Jessica Simpson Is Lardy, Gassy And ‘Spiritual’

Note to all future mothers: having a child does not mature you, nor does it change your state of mind. For instance, motherhood has not made Jessica Simpson any smarter or more appropriate.

She’s still the same bubbly dimwit that we all love, for the simple fact that she makes us feel like Pulitzer Prize-winners. Lately, Jessica has been Tweeting hints about her farty ways but also telling the truth, like to People Magazine, about how people always lie and tell pregnant women they’re beautiful,

“People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. I think they just tell pregnant women they’re glowing to make them feel good about themselves.”

J-Simp calls pregnancy “a spiritual thing” because she’s creating a life. Ohhh girl, there must be A LOT of spiritual people out there. No wonder those Teen Moms from MTV are always visiting the Dalai Lama. And Octomom, there’s a painting of her on the ceiling of the Vatican, right?

Other things I’ve learned about her? Her lardy parasite baby bump is bigger than her lardy made-her-father-proud tittays AND she makes her husband touch all that, “When I’m tired, I make Eric rub me, Eric is very, very supportive.”

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