Just realized I haven’t talked about Rihanna in a while because I thought if I prayed hard enough in silence for her Instagram account to reappear I might get a response because summer is here and I desperately need to know which monokini has the best slits and what beach provides equal parts shade and sun for eating pineapple slices off Cara DeLevingne in an MDMA haze.
An Instagram account isn’t even the only thing we’re mourning, Rihanna has sadly been enjoying her break from album-recording, and will probably not release her usual CD in November.
As far as zombie comedies go, there’s Zombieland with its famed rules of escape, British zomedy Shaun of the Dead, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Planet Terror, Zack Snyder’s super gory Dawn of the Dead remake etc.
The latest, Life After Beth, has two parents (John C. Reilly and Molly Shannon) and a boyfriend (Dane DeHaan) dealing with the reality of their beloved (Aubrey Plaza) rising from the grave.
It’s essentially Warm Bodies with a gender reversal, only one zombie and a focus on the former human’s newfound appetite for flesh. Or Jennifer’s Body advertised properly, with queen of one-liners/Parks and Rec show-stealer as the dead girl.
Wanda Sykes was on Watch What Happens a few Tuesdays ago to air her grievances about the “new” Beyonce. You know, the one who left her man-hating Destiny’s Child sisters in the dust in favor of solo man-worship and a baby suspiciously named after an invasive weed.
My favorite comedian is specifically disturbed by the thought of Jay-Z’s “ashy penis,” but I just miss Kelly and Michelle’s matching halter tops and synchronized hand waving.
Destiny’s Child had a formula and it worked every time… Dirty Beyonce is unpredictable.
Megan Fox is not as shallow as you may have once thought and cares much more about her two sons than her fans. During a chat with Parents magazine, Fox explained that due to an intense case of “mommy guilt,” her heart is no longer in bending over cars, puking black slime or having her boobs jiggled by Leslie Mann.
Really her only motivation to act is to pump up Bodhi and Noah’s college fund…
“I have to make one movie a year because I have to invest in their future and I have to be able to pay their way through college and be able to provide for them,” she said. “I’m looking for movies that will shoot in Los Angeles, for projects where I’m part of an ensemble so I can shoot in and out in 10-20 days. It’s all about trying to spend as little time away from my kids as possible.”
The nephew retaliated in typical teenage fashion, by stepping up the name-calling to “c*nt,” pointing a BB gun at her and hitting her in the head with the broom she flew in on.
An apparently drunk Solo began attacking her own sister once the boy called the police, leaving “visible injuries.” TMZ has a recording of the kid in the process of fending off his “psychotic” auntie Ho Ho, who has already plead not guilty to assault. Read more…
It took a multitude of completely unamused German firefighters to deliver one teen exchange student from a vagina-shaped sculpture after his friends urged him to climb inside for a photo-op.
No medical attention was needed, as there is no definitive cure for embarrassment. Seriously, this kid is going to be known as “vagina boy” until the end of time.
Girls he dates are going to think he’s one of them, and even after he’s adopted a new identity and is peering over a newspaper in Groucho glasses like someone from a 1950s spy movie, passersby are going to do a double take, pull up this photo from Imgur and chase him down the street yelling “It’s totally you!!!”
Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis reunited last week to remind us that they’ve “still got it.”
In an ideal Thelma and Louise sequel, the iconic duo suffered many broken bones and entered comas driving off the cliff, awakening 23 years later wishing they had died as soon as they hear “Let Me Take a Selfie” playing in the hospital waiting room. Read more…
Jesse and Jason Holden (cousins) ran into Sequim’s Carrie Blake Park, snatching a young boy. They ran the boy into a van and sped away while worried parents chased after them. Little did the parents know, this was all a set up. The mother of the child, Shellie Baskins, was waiting in the car for her child to be brought to her from the “kidnapper.” They later met up with a police officer who was previously informed that this act was going to happen and that it was to raise awareness for child abduction.
Only the people who were involved in the fake kidnapping and the few police officers were aware. Afterward, the cousins returned to the park to explain what there were trying to do. Everyone was outraged at the least.The cousins and the mother were later charged with disorderly conduct. The trail dates have not yet been determined but the trio could be charged up to 364 days in jail or a $5,000 fine.
Hot criminal Jeremy Ray Meeks is making women around the country swoon with his blue eyes, rap sheet, teardrop tat and pouty, modelesque mugshot.
Rewind to summer of 2012, when NASA engineer Bobak Ferdowsi a.k.a. “mohawk guy” stole not only our hearts but our minds during the Mars Rover landing. Same unexplainable phenom, very different men…
Sadly I think 80% of women would rather be “robbed and assaulted” by sexy mugshot guy and his gunrunning ways than let Mohawk Guy explore their forbidden planets. Read more…
Watch and learn, ladies, these three fabulous men dancing at the speed of freshly-fed Hummingbirds to Beyonce’s greatest hits in high heels without breaking a sweat are the hottest thing since croissant-crust Hot Pockets.
You can thank French Britain’s Got Talent finalist Yanis Marshall (in the red and black shorts) for the choreography and equally animated back-up dancers, Arnaud and Mehdi, for the support. Beyonce’s legal team is seeking $2 million in stolen thunder.
Read: Interview w/ “High Heel Dancer” Yanis Marshall; Paris Choreographer Extraordinaire
So I was playing video games the other day, not paying much attention to my surroundings and I glance to my left randomly and see this freakish pale-faced figure peering at me through the blinds. It’s a good thing I was already wearing an adult diaper because I was terrified and thought Slender Man was visiting my room to punish me for wondering how anyone could believe in or fear a malnourished half-human, half-octopus man in a suit.
Not at all making light of the children who recently stabbed their friends and family in the name of this urban legend, but is the resemblance to Slender Man and my cat not uncanny?
She’ll totally lure you onto the sofa, hypnotize you into petting her and then pierce random parts of your body with razor-sharp teeth at unexpected moments. Read more…
For proof, check out Lena’s split second transition from laughing demure female celeb on a talk show to cutthroat, wine-drinking devil woman delivering the best verbal low blows of all time straight to Jimmy Kimmel’s heart. Read more…
The only thing I ever liked about Coldplay satanist Chris Martin was the rumor that he got revenge on his ex – super healthy Gwyneth Paltrow – by buying fast food for their kids. I suppose there is one other thing I like, and that’s when Coldplay is in between albums and not making the cheesiest, most sleep-inducing music of all time.
Sadly, his band is still promoting Ghost Stories and have invaded Sydney to film their “A Sky Full of Stars” video, and Chris is apparently either enjoying a protein-rich, non-French Fry diet or has discovered steroids.
With giant arms, tulips bursting out of his guitar and a drum strapped to his back, he’s forgotten that most women would rather back up into a glory hole or have a one night stand with Verne Troyer than be with a birthday party magician. And that Nick Cannon’s character in Drumline is the only member of a marching band to ever get laid.
The World Cup is an amazing occurrence in sports to most, full of bright colors and whizzing balls on a field the size of space which usually excites me about as much as Ron Jeremy naked on a silver platter, but Mexico’s game against Brazil on Tuesday caught my attention.
…Or at least the muted highlights (seen here in glorious Gif form) on SportsCenter did.
Goalkeeper Guillermo Ochoa somehow managed to keep a tie-game interesting with his trampoline legs, Mr. Fantastic arms and steel chest. He’s The Avengers, Justice League and the Guardians of the Galaxy combined. Read more…
The maturity of internet trolls combined with the confused faces of professional basketball players makes the second NBA edition of Mean Tweets comic gold. PRESS PLAY!
And I know my gossipy lowlife ass wasn’t the only one waiting with bated breath for the Kim Kardashian diss during the Kris Humphries portion.
Tags: emotional lesbian, pubey, cookie monster, panties with leg warmers, Swarovski, homeless
Aaron Paul (Jesse Pinkman on Breaking Bad) lives on in crappy car movies, random interviews and televised commercials for Xbox One. Commercials where he utilizes voice commands like “Xbox on,” that are causing consoles across America to power up without their owner’s consent.
“Hey Aaron Paul, please stop messing with my Xbox,” seemed to be the sentiment of most.
Such first world/white male problems. “OH NO, this expensive flat box with the sound and moving pictures is making this other expensive, less flat box beep every time I reach for the bowl of artisan sea salt popcorn resting on my sectional leather sofa…
…I’m totally going to go on a killing spree now and cite this as the ‘reason.’” Read more…