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October 7, 2011 / Hallie Madenski

Worst Celebrity Bikini Bodies Of 2011 (Porpoise Sightings)

Julia Roberts, Ke$ha and Mel B

Ah celebrities and their love/hate relationship with the beach, bikinis, paparazzi and general body dysmorphia. Body issues that I am in no way helping by critiquing and berated on my filthy, degrading website. (Meh)

Most of these celebrities aren’t even overweight. In fact, many are disturbingly skinny and withered from years of starvation, mid-chest sun exposure, alcohol-slurping and botched cosmetic surgery…

The absolute worst beach body of the year goes to Tara Reid. A repeat offender who is in desperate need of not only a full-coverage swimsuit but also a couple of In-N-Out cheeseburgers. These three sticktasticly anorexic sand people could also use a burger:

[Janice Dickinson, Gisele Bundchen and Kelly Bensimon, from left]

Or there’s the large terrifying muscles of Serena Williams, the biggest bitch in sports besides Michael Vick, who, for reasons beyond me, is constantly included on “sexiest female athlete” lists…

Or the finely aged 65 year-old cheese of Goldie Hawn (who I love, but still) or Donatella Versace – who suffers from that previously mentioned leather-skinned, toasted bacon chest affliction.

And ta-dah, Mrs. Tara Ried, the crotch-flashing 35 year-old who manages to look much worse than Donatella, who is 56. There is nothing redeeming about this, she’s 1000 times more beyond help than Lindsay Lohan, or a dead person.

And, to soothe your mind and horrify you less (like watching Bridesmaids after The Exorcist, or drinking a vanilla milkshake moments after swallowing buckets of cod liver oil) I present you with the three best bikini bodies:

 [Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and an anonymous embarrassing celebrity. Sorry none of these attractive people are white. I myself am Caucasian/Scandinavian and therefore self-loathing]


Leave a Comment
  1. nleod / Jan 24 2015 4:51 pm

    Contrary to what you said, of the 3 you listed as looking good, two are white (Caucasian). Being white doesn’t necessarily mean pale, otherwise people could change race just by getting a tan. Look up the anthropological terms relating to phenotype (race). It will clarify this for you.


  2. dlschuch / Aug 6 2013 11:01 am

    that last photo is NOT kim kardsian


    • baraa kadhem / Jun 26 2014 8:06 am

      It is kim kardashian lol.


  3. bidzy / Sep 1 2012 4:20 pm

    Sorry dear but Venus looks great!


    • Val / Mar 20 2014 3:14 pm

      I have to agree!


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