Bruce Jenner Looks So Much Better As A Woman Than As A Man

call me caitlyn coverCaitlyn Jenner subtly clarified in her Vanity Fair article that she is a super separate entity from her stepdaughters Kim, Khloe and Kourtney, but she sure does publicity like a Kardashian.

No more speculation. Even the former Bruce Jenner’s excessive use of plastic surgery makes more sense now. The beauty standard bar has been set especially high in his family, but it also had a lot to do with him hating the masculine features that made him a sex symbol in the ’70s.

“Underneath my suit I have a bra and panty hose and this and that and thinking to myself, ‘They know nothing about me,'” Jenner said in her eye-opening VF interview. “Little did they know I was totally empty inside.”  Continue reading “Bruce Jenner Looks So Much Better As A Woman Than As A Man”

Beyoncé is Turning Into Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks Beyonce lookalikeWhen you think of strong black women in the industry, Beyonce and Tyra Banks are two names that hopefully come to mind.

One’s a successful singer, the other a successful model, about 10 years apart in age, and the older they both get the more they start to morph into each other.  Continue reading “Beyoncé is Turning Into Tyra Banks”

Current Photos of Actress Daveigh Chase Will Make You a Lot Less Afraid of ‘The Ring’

Daveigh Chase sexy I was in high school when The Ring came out. It was the first time in a decade everyone was talking about a horror movie in the same way I imagine they were when The Shining or Psycho debuted, and also the first time I was afraid of a common object (the TV).

All this thanks to a performance from Daveigh Chase, who played the nightmare-inducing Samara in the 2002 American remake of Ringu.

Now that I’m, uh, not 16, and Chase is 24, blonde and a frequent poster of sexy pictures on Instagram, I think we can all rest easy. (Or easier, at least?)
girl from the ring all grown up Now if only someone would post a photo of the horses from The Ring alive and well in an Easter-themed pasture somewhere dressed as My Little Ponies or unicorns…

Azealia Banks Posing For Internet-Breaking Playboy Photos

Playboy is employing Azealia Banks for an upcoming shoot. Banks is famous for songs like “212,” getting into Twitter feuds, and being a rapper who often gets confused with Iggy Azalea (who she affectionately calls “Itchy Areola”) despite not being white or Australian.

Banks will be interviewed by Rob Tannebaum within the April 2015 issue and photographed by Ellen Von Unwerth, whose portfolio includes compromising photos of Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Beyoncé and Janet Jackson.  Continue reading “Azealia Banks Posing For Internet-Breaking Playboy Photos”

Gaga’s Engagement Ring is a Bloody Giant Heart

lady gaga ringJust Kidding.

Lady Gaga of the meat dress-having, singing-while-covered-in-blood and eating-designer-cakes-dripping-with-red-dye persuasion, did NOT receive anything crazy for her engagement, but she did get a completely normal heart-shaped ring from her boyfriend, television firefighter and werewolf Taylor Kinney, for Valentine’s.

Kidding again. Gaga’s ring isn’t normal, it’s huge and probably worth a million dollars. The biggest shock here is one of the following multiple choice options:

1.  You can buy a ring like this at almost any high-end jewelry store.
2. Nobody was hired to pry it from the cold dead fingers of Alexander McQueen
3. Gaga is marrying not only a human man from Earth, but a pretty regular guy

 

 

 

 

 

Kourtney Kardashian did the Naked Pregnancy Photo Thing

Kourtney kardashian dujour 2Kourtney Kardashian – my favorite, because she’s grumpy, throws the most shade at Kim and loves white meat even though it’s highly frowned upon in her family – is about to pop out another baby and figured she’d preserve the moment in time forever by showing her blown-up pregnancy belly and surprisingly not blown-up bosoms to the world via a naked Dujour magazine spread. (Scroll down for slightly NSFW photo.)

In their profile, Dujour calls Kourtney the “pacifying, nurturing one,” but you kind of have to be a little nurturing and patient when you have two little ones running around plus a Scott Disick AND, like all of us, you live in the constant cold shadow of Kim’s ass.  Continue reading “Kourtney Kardashian did the Naked Pregnancy Photo Thing”

Paper Mag Rep Says They Barely Photoshopped Kim Kardashian’s Naked Behind

The publication responsible for front-to-back Kim Kardashian nudity, Paper Mag, says that “none of the photoshopping they did on her was drastic.”

Not that we haven’t already been wondering for the last 5 years how a human woman could have a waist that thin and an ass that could break even the largest pair of yoga pants, but this is kind of believable if you really think about it.

EVEN THOUGH she looks like a Barbie that went through Krispy Kreme’s glazer, you know from “accidentally” following her career from day 1 that her body basically does look like that naturally (unless she’s been stuffing her Herve Leger with pillows at every single event).

The best part is that Paper Mag had to come out and make a statement not only that the original images were not photoshopped much, but that the un-retouched “originals” that surfaced were fake. (Click here for a real one.)  Continue reading “Paper Mag Rep Says They Barely Photoshopped Kim Kardashian’s Naked Behind”

Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?

Kendall jenner headlines
According to the internet, fashionista Kendall Jenner is smitten with Chris Brown while simultaneously trying to steal Justin Bieber from Selena Gomez and become a Victoria’s Secret Angel while jealous models put cigarette butts in her lattes.

Lately Kim Kardashian has been reduced to boring mom updates while the eldest Jenner streamrolls straight over her and into the spotlight.

Big asses are so 2013. It’s all about “extreme side boob.”  Continue reading “Is Kendall Jenner MORE FAMOUS than Kim Kardashian?”

From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind

It’s been two days since Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81 after complications during surgery. After a week of crossing our fingers hoping that Joan might pull through, daughter and noted business partner, Melissa Rivers, was faced with the decision of taking her off life support.

A multitude of celebrities have shared an outpouring of supportive messages and stories about Joan, like Giuliana Rancic, who called her “The funniest woman” ever, adding that “She could put a smile on your face, instantly, no matter how hard your day was.”

So true, what better way to escape reality than listen to Joan Rivers insult people? I’m not being facetious, insult comedy is the best comedy. Anyone who says otherwise is Bill Cosby. And, not only was she a comedian, but an actress (who could forget her as the voice of the cockblocking robot Dot Matrix in Spaceballs?), an author and a Late Night host.

Joan was the female, television-version of Howard Stern, versatile as f*ck and completely unafraid to speak her mind and ask real questions. (A quality that almost got her blackballed from Hollywood.) I saw the most of Joan on E!’s Fashion Police, as a sanctioned truth-teller and critic of all things offensive to the eyes.  Continue reading “From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind”

Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back”

Get Ready for a Female Thor and a Black Captain America

female thor black captain americaEvery year at Comic-Con we see bundles of gender and race-flipped superheroes, and now, to delight of cosplayers everywhere, female Thor and black Captain America are a reality in the Marvel universe.

Steve Rogers is passing his shield to Sam Wilson a.k.a Falcon (played by Anthony Mackie in The Winter Soldier) and Thor’s hammer is being picked up by a woman.

Introduced in 1969, Falcon was the second mainstream black superhero ever after Black Panther in 1966, and the first to hail from the U.S. As for Thor, we’ll have to wait until October to find out about the mysterious woman who takes the place of the original and what he did to no longer be worthy of the title.  Continue reading “Get Ready for a Female Thor and a Black Captain America”

The Next Time Your Parents Disapprove of Your Piercings, Show Them This…

huge cheek gauges Are you a young person whose parents are on the fence about you getting some measly bellybutton or industrial piercing? I think I may have a solution. Show them a picture of this German guy with 36mm cheek gauges

There’s a chance they’ll think whatever you want is just a gateway piercing to having your teeth show through the side of your face like post-burn Harvey Dent, but it’s worth a shot.

23-year-old Joel Miggler can stick his tongue out the holes and blow mass amounts of smoke out of them, looking very much like a human gas mask. I’m also pretty sure that at least 20% of the food he puts in his mouth falls right back out.

 

Rihanna for Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, 2014

rihanna arabia coverJust realized I haven’t talked about Rihanna in a while because I thought if I prayed hard enough in silence for her Instagram account to reappear I might get a response because summer is here and I desperately need to know which monokini has the best slits and what beach provides equal parts shade and sun for eating pineapple slices off Cara DeLevingne in an MDMA haze.

An Instagram account isn’t even the only thing we’re mourning, Rihanna has sadly been enjoying her break from album-recording, and will probably not release her usual CD in November.

No diamonds, no men down, no broken dishes…  Continue reading “Rihanna for Harper’s Bazaar Arabia, 2014”

Being in Love Has Made Adam Levine a Better Person

Adam levine blond instagramAdam Levine seems like the type of guy who would buy you crepes ever day for a month and then suddenly ignore you to buy some other girl crepes, right? Right. Well, now that he’s found “the one” (he’s getting married next month to Behati Prinsloo), he feels bad for being a serial crepist and is apologizing to every one of his model exes, particularly Nina Agdal and Anne V.

This doesn’t quite make up for other bad decisions, like his hair color and the “Behati” tattoo he plans to get over his heart, but it’s a start.

A source for Us Weekly says the ladies aren’t keen to let him off the hook and “couldn’t care less.” Bright side: Leonardo DiCaprio is still single.

Forget wedding plans, the real tough decision would be whether to send the apology letters directly to the Sports Illustrated or Victoria’s Secret headquarters.

Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei

Lady Gaga afroThis is a Lady Gaga update for all the people who do not need or want one and were hoping she’d evaporated into the cold dark sperm-soaked ether she came from… SO much is new with Lady Gaga. Like, uh, her CD – the one with no tolerable songs besides “Applause” – is 7 months old and, she has a dog. And an afro!

There she is waving on the streets of New York like “Hi, I’m totally pleased to announce that I’ve been cast as Dr. Frank-N-Furter in an off-off Broadway production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

This look can be achieved after back-to-back viewings of Grease and My Cousin Vinny, plus one tube of Dollar Tree lipstick and zero point zero ounces of shame.  Continue reading “Lady Gaga is the Fro’d Out Lovechild of Tim Curry and Marisa Tomei”

Rihanna Basically Wore No Clothes to a Fashion Award Show

Rihanna see through dressRihanna, one of the most-naked celebrities, is considered a fashion icon. Go figure. If fashion is ever-changing, then Rihanna – with her five unique hair styles a year and bottomless wardrobe – IS fashion (Tom Ford called her dearly departed Instagram account “the most important” thing in the industry), but she also has entire closets dedicated to bikinis and nipple pasties. 

Rihanna’s stripper’s paradise continued at the CFDA’s earlier today in New York, where she was presented with the Fashion Icon Award wearing a bedazzled shower cap, see-through strip of fabric by Adam Selma, and pinkish fur.

Perhaps the hat is more of a flapper head dress than synchronized swimwear, but who besides an asexual design student would even notice what’s going on above the neck?

Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!

kanye smilingI want you all to know that this article is the result of me involuntarily waking up at 8:00 a.m. and laying in bed with a heating pad on my bleeding uterus while watching nothing but E! News. Feel my pain.

Two hours of Kim Kardashian wedding coverage and five Reese’s Peanut Cups later, I learned as much of interest as I would have if the TV had been turned off…

Some poor E! correspondent had it so much worse, as she stood outside listening to dozens of Justin Bieber fans singing “Baby” in front of a hotel in foreign accents all because they thought he might be attending the wedding and wouldn’t stop even when she stuffed Cannolis in her ears and assured them he wasn’t there.  Continue reading “Kardashian Wedding Details: The Hot Pastor, White Batman, George R.R. Martin & More!”