What sentence most naturally comes after “Dennis Rodman sang happy birthday to Kim Jong Un” and “Dennis Rodman yelled at Chris Cuomo”? “Dennis Rodman is in rehab,” of course!
Rodman’s rep confirmed the news yesterday in a statement that his client’s recent trip to North Korea left him in “pretty rough shape,” citing the pressure put on him to be a “combination ‘super human’ political figure and ‘fixer.'”
But honestly, who decided that Carmen Electra’s basketball-playing ex was the man for that job? Did he see Jesus at the bottom of a whiskey bottle and hear “Dennniiissss, solve the conflict between America and upper Korea and you might still get into heaven to see your idol and spirit animal, Liberace.”
Is this whiskey Jesus’ fault? NO. Dennis Rodman doesn’t need rehab, he needs to stay off CNN, fire his publicist and stop buying clothes from plus-sized African women at the Saturday Market.
Kim Jong Un IS going to get tired of you and feed you to the Sarlacc Pit Monster.