Tori Spelling’s Sex Tape Will Never Be Seen (Because There is a God?)

Some PEOPLE hate Tori Spelling for being the perfect mix between a goldfish and a horse, but not me. I hate, no, “dislike” Tori because she’s always managed to keep a fraction of herself in the spotlight even though she’s lacking in the… everything department. Daddy gave her a free ride, life skipped the lemons and handed her lemonade, etc.

Beauty is not exactly a talent, but if it was, it would certainly not be in Tori Spelling’s possession, and she never developed a good personality despite never having to hire a bodyguard to keep strangers from groping her ass (like Kim Kardashian).

She is neither beautiful nor talented, and the recent news of her sex tape alarmed me until I learned that it would [probably] never see the light of day. From Radar Online:

Spelling and McDermott made the tape on Valentine’s Day 2009, she writes in her new bookSpelling It Like It Is

“Dean and I had a romantic Valentine’s night,” she writes. “Dean said, ‘We should tape ourselves having sex.’ He had a little portable tripod, and he set up his video camera on it.”

“Afterward, I checked my angles and they were good so I allowed him to keep it,” she reveals. “He uploaded it to our computer at home … without password protection.”

And there it stayed, undisturbed for roughly two years, before one of McDermott’s “so-called friends got his dirty paws on it,” Spelling writes.

I scoffed and was like, “who would pay for such a thing,” but then I remembered that she’s famous, and of course somebody, specifically Vivid Entertainment’s Steve Hirsch, wants it.

Spelling wrote in her book that the incident “went away” after her and her equally useless husband sent the friend a letter threatening to sue.

Maybe she will take the offer from Vivid. (Why else would she even bring the tape up?) Maybe there is no God. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I refuse to think about Tori’s flapping fajita for another second.

Read: ‘Accidental’ Tori Spelling Knockers Via Twitter (NSFW)

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