Every Teardrop Is A Moment Listening To Coldplay


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So I’m sitting on my couch writing on my laptop at 2:15 a.m. and watching Fuse’s All Nighter show, which is distant compared to the clicking of keys but still prevalent, and all of a sudden guess what I hear? The devil’s voice! Seeping out of my TV like cheap toothpaste. And he’s not what you’d think, his voice is high-pitched, and by no means as commanding as you’d expect the devil’s voice to be.

Then I tune my ears in to his voice, and I feel him hypnotizing me with some horrendous new form of torture. And what is that new form of torture? The one where blood comes pouring from my ear canal, and there can never be enough tissues or towels or doctors to stop the painful endless surge of tissue that is escaping my hemorrhaging brain…

This new form of torture, it does have a name, it is called “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall.” Yes indeed. June 3rd was the date of its arrival above the volcanic heat inferno of Martin’s home, with his iconic barnyard goat servants, and captured slave wife Gwyneth Paltrow.

(The devil is a skinny British man in a pink shirt)

This atrocious video features the lyrics to “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall,” scrolling across cement walls and pavement, while Christina Martina McDevil strolls casually along the street, opening his/her mouth much too often, spewing Aramaic words of love propaganda and false rapture. Okay the Aramaic bit is untrue, but the rest? I wouldn’t dare joke about this.

Speaking of the lyrics to this song,

And all the kids they dance, all the kids all night (Possessed children)
until Monday morning feels another life (Only the devil enjoys Mondays)
I turn my music up (Will tampons fit in my ears?)
I’m on a roll this time (Towards most irritating band ever award)
And Heaven is in sight. (NO IT’S NOT, it’s been established)

AND

Maybe I’m in the black, maybe I’m on my knees (Sucking Coldplay fan cock)
Maybe I’m in the gap between the two trapezes (Circus reference? Confirmation.)
But my heart is beating and my pulses start  (Sounds like a Cialis overdose?)
Cathedrals in my heart (Do they have cathedrals THERE?)

As we saw, oh, this light  (That you stole from a human being )
I swear you emerge blinking into (music rape)
To tell me it’s alright (Noooo)

As we soar walls (Well duh, of course he can fly, what’s red and hoofed and sings in “Yellow?” CM)
Every siren is a symphony (Oh good? The music police are coming to arrest you for your crimes of overstaying your welcome on the airwaves, just as they did with Matchbox Twenty, several years ago)
And every tear’s a waterfall (EVERY tear is a moment listening to Coldplay)

2 thoughts on “Every Teardrop Is A Moment Listening To Coldplay

  1. EEEWWWIIIEEE!!!! COLDPLAY HATERS MAKE ME SICK!!!
    Besides, you are getting yourself mixed up Chris Martin. He is a gift from God, and you are opposing him.

    Like

    1. Omg hi its ur bestie! Thanks for standing up for my obsession with coldplay! Hey she is totally right Chris Martin is not the devil! He sings amazingly and I love him! Chill your butts and lay off my coldplay!

      Like

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