I KISSED A DOUCHE AND I LIKED IT: Russell Brand Asked Katy Perry For a Divorce Via Text

katy perry and russellIn the new issue of Vogue, Katy Perry admits that her previous boyfriends were very intelligent but had more irreversible problems than abused shelter dogs. Her husband of just over a year, Russell Brand, divorced her in a text message, and it wasn’t until she learned the “real truth” that she was able to move on and date fellow jerkbag John Mayer.

“I felt a lot of responsibility for it ending, but then I found out the real truth, which I can’t necessarily disclose because I keep it locked in my safe for a rainy day,” Perry said. “I let go and I was like: This isn’t because of me; this is beyond me. So I have moved on from that.”

Katy needs to move to Oregon where it always rains and tell us what the hell she’s got on Russell.

I want to say it absolutely has to do with drugs or sex, but I guess it’d be more shocking to find out that he collects commemorative MLK stamps or eats cake out of the trash.

Speaking of things that leave a bad taste, Perry still totally loves John Mayer…

All I can say about that relationship is that he’s got a beautiful mind. Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds.

Well. In the words of Michael Jackson, “You are not alone.” It’s not like Taylor Swift, Rihanna and a handful of girls we all know in real life don’t have the same issue.

My advice is always to date against your instincts. Like if you’re unsure about a guy because he doesn’t talk about Snapchat or ask you for a threesome on the first date, he’s probably a winner.

I don’t care if he’s a blind, crack-addicted gimp with a micropenis. He’s still better than the last dude.

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