Jesus, Mario Lopez, Just Be My Gay Best Friend Already

It’s a bold statement, me saying that Mario Lopez isn’t gay when you’re looking at a picture of him covered in paint, posing in booty shorts and expressing himself with his hands…

He’s just one of those guys, like Ryan Seacrest, or Eli Roth. You’re convinced they’re gay, but there’s a lot of evidence to the contrary.

The underwear line he’s working for in this picture is called “Muchachomalo” and he says it’s “masculine with an edge.” An edge of estrogen, maybe.

I just imagine Mario and I prancing around the nude beach we have here (Rooster Rock, you can guess its nickname), me fully clothed and him in his gold paint, looking for a potential top to his plastic-covered bottom. 

Snooki says every girl should have a gay best friend named Joey, but I disagree…
Every woman should have a straight friend who seems gay, named Mario. Sadly he belongs to Eva Longoria and I am jealous and plotting to kidnap him with a butterfly net.

What do you think?

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