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November 26, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Trailer: Jurassic World

15 whopping years after Jurassic Park III Legendary Pictures brings us Jurassic World…

Con: Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton are pretty much MIA.

  

Pro: Chris Pratt. Con: The dinosaurs look about as lifelike as Thanksgiving turkey.

Pro: Genetically modified hybrid eats overly-curious children.

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November 17, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Jaden and Willow Smith are the Most New Agey Kids Ever

Willow and Jaden look like Will SmithYou know that one friend you have that’s all about good “energy, “being “connected” and forcing weird food into your mouth and bad thoughts in your head? The one that makes you feel like you’re gaining and losing brain cells at a rapid and weirdly equal rate with their conspiracies on cancer being secretly curable and GMO corn being responsible for 9/11.

Willow and Jaden Smith are those people, except that they’re 14 and 16, which makes it even weirder than it already is. In an interview with the New York Times promoting Jaden’s music, the Smiths don’t sound like the children of Scientologists, they sound like the children of pretentious, brainwashed hippies.

The only thing that could “explain” the  interview is the Jaden line, “I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time.”

It starts out like this, with the simple question “What have you been reading?”

WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.

JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.

And then it gets odder:

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

And odder:

JADEN: When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness.

And BOOM, your head explodes like a watermelon in a movie adaptation of Fruit Ninja directed by Michael Bay:

JADEN: Honestly, we’re just trying to make music that we think is cool. We don’t think a lot of the music out there is that cool. So we make our own music. We don’t have any song that we like to listen to on the P.C.H. by any other artist, you know?

WILLOW: That’s what I do with novels. There’re no novels that I like to read so I write my own novels, and then I read them again, and it’s the best thing.

And then your internal organs splat onto everything. Intestines on the window pane, liver on the kitchen tile, kidneys wrapped around the faucet while Willow and Jaden laugh sadistically because they’re too cool for novels and music…  Read more…

November 17, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Paper Mag Rep Says They Barely Photoshopped Kim Kardashian’s Naked Behind

The publication responsible for front-to-back Kim Kardashian nudity, Paper Mag, says that “none of the photoshopping they did on her was drastic.”

Not that we haven’t already been wondering for the last 5 years how a human woman could have a waist that thin and an ass that could break even the largest pair of yoga pants, but this is kind of believable if you really think about it.

EVEN THOUGH she looks like a Barbie that went through Krispy Kreme’s glazer, you know from “accidentally” following her career from day 1 that her body basically does look like that naturally (unless she’s been stuffing her Herve Leger with pillows at every single event).

The best part is that Paper Mag had to come out and make a statement not only that the original images were not photoshopped much, but that the un-retouched “originals” that surfaced were fake. (Click here for a real one.)  Read more…

November 14, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Video: Taylor Swift – “Blank Space”

In “Blank Spaces,” we are reminded that even the most “hardcore” version of Taylor Swift makes about as many waves as a grain of salt in a bathtub.

With its use of Swift’s real-life pet – the splendiferously fluffy Olivia Benson – horses, golf clubs and a male model, “Blank Spaces” is a 12-year-old’s version of a revenge video.
  
She really dented the shit out of that guy’s car and killed the fuck out of that cake.

I would have liked to see a Lorde cameo. Like busting out from behind a bush freak-dancing with lighting bolts coming out of her head (all her power comes from her hair), but she’s too busy covering sexy R&B songs to bother.  Read more…

November 8, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Rachel Bilson’s Baby Sadly Isn’t Named ‘Darth’ Anything

darth vader summer robertsSummer Roberts and Darth Vader had a baby together and named it Briar Rose, code name for Disney Princess Aurora of Sleeping Beauty, which is barely Star Wars-related and completely un-O.C.ified. (Was really hoping for Darth Roberts, Summer Vader or Darth Mall.)

Briar Rose, otherwise known as B-Rose, enjoys long walks on the pier, pouting, gingerbread lattes and electrocuting people with her chubby fingertips.

At this point, Hayden Christensen needed the baby to at least secure child support payments from Bilson once she divorces him for COMMISSIONER GORDON.

It’s a Darth, Darth Summer, leaving me here on my own…

November 8, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Andy Dick Stole a Necklace, Got on His Bicycle and Promptly Went to Jail

In D-list celebrities committing crimes news, Andy Dick was briefly arrested for grand theft after riding away on his bike with some guy’s jewelry

Apparently Andy approached the man on Hollywood Blvd., asked to see his $1000 necklace and then bolted off with it.

No idea if he did it for attention or because he really just liked it THAT MUCH, but sending Andy Dick to a jail full of big burly bros with a thing for petite blonds for thievery is like sending me to the Cheesecake Factory for double homicide.

We can only hope male Piper Kerman hasn’t been bailed out yet and is still living the dream.

November 8, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-8-14]

 
Lorde turns 300, releases Katniss-approved “Yellow Flicker Beat” video. (E! Online)

Summer of 2015 is the summer of (legal) WEED! (Oregon Live)

Kim Jong-Un oblivious to stuffed animal sex. (Mashable)

Fraulein Minaj rallies Nazi Breezy, Nazi Weezy and Nazi Drizzy. (Jezebel)

Keira Knightley is all statement and no shirt photoshop. (Mic)

Duggar daughter caught banging in husband Church. (Gawker)

Non-Duggar caught whacking it in police station with Wheat Thins. (Concourse)

November 7, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

New Star Wars Movie Will Be Called…

the force awakens memeDisney has revealed the title of the first film in an upcoming string of attempts to heal the damage caused by George Lucas’ last three sequels.

The official title is “The Force Awakens,” which sounds like the Eat, Pray, Love of Star Wars movies to me. Unlike, The Phantom Menace – which was written by racially insensitive preschool students –  and its follow-ups, The Force Awakens features original withering cast members and  J.J. Abrams as director.  Read more…

October 28, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Video: MJ’s “Thriller” in 20 Different Styles

Anthony Vincent of the Ten Second Songs is back singing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” in various spooky styles like Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, Jack Skellington and The Spice Girls. He’s vocally versatile to the point of making me want to ritualistically murder him and eat his flesh in hopes of becoming just as disgustingly talented.

Just in time for Halloween, the holiday where you become a slut to get attention and I become one to get free candy.  Read more…

October 24, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Renée Zellweger’s ‘New Face’ is Probably Just Due to Weight Loss

renee zellweger new faceWhen I first heard about Renée Zellweger’s new face, I was like, umm, where does one obtain such a thing and did she get a BOGO like maybe she has an extra one in the vault like a winter face and a summer face.

Maybe one for Fall that’s more round or even maple-leaf shaped and another for cold season with a pine fresh scent and a special lacquer so it doesn’t melt in front of the fireplace?

All I know is, I saw her face circa now and it is drastically different than circa 2000 whatever RZ. For a second I went straight to plastic surgery, but a lot of people, including Renée Zellweger herself say it’s simply because she lost weight. Via PEOPLE:

“People don’t know me in my 40s,” says Zellweger, who prefers to lead a quiet life with Bramhall and a close circle of friends. Recently, she pitched in to help her pal and longtime publicist, Nanci Ryder, who is battling ALS, at the ALS Association Golden West Chapter’s annual Walk to Defeat ALS in Los Angeles.

“People don’t know me [as] healthy for a while,” says Zellweger. “Perhaps I look different. Who doesn’t as they get older?! Ha. But I am different. I’m happy.”

Read more…

October 21, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Ray Rice Halloween Costume is Utterly Tasteless

Ray Rice halloween costumeIf you know me at all you know that I am sometimes amused by utterly tasteless and horrible things like, for instance, this Ray Rice costume. Simple yet effective and featuring a pantless blow-up doll, it’s unknown who this brave man is, but a friend of his posted photos on Imgur at some point that were thankfully saved and spread around by Uproxx.

Adrian Peterson beating his son and Solange, Jay-Z and Beyonce on the elevator seem like appropriate follow-ups, but I’m definitely going as naked Jennifer Lawrence.

October 21, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Video: Gwen Stefani – “Baby Don’t Lie”

Gwen Stefani’s comeback is underway with this hippie dippie new acid trip video that plays out like a slowed-down “Rude Boy” B-side sponsored by Puma.

††† ⇒Click here if you prefer videos that feature black Jesus and blond Pete Wentz⇐ †††
gwen stefani baby don't life gif tumblr  gwen stefani baby don't life gif tumblr
The fact that Gwen’s been married for 12 years makes it really hard to guess who this song is about… P.S. Her new solo album, the first since 2006, is rumored to drop in December.

October 20, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

The Five Strains of Ebola, Fear Mongering and the Ebola Boat

ebola fearBeing the utterly neurotic human that I am, I was drifting off to sleep late last night listening to a podcast called “How Ebola Works,” of course and learned a few things, most interestingly, the five strains.

Named after the regions they were discovered in, the strains are: Zaire (Democratic Republic of Congo), Sudan, Bundibugyo (Uganda), Ivory Coast and Reston.

You do not have to worry about Reston or Ivory Coast Ebola unless you’re a monkey. Sudan, Bundibugyo and Zaire Ebola however, are very dangerous to humans.

As far as discovery goes it’s a relatively new player on the deadly virus, infectious scene. I guess we should go back to 1976. It’s actually named for the Ebola River in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

At the time that country was known as Zaire, and even still there’s a strain of Ebola known as Zaire type Ebola, and it’s the deadliest of all.

One thing fellow neurotic, fearful types who listen to How Stuff Works podcasts on deadly diseases at 2:00 a.m. really need to keep in mind:

Ebola is not as easy to contract as you think…

According to Dallas County Health and Human Services Director Zachary Thompson, “It is easier to get the flu than to get Ebola.”

The only two American citizens to contract Ebola so far have been nurses who treated Thomas Eric Duncan, the man who died earlier this month of the virus after flying from West Africa to Texas.

It is completely unlike the common cold in that it is NOT airborne.  Read more…

October 18, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Buffy’s Nicholas Brendon Arrested for Injuring a Plate

Nicholas Brendon now and thenNicolas Brendon, who many know as Xander on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was arrested for causing a ruckus in a hotel lobby in Boise. You may have just randomly developed boredom narcolepsy thinking about sad, out-of-work actors whose early credits include “basketball player one” in Children of the Corn: Urban Harvest getting drunk in Idaho, but trust me, there’s some meat to this story.

The hotel’s main beef with Brendon was the breaking of a “decorative dish,” which earned him a charge of “malicious injury to property.”  Read more…

October 18, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

If Only ONE of These ’22 Jump Street’ Sequels Were Real…

23 jump street fireman school
If you’ve seen 22 Jump Street then you probably caught the hilarious fake posters for 23/24/25+ Jump Street shown during the credits.

Channing Tatum has unenthusiastically said “I feel like it’s all redundant” about starring in another sequel, but if any of these movies ever got made I at least know I’d be happy…

(But, like Sharknado and 22 Jump Street, I wouldn’t actually watch them.)  Read more…

October 14, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Gavin DeGraw’s New Video is the Most Lesbo-Centric NON-LESBIAN Video of All Time

Yesterday I was sitting around watching VH1  on mute, so all of a sudden I see Gavin DeGraw’s face and I’m about to change the channel when I notice that the video seems super gay and therefore mildly interesting.

There’s a lady doctor and a lady firefighter and some other random businesswoman being oddly sexual at the workplace like opening their mouths and tilting their heads back for no reason and while I’m waiting for them to bang I realize that they’re not lesbians, they’ve just seen Whip-It one too many times and want to knock each other out on a roller derby rink.
Basically, as I’d expected, the video is super cliche, just in a different way. It also doesn’t star Juliette Lewis OR Ellen Page and is therefore a complete waste of my time.

October 14, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Dr. Luke and Ke$ha are Suing Each Other

dr luke and keshaDr. Luke, who produced nearly every song on Animal and Warrior, not to mention top 40 contenders by Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Kelly Clarkson, is being sued by Ke$ha for physically and emotionally abusing her.

Ke$ha’s camp claims he attacked her drugged her, forced himself on her and insulted her, which all led to her well-documented breakdown and debilitating struggle with body image.

On one occasion, she says she had to run down the Pacific Coast Highway into the mountains with no shoes on to escape his arm-thrashing wrath.

Kesha’s lawyer, Mark Geragos, tells TMZ … “This lawsuit is a wholehearted effort by Kesha to regain control of her music career and her personal freedom after suffering for ten years as a victim of mental manipulation, emotional abuse and an instance of sexual assault at the hands of Dr. Luke.”

Geragos adds, “The facts presented in our lawsuit paint a picture of a man who is controlling and willing to commit horrible acts of abuse in an attempt to intimidate an impressionable, talented, young female artist into submission for his personal gain. Kesha is focused on moving her life and her career beyond this terrible time.”

Dr. Luke is suing her right back, claiming the whole thing is a ploy to get out of her recording contract and go in a new direction with her music.  Read more…

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