The reports about Kim and Kanye’s disintegrating relationship are super reminiscent of the constant flow of stories about Kris and Bruce Jenner falling apart. And they’ve been married how long? (22 years, since 1991.) Out of all the Kardashian sisters, Kim does have the worst track record in terms of longevity…
Maybe the tabloids are right this time. Maybe Kim is devastated because Kanye is absent all the time. Maybe Kanye really is having an affair with the guy who designed Kim’s Met Gala dress.
Maybe Kim cries tears maraschino cherry tears in bed as her baby daddy watches gay glory hole porn.
Let’s talk about what’s actually true. Kanye is appearing on the finale of Saturday Night Live with Ben Affleck tonight. It’s his fifth time as the musical guest. Here’s what he said at a recent concert in New York:
[I had a friend ask me, 'Are you gonna go on] SNL and you’re going to do like a skit about the paparazzi and shit and like humanize yourself?’ I ain’t here to apologize to no motherf*ckers man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At what point did I become unhuman where I had to turn myself back?
There are a few things that make celebrities impossible to like. Usually it’s a moral issue. Rape, murder and domestic abuse rank highest. (Reasons I hate Michael Vick, Mel Gibson and Chris Brown.) Sometimes it’s that they have a horrible personality (like Serena Williams, Justin Bieber, Amber Rose etc.).
Hell nah I ain’t doing no motherf*cking SNL skits, this my goddamn life. This ain’t no motherf*cking joke.
Most people dislike Kanye West because he’s pompous and has absolutely no sense of humor about himself (see above quote). Some overlook it because he’s a talented songwriter.
Think about the celebrities you find particularly enjoyable in interviews. They’ve probably heard of this thing called laughter. Emma Stone’s heard of it. Jennifer Lawrence. Justin Timberlake. Tina Fey…
Cancerous tumors are funnier than Kanye. F*cking rocks and blades of grass and tables from Ikea too.
If you’re thinking of something besides Kanye West at this exact moment – be it a funeral or a break-up or your drinking problem or your kid’s mood disorder - that thing is definitely more funny.
E! News’ “most read” article today is, unsurprisingly, one confirming that Beyonce is pregnant with her second child. This means she’ll pop out a beautiful baby (likely the subject of her next HBO special) named Green Violet sometime next winter.
(Hard to be excited for her when SOME people are having their breasts and ovaries removed.)
Clues include a concert cancellation (for dehydration and exhaustion), one stomach-concealing Givenchy dress, and the interviews Beyonce gave right after she gave birth to Blue Ivy. The ones where she said Jay-Z and her weren’t done making sweet unprotected love on a rug made of ground-up Destiny’s Child members. 
Beyonce’s “I’m about to have another baby” dance goes something like this...
Just when you think Vin Diesel has nothing going on (besides yearly Fast and the Furious movies and suggesting that Facebook owes him billions) he pulls another blockbuster out of his ass.
The near-forgotten franchise that began with Pitch Black in 2000 is back after 9 years (the last was The Chronicles of Riddick, in 2004). The latest movie aims to reminds us that Riddick is still dangerous.
Plot summary (via IMDb/Shock Till You Drop): Click for cast info and stuff about bounty hunters and aliens
Inside the June/July issue of W Magazine, Emma Watson discusses her upcoming film and her past, before and right after scoring Harry Potter. And on The Bling Ring, Watson said, in the most demure way possible, that she was actually too classy to understand why her character would want people to see her bra.
In related news, Emma told reporters at Cannes that she watched “a lot of ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ and ‘The Hills,’” to understand the psychology of Nicki/Alexis Neiers. She added that she “thought a lot about what her parents must have been like.”
I find this weird because Pretty Wild (with the real-life Alexis Neiers and her mother) is on Netflix streaming.
(Maybe she’s not allowed to say that was her real point of reference for legal reasons?) The dynamic between Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian is not exactly the same. Just watch. You’ll see. Read more…
When I first heard that ‘N Sync/Britney choreographer Wade Robson was suing Michael Jackson’s estate, I thought, on the off-chance that he wasn’t an attention-seeking liar, he should have spoken up before Michael died.
I now feel kind of bad for thinking that, because, despite being cleared of charges, we know Michael Jackson molested kids just like we know O.J. killed Nicole. (Wade made sure to reminds us of that on The Today Show, where he called his alleged aggressor a “pedophile” and a “child sexual abuser.”)
We also know that Robson spent time with Michael as a child. So why wouldn’t we believe him? Is it the timing, or the fact that he denied wrongdoing and testified not against but for Michael Jackson in 2005?
Maybe a combination of both. But that’s stupid because we know that victims often come out years after abuse occurs. And you’d think the safest time would be after their abuser was dead, right?
“In order to heal, I have to speak the truth and speak the whole truth,” Robson told Matt Lauer.
If he is lying, he’s a horrible person. If he’s not, we’re all horrible people for calling him a liar.
I think he might be telling the truth. I just don’t know why telling the public and bringing Jackson’s remaining family members into it is part of the healing process. What do you think?
Christina Aguilera is bringing her particular brand of sass and insanity back to the fifth season of The Voice this September.
She just signed a $12.5 million contract to return to the red “I Want You” chair that Shakira’s been keeping warm for her.
I happened to see the studio where The Voice is filmed when I traveled via wheelbarrow to California. It’s an unremarkable black square with no windows in The Valley (where it’s already hotter than the toilets at the U.S. Championship Cheese Contest).
That’s why Christina’s always fanning her escape artist tatas and why Robin Thicke looked like melted Dippin’ Dots on last week’s episode.
Speaking of tatas, I really wish Shakira and Christina could be on the show at the same time. Usher can dance off the edge of the earth that he probably believes is flat for all I care. Read more…
Now that the networks have saddened you by cancelling your favorite shows, they’re drying your tears with previews for new ones! One of the most buzzed-about is ABC’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D…
The show centers around the secretive law-enforcement agency from the Marvel universe. You know, the people who assembled Hulk, Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Black Widow and Hawkeye?
Click for cast details, a boring photo, and links to other trailers…
TMZ reports that a young man swam all of two miles just to spy on Taylor Swift in her oceanfront mansion in Rhode Island. (The one she bought for $17 million cash in April.)
Actually, he swam one mile in the penis-freezing cold of the Atlantic and then swam straight back after he saw her beefy security guards patrolling the area.
Hold the “Looks like she found a new boyfriend” or “Ryan Lochte must be bored” jokes. We shouldn’t make fun of the champion stalker with the bravery of a thousand bayonet-wielding mountain lions.
I mean, that’s dedication. Look up the word in the dictionary and you’ll see a photo of this guy’s mugshot. She should really give him a signed photo or show him half a tit or something. Read more…
You may know Shenae Grimes as Annie Wilson on that blasphemous remake of Beverly Hills 90210, but before The CW spoiled her with L.A. sunbeams and endless Frappés, she played virginal spirit squad member Darcy Edwards on Degrassi.
(Me and an army of Canadian Mounties refuse to accredit 90210 for anything.)
Anyway, Darcy/Shenae/not-Annie laughed in the face of tradition when she wore a black Vera Wang dress at her May 10 hipster wedding (Keira Knightley, eat your heart out) to British model and musician Josh Beech at a HAUNTED hall in Ashford, England.
That girl would never have paid homage to the harlot witches of Salem if she hadn’t been corrupted by American television. I’m a second away from picking up my rotary phone and telling my nosy neighbors what happens when you play the Josh Beech record backwards. Read more…
Apparently hell hath no fury like a washed-up actress scorned. Remember Aunt Viv on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? She was funny/good right? And it did kind of suck when she was replaced in season 4 by the less good, suspiciously lighter-skinned Daphne Reid.
Well, the great and powerful Janet Hubert, also known as Aunt Viv 1.0, is still absolutely furious at Will Smith and everyone else who worked on Fresh Prince for having her replaced. She’s also furious at anyone who talks about her on television. Like Wendy Williams, who dared to ask her guest, former FP star Tatyana Ali, about Aunt Viv 2.0 in March.
Hubert wrote a livid letter scolding Wendy for berating her fictional parenting skills, hinting that she felt especially betrayed because they’re both black women who should have each other’s backs. Read more…
Angelina Jolie explained her recent absence, revealing that she had joined the likes of Giuliana Rancic, Sharon Osbourne, Kylie Minogue, Kathy Bates and the tens of thousands of American women who undergo mastectomy a year, in a New York Times piece titled “My Medical Choice.”
Jolie wrote that the decision to have her breasts surgically removed and replaced with implants came after doctors learned that she carries a gene that heavily increases the chance of developing breast cancer.
In the heart-melting article, she describes the process, which began in early February and ended in late April, and encourages others to be brave and get tested. Read more…
The Bluth family returns to TV screens on May 26th. And thanks to Netflix, you’ll be able to marathon all 15 episodes of Arrested Development instead of impatiently twiddling your thumbs each week.
According to Wiki, “The plot of the season focuses on the fictional production of a film based on the Bluth family scandal.” Returning guests include Liza Minnelli, Judy Greer and Mae Whitman. Read more…
Gwyneth Paltrow got a little tipsy and divulged her true feelings about the Met Gala and many other things. Paltrow was hilariously honest with Jackie O and Kyle, telling the radio hosts that the Gala was staler than Nicole Richie’s pre-weight loss Taco Bell farts. This due to a Kanye West tempter tantrum, elderly people dressing like punks, and an identity mishap involving Psy.
Do you want me to be honest? It sucked. It seems like the best thing in the world. You think, ‘Oh my god, it’s going to be so glamorous and amazing, and you’re going to see all these famous people.’ And then you get there, and it’s so hot, and so crowded, and everyone’s pushing you. This year it was really intense. It wasn’t fun!
Here’s the part about 99% of the population, including celebs, not knowing punk from Top 40:
Everyone was dressed in punk … and I feel that we’re all a bit old to be dressed punk, you know what I mean? I didn’t. I just went kind of normal. Read more…
Saturday Night Live writer and news guy Seth Meyers thanked Lorne Michaels (and his mother) on Twitter after he was confirmed as Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night replacement.
“So, next year I’m going to do this. Thanks to NBC, Lorne, but especially Mom,” he wrote, including a link to the NY Times article announcing the big move.
I like Seth Meyers. He’s very sharp on Weekend Update, but who exactly decided that Fallon’s sub had to be another SNL alumn? Is Fallon’s success, and the success of any other host, not a one-of-a-kind occurrence that has to do with individual talent?
Obsessing over his lack of versatility compared to his predecessor is pointless. He’s more comedic than Leno or Letterman, and presumably not much less in tune than Fallon, Ferguson or Kimmel. He’ll be fine.
Meyers is expected to stay on Saturday Night Live through the holidays, until early 2014.
Because Game of Thrones is on tonight, here’s a look at the new Sims 3 Dragon Valley expansion.
Anyone with eyes and ears can see that EA is cashing in on the GoT lovefest. Maybe it was the blonde short-haireed Khaleesi in the trailer, or the long-haired one in the promotional photo.
Maybe it was the red and green BABY DRAGONS that singe your hair and paint you soot black.(That actually looks way more like Holly Madison at a renaissance faire.) Read more…
Britney Spears‘ exercise and diet tips involve walking backwards on the elliptical three times a week and saying no to uncooked gobs of sugary salmonella goodness.
“I try not to make those too often or I’ll eat the whole bowl of dough,” Spears says of the chocolate chip cookies she sometimes makes for her sons. Other quotes on her regime and new CD from the latest issue of Shape Magazine:
On her Vegas residency: “I’m working out really hard for my upcoming shows in Vegas. The performances won’t be special – they’ll be a massive party from start to finish. And to pull this off, I have to be in top condition and running at full speed.”
Reverse booty workout: ”My favorite way to tone my butt is going in reverse on the treadmill and the elliptical. It targets those muscles that are often overlooked. Yeah, that’s my big secret: Do everything backwards!” Read more…
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