Be Prepared To Shamefully Show Your ID When Buying Kombucha

Kombucha manufacturers were forced to pull their products from store shelves in 2010 after the government began investigating the alcohol content to see if it contained more than 0.5% and needed to be sold to over 21s.

Many speculated that Lindsay Lohan was to blame (isn’t she always) because she complained that the drink had set off her ankle monitor.

It’s all very sad and humorous because Kombucha is basically just liquified, non-hallucinogenic mushrooms. Most of the people who drink it (besides Lindsay and I) are certifiable hippies who collect feathers and skulls and won’t leave the house without a basket full of yarn and Tom’s of Maine products. 

I promise, NO ONE is falling off their bicycle or crashing their Prius into Voodoo Doughnuts because they went on a goddamn Kombucha bender.

You’d have to shotgun seven of them in 20 minutes to even feel a minor buzz.

They used to only sell it at stores that specialized in organic foods, but now that it’s in Safeway and Albertson’s I’ve noticed an actual “Must be 21 or older to purchase” label on the damn thing and I’m pissed because clerks are already looking for any excuse to card my doofy, underage looking ass.

Just a note to kids looking to get drunk – cough syrup is a much better option. Or mouthwash. And never be afraid to put a marker or a stick of glue from the 70’s near your nose.

[The guy who founded GT’s Kombucha doesn’t even look old enough to legally sample his own booch]