Video: Woman Keeps an Arsenal of Useful Items in Her Bra

Some women keep money in their bras, or weed, like my best friend. Others take it to another level… Watch this magician in action as she pulls a flash, a fifth of vodka and a whole bunch of keys out from under her boob like it’s nothing.
woman pulling things out of bra  woman keys and vodka in bra
Couldn’t even tell any of that stuff was in there, could you? (Via Grouchy Muffin)

The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes

Jessica Chastain goldeng globesWhen it came to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Bill Cosby joke at the Golden Globes, you were either laughing hysterically (Lena Dunham) or completely losing your sh*t (Jessica Chastain). So fun seeing harmless Clooney’s-wife-could-do-better and Meryl Streep-has-a-million-awards jokes turn into I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE.

There were of course other funny moments from the monologue which are being a tad overshadowed…

1. Amy, to Frances McDormand: Frances, I love you. Can I just say you’re the only person in this room that I would save in a fire?

2. Tina: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.3. Amy: I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape, I don’t want to just see myself up there on the screen.

4. Amy, on Reese Witherspoon in Wild: She did all of her own walking … Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.  Continue reading “The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes”

Dismantling Someone Else’s Armor and Weapons in Destiny is the Sweetest, Nerdiest Revenge


Did you happen to recently catch your boyfriend or girlfriend in bed with the neighbor? Does your bf/gf yell at you for no reason or spend outlandish amounts of money at the Cheesecake Factory? If the person who has wronged is also addicted to the game Destiny, don’t waste time trying to dump sugar in their gas tank…

Getting legendary and exotic weapons and armor in Destiny is HUGE pain. It takes forever to get them, while dismantling them takes only seconds.

1. Once you’ve loaded their character, press the start button to access inventory, select items and hold the “X” button on Xbox or the square on PS3 or PS4 to dismantle them.

Or you could just erase their entire hard drive.

(System settings: storage: games and apps: DELETE.)

This is pretty much the worst thing you can do to your console-playing girl/boy/regular friend, like the nerd equivalent of burning a house to the ground.  Continue reading “Dismantling Someone Else’s Armor and Weapons in Destiny is the Sweetest, Nerdiest Revenge”

Hasbro to Make Kid’s Cake Decorating Tool less Penis-y

play doh penisHasbro toys are addressing parent’s concerns about their totally dong-shaped frosting tool by replacing it with something less phallic after concerned mothers contacted the company and posted humorous pictures pointing out the similarities on Facebook after gifting it to their children for the holidays. (One grandmother even mistook it for an actual sex toy.)

Hasbro said in a recent statement that they are “in the process of updating all future Play-Doh products with a different tool.”

Replacement Hasbro cake decorating toy is ribbed for her pleasure comes in regular and magnum sizes. Free easy bake meth kit upon purchase for a limited time only.

Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess

justin bieber falling skateboardA few days ago I awoke to uplifting news of Justin Bieber falling off his skateboard, but upon further reading learned that he was barely hurt and gently drifted across the cement like a single sheet of leftover Christmas tissue paper caught in a persistent breeze.

No carnage, just blonde-headed Justin in dress skating poorly but still better than the average schmo reluctantly eating pavement, about as bruised as a green banana. Continue reading “Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess”

Chinese Husband Disgraced After Banging Wife’s Twin in Parking Lot

chinese couple cheating
A Chinese woman made American headlines when she exacted perfect revenge on her cheating husband. Basically, this guy’s wife found him riding her twin sister like the Hong Kong tram in his car and she locked him and the whore out of the car buck naked and surrounded by strangers with cell phone cameras.
cheating chinese man kicked out of car
The husband, identified as 30-year-old Chang Su, and his mistress were captured in several compromising positions, but it’s a lot easier to laugh than it is to feel bad because 1. it didn’t happen to us and 2. naked cheating Chinese whores.

Funny Video: Peter Pan Live on SNL

Peter Pan Live starring Allison Williams aired last week and was apparently even worse than you’d expect so of course Saturday Night Live jumped at the chance to parody it, inserting Cecily Strong as “the most gorgeous, womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features.” 
cecily strong peter pan whaddup players meme
Also, Aidy Bryant as Taco Bell, Tinkerbell’s ghetto fabulous half-sister, a “reverse tooth fairy” who enjoys landing on raw meat and stealing children’s money.

Arizona Player Pukes on Ball Before Snap

Arizona Oregon puking Remember the name Carter Wood, because that’s who’s tossing the football to his quarterback right after blowing Gatorade chunks all over it in the most memorable gif of this year’s Pac-12.

Wood’s stomach was apparently almost as decimated as his team, the Arizona Wildcats, who lost (51-13) to the Oregon Ducks on Friday.

Ronda Rousey Dated a Guy Who Repeatedly Banged His Teeth Into Hers

Ronda Rousey teethAfter being approached by one of TMZ’s professional celebrity-harassers, MMA legend Ronda Rousey explained what she’s looking for in a man. (Self-confidence, Zzz.)

She also launched into a very interesting story about a seemingly perfect guy who she called “catalog man” who turned her off with his unconventional kissing habits.

He would bite my teeth. Like, his teeth would hit my teeth when we kissed. It’s the worst! At first I was like, “Oh, it’s an accident” but then it started happening over and over and over. … He was absolutely perfect in every way except for that but that was just a dealbreaker. You can’t hit your teeth on my teeth! 

Continue reading “Ronda Rousey Dated a Guy Who Repeatedly Banged His Teeth Into Hers”

Video: Dum Dum Urges Girls to Stay With Guys Who Hit Them

So Howard Stern was recently talking about this video of a girl explaining why guys who give you black eyes are keepers. She’s 100% serious and it’s equal parts sad and funny.

Press play to listen to why you need to stay with abusive dudes who may or may not kill you. It might be the most busted-up “logic” you’ve ever heard.

I just wanted to say that if your boyfriend or the guy that you’re with puts his hands on you like he hits you or beats you up or whatever he does, stay with him. That nigga fucking loves you because he’s risking for you to press charges on him. He’s risking for you calling the police. He’s gonna do time or he’s gonna have to pay money to get out of jail or whatever the case may be, he’s risking all of that for you so that nigga fucking loves you.

Rachel Bilson’s Baby Sadly Isn’t Named ‘Darth’ Anything

darth vader summer robertsSummer Roberts and Darth Vader had a baby together and named it Briar Rose, code name for Disney Princess Aurora of Sleeping Beauty, which is barely Star Wars-related and completely un-O.C.ified. (Was really hoping for Darth Roberts, Summer Vader or Darth Mall.)

Briar Rose, otherwise known as B-Rose, enjoys long walks on the pier, pouting, gingerbread lattes and electrocuting people with her chubby fingertips.

At this point, Hayden Christensen needed the baby to at least secure child support payments from Bilson once she divorces him for COMMISSIONER GORDON.

It’s a Darth, Darth Summer, leaving me here on my own…

Ray Rice Halloween Costume is Utterly Tasteless

Ray Rice halloween costumeIf you know me at all you know that I am sometimes amused by utterly tasteless and horrible things like, for instance, this Ray Rice costume. Simple yet effective and featuring a pantless blow-up doll, it’s unknown who this brave man is, but a friend of his posted photos on Imgur at some point that were thankfully saved and spread around by Uproxx.

Adrian Peterson beating his son and Solange, Jay-Z and Beyonce on the elevator seem like appropriate follow-ups, but I’m definitely going as naked Jennifer Lawrence.

If Only ONE of These ’22 Jump Street’ Sequels Were Real…

23 jump street fireman school
If you’ve seen 22 Jump Street then you probably caught the hilarious fake posters for 23/24/25+ Jump Street shown during the credits.

Channing Tatum has unenthusiastically said “I feel like it’s all redundant” about starring in another sequel, but if any of these movies ever got made I at least know I’d be happy…

(But, like Sharknado and 22 Jump Street, I wouldn’t actually watch them.)  Continue reading “If Only ONE of These ’22 Jump Street’ Sequels Were Real…”

Gavin DeGraw’s New Video is the Most Lesbo-Centric NON-LESBIAN Video of All Time

Yesterday I was sitting around watching VH1  on mute, so all of a sudden I see Gavin DeGraw’s face and I’m about to change the channel when I notice that the video seems super gay and therefore mildly interesting.

There’s a lady doctor and a lady firefighter and some other random businesswoman being oddly sexual at the workplace like opening their mouths and tilting their heads back for no reason and while I’m waiting for them to bang I realize that they’re not lesbians, they’ve just seen Whip-It one too many times and want to knock each other out on a roller derby rink.
Basically, as I’d expected, the video is super cliche, just in a different way. It also doesn’t star Juliette Lewis OR Ellen Page and is therefore a complete waste of my time.

Sarah Silverman on Vape Pens, The Emmys, Drunks and Bush Water

Sarah Silverman Howard Stern show 2014After listening to Sarah Silverman on Howard Stern for the zillionth time, I’m realizing that the woman famous for lines like “I don’t care if you think I’m racist, I just want you to think I’m thin,” is not only hilarious, but also kind of on the top of my previously non-existent list of celebrities I’d actually want to spend time with.

On the Stern Show (September 23), real role model and imaginary bestie Silverman managed to transform stories on superficial things like dating Michael Sheen, showering under her mother’s bush and vape pens into hilarious well-worded wisdom on aging and body image.

On her infamous, random Emmys speech:

I’m always obsessed with the thought that we are hurling through space right now.

Getting older:

I’m in training for the rest of my life to be able to walk without pain. I just want to be healthy.

My skin is the loosest it’s ever been, and it’s only gonna get looser.

Her scene in Masters of Sex, starring boyfriend Michael Sheen:

Ever since I turned 40 I’ve been naked in things. It’s just a human body and I just kind of am over it.

Sheen’s ex-wife, Kate Beckinsale:

You know what, it’s more like ‘Oh my God, look at all these beautiful women and he loves ME.

He and Kate are like brother and sister. I love her, she’s hilarious.


Marijuana vs. Alcohol:

People made a really big deal about it, and I feel like in a few years it won’t be a big deal. Listen, I think of myself as a stoner but the truth is, I’m a total lightweight. I’ll have a puff or two puffs at the end of the night and it’s so funny that’s such a big deal because I’m literally milling around with drunk terrifying people. Drunk people are so scary to me. I don’t even want to make eye contact with them, it’s trouble. They’re trouble. If you look at them the wrong way all their fears come to the surface. You know when drunk people go ‘Oh you think you’re better than me?’ and it’s like, ‘No, that’s what you feel and it’s coming out,’ you know?

I’m not someone who’s like, gonna crusade to legalize pot. It’s not important enough to me, but it is ridiculous. It should be legal. All that shit should be legal.

Continue reading “Sarah Silverman on Vape Pens, The Emmys, Drunks and Bush Water”

WATCH Mike Tyson Call a Reporter a ‘Piece of Sh*t’ on Live Television

I know this is old news, but Mike Tyson semi recently “saved” a guy who crashed his motorcycle in Vegas, and I wanted to remind everyone with this Canadian interview from earlier this month that while Mike Tyson is totally entertaining, he’s also a psychopath.

The lone face-tatted ranger reportedly pulled over to help a man who suffered multiple severe injuries such as broken bones and nerve damage until paramedics arrived.  Continue reading “WATCH Mike Tyson Call a Reporter a ‘Piece of Sh*t’ on Live Television”