Google+ And Facebook Are Patronizing Me

A few days ago I unfolded my laptop and heard the pleasant purr of the startup. A familiar sound, one that calms me and doesn’t throw me out of whack like that damn black Google menu bar that was also added a few months ago.

Then I open my web browser, and see something very unfamiliar. A GIANT “PAINTED” BLUE ARROW ON GOOGLE? Flashing before my eyes, seeking attention like the source of Katy Perry’s back pain…

I did what I thought it wanted me to do – opened my Gmail account and messed around with my profile and settings for it to better integrate with Google+ but then I logged out and the arrow was still there! As Chris Crocker would say in his screeching girly tone, “Leave [insert your name here] Alone!”

You know what else is patronizing me? Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg and his company, Facebook, seem to think that they need to constantly add new features, in order to compete with Google Plus and other social networking sites.

Facebook has always been the capital of internet stalking, following in the once prominent footsteps of dear old decrepit Myspace. This week Facebook took stalking to a whole new level.

There’s the addition of a revamped FB News Feed and a “ticker” (should just called it the “Twitter”) which is a vertical sidebar. One that let you know what everyone is doing, such as adding new friends, posting creepy GPS locations, clicking “like,” or commenting on other people’s shit.

There’s also “top news” and then your regular feed below it. “Top news” aka “top stories” was added to help users see interesting posts (people you interact with most/things that got a lot of comments) that they may have missed while they were logged off. It is followed by “recent stories.”

Now Facebook looks even more like a cluster-fuck of people’s half-assed updates/attempts at humor, plus pictures of them at raves or smiling at webcams with potentially photoshopped teeth.

All I have to say is, technology needs to calm the fuck down. Stop trying to be SOMETHING. You’re already Google and Facebook, you’ve both got it made, no need for change. It’s so desperate and unnecessary, like when Latoya Jackson posed for Playboy.

Zuckerberg plans even more changes for Facebook such as “timeline,” a scrapbook style update, which he explained to the press yesterday:

“Timeline is the story of your life. All your stories, all your apps, in a new way to express who you are. It’s a great way to discover all the stuff that people have done their whole life.”

Oh my god. Please stop. Since when is Facebook a representation of a person’s “whole life?”

[Hmmm maybe Google should just look like this constantly. An endless array of blue arrows]

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