James Franco’s Birthday Cake Hurts Me All Over

James Franco birthday cake James Franco turned 35 on April 19. This is his completely unappetizing birthday cake.

It’s adorned with a sickly grey dildo, anal beads, a ball gag, and tasseled leather whip.

Franco said little about it on WhoSay besides that it was presented to him in Miami. Not a word about what it tasted like (cherry-flavored earthworms?) or why it was given to him and not Ian Somerhalder or whoever’s rumored to play Christian Grey this week.

I’m looking at this cake with my eyes, and it’s hurting other parts of my body, including my stomach.

The beads look like a child at an impoverished art school’s attempt to sculpt the hungry hungry caterpillar, the gag makes me think of Pulp Fiction and the strap-on looks like congealed seal skin.

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