Miley Cyrus as Nicki Minaj? Worst Halloween present ever, right? It’s not my fault. I know what today is really about, and so do you.
It’s about Diabetes, whores wearing angel wings, pumpkin seeds, parties where the sluttiest angel wing-wearing whore is awarded a cash prize, horror movies, and celebrities dressed like other celebrities. That’s it, right?
As a child I enjoyed squirting fake ink at strangers and dipping my bacteria-ridden hands into plastic pumpkins full of miniature Kit Kats held out by neighbors who wished they could get their $10 spent on chocolate back for a cheap bottle of whiskey.
Some wretches in the town I grew up would hand out raisins and quarters. If you’re cheapskate/health-conscious Michelle Obama-type who’s considering doing the same, I want you to personally know that people who hand out dried fruit and couch coins go to hell.
I know because I was born on Día de los Muertos and have a special connection with satan and his homies. Adulthood is my time to do all I can to not draw attention to myself, though I do like drawing attention to others.
You know, it’s like throwing an invisible stick to a dog. They always go for it. Look that way –>;