British men who aren’t Robert Pattinson voted Kristen Stewart the “least sexy actress” in Hollywood along with Lindsay Lohan, Uma Thurman, Sarah Jessica Parker and other unfortunate souls.
I’ve always thought Kristen Stewart was sexy in that dirty-pile-of-laundry, hang-you-from-the-ceiling-and-whip-you-with-butt-plugs type of way.
But clearly I’m not a man from England and my opinion is more meaningless than MenKind’s list.
1. Kristen Stewart
It’s not hard to find good photos of Kristen Stewart, it’s just hard to present them to anyone because they will almost always be unfairly greeted by the sound of vomiting and anaphylactic shock.
2. Sarah Jessica Parker
SJP is consistently featured on every list of non-beautiful women including Maxim’s unsexiest list alongside “cold” and “boyish” Sandra Oh and “rat’s nest mane” Amy Winehouse, but again, I disagree.
Yes, she’s more “cute” than “sexy” and generally adored by the 70% of women that enjoy Sex and the City and hated by the 89% of men who don’t. It’s still sad that foot face’s genuinely sweet overall look and personality is overshadowed by a relatable chin wart and spider veins.
Meanwhile, Harrison Ford’s chin scar is featured on the most sexy disfigurements list.
3. Lindsay Lohan
Over the years, Lindsay Lohan’s appearance has struggled little with waving at the disintegrating, side-by-side metaphorical train of her career.
The bee-stung cheeks, the blonde hair that seems to multiply the freckles that become increasingly less adorable with self-tanner and age…
Exercise and less of mom’s cocaine might help, though I think the Marlboros she keeps in her bellybutton would haunt her long after she shook the stench of Hollywood failure and handcuff burns.
4. Denise Richards
Denise Richards, 42 and semi-retired from acting. Not exactly bringing sexy forward, but she’s probably too busy taking care of her adopted kid, the kids she had with Charlie Sheen, and the kids Charlie Sheen had with Brooke Mueller to care.
5. Kirsten Dunst
Kirsten once said that she loved her “snaggle fangs” because they give her character (and character is sexy). I just have a problem separating actresses like her, Dakota Fanning and the Olsens from their early work as child stars. Dunst for instance, will always be a dimple-having, curly-haired Shirley Temple-lookin’ baby to me.
If you really think she’s that bad at everything, I suggest watching How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, or Bachelorette.
6. Mischa Barton
The public seemed to turn their backs all the way on Mischa when she decided she was too big for The O.C., and asked the producers to kill her character, Marissa Cooper, off the show so she could pursue her movie career.
It was kind of like, playing in the NBA too soon after high school. Barton suffered insults about her weight gain and “meth face” as she watched the Leighton Meester to her Blake Lively, Rachel Bilson, fare well with Jumper and her own show, Hart of Dixie.
7. Hilary Swank
I want to ask you a serious question, relating to Denise Richards, Sarah Jessica Parker and Hilary Swank. When you see a mare sitting in a field, swatting itself with a long luscious mane of hair envied by Paul Mitchell himself, what do you think?
You think, “My, what a glorious creature.” Not, “Whoa, that is one ugly hoe.” It’s not a sexy feeling (unless you’re one of those), but it’s not the “least sexy” either. BOYCOTT BURGER KING.
8. Lucy Liu
A toothy MenKind spokesperson said that these women are being rated on “far more than appearance,” and that must totally not come into play in the case of Lucy Liu, because look at her. She breaks mirrors like Honey Boo Boo breaks Kit Kats.
No REALLY. Why is Lucy Liu on this list?? Is it the rumors that she’s hard to work with? Do heterosexual men care that she didn’t get along with Bill Murray on the set of Charlie’s Angels?? André 3000 must not have heard.
9. Tilda Swinton
We do not mock androgynous gingers.
We give them Oscars and hope they don’t beam us into a black hole with their eyes.
10. Uma Thurman
Because faces that aren’t symmetrical belong to people who should have been aborted, right? I mean, 90% of runway models have a wonky eye or an offset, slightly elongated nose. Is it not the imperfections that make us beautiful? Why do Brits hate Kill Bill so much?
F*ck. I’m surprised David Carradine, Daryl Hannah and Quentin Tarantino were left out.
Dude who hit it anyway: Ethan Hawke.