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February 6, 2016 / Hallie Madenski

Stacey Dash Could Never Be The Black Ann Coulter

stacey dash 2016 beautifulFox news contributor Stacey Dash shiftedher way into the headlines yesterday by way of comedian Anthony Anderson, who called her “Ann Coulter dipped in butterscotch.”

Was it funny? Yes. But was it true? No. Dash is not the black Ann Coulter, because Ann Coulter is hideous never contributed anything positive to society besides the inspiration for Henry Rollins’ sweet fascist concubine tirade. But this isn’t about Anderson or Rollins, it’s about Stacey Dash being alright in my book because she’s harmless and co-starred in one of the most memorable films of all time.  Read more…

January 3, 2016 / Hallie Madenski

Olivia Munn Doesn’t Need Telekinetic Powers To Make Nerds Fap

olivia munn x men outfitIt’s hard not to be a pervert while looking at Olivia Munn in general, especially if you’re a nerd who enjoys nerd things like ‘Attack of the Show’ (rest in peace) and new X-Men movies.

I haven’t actually seen her for awhile, but I’ve also been cheating on The Twist with other websites for the past two years, covering topics I often couldn’t care less about for moolah. Plenty of love for Rant Chic, but I’m never writing about tampons or Kylie Jenner or Kylie Jenner’s tampons again in my life.

Anyway, Olivia is sexy to everyone but Packers fans, who believe she’s a demon siren sent from the worst circle of hell to make them lose five games this season. (But she’s terrible at her job because they’re still #1 in the NFC North.)  Read more…

January 3, 2016 / Hallie Madenski

Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas

chris brown lizianeHere’s what I know about the Chris Brown Vegas assault charges… A star-fucking groupie said Brown punched her in the melon during a concert. Brown called the star-fucking groupie “dusty” and said “I don’t know this old-looking bitch.”

Did he actually attack ye old bitchLiziane Gutierrez? Yes, totally.

There isn’t a single woman Chris Brown comes into contact with that doesn’t get hit. Sometimes it’s figurative, but it happens. Do I have love for star fuckers? No, but I have a lot less love for the man who made Rihanna look like a chump. It’s his fault ‘Anti’ still hasn’t been released AND that it’s cold in winter and that I’m broke, and also, he killed Natalie Cole, but not a lot of people know that, so shhh.  Read more…

November 22, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week

drunk-girls-puppies-buzzfeedWhat makes women more emotional, adorable puppies or alcohol?

In a pointlessly entertaining experiment, BuzzFeed gave six ladies on their staff booze and then surprised them with a bunch of super adorable, good-smelling baby animals of the canine persuasion.

Upon seeing the dogs, the intoxicated women proceeded to scream, smile, cry and occasionally say profound things like, “I shouldn’t have drank whiskey, I can’t protect them.”

“I had such a hard Friday,” “I can’t take it” and “Wait, is this really happening?” were some of the girls’ other top reactions heard over the barely audible whimpers of the puppies who, by the way, are all available for adoption via Fur Baby Rescue.  Read more…

November 20, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Unlucky Asian Man Spends Half His Life Arguing His Real Name Is ‘Phuc Dat Bich’

phuc dat bich passportThis Vietnamese man is so phucking tired of having his social media accounts deleted by biches who doubt the legitimacy of his name.

That’s right, 23-year-old Australia-native Phuc Dat Bich (pronounced “Phoo Da Bic”) posted a photo of his passport to prove once and for all that he is not playing a prank on Facebook.

Bich says administrators have suspended his account multiple times due to their policy of users registering under their legal names, suggesting that it’s “because he’s Asian.”  Read more…

November 20, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Cute Video: Thoughtful Horse Impresses Love Interest By Bringing Her Hay

Like people, the way to a horse’s heart is through their stomach. Case in point: a sweet chestnut horse galloping from one side of a field to the other with a delicious helping of hay for a potential mate.

She’s not quite down for the kiss, but you can tell he’s just a few apples away from being out of the friend zone.

September 1, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Every Thing Miley Cyrus DID At The 2015 VMAs

miley drag queen vmasA lot of folks are talking about what Miley Cyrus wore at the 2015 Video Music Awards, and while she did earn the title of Space Skank and Juicy Fruit Whore with her many neon, crotch-framing outfits, her hosting gig was about more than just costume changes. Here are a few things she did:

1. Became a feminist. I wasn’t aware that appearing in tired sketches about getting high with rappers and “accidentally” showing some nip from behind a curtain equalled feminism, but website-I-usually-respect Pajiba says she’s “spurring a new wave of sexual revolution like Madonna did in the 80s.”

By having such obvious fun with her body in a way that mocks the Male Gaze, she’s challenging society’s concept of women’s bodies.

By this logic, every scantily clad, kinda weird pop star is a feminist. Grace Jones, yes. Gaga, maybe. Miley, NO.

2. Got called out by Nicki Minaj. I thought for sure Nicki Jekyll and Hydeing from sweet to pissed while accepting the Best Hip-Hop Video award for “Anaconda” was fake. She was visibly laughing while referencing an interview where Cyrus called her “not very polite” for the way she handled the Taylor Swift feud (a beef that was probably created solely to be squashed during the show’s intro), but according to MTV, the moment was 100% unscripted.

miley what's good

And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?

It was much more amusing that Nicki randomly thanked her pastor in her speech, but whatever.

3. Announced a new, free album. It’s called Dead Petz, was inspired by The Flaming Lips and has a lot to do with weed being more available than ever. Witness the lyrics to “Pablow The Blowfish:”

Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so bad
on Saturday night we all went out to eat
I can never decide, so someone chose sushi
I got soup, I ordered rice, but watching my friends eat my friends ruined my appetite

Suspiciously similar to “My Little Locked Room” from Slackers, right?

Things are at least a bit more clear on “Bang Me Box:”

I wanna touch it so bad, it’s almost like I can feel it on my fingertips
I want yours inside of me but don’t forget where I like licking babe
I want you to bang my box

Is she sadder about her dead fish friend than she is horny for Stella Maxwell?

4. Danced with drag queens. Miley turnt it all the way up (though nothing was more exciting than Ye’s announcement about Kim Kardashian being the potential first lady of the United States of America) for her performance of “Do It” with a hoard of humpy drag queens. A scene that surely continued Bieber’s epic fit of tears over his own awesomeness fear of heights.

5. Pissed off black people. Miley drew criticism from Chance The Rapper (among others) on Twitter for her Gone In Sixty Seconds dreadlocks and use of the word “mammy” while talking about her grandma in a skit featuring Snoop Dogg, but was it really any worse than her Kim K joke?

Kim Kardashian, I mean have you guys seen those nipples? I am so jealous of the baby in there.

According to the internet dictionary, the term mammy can refer to “one’s mother (especially as a child’s word)” or a black nursemaid in charge of white children.

6. Showed concern for The Weeknd’s hair. After the Weeknd’s show-stopping rendition of “I Can’t Feel My Face” (in the sort-of words of Kathleen Madigan, “I hope it’s not Bell’s Palsy”), long-hair-don’t-care Miley called Mr. Tesfaye a braver soul than she.

All that fire, and all that hair? I mean, I’ll do almost anything, but that is where I draw the line. That shit is fucking crazy.

So I wasn’t the only one having flashbacks to one of The Weeknd’s biggest influences, Michael Jackson, getting second-degree burns during his Pepsi commercial?

 

July 23, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Demi Lovato Fails To Kiss A Girl In ‘Cool For The Summer’ Video

People love to compare the potentially bi-curious Demi Lovato single ‘Cool For The Summer’ to ‘I Kissed A Girl‘ by Katy Perry, but the songs really aren’t that similar, and Lovato has further proven that point by sidestepping the expected, cliché opportunity to make out with a girl in the music video.

I repeat, Demi Lovato doesn’t kiss a girl in ‘Cool For The Summer,’ which would be fine if the final product wasn’t so boring. Seriously, platonic girlfriends are so last year.

There is one part where she grabs a girl’s head and leans in, but without actual proof let’s be jerks and assume they’re just besties.

July 18, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

You Openly Hate The Kardashians Because You Secretly Hate Yourself

Kardashian family 2015 I’m sick of hearing the world complain about Kanye West appearances, Caitlyn Jenner‘s Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs and Kim Kardashian‘s Rolling Stone cover.

It’s starting to sound a lot like jealousy.

Bored trolls have taken it upon themselves to take a massive exploding dump all over everything this family accomplishes, and yes, most of their “accomplishments” are not exactly game-changers, but acting like Kim’s selfies are kickstarting the apocalypse isn’t exactly convincing anyone that you’re any more deserving of a working pair of lungs and oxygen than she is.  Read more…

July 16, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby

bill cosby bushBill Cosby’s name is on the tip of everyone’s tongues lately for being the unwanted tongue at the tip of pretty much every woman he ever came in contact with, and we’re all sick of his freedom. Even Whoopi Goldberg, who has famously, stubbornly defended horrible people like Michael Vick and Roman Polanski thinks Cosby should be punished.

The latest person to speak out against Cosby is the king of America, President Obama, who sadly doesn’t have to power to revoke a presidential medal Cosby received in 2002, let alone to speed up the process of him getting DP’d by pudding pops in a federal penitentiary.

Read more…

June 20, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Chris Hemsworth’s Fake Dong In ‘Vacation’ Is Terrifying

  

Chris Hemsworth has giant arms, giant calves, giant pectoral muscles, a giant mane of flowing blond hair and is part of a giant blockbuster franchise.

In short, there’s nothing short about him. (NSFW gif ahead.)  Read more…

June 3, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Bruce Jenner Looks So Much Better As A Woman Than As A Man

call me caitlyn coverCaitlyn Jenner subtly clarified in her Vanity Fair article that she is a super separate entity from her stepdaughters Kim, Khloe and Kourtney, but she sure does publicity like a Kardashian.

No more speculation. Even the former Bruce Jenner’s excessive use of plastic surgery makes more sense now. The beauty standard bar has been set especially high in his family, but it also had a lot to do with him hating the masculine features that made him a sex symbol in the ’70s.

“Underneath my suit I have a bra and panty hose and this and that and thinking to myself, ‘They know nothing about me,'” Jenner said in her eye-opening VF interview. “Little did they know I was totally empty inside.”  Read more…

May 13, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Guillermo del Toro Goes Back To Horror Roots With ‘Crimson Peak’

crimson peak ghost Crimson Peak Guillermo del Toro‘s return to cinematic horror since his action-heavy ode to Japanese monsters (Pacific Rim), TV vampires (The Strain) and comic books (Hellboy) — stars Mia Wasikowska as a girl living in a haunted house who moves to a much more haunted house to be with a mysterious man (Tom Hiddleston) and his sister (Jessica Chastain) in 19th century England.

There’s blood in the pipes and ghosts in the floor, but she doesn’t leave presumably because of Hiddlestain’s sinister plan to, I dunno, kill her in some overly elaborate way that leads to an equally complex but fun plot twist right before the credits roll.

Read more…

April 19, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Faith No More’s Opening Band ‘Christeene’ Blows In The Best Way Possible

Christeene Faith no moreI had the good fortune of seeing ’90s alt-rock hitmakers Faith No More on the third date of their North American tour in Portland, OR last night and would like to take a second to describe what I saw.

Before arriving, my friend/ex Scott informed me that a really strange drag queen band called Christeene was opening up for them, but “really strange” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Handpicked by openly gay FNM keyboardist and Imperial Teen founder Roddy Bottum, Christeene was conceived at an queer open mic show in Austin, TX by Paul Soileau, the man behind the butt-baring fishnet stockings.  Read more…

April 18, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Batman Looks Like Iron Man In New Trailer

There’s a scene in the new Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer where Ben Affleck’s Batman looks suspiciously like he’s wearing a black version of Iron Man’s suit.

Affleck has also chosen to use the classic deep, loud and over-the-top voice we’d grown to hate in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight movies.
Batman iron man
While we still don’t know exactly why Batman and Superman are fighting (other than to make Warner Bros. a sh*tload of money at the box office), the Superman statue with “False God” painted on the chest plate might be a clue.

April 13, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

HBO ‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Season 5, Episode 1

Young-Cersei-Lannister

‘Game of Thrones‘ is officially underway, and as usual, showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss managed to make a lot happen in the latest 50 minute-long episode of the hit HBO series.

***Warning: spoilers ahead***

The season five premiere, titled “The Wars to Come,” opens with a glimpse of a young Cersei Lannister fearlessly convincing a friend to approach a witch’s hut with her. While Cersei doesn’t suffer the fate of fellow classic fantasy-characters Hansel and Gretel, it wouldn’t be a George R. R. Martin production without a little bloodshed and heartache.

“You’ll never wed the prince, you’ll wed the king,” the messy-haired sorceress tells Cersei after commanding her to prick her finger. “You’ll be queen, for a time,” she ominously continues. “In comes another, younger, more beautiful, to cast you down and take all you hold dear. The king will have twenty children, and you will have three. Gold will be their crowns, gold their shrouds.”

In one short scene, Cersei learns much of what we know about her adult life. From Margaery Tyrell‘s marriage to Tommen, to Robert Baratheon‘s bastard sons and her incestual relationship with Jaime Lannister.  Read more…

April 8, 2015 / Hallie Madenski

Video: Anne Hathaway Swinging On A Wrecking Ball

I know Jimmy Fallon is responsible for Lip Sync Battle and it was really amazing, especially when all Emma Stone did was win, BUT it’s hard to believe there’s an entire show on Spike based on the segment.
   
Also hard to believe: there are still people who HATE Anne Hathaway. Like, hate hate. All they do is sit around talking about her haircut and how annoying she is even though she’s a legitimately good actress, singer and Miley Cyrus impersonator.  Read more…

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