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February 23, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-23-13]

Michelle Obama single ladies
Michelle Obama shows Jimmy Fallon (and the world) her motherly dance moves. (Us Weekly)

White people using “nigga” makes Lena Dunham “supremely uncomfortable.” (Evil Beet)

Rihanna‘s Pacific Palisades neighbors rally against her, say she brings trouble. (Celebuzz)

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are crossing their webbed toes for a daughter. (Radar)

Adam Brody‘s red-hooded romance with Leighton Meester revealed in new photo. (TMZ)

The UFC doesn’t know how to market women, turns Ronda Rousey into your brother. (Deadspin)

The Pope quit because he wasn’t invited to all the underground Vatican sauna orgies. (The Sun)

February 23, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

One Direction Ruin Blondie and The Undertones in One Fell Swoop

Harry Styles one way or anotherArizona is frozen, Australia is burning, it’s raining spiders in Brazil, there’s snow on the beaches of Croatia, a 10,000 ton meteor hit Russia and One Direction did a mash-up of “One Way Or Another” and “Teenage Kicks.”

Taylor Swift’s babyfaced ex singing not one but two iconic new wave songs written about 20 years before he was born has to be the most frightening sign of the coming apocalypse. (Though maybe he relates to that whole being stalked theme?)

I remember Glee and Angelica from The Rugrats ruining “One Way Or Another” on separate occasions. And dwarfy Billie Joe Armstrong didn’t have to squat too low for The Undertones’ classic… But this is a goddamn musical snuff double feature! Read more…

February 23, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Amazon Puts Gay Married Couple in Kindle Paperwhite Commercial

Gay Kindle adToday, during that educational show about Armenian mating rituals, my teeth almost fell out of my face when I saw the new Kindle ad with a surprise ending.

A man and a woman on an iPad and a Paperwhite are reading by the beach in a tropical location…

The man expresses frustration at not being able to see due to the glare on his device (this is the boring part), so the woman explains that the built-in light in her Kindle is oh so wonderful, even in the sun. Then he’s like, “I just spent over $100, let’s celebrate…”  Read more…

February 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Those Dummies Had Their Baby, Named it “Sebastian ‘The Bash’ Taylor Thomaz”

Wiz Khalifa Amber Rose tonguesI would say that I don’t know what it is about “Da Real” Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa that makes me want to smash my baby toe with a sledgehammer, but that’s not true…

It’s the incessant appearances at award shows like the VMAs, AMAs and Grammys. Dare I say that I could make more of a case for Chris Brown being invited?

The cure for Wiz Khalifa’s rapping is submerging your ears in bathtub water for 30 minutes a day, and the same goes for listening to Amber Rose talk.

You are NOT the black Natalie Portman, and it’s only amazing that you made a baby because of the medical miracle of his sperm heading towards your eggs instead of the weed clinic.  Read more…

February 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-22-13]

Josh Brolin drunk face
Diane Lane filed for divorce from Josh Brolin last week because he’s not a fun drunk. (TMZ)

If only EVERYONE would hire Ben Foster instead of Shia LaBeouf. (New York Times)

Kelly Osbourne chose a messed up ankle over diving headfirst into toilet water. (Evil Beet)

Did you know Ben Affleck made a movie about hanging lesbians from meathooks? (EW)

Lindsay Lohan Edie Scissorhanded/Francesca Kruegered a $1,700 dress. (NY Daily News)

Star Wars Princess Carrie Fisher “incoherent” and careless on Dutch cruise ship? (Inquisitr)

Nicole Scherzinger too busy for “We Found Love,” “Crazy” and “Just Dance.” (Huffington Post)

February 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

What The Actual Hell, Wesley Snipes

Wesley Snipes Gallowwalkers In the spirit of straight-to-DVD From Dusk Till Dawn movies, Wild Wild West, Jonah Hex, Cowboys & Aliens and Nicolas Cage, I bring you Gallowwalkers

Wesley Snipes hasn’t done much since going to the slammer for tax evasion in 2010, and despite still being there, he somehow managed to appear in this new horror/western that totally hopes to hook the fleshy cheeks of Blade fans. The only thing it seems to actually have in common with Blade is weird hair. But instead of that insanely manicured Blacula thing, we get dreadlocks and a salt and pepper goatee sharp enough to skewer Madonna’s elk meat biceps.

Gallowwalkers’ trailer thrives on bringing zombie-slaying to John Wayne’s genre for the third or fourth time, relying on cheesy catchphrases like “Out here, they come back.”

Read more…

February 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

10 Sexy Photos of MenKind’s ‘Least Sexy Actresses’

Uma Thurman sexy 2
British men who aren’t Robert Pattinson voted Kristen Stewart the “least sexy actress” in Hollywood along with Lindsay Lohan, Uma Thurman, Sarah Jessica Parker and other unfortunate souls.

I’ve always thought Kristen Stewart was sexy in that dirty-pile-of-laundry, hang-you-from-the-ceiling-and-whip-you-with-butt-plugs type of way.

But clearly I’m not a man from England and my opinion is more meaningless than MenKind’s list.

Read more…

February 21, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-21-13]

Kendra Wilkinson angry[Adult Honey Boo Boo] Kendra Wilkinson‘s toddler has already seen her Playboy photos. (Radar)

Guy Fieri’s fake American Kitchen menu is better than the real thing/balls. (Grouchy Muffin

Are you honestly bored of, or still hypnotized by Kate Middleton’s royal baby bump? (TMZ)

Justin Timberlake returning to Saturday Night Live for a 5th time in March. (Huffington Post)

Look everyone, Taylor Swift sat in the same room as Harry Styles and no one died. (Celebuzz)

Adam Lambert is Chris Colfer’s long lost brother during cover of Rihanna’s “Stay.” (ohmyGAHH!)

What’s the big deal about Lisa Lampanelli calling Lena Dunham her “nigga” on Twitter? (Gawker)

February 21, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Vin Diesel Should Stick to Driving and Being Buff

Vin Diesel singingWhen I was at Universal Studios last year I saw this whole Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift thing with pyrotechnics and cars flying out of the ground, I was like, “Where the hell is Vin Diesel?”

I’m aware he wasn’t even in Tokyo Drift, but whatever. I actually like him, and the whole studio tour would have been even cooler if he had popped out of a house on Wisteria Lane waving in his Riddick glasses.

He seems fun like Bruce Willis, if Bruce was bigger and not as good at acting. He also seems fun because he unabashedly sings questionable karaokeRead more…

February 21, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Kim Kardashian NOT Going Into Hiding After Season 9 of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’

Kim Kardashian Elizabeth Taylor Cut the piñatas, set down the ping pong ball, pour out the beer and empty your confetti jar. Kim Kardashian is NOT going to stop appearing on television.

I repeat, Kim confirmed that she is signed on “through at least season 10” of the show after people misinterpreted an interview she did with Dujour and thought season nine of Keeping Up With The Kardashians would be her last.

“I think there’s always an evolution of, you know, what you want to do in life,” she originally told the magazine. “It’s all about finding things that really excite you and motivate you and spark you all over.”

…Yeah, probably a quote about motherhood and/or humping Kanye in a pile of Elizabeth Taylor memorabilia. Nothing to do with keeping her precious HD pores out of the spotlight.

February 20, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Clive Davis is in the News a Bunch for Being a Heartless Queen

Clive Davis Kelly clarksonClive Davis and Kelly Clarkson’s feud is a little confusing. Here are the facts… Davis, CEO of Clarkson’s record label RCA, wrote a memoir called The Soundtrack of My Life. In the memoir, the 80-year-old producer credited for kickstarting the careers of talented acts like Whitney Houston, paints Kelly as an overly emotional twit with terrible instincts.

Specifically, he says Kelly was “hysterically sobbing” in his office because she hated what turned out to be the most successful songs from her 2004 sophomore album Breakaway.

Clarkson remembers it differently, writing an open letter on WhoSay about how Davis called her a “sh*tty writer” and told her to “just shut up and sing” after she performed the very personal “Because Of You.”

Read more…

February 20, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-20-13]

Britney Spears Scream and ShoutI’ll change my name to Stewball Madenski if Britney Spears doesn’t sing on her own albums. (Radar)

Justin Bieber‘s severed nutsack only worth $5,000? I was thinking five million. (Evil Beet)

You’ve already seen Madonna’s boyfriend shirtless, but here he is again. (ohmyGAHH!)

Ashlee Simpson drinking because she’s alone and her dad and sister aren’t. (Huffington Post)

Mean, no-fun Jersey DMV won’t let you wear pasta strainer in your license photo. (Gawker) just bought a $900,000 custom-made car because he thinks he’s Dick Tracy. (TMZ)

Republican Bob Beckel says rapes don’t actually happen on college campuses. (The Right Scoop)

February 20, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Michael Jackson’s Son is Going to be a Big Television Star

Prince Michael JacksonSoooo Michael Jackson’s 16-year-old son Prince just got a job with Entertainment Tonight, which is totally more prestigious than (but just as non-important as) Extra. Both shows hire weirdly interesting c-list, Surreal Life-worthy celebrities like Holly Madison and Robin Leach.

During his first gig interviewing Oz the Great and Powerful‘s James Franco, Sam Raimi and scrub Zach Braff, we learn that MJ Jr. has a pretty deep voice. Some fellow ET employee woman told him he seemed wise for his age and he grabbed his crotch, lit his hair on fire and screamed “Ehhh-heee” said it was all thanks to his dad.  Read more…

February 20, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Shark Week Sex Never Off Limits for Towel-Laying Maverick Billy Bob Thornton

Billy Bob Thornton Beverly HillsIf you haven’t already noticed, paparazzi like to ask celebrities a wide variety of strange questions.

Usually, they relate to a current movie or music project, or a scandal related to them or an acquaintance. Or sometimes, they just ask about tattoos and period sex.

While following Sling Blade/soul patch legend Billy Bob Thornton, a reporter for TMZ said “It’s Valentine’s Day, you’re happy, you’re about to be with your lady, you’re excited but she’s on, on her thing, are you still going in or…?”

Billy Bob hesitantly answered, “Oh, Gosh. Well, normally I don’t divulge that kind of information, but I’ve never been shy.”  Read more…

February 19, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Alec Baldwin and His Wife Commit Hate Crimes and Throw People Out Windows

Alec Baldwin Hilaria Thomas casualAlec Baldwin is being investigated for calling one New York Post photographer a “coon” and telling another that he wanted to choke her to death. Meanwhile, his wife is being sued for teaching crappy injury-causing yoga classes.

One story is easier to believe than the other since we all know Alec Baldwin once called his daughter a pig and wore a Klan robe on a public street in broad daylight. Baldwin denied making the racist remarks, which originated because he was asked about the allegations against his pregnant wife…

Allegations that she, Hilaria Thomas, yoga instructor extraordinaire, overbooked a class and the overbooking supposedly resulted in a man putting his leg through a window.  Read more…

February 19, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-19-13]

PENTHOUSE BUSSRest in peace, Lakers/Sparks owner Jerry Buss. May there be topless women in heaven. (Deadspin)

Josh Groban cancelled an appearance because he’s afraid of go-go dancers. (Inquisitr)

Baby bump binoculars out for Fergie/blonde Yoko Ono at Heathrow airport. (E! Online)

Danica Patrick won an award for pole dancing 500 times, or something. (Yahoo!)

Evil hoarder Taylor Swift pocketing $1.8 million after cancelled concert. (NY Daily News)

Boy George lost weight by eating porridge with cherries and cinnamon. (Huffington Post)

Kraft spent a bunch of money to bring snooty Grey Poupon ads to the Oscars. (Grouchy Muffin)

February 19, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Let’s Fat Shame Rob Kardashian The Way Dudes Fat Shame Khloe

Rob Kardashian fatI’m not a big fan of the term “fat shaming” because it’s a word women who call themselves feminists use alongside the word “objectifying.” (Which I really hate, because let’s face it, a lot of women are willingly objectified for pay and it’s called commercialism, not rape.)

If I was a hairy-pitted, Tom’s Deodorant-using hippie who just happened to catch the latest episode of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami down at the Y, I’d go on about how everybody examines Khloe’s cellulite under a microscope but nobody talks about Rob Kardashian’s weight gain because he’s a man. (Really I just want to make fun of him.)

Read more…


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