Amanda Bynes is Still Crazy and High as F*ck, Apparently

Amanda Bynes band aid faceAmanda Bynes is back at it! NY Daily News and TMZ have a video of Bynes doing a bizarre dance in front of her driver at a snooty clothing store on Wednesday before moving on to another snooty clothing store (Barney’s) to get a five-finger discount on a hat.

I repeat, “bizarre dance in front of her DRIVER,” which means she’s moved on from DUIs to petty theft!

Reports suggest that Amanda’s love for weed is to blame, as she was kicked out of fashion school for laughing out loud for no reason and was also seen “visibly high” and “painting her face with excessive amounts of makeup” at a restaurant. She also talks to trees.  Continue reading “Amanda Bynes is Still Crazy and High as F*ck, Apparently”

Nick Hogan is the First Male ‘Celebrity’ in iCloud Hack

Nick Hogan hacked icloudNick Hogan – a guy famous for a dad in spandex, a bikini-clad sister and boy-chasing mom – is the latest victim of the celebrity iCloud hack that Jennifer Lawrence, Rihanna and Kim Kardashian fell prey to.

You’d really think the male counterparts to those names would be something more like, I dunno, Joe Manganiello, Jason Momoa, Vin Diesel, Taylor Lautner… maybe Nick Jonas (and his pepperoni nipples). But instead we get the spray tan kid, d-listing it up.

Definitely not the last person I’d expect to have their junk leaked though.

 

 

 

 

 

Turns Out, Uneducated Pervs DIDN’T Try to Ruin Emma Watson’s Awesome Speech On Feminism

You may have heard about Emma Watson’s extremely insightful and empowering speech to the U.N., which was about equality and feminism being one and the same.

You ALSO may have heard that a bunch of trolls threatened to leak naked pictures of Watson to somehow make her seem like less of a feminist.

The people behind the countdown to Watson’s nude leak were actually a marketing group hired to shut down 4Chan and end the constant invasion of privacy from the hackers behind the Jennifer Lawrence scandal.  Continue reading “Turns Out, Uneducated Pervs DIDN’T Try to Ruin Emma Watson’s Awesome Speech On Feminism”

Jennifer Lawrence’s Legal Team, Like All Legal Teams, Are Total Assholes

So I got an email today from Jennifer Lawrence’s lawyer and I also stepped in poop. The poop thing is obviously much worse, but not really a story.

The email stated that I need to remove a completely censored image of Jennifer, one of the many from her widespread hacked nude photo scandal and also my entire article.

Let me just say that, like my fat cat Raisin (the one whose poop I stepped in), her lawyers are sweet but also completely misguided and derpy. Believing they can actually stop the photos from being shared and seen leads me to believe that – also like Raisin – THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE INTERNET WORKS.  Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence’s Legal Team, Like All Legal Teams, Are Total Assholes”

Meet Hefe Wine, the Man Behind the Alleged Iggy Azalea Sex Tape…

Hefe wine iggy azalea exThe only people who have seen Iggy Azalea’s sex tape at this point seem to be the “businessmen” over at Vivid Entertainment, who think the tape could actually be worth millions of dollars, possibly even more than saucer-eyed knob-polishers Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

The only people BESIDES of course Iggy herself and her co-star, former boyfriend and manager combo Hefe Wine.

Azalea is busy denying the tape’s existence while her lawyers are busy telling TMZ that it was filmed “without her knowledge or consent” and Hefe is busy pretending like he had nothing to do with it ending up at Vivid.

There’s also word that Iggy – known back then as Amethyst Amelia Kelly – may have accidentally signed over the rights to it to the douchey ex. (Which is bullsh*t, because the contract only related to music and music-related videos.Continue reading “Meet Hefe Wine, the Man Behind the Alleged Iggy Azalea Sex Tape…”

Robin Thicke’s Recollection of ‘Blurred Lines’ is, Well, Pretty F*cking Blurry

Robin Thicke, the man famous for putting naked girls in a music video and grabbing butts other than his wife’s recently admitted that he was drunk and high on pills when his biggest song, “Blurred Lines” was being born in the studio. Also, he didn’t write it, but took credit anyway.

“I was high on vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio,” Thicke said during a court deposition deciding whether “Blurred Lines” is a white copy of a Marvin Gaye song. “I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

Continue reading “Robin Thicke’s Recollection of ‘Blurred Lines’ is, Well, Pretty F*cking Blurry”

Boy Bander Calum Hood Pulls a Pete Wentz, Shows the World His No No Square

Calum HoodI was as baffled as any of you by the appearance of boy band 5 Seconds of Summer at the MTV Video Music Awards last Sunday, but now the unknown Australian singers of “She Looks So Perfect” have their very own Kim Kardashian/Paris Hilton errr Pete Wentz?

18-year-old bassist Calum Hood’s junk appeared on Vine today after he Snapchatted a video of it to some girl. Turns out MTV was sort of right, the next big thing isn’t crappy pop dudes with minimal talent  like 5SOS and Emblem3, it’s accidental-on-purpose nudity. Thanks, Farrah Abraham!

Check out his super casual response for confirmation…

Congrats, your 5 seconds of summer fame has been extended at least another 60 seconds. And he’s the least unfortunate looking of the four guys, which really isn’t saying much.

Soon “Calum Hood” will just be another word for penis on Urban Dictionary.  Continue reading “Boy Bander Calum Hood Pulls a Pete Wentz, Shows the World His No No Square”

The Next Time Your Parents Disapprove of Your Piercings, Show Them This…

huge cheek gauges Are you a young person whose parents are on the fence about you getting some measly bellybutton or industrial piercing? I think I may have a solution. Show them a picture of this German guy with 36mm cheek gauges

There’s a chance they’ll think whatever you want is just a gateway piercing to having your teeth show through the side of your face like post-burn Harvey Dent, but it’s worth a shot.

23-year-old Joel Miggler can stick his tongue out the holes and blow mass amounts of smoke out of them, looking very much like a human gas mask. I’m also pretty sure that at least 20% of the food he puts in his mouth falls right back out.

 

Nicki Minaj’s Feud With Iggy Azalea is Nonexistent

Iggy Azalea Nicki Minaj crazy facesGiant white Australian ass vs. giant New York ass, also known as up-and-comer Iggy Azalea vs. Nicki Minaj, is not a thing. After that phantom conglomerate we call the internet automatically assumed the parts of Minaj’s BET Awards speech about authenticity and songwriting were aimed at fellow Best Female Hip-Hop Artist Nominee Azalea, Minaj took to Twitter to clarify that her words were actually not directed at anyone in particular.

According to her, we put the shade in her hand and threw it for her / on a beef scale of 1 to 10, this is a turkey sub.  Continue reading “Nicki Minaj’s Feud With Iggy Azalea is Nonexistent”

Hope Solo Pleads ‘Not Guilty’ to Charges of Beating Up Insubordinate Nephew

hope solo court 2014U.S. Goalkeeper Hope Solo/unofficial 9th cast member of Jersey Shore is in the news for attacking her 17-year-old nephew. She reportedly called him a “p*ssy,” pulled his hair and punched him.

The nephew retaliated in typical teenage fashion, by stepping up the name-calling to “c*nt,” pointing a BB gun at her and hitting her in the head with the broom she flew in on.

An apparently drunk Solo began attacking her own sister once the boy called the police, leaving “visible injuries.” TMZ has a recording of the kid in the process of fending off his “psychotic” auntie  Ho Ho, who has already plead not guilty to assault.  Continue reading “Hope Solo Pleads ‘Not Guilty’ to Charges of Beating Up Insubordinate Nephew”

The Couple Who Stole Miley Cyrus’ Maserati Will Likely Have a Movie Made About Them

couple who stole miley's car The pair of miscreants thought to have stolen Miley Cyrus’ brand new Maserati are a young couple, and not just any couple, an ATTRACTIVE one, so they’re obviously a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde who deserve their own feature-length film ala The Bling Ring, but I’m sure they’d settle for something on Lifetime starring Brooke Hogan and Aaron Carter.

Tylor Scott, 19, and his skinny jeans are already famous, but what about his girlfriend, vegan fitness model Naomi Charles? In April she tweeted “I wish I was Miley Cyrus,” so I imagine she was the instigator, getting drunk one night off low-calorie, honey-flavored vodka in yoga pants while playing GTA 5 and yelling “BABE! Let’s go to Miley’s house!”

If you’re not aware of our exact fascination with “attractive” criminals, check out this list of hot female teachers who kinda sorta molested their students. And this other one of bangable serial killers.   Continue reading “The Couple Who Stole Miley Cyrus’ Maserati Will Likely Have a Movie Made About Them”

Little Justin Bieber LOVED Using the N-Word

racist justin bieber video stillWe the blissfully ignorant public have recently learned that between at least the ages of 14 and 15, Justin Bieber had a VERY strong affinity for the n-word…

In two separate videos obtained by TMZ and The Sun, we see a young chuckling Biebs telling a black joke involving a chainsaw and singing the popular church hymn “One Less Lonely N*gger.”

Literally, if I could dip into Justin Bieber’s swear jar I COULD AFFORD TO HIRE AN ASSASSIN TO KILL JUSTIN BIEBER and still be richer than my friends.  Continue reading “Little Justin Bieber LOVED Using the N-Word”

Is it Possible to Over-Apologize For Using a Gay Slur? Jonah Hill Points to Yes

Jonah Hill the tonight show 2014Jonah Hill apologized on both Howard Stern and The Tonight Show for calling a photographer who was following him around a f*ggot within one day of the news breaking.

He honestly seems to feel bad enough without any help from us, and will probably continue to beat the dead horse-shaped piñata of shame for another week.

Hill has made a few strange comments during his lengthy apologies, like “I didn’t mean it in a homophobic way” and “I’m leaving here to go to spend the day with one of my closest co-workers and best friend, who is gay.”

Two of the most cliché excuses for throwing around the other f-bomb and the n-word too. I have a gay/black friend, and I didn’t mean it that way.  Continue reading “Is it Possible to Over-Apologize For Using a Gay Slur? Jonah Hill Points to Yes”

Coke Turns to Demon Puke When You Boil it

You’ve probably heard the urban legend about mixing Pop Rocks and Coke, and that Pepsi is so acidic it can be used to remove rust and super-caked on grime on items that probably belong in the trash (since you’re considering dumping soda on them), but you’ve probably never wondered or seen what happens to Coca-Cola when you boil it for a few minutes.

YouTube user CrazyRussianHacker, known for videos of college-friendly “Life Hacks” like beer-stacking and Cheeto-eating techniques, showed us what a pot containing two 16 oz. bottles of Coke looks like after being on a stove top, and it’s pretty gross.  Continue reading “Coke Turns to Demon Puke When You Boil it”

‘Maleficent’ is a Sword in the Heart of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Fans Everywhere

Maleficent new and old
Maleficent did mighty well at the box office, resulting in Angelina Jolie’s biggest opening weekend that trumped Tomb Raider and Wanted by millions, but many fans of Disney’s original Sleeping Beauty are calling it disappointing and a little anti-feminist.

The discussion on where Maleficent went wrong seems to always begin with the villain not being nearly as evil as we remember: from her strange, distant interactions with Princess Aurora, the botched story of how she lost her wings and turned evil goth solely because of a man, and the fact that she never f*cking turns into a dragon.

Via i09’s “How Could Disney Do This To Maleficent“:

She doesn’t really build any sort of personality; instead all we see is a woman who is reacting to a slew of terrible things her former lover inflicts on her. It just seems like she’s running around, coming up with all of these ideas as they hit her. Her go-to move is to zap people into unconscious human balloons, which she then manipulates around in the air.

The article’s author, Meredith Woerner says the film spends way too much time on Aurora and not her wicked fairy godmother, and that the retelling of the story depicts Maleficent as a mentally weak woman who makes rash decisions because Aurora’s father, King Stefan, “drugged and violated her.” Continue reading “‘Maleficent’ is a Sword in the Heart of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Fans Everywhere”

Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at the Los Angeles premiere of Maleficent (which is, let’s face it, Snow White and the Huntsman with a different cast) and his real-life evil wife did nothing to stop it.

Angelina Jolie was reportedly “busy signing autographs in another section” when the attacker jumped over a barrier and lunged at Pitt, but I believe she hired the man to punch her husband so other women would find him less desirable even though most of us haven’t desired him since Troy. (Ten years ago? Eek, I feel old.)

The assailant is notorious prankster Vitalii Sediuk, the very same who kissed Will Smith at the Men in Black III premiere and stole Adele’s award at the 2013 Grammys.

 
Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is rejoicing…  Continue reading “Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted”