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January 25, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Matt Damon Gets Revenge on Jimmy Kimmel

Matt Damon Jimmy kimmelAfter years of Jimmy Kimmel teasing his audience with the age-old “My apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time” line, plus several cameos including one very memorable song, Matt finally, truly appeared on the show. Kimmel sat bound and gagged in the background as Damon acted as the host, Andy Garcia replaced security guard Guillermo and Sheryl Crow lead the band.

Damon pointed at Kimmel and then at himself saying,”Normally this program is hosted by that, tonight it’s being hosted by this,” and brought Jimmy’s real-life ex-girlfriend Sarah Silverman on the program, who roasted him by saying this about their relationship and why she dated him:  Read more…

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January 25, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-25-13]

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak says Ashton Kutcher’s Steve Jobs acting sucks. (Cult of Mac)

Christian Bale does good deed. Calls Batman-obsessed 8-year-old with leukemia. (ABC)

The mayor of Las Vegas wants Harry’s naked bum back in town. (Entertainmentwise)

Mars Volta did their time/wore out their welcome. Announce split on Twitter. (Pitchfork)

You can now get sent to jail with actual criminals for unlocking cell phones. (Mashable)

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters might not be the comedic gold you expected. (Pajiba)

Top Model All-Star Lisa D’Amato smashed her face open after a failed handstand. (Evil Beet)

 

January 25, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Kris Jenner Spent 1989 With Her Legs Above Her Head, Ignoring Her Kids

Kris Jenner unfit motherForgive me, but I just find this story so goddamn funny. Not the neglectful part. Just that Kris Jenner was such a sex-obsessed, Fassbender-in-Shame-style 80’s nymphomaniac that she couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone.

In an In Touch “exclusive,” which a rep for the Kardashian klan called “ridiculous,” the magazine claims to have obtained the late Robert Kardashian’s handwritten journals, which are full of complaints about his irresponsible ex-wife.

Inside, we learn (using “learn” loosely) that Kris kicked and beat Kim in August of 1989 and was so into Todd Waterman (that guy she just happened to run into on KUWTK) that she was never home.

Read more…

January 25, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Cameron Diaz’s Mentor Wants Her to Stop Bathing in Benjamins

Cameron Hair spermEveryone needs someone in their corner. Rocky had Paulie, Lisbeth had Mikael, Shaggy had Scooby, and Cameron Diaz has Gwyneth Paltrow.

According to The Sun, Gwyneth Paltula has disposed of Madonna’s dry, tasteless 54-year-old blood, placing her feeding straw against Cameron’s vital 40-year-old veins.

A source says Paltrow, who has tons in common with Diaz because they’re both blonde actresses, has “sorted out” her new friend’s finances and is forcing her to swear off sex for an entire year because men are a distracting waste of her time.

Really I just think Gwyneth wants everyone to share her boring married sex life. Or, she’s hoping her hymen will grow back so she can sell her into slavery. One of the two.

January 24, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Manti Te’o Plays Katie Couric His Fake Girlfriend’s Voicemails, Denies Gay Rumors

Manti Teo girlfriend memeManti Te’o answered the questions that were burning in the back of everyone’s minds on Thursday’s episode of KatieWell-worded versions of internet-favorites like “How could he be so f*cking stupid” and  “Is he a homo?”

The talented Notre Dame linebacker, whose online hoax (perpetrated by Ronaiah Tuiasosopo) spawned countless memes and an invisible Where’s Waldo “Manti Te’o Girlfriend” tumblr, also played some voicemails from fictional jealous beauty Lennay Kekua.  Read more…

January 24, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-24-13]

Kelly Osbourne Matthew Mosshart engagedEveryone but Kelly Osbourne thinks Kelly Osbourne got secretly engaged. (E! Online)

Bradley Cooper is interested in playing Lance Armstrong in a biopic. (NBC)

“No ill feelings” between Faith Evans and Biggie mistress Lil’ Kim. (ohmyGAHH!)

Taylor Swift sits in a Disney window with Disney hair extensions. (Celebuzz)

Peter Robbins, voice of Charlie Brown, arrested for stalking in San Diego. (TMZ)

Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey arguing some more (so glad I don’t watch). (Radar)

Overseas Ikea commercial causes a stir for joking about transgender women. (Inquisitr)

January 24, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Luke Perry Would Hypothetically Marry Donna, Shag Kelly and Kill Brenda

Beverly Hills 90210 memeIf you were ever wondering which Beverly Hills 90210 cast members Luke Perry would put a ring on, bone and murder, the answers are here.

Perry visited Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday when a caller presented him with the question and options.

“I’d marry Tori because I told her dad I’d look out for her,” Perry chivalrously replied. “That’s the best way for me to do that. I’d kill Shannen, because she’d want me to. And that’s the only reason.”

Then he grinned and asked “What was the other one?” fully knowing that he wanted to make Jennie Garth forget about Peter Facinelli by hypnotizing her with his forehead and penis wrinkles.

I assume talented, real-life and onscreen witch Shannen would “want” Luke to kill her because the hatred is mutual, and marriage or sex with him would melt her skin like a bucket filled with black licorice, Chris Brown and a Cabin in the Woods DVD would melt mine.

January 24, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

L.A. Woman Holds World Record For Largest Hips

woman with giant hips 39-year-old, 5’4″ Los Angeles native Mikel Ruffinelli‘s hips measure just over eight feet in circumference, making her the new world record holder.

“I love my shape and I see no reason to diet because I don’t have health problems,” the 420-pound mother of four and former plus-sized model told The World Record Academy.

Ruffinelli adds that she keeps her figure by consuming “Mexican food, English breakfasts and chips,” making sure to clarify that her and her husband have “an amazing time in bed” and are able to do every position.

I’m not even going to say anything mean. See how I’ve changed. It’s actually hard to not envy this woman’s confidence and seeming lack of self-consciousness.  Read more…

January 23, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

The Time Shia LeBeouf Dropped Acid and Asked Evan Rachel Wood For Acting Tips

Evan Rachel Wood Shia LeBeouf SundanceDuring an interview with MTV at Sundance, Shia LeBeouf sat with his Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman co-star Evan Rachel Wood and talked about how he prepared for his role as a young American man who travels to Romania because the spirit of his recently deceased mother tells him to. In the sit-down, LeBeouf praises Evan’s acting and talks about the time he dropped acid in real-life so he’d know how to act it out in the film.

“There’s a technique that Evan has that I don’t know yet. When I was 10 and she was 10 I was in [inaudible] pie fights. When I was 13 she was in Thirteen. I’ve always looked up to Evan,” he told a reporter in Park City, UT.

Read more…

January 23, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-23-13]

The package tour 2013They’ll make love to you: 98 Degrees, NKOTB and Boyz II Men together at last! (Huffington Post)

Chris Brown and Rihanna’s romance cracks Lena Dunham‘s heart in half. (Evil Beet)

Poopmaster zero Angelina Jolie explains why you shouldn’t have kids. (Bohomoth)

Rex Ryan got into another car accident. Sees green Jets-themed lights 24/7. (TMZ)

Watch: American Horror Story: Asylum freak Pepper’s makeup process. (ohmyGAHH!)

Justin Bieber‘s McDonald’s date with 22-year-old nurse drove Selena away. (Radar)

These photos of firefighters surrounding an icy warehouse fire in Chicago are insane. (NBC)

January 23, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

5 Things To Know About Super Bowl XLVII

ravens football headline 2012 super bowlSF Chronicle 49ers win 2013
Here’s the truth, I don’t know anything about the Super Bowl that a devout football fan doesn’t.

I can say that I predicted that the Ravens would beat the favorited Patriots in the AFC Championship, but really this is Super Bowl XLVII for dummies, girls and nerds. 101.

1. Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh

Harbaugh brothers Jim and John aren’t the first blood-relatives in coaching history. (Let’s not forget grease trains Rex and Rob Ryan and basketball’s Stan and Jeff Van Gundy.) Interestingly, they are the first brothers to coach against each other in the Super Bowl.  Read more…

January 23, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Funny Video: Honest Trailer – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

In 2008, Steven Spielberg helped George Lucas destroy the Indiana Jones franchise the way he destroyed Star Wars, only instead of Jar Jar Binks (whose only saving grace is a Rolling Stone article from 1999 about the actor who played him), he used gopher hills, Shia LeBeouf and aliens.

Screen Junkies, makers of Honest Trailers for Inception, The Dark Knight Rises and more, feel your pain. It almost hurts to relive the montage of old-age Indy jokes and CGI monkeys.  Read more…

January 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Things Are Heating Up Between Lindsay Lohan and Max George, Or She’s Stalking Him Harder

Lindsay Lohan Max George instagramI wasn’t even aware that Lindsay Lohan and The Wanted’s Max George were a real item.

Apparently I’m still living on last year’s news, when Lindsay was peering from behind trees and garbage cans outside The Wanted’s tour bus in hopes of catching a glimpse of him, or taking photos she could later hire someone to edit her face and body into.

I’m also blindly hoping there’s a Goldschlager’s flake of dignity left in her. She did, after all, reportedly turn down $550,000 to fall on her sequined ass on Dancing With The Stars. Girl needs the money so I’m not sure if that’s dignity or stupidity.

You say “tomato” I say DON’T DATE GUYS WHO REFER TO YOU AS “A GROUPIE.”   Read more…

January 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-22-13]

Kelly Clarkson Bill ClintonBill Clinton is very happy about seeing Kelly Clarkson’s backside at the inauguration. (Examiner)

Then Michelle Obama was NOT happy about eating near John Boehner. (NY Daily News)

Sheryl Crow totally knew about Lance Armstrong’s doping problem. (Celebuzz

300 more Blockbusters closing? Where will I rent my obsolete movies now?? (Yahoo!)

Benadryl Wafflesticks = best nickname ever for Benedict Cumberbatch. (ONTD)

Ladies, here’s what your gay man friends think about your blossoming lotus. (ohmyGAHH!)

Damn it, Beyonce! You tricked me and everyone else with your prerecorded bullsh*it! (L.A. Times)

 

January 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Differences Between ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ The Movie And Book

Bradley Cooper Silver Linings Playbook As much as I loved Silver Linings Playbook the movie, I noticed some strange things with the timeline and didn’t completely understand why Bradley Cooper’s character suddenly seemed to forget about getting back together with his wife Nikki in favor of the girl (Tiffany, Jennifer Lawrence) he seemed to regard as a friend throughout the entire film.

Then, in the improper order, I picked up the book (with the faces and voices of the actors and actresses imprinted in my mind) and it all made sense. Here are the major differences between Silver Linings Playbook (2012) directed by David O. Russell, and The Silver Linings Playbook (2008) written by Matthew Quick…

Read more…

January 22, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

After An Exhausting Run, Leonardo DiCaprio is Taking a ‘Long, Long Break’ From Acting

Leonardo DiCaprio Django Unchained eventAfter working back-to-back with Tarantino, Luhrmann and Scorsese on Django Unchained, The Great Gatsby and The Wolf On Wall Street, Leonardo DiCaprio will be putting some space between him and his craft.

“I am a bit exhausted. I’m now going to take a long, long break. I shot three films in two years and I’m just worn out,” DiCaprio told the German tabloid magazine Bild.

Leo, who said that he was “almost sick” when he read his character’s lines in the Django Unchained script, clarified that he would not be in hiding for his “break,” which will involve him improving the world and doing good for the environment.  Read more…

January 21, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

NO ONE Sings The National Anthem Like Beyonce

Beyonce Obama InaugurationBeyonce is garnering perfect reviews across the board after effortlessly performing the National Anthem at Obama’s inauguration earlier today. Gawker described her voice as “more heavenly than a thousand Hallelujah choruses,” and I can’t really disagree.

Her rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” is comparable only to the one that lady sang at the Panthers vs. Patriots Super Bowl in 2004. Oh oh, that was Beyonce too? Never mind.

Singing this is easier for her than talking, addition problems for preschoolers, or stealing sugar-free candy from Paula Deen’s purse while she’s window shopping for butter.  Read more…

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