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February 14, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

South African Olympian Oscar Pistorius Shoots and Kills Girlfriend Valentine’s Day Morning

Oscar Pistorius girlfriendParalympic champion Oscar Pistorius, also known as “Blade Runner” and the “Fastest man on no legs,” was arrested today for the murder of his model/law graduate girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Police arrived at Pistorius’ home in Pretoria, South Africa in the early hours of Valentine’s Day, recovering a 9 mm pistol from the scene believed to be the murder weapon.

Early reports suggested that the shooting was an accident and the possibly result of him confusing Steenkamp for an intruder while she was attempting to surprise him for Valentine’s.

Authorities say they had been called to his house multiple times for incidents of “a domestic nature,” and TMZ has learned that Pistorius was arrested in 2009 for assaulting a female companion.  Read more…

February 14, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-14-13]

Erik Karlsson 2013Erik Karlsson, skilled NHL defenseman just got his Achilles heel lacerated by a skate. (Deadspin)

Canuck Elisha Cuthbert beats out Americans for most beautiful woman on TV. (E! Online)

Kim and Kanye put through hell at JFK security by soon-to-be-fired airline employee. (TMZ)

Reynolds, Johnson, Gere, Stallone, Ford and Sinatra offered original Die Hard role. (Yahoo!)

Obama fist bumps with Republican senator Mark Kirk at the State of the Union. (Gawker)

Game of Thrones returns March 31. Tide yourself over with some Queen of Dragons porn. (ONTD)

DanRad gets cocky for Out Magazine + new Harry Potter book covers! (ohmyGAAH!/Just Jared)

February 14, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Respect Ke$ha’s Urine and She’ll Maybe, Possibly Not Bite You

Kesha gold toothKe$ha is known for being wonderfully dirty. Only slightly less wonderful is the fact that she talks about being dirty ALL THE TIME. From necklaces made of teeth, to beard fingering and touching ghosts in the dark, she’s a very imaginative lady.

On the MTV reality show My Crazy Beautiful Life, the result of her brother and his “weird friend” following her around with a camera, we get to see her drinking pee. Her own pee. That makes it better, right?

“I was told drinking my own pee was good, I was trying to be healthy,” Ke$ha told BBC Radio 1. “Somebody tried to take my pee away from me and I said, ‘That is mine!’ So I snatched it up and took a chug and it was really gross, so I don’t do it anymore.”

Read more…

February 14, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Beyonce For Vogue, March 2013

Beyonce Vogue 2013 Before her big night(s) at the Super Bowl and Grammys (to which she wore a similarly underwhelming black and white trouser and top combo), Beyonce did an interview with Vogue that generated a headline about Blue Ivy being her best and only friend in the world.

This is not entirely true. Vogue did in fact incorporate unique quotes from pals like Gemini’s Twin member Kelly Rowland, mother Tina Knowles, Alicia Keys (who said she has “more power than any woman”) and Gwyneth Paltrow (friends with everybody). GQ did the same thing in their extra strange interview with Bey, enlisting Solange for what felt like half the interview.

Maybe Beyonce just isn’t filling enough space on the page? Here are the parts she did fill in, with crayons, for Vogue’s March issue…  Read more…

February 13, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Royal Palace Sh*tting Crumpets Over Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump

kate middleton bikini baby bumpThe palace is going crazy over honeymoon photos of Kate Middleton published in Italy’s Chi (proudly fucking with the royals since 1997).

She is neither topless nor bottomless. Just in a bikini, pregnant with a pinto bean.

All of Britain’s tabloids passed on printing the very unshocking images of Kate and William vacationing in the West Indies out of “respect” (or fear that their heads would be severed quicker than you can say “She ain’t no human being”).

A St James’ Palace spokesperson issued a statement that the family is “disappointed” over the breach of privacy. As usual, their reaction is more sensationalized than any headline, photo, or story. God save the Duchess.

February 13, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-13-13]

RuPaul Peanut Butter RuPaul made a very educational video about the difference between jam and jelly. (ohmyGAHH!)

I guess I don’t have to ask if Helena Bonham Carter will be a better Liz Taylor. (Evil Beet)

Lady Gaga cancels tour dates because of STD-sounding “synovitis.” (Huffington Post)

Stern prank caller says Ronnie The Limo Driver shot Christopher Dorner. (TMZ)

James Franco is a total natural at deepthroating everything in sight. (Jezebel)

Try not to smoke 30 cigarettes or drink 10 litres of Coke a day. Got it. (Telegraph)

Hayley Hasselhoff headed down familiar whiskey-guzzling, hamburger-eating road. (E! Online)

February 13, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Winter 2013 [Photos]

Kate Upton has been busy standing still for Vogue Italia, defending her body, being the face of Accessorize jewelry and filming non-kissy Super Bowl commercials, but was completely happy to return to her Sports Illustrated roots for a second swimsuit issue cover.

Okay, maybe not as happy as last year, considering they sent her to Antarctica instead of sunny Australia.

In a Today Show interview, 20-year-old Upton said the location in general was beautiful but the shoot “wasn’t great” because she’s from Florida and had probably only previously seen ice and snow in Scholastic pop-up books. “When I came back I was losing hearing and eyesight because my body was shutting down, it was working so hard to keep warm. I was thinking warm thoughts,” she told Matt Lauer on Feb 12.  Read more…

February 13, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Funny Video: Sophia Grace & Rosie at the Grammys

Sophia Grace and Rosie shared candy and tiaras with Florence Welch, Katy Perry, 2 Chainz, Maroon 5, LL Cool J, Carrie Underwood and Drake while covering the red carpet at the Grammys.

The day after Ellen aired that gem, she made a 16-year-old girl’s dreams come true when she paired her up with Bruno Mars (who also gave her concert tickets and a Gucci dress) for a slow dance.

February 12, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Earning $3,000 a Week For Disney’s ‘Maleficent’ Reboot

Vivienne Jolie PittI always knew that if I was going to have children, I’d have a whole Bekins truck full of ‘em. At least enough to cover the offense and defense lines of the Edmonton Oilers or conduct in a band like The Jackson 5 or Selena y Los Dinos.

Spider-hand broodmother Angelina Jolie is no dummy either. After four long years of prestigious drama courses at Juliard, Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, born in 2008 as one-half of the most expensive twins in history, is ready for her acting debut.

The blonde, younger sister of Shiloh is set to star in Maleficent alongside Angelina, Elle Fanning, and Juno Temple. Siblings Pax and Zahara have been cast in smaller roles, with paychecks never exceeding Vivienne’s reported $3,000 per week.

February 12, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-12-13]

Kim and Kanye balconyJim and Janye still in Rio with Jill Smith. But who is more beloved by the people? —> (TMZ)

Famous blonde non-skeleton auditioned for Fantine in Les Miserables. (Huffington Post)

Brian Austin Green accidentally showed the paparazzi Megan Fox’s baby. (Evil Beet)

Are the Black Keys America’s version of those obnoxious Oasis brothers? Meh. (Spin)

Taylor Swift is talking like Harry Styles AND dressing like him for “22” video. (Daily Mail)

Sheryl Underwood’s wall of wigs: better than Romney’s binders full of women! (Celebuzz)

Lady Gaga loves to be hated. Tells fans not get mad when Kelly Osbourne disses her. (ONTD!)

February 12, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Madonna is ‘Addicted’ To Sweat, And Instagram!

Madonna wig InstagramMadonna just joined Instagram and has already started hazing herself. In the first photo, Madge wears a Bettie Page wig with a peculiar orange tint and a simple “Cheers motherf*ckers! I’m on instagram.”

One commentator wrote that she looked like “an aardvark sucking up ants,” but I disagree…

Lady Gaga looks nothing like an aardvark.

She ditched the alcoholic drink in her second picture for a breezy, cucumber-infused shot of semen. Semen that she claimed was sweat. Sweat that she is “addicted to.” (If you’re immature and you know it and you really wanna show it KEEP REPLACING “SWEAT” WITH “SEMEN.”)  Read more…

February 12, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Celeb-By-Celeb Breakdown of the 2013 Grammys

jennifer lopez grammy leg
The Grammys are boring, but you and I, we can pretend they’re not by focusing less on the gaudy “rock” and country music and more on the scandals, bad outfits and cleavage.

These are the most headline-worthy celebrities at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards

1. Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo joked onstage that she couldn’t give a cougarf*cking Casper Smart about CBS’s prude dress code memo, delivering a big f-you in the form of a giant, puffy genital-exposing gam.  Read more…

February 11, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Courtney Stodden Takes Auto-Tune All The Way in ‘Reality’

Courtney Stodden Reality still In the new music video for her first official single “Reality,” Courtney Stodden makes out with a James Spader knockoff and hires Lady Gaga’s egg guys to carry her around like a dead Egyptian queen during a burial ceremony.

The whole project was likely funded using money Courtney found under her husband‘s do-rag. But how much can it really cost to turn up the auto-tune to a screechy 10 every time she says “Control” while writhing around on a pile of half-chewed lollipops?

I’m thinking she paid off the entire cast and crew with porta potty sex, all the while lecturing them about her lack of plastic surgery. “I’m as natural as a Ball Park hotdog,” she’d say.  Read more…

February 11, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-11-13]

Frank Ocean grammys 2013The Pope says he resigned because of health problems, but really it was —–> (Grouchy Muffin)

Justin Bieber handled not being nominated for a Grammy really poorly. (NY Daily News)

Massive volcanoes beneath the earth are going to explode and kill your grandkids. (io9)

Helen Mirren has short pink hair. Is the cougar-iest Tinkerbell you’ve ever seen. (Celebuzz)

Navy Seal describes killing Osama Bin Laden (“Bap!) as if he were a Batman villain. (Radar)

Lindsay Lohan looking to open a high-end Mexican restaurant in Tribeca? (Gawker)

Which Chris Daughtry do you like better? The fat pedo one or the ripped pedo one? (ohmyGAHH!)

February 11, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Justin Bieber Sings, Flashes Abs and Makes Beliebers Laugh on SNL

Justin bieber abs SNL You know what the gym rats say. “Having abs because you’re skinny is like having big boobs because you’re fat.”

And it’s true. After a week of rehearsal, Justin Bieber brought his puny, effeminate Ken doll/Vanilla Ice lookin’ frame to Rockefeller Center for Saturday Night Live.

The monologue had me wishing Whoopi Goldberg, who made a cameo for Black History Month, had strangling-length dreads.

Here’s the issue. Justin didn’t try to be funny because he knows he doesn’t have to for his fans to say it was amazeballs. His mental and physical growth has been stunted by fame. Those vocals too. I mean, with that perma-cold, I could sing just as well.

Read more…

February 11, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Video: Fall Out Boy – “My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)”

Inactive since 2008, Fall Out Boy have reunited for a new syllable-heavy single, album and tour, starting with “My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up).”

“Beez In The Trap” rapper 2 Chainz makes a cameo in the video next to a bonfire full of FOB merch. There’s even a copy of their first “big” LP Take This To Your Grave in the flames. How symbolic.

Read more…

February 10, 2013 / Hallie Madenski

Chris Brown Uninjured and Unarrested After Crashing Into a Wall

Chris Brown crash 2013From the Frank Ocean fight to the speeding ticket to not doing his community service, these past few weeks have been amazing for everyone but Chris Brown and delusional Team Breezy.

Yesterday, according to the police and the paparazzi, Chris crashed into a wall completely of his own accord (or Porsche) on his way to a children’s dance competition.

Brown, whose body faired better than his car, claims he was chased into the wall by the paps (if that’s true, I’m sending them all flowers).

My problem is this – it’s the night of the Grammys and he still hasn’t been arrested or severely hurt. It seems everything he’s been up to is leading to that. Still, no Chris behind bars. No Big Bubba sodomy. Thanks a lot, universe.

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