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February 1, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-1-13]

Les Miserables spoof-version of Anne Hathaway “did it all in one take, bitches.” (Jezebel)

Dakota Fanning knows she looks young and loves freaking you out. (Huffington Post)

Manti Te’o hoaxer Ronaiah Tuiasosopo does lady voice for Dr. Phil. (Gawker/Deadspin)

Khloe Kardashian calls Kris Humphries “fame hungry,” and “delusional.” (Us Weekly)

X-ray scientists discover lopsided mountains in J. Lawrence pneumonia case. (Evil Beet)

Miley Cyrus played a detective in a movie called So Undercover. Who knew? (Celebuzz)

San Francisco cornerback Chris Culliver apologizes for anti-gay comments. (ohmyGAHH!)

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February 1, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Beyonce Blames The Weather In Press Conference About Lip-Syncing

Beyonce super bowl press conferenceWhen you’ve been hired to perform at the biggest, most watched sporting event of the year, you have the power to call a press conference for the sole purpose of proving a point.

Yesterday, Beyonce walked into a room full of reporters with “Super Bowl XLVII” and the Pepsi logo emblazoned in lights behind her and said “Hello, how is everyone? Would you guys mind standing?”

You would be correct in guessing that a slightly rushed version of the National Anthem came after.

I guess the whispers of deceit and even the question of how much air her lungs can hold after the Inauguration lip-sync scandal finally got to her. Afterwards she said this:

Read more…

February 1, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Help Me Decipher Lindsay Lohan’s New Tattoo Before My Head Explodes and I Turn To Mush

Lindsay Lohan triangle tattooI dream of a world where you can’t throw a stone and hit three Lindsay Lohan stories in a single day. In that world I’m out of the job, but it’s still a nice thought. Until then, we can talk about Lindsay’s new tattoo…

Her latest ink is a red triangle and words that I think say “What dreams may close,” though the popular guess is “What dreams may come.” This chicken scratch obviously has something to do with the illuminati (though Perez says Scientology).

Or it’s just something Lindsay saw in a children’s book (this one?). Or she’s just a really big Robin Williams fan. We’ll never f*cking know (unless she writes about it on Twitter later).  Read more…

January 31, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Rihanna Calls Chris Brown ‘A Mistake,’ Says She’ll Leave If He Hits Her Again

Rihanna Rollingstone 2013 Usually we read short paragraphs about Rihanna‘s relationship with Chris Brown in fairly spaced-out interviews.

Her latest, in Rolling Stone, is the anabolic-steroid version of that.

As in, MORE paragraphs about why Chris Brown is good for her which equals MORE hair-pulling from my side (and my “side” includes Lena Dunham, who doesn’t have very much hair to spare).

Former Wendy’s clown Rihanna says she’s positive that Chris Brown will never hit her again.

“He doesn’t have the luxury of f**king up again,” she tells RS contributing editor Josh Eells. “That’s just not an option. I can’t say that nothing else will ever go wrong. But I’m pretty solid in the knowing that he’s disgusted by that. And I wouldn’t have gone this far if I ever thought that was a possibility.”  Read more…

January 31, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-31-13]

Kristen Stewart eye bagsKristen Stewart says “dancing is harder than being naked” in special issue of W. (Just Jared)

No more Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy. 30 Rock series finale airs tonight. (Grouchy Muffin)

Entourage movie is a go. Get ready to see Turtle’s hat and Piven’s plugs in 3D. (Deadline)

Hacker group calling themselves “Nazi Gods” claim to have taken down Amazon. (Gizmodo)

Justin Bieber loves Nerf guns, grabbing boobs and standing on the porch. (ohmyGAHH!)

Lindsay’s brother Landon Lohan is a Major in the army of No Chance. (NY Daily News)

Brandi Glanville talks about her ex-husband’s limp noodle in her new bestseller.  (Evil Beet)

January 31, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

What To Expect From Ke$ha’s Reality Show

Kesha my crazy beautiful life promoI have a bad feeling about the Ke$ha reality show MTV just okayed.

Maybe it won’t live up to its full potential, like Snakes on a Plane. Maybe it’ll die after two seasons the way The Ashlee Simpson show did.

What if it isn’t about Ke$ha drinking her own puke out of an iron lung??

So what will My Crazy Beautiful Life (also the name of her book), which debuts in April, actually be about? Ke$ha says it will reveal a “more complete picture” of her life, which is “real” and “not at all glamorous.”  Read more…

January 31, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Video: Ellie Goulding – “Explosions”

I usually think of concert footage incorporation in music videos as a lazy cop-out excuse to not be creative, BUT I love Ellie Goulding too much to spew anything but praise in the case of “Explosions.”

Still not sure why she doesn’t encourage security to push people onstage so she can shave the sides of their heads and make hair voodoo dolls modeled after the Rolling Stone writer who failed to included Halcyon on the 50 Best Albums of 2012 list.  Read more…

January 30, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Schwarzenegger’s Forgotten Unit Unearthed in New Jersey

Arnold flashingThe past week has not been easy for symbols of American machismo.

First Burt Reynolds and his mustache were placed in the ICU after coming down with decimating winter flu. Ron Jeremy, also in intensive care, had an aneurysm, and a vintage photo of Austrian muscle man turned Cali Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger engaged in a lewd act was reportedly discovered in a storage locker belonging to late Penthouse founder Bob Guccione.

I picture a team of khaki-laden archaeologists dusting the corners of this locker, imagining it was a highly precious mystery holding secrets of mankind, or at least deleted scenes from Jurassic Park.  Read more…

January 30, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-30-13]

Ray Lewis angry purple hulk OF COURSE Ray Lewis puts illegal muscle-growing antler extract on his tongue. (Deadspin)

Ashley Judd and her husband Daria have mutually ended their marriage. (People)

Surfer Garrett McNamara rode a 100-foot wave in Portugal and didn’t die. (Daily Beast)

John Mayer creeping towards Girls star Allison Williams like the blob. (Jezebel)

I would not recommend watching the video of the Cuban baby getting a tattoo. (IB Times)

Jason London looks like a gluten-free blueberry muffin after Arizona bar fight. (TMZ)

All the Steve Job makeup in the world can’t save Ashton Kutcher‘s performance. (Gizmodo

January 30, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Oprah Asks Cissy Houston About Whitney’s Possible Lesbian Tendencies

Whitney Houston's girlfriendIn the new book Remembering Whitney by Cissy Houston, the stern mother of the troubled star wrote that she did not approve of her daughter’s relationship with Robyn Crawford.

Crawford was often linked romantically to Houston without much proof, but Cissy basically spelled it out when she said that kids “want to experiment with all kinds of things.”

Oprah Winfrey asked Houston about it on OWN’s Next Chapter in a less elaborate but equally honest line of questioning, and Cissy still made it clear that she disliked the very idea of it.  Read more…

January 30, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Dirty AZ Cops and Bouncers Rough Up Jason London’s Hair and Glasses

Jason London beaten up by copsLet’s do a short debriefing on identical twin actor brothers Jason London and Jeremy LondonCelebrity Rehab/Party of Five/Mallrats Jeremy London was in the news a lot for bad behavior (drugs, battery, climbing a tree, pretending to be kidnapped) from 2010 to 2012.

Unlike his brother, Dazed and Confused’s JASON London is still a working actor with multiple movie and television projects in the works, but that could be slowed by the fact that he was arrested on Sunday for a bar fight in Arizona.

Skip the mundane parts of the report and you’ve got Jason walking around Scottsdale bleeding, attracting the attention of the police. When they arrive he calls one of them a “faggot” and says he owns them because he’s “a motherf***ing famous actor.”

Read more…

January 29, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Frank Ocean Wants Chris Brown Poked With Splintery Penitentiary Wood

92387985JK095_POWER_105_1_SYesterday I told you about the latest barnyard rooster fight where Chris Brown and Frank Ocean went into a trance of unnatural posture and puffed-out chests over a parking space or whose wattle hangs lower.

Well, today there are various reports relating to the tussle. My favorite is that Frank Ocean wants to press charges.

You know how Iron Man has that shrapnel magnet in his chest? Well, in my dreams, Chris is in a jail cell with a guy who holds the remote control to a giant buttplug in his ass, and every time he misbehaves, it deeply penetrates him AND shocks him with 2000 volts of electricity. Even better than heart-piercing shrapnel, yeah? Read more…

January 29, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-29-13]

David Arquette Adam LambertHappy birthday Adam Lambert! Here’s shirtless David Arquette, in your lap. (ohmyGAHH!)

Courtney Stodden is now a sex-crazed BRUNETTE with an old husband. (Evil Beet)

Ex-49er Kwame Harris arrested for pulling his ex-boyfriend‘s pants down. (Bossip)

Hulk Hogan tweets photo of his daughter captioned “Brooke’s legs.” (TMZ)

Netherlands King’s wife is a dead ringer for Britney Spears, circa X Factor. (Gawker)

Amy Poehler penning humorous and honest “life lessons” book for 2014. (Celebuzz)

Oprah asks Cissy Houston about Whitney’s possible lesbian tendencies (She Knows)

January 29, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Jeremy Shockey Out $15,000 For Posting Photo of His Ex-Wife’s Tight End?

Jeremy Shockey Daniela CortazarFormer Giants and Saints Super Bowl champion Jeremy Shockey’s soon-to-be ex-wife Daniela Cortazar is asking for $15,000 because of an Instagram photo of her bare bottom that supposedly violates a privacy provision in the prenup.

These two lovebirds spent a handful of last year’s months batting their eyelashes at each other and Tweeting photos from the bed they couldn’t be bothered to leave.

Suddenly, Shockey decided Cortazar was insane and filed for divorce, claiming the marriage was “irretrievably broken.” (Posting the booty pic after the fact because he still thinks she’s hot and/or wanted to humiliate her?)

Read more…

January 29, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Courtney Love Covers ’99 Problems’ At Sundance

Courtney Love sundance 2013Courtney Love, never one to censor herself, covered Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” with most of the original lyrics (including the n-word) onstage in Park City, Utah during Sundance.

Before playing the song she said “It either sucks or it’s genius,” which could also apply to all the movies screened at Sundance.

And don’t even start to wonder if it’s okay for her to say the n-word. She’s a bitter, broke, equal opportunity, rock star. Not even equal, because her all her problems seem to involve throwing shade at her white peers and frenemies. Problems like:

1. Gwen Stefani and her husband:

His band never did that well but he is very, very smart. He runs the Gwen show, that’s him. He runs the clothing line, he f**king built that up, he has nothing else to do.  Read more…

January 28, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Chris Brown and Frank Ocean Skirmish Over Recording Studio Parking Spot

Frank Ocean Chris BrownChris Brown, Frank Ocean, and their respective entourages rumbled Sunday night over rights to a parking space at Westlake Studio. Sources tell TMZ that Frank blocked Chris from leaving, claiming ownership of the parking spot and studio.

They then say that Chris went to shake his hand, and one of “Frank’s people” hit Chris. Team Brown hit back and then Frank and Chris started brawling with each other.

Chris bolted from the scene while Frank stayed behind to talk to the cops, which makes it hard to believe that he’s the one who instigated the fight.  Read more…

January 28, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-28-13]

Sigourney Weaver Jane Lynch SAG awardsSigourney Weaver and Jane Lynch wore crazy black bags to the SAG Awards. (Evil Beet)

Here’s when Jennifer Lawrence’s dress split in half because she stood up. (E! Online)

Liberty Ross divorces predatory sack of sorry crap Rupert Sanders. (People)

The surprised, squinty new face of Diet coke is………….. Taylor Swift! (Adweek)

Russell Crowe‘s costume in Les Mis is actually from Britney‘s wardrobe. (Celebuzz)

In the mind of Lindsay Lohan, nudity is okay for her and no one else. (Huffington Post)

Tom Brady and Gisele live in a modern-day castle with a moat, dragon and knights. (ONTD!)

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