Trailer: Terminator Genisys

The new Terminator movie is just different enough to not be Salvation (the one with Christian Bale) or Rise of the Machines (the one with Claire Danes) and just familiar enough to generate interest. This is the one with Emilia Clarke with hardcore Linda Hamilton hair delivering the iconic “Come with me if you want to live” line.

  
Plus a school bus flipping over, shirtless Arnold and naked Jai Courtney (from Spartacus).

Is that you, Jake Gyllenhaal?

Jake Southpaw transformationJake Gyllenhaal has played a soldier, the moochy brother of a soldier, a detective, a creep, a time-traveling teen in a bunny suit and Taylor Swift’s boyfriend, and now he’s a hulked-out left-handed boxer in Southpaw.

Southpaw, directed by Antoine Fuqua (Training Day) and written by Kurt Sutter (Sons of Anarchy) is the not-at-all-based-on-a-true-story of struggling fighter Billy Hope. It was originally supposed to star Eminem.

Things Worth Noting from the ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Teaser

John Boyega star wars
Before sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner I ask my Mom how she feels about new Star Wars movies being made and I learn that she had NO IDEA about the George Lucas abominations made long after the good ones from the ’70s and ’80s.

She might be the luckiest woman on earth, and not just because I’m her daughter.
droid bot volleyball gif the force awakens
Anyway, the new trailer – which hopes to fully erase The Phantom Menace from our minds as well – features a scared black man, a bot riding around on a volleyball and a mysterious member of the dark side hunched over in the woods. (Space Voldemort?)

An authoritative voice tells us “There has been an awakening.” How awake are we?

Continue reading “Things Worth Noting from the ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Teaser”

Rachel Bilson’s Baby Sadly Isn’t Named ‘Darth’ Anything

darth vader summer robertsSummer Roberts and Darth Vader had a baby together and named it Briar Rose, code name for Disney Princess Aurora of Sleeping Beauty, which is barely Star Wars-related and completely un-O.C.ified. (Was really hoping for Darth Roberts, Summer Vader or Darth Mall.)

Briar Rose, otherwise known as B-Rose, enjoys long walks on the pier, pouting, gingerbread lattes and electrocuting people with her chubby fingertips.

At this point, Hayden Christensen needed the baby to at least secure child support payments from Bilson once she divorces him for COMMISSIONER GORDON.

It’s a Darth, Darth Summer, leaving me here on my own…

New Star Wars Movie Will Be Called…

the force awakens memeDisney has revealed the title of the first film in an upcoming string of attempts to heal the damage caused by George Lucas’ last three sequels.

The official title is “The Force Awakens,” which sounds like the Eat, Pray, Love of Star Wars movies to me. Unlike, The Phantom Menace – which was written by racially insensitive preschool students –  and its follow-ups, The Force Awakens features original withering cast members and  J.J. Abrams as director.  Continue reading “New Star Wars Movie Will Be Called…”

Renée Zellweger’s ‘New Face’ is Probably Just Due to Weight Loss

renee zellweger new faceWhen I first heard about Renée Zellweger’s new face, I was like, umm, where does one obtain such a thing and did she get a BOGO like maybe she has an extra one in the vault like a winter face and a summer face.

Maybe one for Fall that’s more round or even maple-leaf shaped and another for cold season with a pine fresh scent and a special lacquer so it doesn’t melt in front of the fireplace?

All I know is, I saw her face circa now and it is drastically different than circa 2000 whatever RZ. For a second I went straight to plastic surgery, but a lot of people, including Renée Zellweger herself say it’s simply because she lost weight. Via PEOPLE:

“People don’t know me in my 40s,” says Zellweger, who prefers to lead a quiet life with Bramhall and a close circle of friends. Recently, she pitched in to help her pal and longtime publicist, Nanci Ryder, who is battling ALS, at the ALS Association Golden West Chapter’s annual Walk to Defeat ALS in Los Angeles.

“People don’t know me [as] healthy for a while,” says Zellweger. “Perhaps I look different. Who doesn’t as they get older?! Ha. But I am different. I’m happy.”

Continue reading “Renée Zellweger’s ‘New Face’ is Probably Just Due to Weight Loss”

If Only ONE of These ’22 Jump Street’ Sequels Were Real…

23 jump street fireman school
If you’ve seen 22 Jump Street then you probably caught the hilarious fake posters for 23/24/25+ Jump Street shown during the credits.

Channing Tatum has unenthusiastically said “I feel like it’s all redundant” about starring in another sequel, but if any of these movies ever got made I at least know I’d be happy…

(But, like Sharknado and 22 Jump Street, I wouldn’t actually watch them.)  Continue reading “If Only ONE of These ’22 Jump Street’ Sequels Were Real…”

Trailer: Big Eyes

After years of tackling bizarre films about scissor-handed bondage enthusiasts, apes in space, Dracula and other monsters, almost all exclusively starring Johnny Depp, Tim Burton has turned over a new leaf. Title aside, Big Eyes is being billed as Tim Burton’s most “normal” movie since Big Fish, which, if you recall, still featured a giant and a witch.

Sans monsters and Depp, the movie is based on the real-life story of an artist (Amy Adams) whose husband (Christoph Waltz) took credit for her work in ’50s/60s-era San Francisco.

Continue reading “Trailer: Big Eyes”

Here’s what Jon Hamm, Justin Bieber and Blake Lively look like as Average Americans

Blake lively planet hiltronJustin Bieber planet hiltronJon Hamm planet hiltron
Danny Evans – creator of Planet Hiltron, a site that shares photos of photoshopped celebrities looking like average to below average housewifes and blue collar husbands in small town America (basically, people who don’t know that feathered hair isn’t in style anymore) – is back, with renditions of Jon Hamm, Blake Lively and Justin Bieber + Selena Gomez.

Cameron Diaz and Lana Del Rey were also included in the exclusive collection. Would these not make amazing trading cards? The dumpier the celeb, the higher the value…

 

From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind

It’s been two days since Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81 after complications during surgery. After a week of crossing our fingers hoping that Joan might pull through, daughter and noted business partner, Melissa Rivers, was faced with the decision of taking her off life support.

A multitude of celebrities have shared an outpouring of supportive messages and stories about Joan, like Giuliana Rancic, who called her “The funniest woman” ever, adding that “She could put a smile on your face, instantly, no matter how hard your day was.”

So true, what better way to escape reality than listen to Joan Rivers insult people? I’m not being facetious, insult comedy is the best comedy. Anyone who says otherwise is Bill Cosby. And, not only was she a comedian, but an actress (who could forget her as the voice of the cockblocking robot Dot Matrix in Spaceballs?), an author and a Late Night host.

Joan was the female, television-version of Howard Stern, versatile as f*ck and completely unafraid to speak her mind and ask real questions. (A quality that almost got her blackballed from Hollywood.) I saw the most of Joan on E!’s Fashion Police, as a sanctioned truth-teller and critic of all things offensive to the eyes.  Continue reading “From Dot Matrix to ‘Fashion Police’: Why Joan Rivers Was the Best of Her Kind”

This R&B Cover of ‘Do You Want To Build a Snowman’ is Absolutely Spectacular

STOP contemplating spending your bad day watching videos of dancing lambs and monkeys bothering cats and listen to the folky/R&B version of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” in all its glorious smile-inducing cuteness.

Yes, The Voice Australia semi-finalist Fatai just released her full rendition of the song everyone – even people who miraculously haven’t seem Frozen – are singing regardless of it being summer and there not being access to snow in most parts of the country.

Beyonce is surely jealous of all this note-stretching soulfulness, wondering why she didn’t come up with this for the sing-Blue-Ivy-to-sleep mixtape.  Continue reading “This R&B Cover of ‘Do You Want To Build a Snowman’ is Absolutely Spectacular”

Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer

Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.

The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.)  Continue reading “Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer”

‘Snowpiercer’ is a Much Grittier ‘The Hunger Games,’ For Railway Enthusiasts

Chris Evans snowpiercer still If you haven’t seen Snowpiercer yet, you need to, immediately. Here’s what it’s about, in case you saw it on one of those Best of 2014 lists and were still on the fence….

Basically, in the future – 2031 to be exact – the human race has decided to release a chemical into the atmosphere to cool the climate, but it works too well and freezes everything and the last few remnants of mankind are stuck on a train that circles earth once a year.

It’s based on a French graphic novel (Le Transperceneige), and is basically a much grittier, gorier South Korean version of The Hunger Games, except on a train.

With Chris Evans as Katniss (or Princess Elsa), Jamie Bell as Peeta, Tilda Swinton as Effy, and Ed Harris as President Snow. HUNGER TRAIN!
Frozen arm snowpiercer
The train circles the earth once a year and works on a horribly unfair class system, with the people at the back of the train eating roach protein and getting their arms frozen off and broken with sledgehammers by the rich sushi-eating folk at the front when they misbehave.

Brooding dude in a beanie Curtis (Captain America) decides to do something about it and break through the security gates to take control of the “eternal engine” with the help of an imprisoned drug addict and his clairvoyant daughter.  Continue reading “‘Snowpiercer’ is a Much Grittier ‘The Hunger Games,’ For Railway Enthusiasts”

‘Life After Beth’ is Aubrey Plaza’s ‘Warm Bodies’

Aubrey Plaza zombie movieAs far as zombie comedies go, there’s Zombieland with its famed rules of escape, British zomedy Shaun of the Dead, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Planet Terror, Zack Snyder’s super gory Dawn of the Dead remake etc.

The latest, Life After Beth, has two parents (John C. Reilly and Molly Shannon) and a boyfriend (Dane DeHaan) dealing with the reality of their beloved (Aubrey Plaza) rising from the grave.

It’s essentially Warm Bodies with a gender reversal, only one zombie and a focus on the former human’s newfound appetite for flesh. Or Jennifer’s Body advertised properly, with queen of one-liners/Parks and Rec show-stealer as the dead girl.

In theaters August 15. Click HERE to watch the trailer.  Continue reading “‘Life After Beth’ is Aubrey Plaza’s ‘Warm Bodies’”

Megan Fox Cares Too Much About Her Children to Make More Than 1 Movie a Year

Megan fox sons ellenMegan Fox is not as shallow as you may have once thought and cares much more about her two sons than her fans. During a chat with Parents magazine, Fox explained that due to an intense case of “mommy guilt,” her heart is no longer in bending over cars, puking black slime or having her boobs jiggled by Leslie Mann.

Really her only motivation to act is to pump up Bodhi and Noah’s college fund…

“I have to make one movie a year because I have to invest in their future and I have to be able to pay their way through college and be able to provide for them,” she said. “I’m looking for movies that will shoot in Los Angeles, for projects where I’m part of an ensemble so I can shoot in and out in 10-20 days. It’s all about trying to spend as little time away from my kids as possible.”

Any time she does crawl out of the baby rearin’ ether and into the spotlight, it’s to talk about babies. Ugh. Note the high-pitched squeal as she points at photosContinue reading “Megan Fox Cares Too Much About Her Children to Make More Than 1 Movie a Year”