I know explosive diarrhea goes away after a few hours and some form of hydration, but what’s the cure for an exploded ego?
I figure you make the subject churn butter with the Amish, or sing with nuns to remind them what it’s like to be a regular, non-recognized person, but if there’s anyone in Hollywood who seems to not need a course in being down-to-earth, it’s Jennifer Lawrence.
Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.
The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.) Read more…
Every year at Comic-Con we see bundles of gender and race-flipped superheroes, and now, to delight of cosplayers everywhere, female Thor and black Captain America are a reality in the Marvel universe.
Steve Rogers is passing his shield to Sam Wilson a.k.a Falcon (played by Anthony Mackie in The Winter Soldier) and Thor’s hammer is being picked up by a woman.
Introduced in 1969, Falcon was the second mainstream black superhero ever after Black Panther in 1966, and the first to hail from the U.S. As for Thor, we’ll have to wait until October to find out about the mysterious woman who takes the place of the original and what he did to no longer be worthy of the title. Read more…
Indie Folk songstress Jenny Lewis is promoting her first album in forever with a music video featuring two hated big name actress and one lesser known, less hated one.
Brie Larson wins the cutest-girl-in-bad-wankster-drag award while Kristen Stewart AND Anne Hathaway both miraculously manage to look exactly like Tina Fey in an SNL skit.
Lewis’ third solo album, The Voyager, drops July 29. She’s also opening for Beck on a handful of North American tour dates. (To me, she’ll always be Rita from Foxfire.)
Basically, in the future – 2031 to be exact – the human race has decided to release a chemical into the atmosphere to cool the climate, but it works too well and freezes everything and the last few remnants of mankind are stuck on a train that circles earth once a year.
It’s based on a French graphic novel (Le Transperceneige), and is basically a much grittier, gorier South Korean version of The Hunger Games, except on a train.
With Chris Evans as Katniss (or Princess Elsa), Jamie Bell as Peeta, Tilda Swinton as Effy, and Ed Harris as President Snow. HUNGER TRAIN!
The train circles the earth once a year and works on a horribly unfair class system, with the people at the back of the train eating roach protein and getting their arms frozen off and broken with sledgehammers by the rich sushi-eating folk at the front when they misbehave.
Brooding dude in a beanie Curtis (Captain America) decides to do something about it and break through the security gates to take control of the “eternal engine” with the help of an imprisoned drug addict and his clairvoyant daughter. Read more…
The man, Daniel Webb, looked at him, cool as a cucumber and responded, “Only when I have sex.”
With even cooler presidential cucumber coolness, Bama held out his fist, knuckles out and said “bump me.”
Are you a young person whose parents are on the fence about you getting some measly bellybutton or industrial piercing? I think I may have a solution. Show them a picture of this German guy with 36mm cheek gauges…
There’s a chance they’ll think whatever you want is just a gateway piercing to having your teeth show through the side of your face like post-burn Harvey Dent, but it’s worth a shot.
23-year-old Joel Miggler can stick his tongue out the holes and blow mass amounts of smoke out of them, looking very much like a human gas mask. I’m also pretty sure that at least 20% of the food he puts in his mouth falls right back out.
Prince Fielder’s bear body and DGAF expression put the naked butts and boobs of fellow 2014 ESPN Body Issue cover models Venus Williams, Marshawn Lynch, [snowboarder] Jamie Anderson, Serge Ibaka and Michael Phelps to shame.
If you don’t want to ravish him on a fur rug, your face is a waste of good eye sockets.
Two of my great guilty pleasure loves are Britney Spears and also The Simple Life, specifically Nicole Richie because she was kind of a looney tune, but a conscious looney tune who didn’t give a crap about anything but getting high and saying made-up words in a chipmunk voice.
Britney Spears is my favorite because every song she makes sounds like porn.
Die-hard-fan-since-age-15 Richie recently visited The Tonight Show to talk about the she went to Vegas to see Britney and her dancers put a harness on her, brought her on stage and handed her leash to Britney, who proceeded to walk her like a dog and how it was the best moment of her life, better even than her wedding to that guy with a fedora glued to his head. Read: Crosby, Stills, Nash, and ‘Young’ Cover Iggy Azalea’s ‘Fancy’ on ‘Jimmy Fallon’
Michelle Rodriguez’s super-fun romance with Cara Delevingne has been replaced for the summer by a less-fun one with Zac Efron (there they are, making out in Italy), who has a really nice body but is boring as month-old apple pie.
Unlike Michelle, her temper and supermodel ex, Zac is almost “too perfect” for my liking. I believe him to be keeping screeching retards captive in his basement like that black lady on Desperate Housewives.
Apparently, Tumblr seems to think “Zichelle” consists of some crappy boy band kid named Zach Porter and gf Michelle Forget, but I’m here to tell you that this is the real Zichelle even though I see them lasting about as long as my desire to have chickens in my backyard. (I don’t have a backyard.)
Miley Cyrus and The Flaming Lips make a compelling case for never doing LSD. (RS)
Don’t move to Chicago unless you want bullet holes in your thighs. (Gawker)
Beyonce’s dad is a huge broke horndog with multiple baby mamas. (TMZ)
Posh Spice shared an awkward glance with Sam Jackson at a tennis match. (BuzzFeed)
Canadian couple too in love to notice hungry tornado behind them. (Yahoo!)
Joan Rivers thinks we all think Michelle Obama is a tranny. (Uproxx)
Taylor Swift’s “family” members look a lot like Emma Stone and Lena Dunham. (Vulture)
Ronda Rousey is a powerhouse, a beast and arguably the most exciting fighter to watch in either men or women’s MMA. She’s also so far ahead of her competition that only one of her ten fights has ever gone past the first round. Her latest bout against #2 seed Alexis Davis was surprisingly short, even for a Rousey fight. After a mere 16 seconds, she flipped a seemingly lifeless Davis on her back and popped her in the face about 7 times. The punishment she doled out was already too much for the refs to stomach, and it was over.
I’m starting to think the only way to make the fights fair is if Ronda’s opponents are on steroids, or if Ronda herself is horribly injured or plastered out of her mind. Seriously, I’d put $1000 on drunk Ronda over sober whoever on steroids. It still wouldn’t be a contest.
So far, only Miesha Tate and Liz Carmouche have come even remotely close to defeating Ronda. People still think early women’s MMA trailblazer-turned actress Gina Carano could pull a win out of the bag against her, but I’m a firm believer that the only woman who stands a chance is the one who brutally defeated Carano in 2009. Read more…
Giant white Australian ass vs. giant New York ass, also known as up-and-comer Iggy Azalea vs. Nicki Minaj, is not a thing. After that phantom conglomerate we call the internet automatically assumed the parts of Minaj’s BET Awards speech about authenticity and songwriting were aimed at fellow Best Female Hip-Hop Artist Nominee Azalea, Minaj took to Twitter to clarify that her words were actually not directed at anyone in particular.
According to her, we put the shade in her hand and threw it for her / on a beef scale of 1 to 10, this is a turkey sub. Read more…
The viewer takes on some of the cat’s anxiety, as it feels like it takes FOREVER for the door to open and the dude to walk in, set down a box, and catch the cat in the air as he leaps into his arms. So cute.
I relate to this. The last time I was downtown I did the same thing to a stranger but that was mostly because they had a cheese blintz in their hand. Begging them to adopt me and let me live in their pool house was probably mistake, but I don’t regret stealing the blintz. Read more…