Disney Beaches Reopened, Still Just As Infested With Gators

disney world alligator signThe beach alongside the Disney World lagoon where a young boy was drowned by an alligator has reopened with “heightened security,” including a before-sunset curfew and signs that read “You should have gone to California instead.”

Justtt kidding. The signs actually say, “Danger! Alligators and snakes in area. Stay away from the water. Do not feed the wildlife.”

Safety precautions or not, you couldn’t pay me to visit, because Florida is home to an estimated 1.5 million alligators and just as many venomous spiders and snakes. It’s also hot, crowded and full of young people that are way better looking than you and old people who are so close to death you don’t know if they’re talking to you or an invisible deceased relative in the corner.

Let me tell you a story.

I grew up near this golf course that was constantly flooding and full of red-winged blackbirds. People like my mom and all our hippie dippy friends were always trying to get the forest service to buy the land and just let it be what it was meant to be, but it never happened.

The entire state of Florida is the equivalent of that golf course, a giant natural wetland that we — a bunch of stupid humans — couldn’t resist building on. Except instead of harmless chirping blackbirds and cattails, they have gigantic teeth-gnashing reptiles that eat children. We have no right to be mad at anyone but ourselves because we displaced them, not the other way around.

Speaking of the macabre and unnecessary, a reported 240 alligators have been slaughtered by Fish and Wildlife in the past 10 years around The Most Magical Place On Earth. The commission, which is currently sold out of Statewide Alligator Harvest Program permits, also wants us to feel better now that they’re “confident” they killed the very same alligator that devoured 2-year-old Lane Graves on June 16.

No! Alligators are like grey pubic hairs. You pull one out, and three more come to the funeral and ruin your plans. The solution is to drug and blindfold all the Floridians and ship them to Arizona (it’ll be days before they even notice).

Excuse me, all Floridians except the Trump supporters.

Build a giant wall on the Southern borders of Alabama and Georgia, and let the scaly, bloodthirsty creatures have the state of Florida.

 

Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week

drunk-girls-puppies-buzzfeedWhat makes women more emotional, adorable puppies or alcohol?

In a pointlessly entertaining experiment, BuzzFeed gave six ladies on their staff booze and then surprised them with a bunch of super adorable, good-smelling baby animals of the canine persuasion.

Upon seeing the dogs, the intoxicated women proceeded to scream, smile, cry and occasionally say profound things like, “I shouldn’t have drank whiskey, I can’t protect them.”

“I had such a hard Friday,” “I can’t take it” and “Wait, is this really happening?” were some of the girls’ other top reactions heard over the barely audible whimpers of the puppies who, by the way, are all available for adoption via Fur Baby Rescue.  Continue reading “Drunk Women Being Bombarded With Oodles Of Puppies Will Make Your Week”

Marilyn Manson is a Reclusive Cat Lady

Marilyn Manson loves catsIn a New York Times profile on Marilyn Manson’s “phoenix rising” music and acting career, we learn details so mundane they’re actually startling.

Firstly, Manson gave up the drink he mentioned in pretty much every interview prior to this one (absinthe) to get in better shape, and was inspired to do so by Charlie Hunnam from Sons of Anarchy. 

He’s also best friends with Johnny Depp, enjoys Sisqo’s “The Thong Song” and loves his cat Lily more than anything in this world.

Otherwise, Marilyn Manson is a bit of a homebody, preferring to watch TV and movies or paint. His dearest companion is his 11-year-old danderless cat, Lily White. “She is definitely the one true center of my universe,” he said, scrolling through photos of her on his phone. “It’s the closest thing, I guess, to having a child.”

Enjoy this picture of Michael C. Hall rescuing a cat from a roof and imagine fellow unexpected cat ladies Snooki, Manson and Russell Brand there lending a hand.

Dog-Like Cat Jumps 5 Feet to Greet Owner

deployed soldier catIn the most suspenseful video of 2014, a meowing cat impatiently waits for his soldier owner to arrive after being deployed for months.

The viewer takes on some of the cat’s anxiety, as it feels like it takes FOREVER for the door to open and the dude to walk in, set down a box, and catch the cat in the air as he leaps into his arms. So cute.

I relate to this. The last time I was downtown I did the same thing to a stranger but that was mostly because they had a cheese blintz in their hand. Begging them to adopt me and let me live in their pool house was probably mistake, but I don’t regret stealing the blintz.  Continue reading “Dog-Like Cat Jumps 5 Feet to Greet Owner”

Uh, My Cat Looks Like Slender Man

cat looks like slenderman So I was playing video games the other day, not paying much attention to my surroundings and I glance to my left randomly and see this freakish pale-faced figure peering at me through the blinds. It’s a good thing I was already wearing an adult diaper because I was terrified and thought Slender Man was visiting my room to punish me for wondering how anyone could believe in or fear a malnourished half-human, half-octopus man in a suit.

Not at all making light of the children who recently stabbed their friends and family in the name of this urban legend, but is the resemblance to Slender Man and my cat not uncanny?

She’ll totally lure you onto the sofa, hypnotize you into petting her and then pierce random parts of your body with razor-sharp teeth at unexpected moments.  Continue reading “Uh, My Cat Looks Like Slender Man”

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure rudely interrupted

race for the cure seattle 2014During the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure it started to rain, but not the beautiful rain you love to run around in… Instead, it rained cat feces, cat litter, chicken breasts and a green liquid (Nickelodeon slime?). As it turns out, a lady from the fifth floor apartment that the race was going on by was the cause of the cat poop-throwing rage.

The police say that the women was so angry about the noise the race for cancer was making that she flung cat feces and frozen chicken parts. (Kind like angry birds but with cat poop and chicken.)

On Sunday morning, officers reported seeing a “hail of garbage” fall from a fifth story apartment in downtown Seattle.  Continue reading “Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure rudely interrupted”

Video: Die Antwoord – “Pitbull Terrier”

In honor of habitual weirdos Die Antwoord’s new album, Donker Mag with titles like “Raging Zef Boner,”  “Don’t Fuk Me,” “Sex,” “Girl I Want 2 Eat U,” and “Happy Go Sucky Fucky” – dropping today, here’s a Reddit list of  pre-Antwoord music by Ninja.

Also, a link to an interview explaining how Yolandi’s pet rats “raped” each other multiplied like crazy on the set of the “Evil Boy” video. And a Gaga drag queen being eaten by a lion.
 
“Pitbull Terrier” (no relation to J-Lo’s Pitbull) features more animal-centric freakiness involving blood spatter, people dressed as cats and dogs, and a real rat dressed as nothing.

A cat that wants to fight crime or thinks his owner needs to relax?

cat smoking weedSo an interesting thing happened last Sunday in New Zealand. A cat brings a bag of about five grams of weed home. The owner of the cat then called the cops to report the incident. Now police are conducting further investigation to see where the drugs originated.

Numerous scenarios cross my mind wondering how and why this cat acquired the bag of weed. Was this cat a superhero, fighting crime and doing his part to clean up the streets? Is there a drug dealer somewhere with claw and bite marks all over his face claiming to have been attacked by a cat wearing a mask and cape? Or maybe the cat was fed up with his cranky hormonal owner and just wanted her to relax.

In either case it seems as though cats are really trying to make a comeback. Like the feline, Tara, who saved a boy from being attacked by a dog…  Continue reading “A cat that wants to fight crime or thinks his owner needs to relax?”

Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins

russian attack dolphinsNow that former Ukraine president Viktor Yanukovich is gone, the two countries are going through a nasty falling out, with macho Russian prez Putin taking back a fleet of war ships and now battle dolphins.

True story. Back in the ’60s, when Ukraine and Russia were one big Soviet family, the military began training dolphins as a means of defense in a top-secret division of the navy that was “restarted a few years ago” according to ABC.com.

The highly intelligent mammals (along with sea lions, apparently) were recruited for tasks such as “patrolling open waters with detection devices,” “defending against mines and enemy divers” (operation non-human shield?), and “attack missions.”  Continue reading “Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins”

Boat Full of Diseased Rats Headed for the UK

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News of an abandoned cruise ship full of nothing but infected rats hit the web today.

After letting Bieber out of its sight, Canada is at strike two for doing nothing about the ghost ship full of hundreds of rats, who have “been eating each other to survive,” according to The Independent.

The diseased cannibal rats are currently sitting on a boat that was originally built in Yugoslavia in the mid-’70s for sightseeing cruises to remote, icy locations is now headed straight for the UK, you know, because Canadians are secretly cruel and want to remind England of all the sickly grey bodies that piled high in the streets during the rodent-spread plague of the 14th century.  Continue reading “Boat Full of Diseased Rats Headed for the UK”

Merry Christmas! Here’s a Cat Dressed as Santa…

cat dressed as santaErm, I just wanted to wish you all a merry Christmas and remind you that I am a crazy cat lady who still adores all 3 of her fans (mom and brother + one friend?) with this photo of a feline Santa, beard and all.

And because I’m random as all hell and think you’re all psychologically disturbed for tricking innocent kids, here’s a wonderful article about a distressed mother being totally dishonest after her children discovered presents in the attic and nearly stopped believing in Santa.

Best excerpt, via The New York Times:

In addition to being a mom, I am a behavioral neuroscientist, a professor and a generally serious-minded, reality-based person. So what in the world had I just done? Why did I invent this incredible story in a desperate bid to protect my daughters’ belief in Santa, instead of seizing it as a teachable moment to tell them the truth?

Your milk is sour and your cookies taste like lies! Love, a Grinch who is far too lazy to steal trees.

Dog Takes Bikini-Clad Mariah Carey Out For a Walk

Mariah Carey bikini snowMariah Carey is in Aspen for Christmas and is fulfilling the ancient Anglo-Saxon tradition of walking one’s dog in just a bikini during snowy, 20-degree weather.

No seriously, this is a tradition. Instagram says so. America’s Got Talent is over, but I guess Nick Cannon found some other excuse to not pose next to her in a thin red banana hammock. We all know Mariah’s second-favorite thing after Christmas is shaming her husband.

She went so far as to call herself the female version of Will Ferrell’s character in Elf on Watch What Happens Live!

“I’m him, but the girl version of the character!” the “All I Want for Christmas Is You” singer said. “I’m like a five-year-old, I’m the kid still waiting for snow.”  Continue reading “Dog Takes Bikini-Clad Mariah Carey Out For a Walk”

Rihanna Gets Fierce in African Penguin Exhibit

Rihanna penguins Leave it to Rihanna to jump into the penguin cage at an aquarium during a trip to South Africa like she’s on America’s Next Top Model.

Penguins be like, why u steal muh thunder, giant?

She did acknowledge the resemblance on her Instagram account, writing “Bitch stole my look” as a caption.

I know I haven’t talked about her since the 777 disaster, concert tardiness, and great boat a$$ incident of July, but I’m still harboring a lot of hatred over her never coming to Portland.

CLICK HERE for RiRi’s completely average and moderately sexy “Pour It Up” music video.

‘Game of Thrones’ Direwolf Lives With Actress Who Plays Sansa Stark

Sophie turner adopted direwolf In your daily “awww,” the dog actress (is there still not a less informal word for that?) who played Lady on Game of Thrones was adopted in real life by Sophie Turner, aka the actress who plays Sansa Stark.

“Growing up I always wanted a dog, but my parents never wanted one,” Turner told The Coventry Telegraph of the gorgeous Mahlek Northern Inuit Dog she was introduced to three years ago. “We kind of fell in love with my character’s dire wolf, Lady, on set. We knew Lady died and they wanted to re-home her.”

I wish I had enough space to “re-home” all the animals I’ve mourned in film and TV, but I only mean that if Mufasa counts. And the octopus from Oldboy.

Rihanna Trolls Instagram User Who Trolled Her

Rihanna highwayRihanna’s a badass, right? Like, she has a tiny gun tattooed under her armpit and she sings about being “so hard” and shooting men. Rum pum pum pum eh eh oh oh?

One of the many people who forgot she was a gangster with a Penguin-style umbrella arsenal called her family members “retarded” on Instagram. Rihanna noticed this and posted a photo of the user next to a goat, asking her millions and millions of Twitter and Instagram followers to spot the differences.

“Can you spot the 3 things that are different in these pics? Chile, it’s time to privatize that account,” Rihanna wrote in response to ms_kasharna1, a woman who reportedly trolled her in the past by saying she looked “dirty” and needed to be punched by Chris Brown again.  Continue reading “Rihanna Trolls Instagram User Who Trolled Her”

These ‘Healed’ Snake Bite Photos Are Still Traumatizing

Steve Rankin 1You may have seen Man Vs. Wild producer Steve Rankin‘s highly disturbing snake bite photo the other day. Well, the image tweeted by Bear Grylls now has an explanation and two sequels.

Rankin wrote that the snake, a Fer-de-Lance pit viper, lunged at him from under a fallen tree, poisoning him through his boot.

 “It took about 2 hours to get to hospital. I hobbled, was carried and choppered to San Jose. Lucky it was so quick,” he said after someone on Twitter asked about his treatment.

Here’s the first, gross-yet-fascinating post-surgery photo of his zombie foot:  CLICK for eye-burning pain…