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September 17, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Jennifer Lawrence’s Legal Team, Like All Legal Teams, Are Total Assholes

So I got an email today from Jennifer Lawrence’s lawyer and I also stepped in poop. The poop thing is obviously much worse, but not really a story.

The email stated that I need to remove a completely censored image of Jennifer, one of the many from her widespread hacked nude photo scandal and also my entire article.

Let me just say that, like my fat cat Raisin (the one whose poop I stepped in), her lawyers are sweet but also completely misguided and derpy. Believing they can actually stop the photos from being shared and seen leads me to believe that – also like Raisin – THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.  Read more…

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September 16, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Meet Hefe Wine, the Man Behind the Alleged Iggy Azalea Sex Tape…

Hefe wine iggy azalea exThe only people who have seen Iggy Azalea’s sex tape at this point seem to be the “businessmen” over at Vivid Entertainment, who think the tape could actually be worth millions of dollars, possibly even more than saucer-eyed knob-polishers Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

The only people BESIDES of course Iggy herself and her co-star, former boyfriend and manager combo Hefe Wine.

Azalea is busy denying the tape’s existence while her lawyers are busy telling TMZ that it was filmed “without her knowledge or consent” and Hefe is busy pretending like he had nothing to do with it ending up at Vivid.

There’s also word that Iggy – known back then as Amethyst Amelia Kelly – may have accidentally signed over the rights to it to the douchey ex. (Which is bullsh*t, because the contract only related to music and music-related videos.Read more…

September 15, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-15-14]

Columbian cycling team naked
Women’s cycling team are blissfully unaware of their seeming naked-ness. (Daily Mail)

Lindsay Lohan may have touched Whitney Houston’s corpse. (TMZ/Jezebel)

15 fun (and scary) things you didn’t know about Friday Night Lights. (Uproxx)

Martha Stewart goes gangster on Gwyneth Paltrow. (Evil Beet Gossip)

And the undisputed BEST SENIOR PHOTO OF ALL TIME goes to…. (Grouchy Muffin)

Tyler, The Creator compares Apple’s “gift” of new U2 album to herpes. (Stereogum)

OITNB writer divorces husband for lady love/OITNB star Samira Wiley. (Vulture)

September 15, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Trailer: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay

I have only three thoughts on the new Hunger Games trailer, for Mockingjay, part I:

  1. Did anyone else think of Jennifer Lawrence’s nude scandal when they heard the very first line, “I never wanted any of this”?
  2. It’s really off-putting seeing Margaery Tyrell without her boobs out.
  3. Get ready to cry, because what happens to Peeta in the book is ALMOST as sad as the unfolding of the Snape/Lily Potter storyline in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Read more…

September 15, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Robin Thicke’s Recollection of ‘Blurred Lines’ is, Well, Pretty F*cking Blurry

Robin Thicke, the man famous for putting naked girls in a music video and grabbing butts other than his wife’s recently admitted that he was drunk and high on pills when his biggest song, “Blurred Lines” was being born in the studio. Also, he didn’t write it, but took credit anyway.

“I was high on vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio,” Thicke said during a court deposition deciding whether “Blurred Lines” is a white copy of a Marvin Gaye song. “I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

Read more…

September 13, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Adrian Peterson Beat His Son With a Stick

ADrian peterson number 28More trouble for the NFL: Adrian Peterson went WAY too far disciplining his four-year-old son and is being taken to court in Houston for child abuse that occurred earlier this year.

According to documents, the well-known Vikings running back hit the child with a tree branch, causing bleeding and bruising to his back, legs, scrotum, hands and buttocks because he “pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game.”

As a firm believer is not beating the shit out of children, I find this story especially disturbing. For one, my Mom never instilled harsher punishment than a time-out, a stern talking to, chores or revoking of privileges.

I’ve never felt right telling other people not to spank their kids, but this kind of punishment is absolutely unacceptable and one of the many reasons I would never feel right even attempting physical discipline.

Here’s why… Adrian Peterson’s lawyer has released a statement saying:

It is important to remember that Adrian never intended to harm his son and deeply regrets the unintentional injury.

So apparently, once his son was screaming and/or crying and putting his hands up to defend himself, Peterson realized that he might have gone a little overboard?  Read more…

September 9, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Video: The Pros and Cons of Dating Britney Spears

Britney Spears continues to publicly shame David Lucado for cheating on her, this time by bringing her boobs to the Tonight Show in a flowing, bright red pantsuit.

For the record, she’s totally not thrilled at all to be on Tinder and hates David Letterman.

 

September 9, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Ray Rice’s Wife Calls His Suspension ‘Horrific’

janay rice knocked out gif unconscious elevator gif ray riceJanay Rice, the woman seen being knocked out in an elevator by her husband – Ravens running back Ray Rice – is defending his actions and slamming the media and the NFL.

Ray Rice was originally suspended by the NFL for a laughable 2 games after footage of an unconscious Janay being dragged across the floor surfaced on TMZ, but now that the full video of him straight-up Mike Tyson-ing her has appeared, they’ve changed their tune.

If there’s one the thing football organizations hate, it’s publicity. Not even necessarily bad publicity, but any attention (Tim Tebow, Michael Sam, Chad Johnson) that might distract from their players throwing balls, running with balls and slamming into each other with or without balls in their hands, and this is a classic and especially sad case of that…

Janay Rice wrote the following confusing comments about TMZ’s brutal new video and the fact that Ray is now out of Baltimore and suspended from playing on any team indefinitely:

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that media & unwanted options from the
public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass of for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!

Normalizing this kind of behavior is a huge problem, and Janay, the NFL, Ray and his ignoramus lawyer (who called it a “very minor physical altercation” back in February), are adding gallons of gasoline to the forest fire.

Ray Rice said in a statement that his wife is “so strong,” and that he in turn he has to be strong for her. Because you have to be pretty fucking “strong” to sleep off a punch like that.

Meanwhile, Browns’ WR Josh Gordon has been suspended for an entire year after testing positive for marijuana, with the NFL sending a clear message that domestic violence isn’t big of a deal as smoking a little weed, but both are trumped by ...say it with me this time… bad publicity.

Read: Ravens Player: Ray Rice Lied To Teammates, Has Lost Our Support

September 8, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Here’s what Jon Hamm, Justin Bieber and Blake Lively look like as Average Americans

Blake lively planet hiltronJustin Bieber planet hiltronJon Hamm planet hiltron
Danny Evans – creator of Planet Hiltron, a site that shares photos of photoshopped celebrities looking like average to below average housewifes and blue collar husbands in small town America (basically, people who don’t know that feathered hair isn’t in style anymore) – is back, with renditions of Jon Hamm, Blake Lively and Justin Bieber + Selena Gomez.

Cameron Diaz and Lana Del Rey were also included in the exclusive collection. Would these not make amazing trading cards? The dumpier the celeb, the higher the value…

 

September 6, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police': Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind

It’s been two days since Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81 after complications during surgery. After a week of crossing our fingers hoping that Joan might pull through, daughter and noted business partner, Melissa Rivers, was faced with the decision of taking her off life support.

A multitude of celebrities have shared an outpouring of supportive messages and stories about Joan, like Giuliana Rancic, who called her “The funniest woman” ever, adding that “She could put a smile on your face, instantly, no matter how hard your day was.”

So true, what better way to escape reality than listen to Joan Rivers insult people? I’m not being facetious, insult comedy is the best comedy. Anyone who says otherwise is Bill Cosby. And, not only was she a comedian, but an actress (who could forget her as the voice of the cockblocking robot Dot Matrix in Spaceballs?), an author and a Late Night host.

Joan was the female, television-version of Howard Stern, versatile as f*ck and completely unafraid to speak her mind and ask real questions. (A quality that almost got her blackballed from Hollywood.) I saw the most of Joan on E!’s Fashion Police, as a sanctioned truth-teller and critic of all things offensive to the eyes.  Read more…

September 4, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash

Justin bieber four wheelerLast week, wittle baby Justin Bieber climbed up on a big bad four wheeler and hurt his itsy bitsy wrist. Did I mention he was arrested, or that Selena Gomez was there?

A photographer in a minivan reportedly caused the ATV crash in Ontario, but it’s more probable that he sprained his wrist texting, shaking his fist at the paparazzo he got in a fight with or whacking off to pictures of himself.

The weirdest part is that noted lawyer Gloria Allred is getting involved, and at first I thought she was repping Bieber (which would make sense since she’s all about protecting women’s rights), but she’s on team paparazzi, looking to imprison the Biebs in rusty shackles somewhere comparable to where Bane sent Batman, I hope.  Read more…

September 2, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Read more…

August 31, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Female ‘Friends’ Reunited!

 A few things are happening with every 90s kid’s favorite comedy…

Not only is a Central Perk opening in SoHo and serving free coffee in giant cups to customers on the iconic orange couch from Friends, but Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox AND Lisa Kudrow stopped by Jimmy Kimmel for a mini reunion in a replica of Monica’s apartment.

In honor of the 20th anniversary of the NBC hit show, Kimmel, as Ross, wrote a scenario where Rachel and the girls praise him for being amazing at making love. …Even Monica… Read more…

August 29, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Boy Bander Calum Hood Pulls a Pete Wentz, Shows the World His No No Square

Calum HoodI was as baffled as any of you by the appearance of boy band 5 Seconds of Summer at the MTV Video Music Awards last Sunday, but now the unknown Australian singers of “She Looks So Perfect” have their very own Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton errr Pete Wentz?

18-year-old bassist Calum Hood’s junk appeared on Vine today after he Snapchatted a video of it to some girl. Turns out MTV was sort of right, the next big thing isn’t crappy pop dudes with minimal talent  like 5SOS and Emblem3, it’s accidental-on-purpose nudity. Thanks, Farrah Abraham!

Check out his super casual response for confirmation…

Congrats, your 5 seconds of summer fame has been extended at least another 60 seconds. And he’s the least unfortunate looking of the four guys, which really isn’t saying much.

Soon “Calum Hood” will just be another word for penis on Urban Dictionary.  Read more…

August 28, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

This R&B Cover of ‘Do You Want To Build a Snowman’ is Absolutely Spectacular

STOP contemplating spending your bad day watching videos of dancing lambs and monkeys bothering cats and listen to the folky/R&B version of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” in all its glorious smile-inducing cuteness.

Yes, The Voice Australia semi-finalist Fatai just released her full rendition of the song everyone – even people who miraculously haven’t seem Frozen – are singing regardless of it being summer and there not being access to snow in most parts of the country.

Beyonce is surely jealous of all this note-stretching soulfulness, wondering why she didn’t come up with this for the sing-Blue-Ivy-to-sleep mixtape.  Read more…

August 27, 2014 / Hallie Madenski

Chelsea Gets Nude in the Shower with Ellen

Ellen chelsea showerChelsea Handler is making a big, well-publicized move from E! to Netflix for a reported $10 million.

For her final sendoff on E! Chelsea displayed ultimate raunch levels during a more hit-than-miss shower scene with Ellen DeGeneres where Ellen wonders why she’s never been asked to appear on the show and Chelsea pretends to not know Ellen’s sexual orientation while bouncing up and down naked in front of a million cameras like a porn star without the risk of infection.

Later, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock and 50 Cent appeared along with Miley, Selena Gomez and Gwen Stefani for an intervention and some live music, because what’s more likely to get ratings than awkward nudity and oodles of celebrities? Read more…

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