Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas

chris brown lizianeHere’s what I know about the Chris Brown Vegas assault charges… A star-fucking groupie said Brown punched her in the melon during a concert. Brown called the star-fucking groupie “dusty” and said “I don’t know this old-looking bitch.”

Did he actually attack ye old bitchLiziane Gutierrez? Yes, totally.

There isn’t a single woman Chris Brown comes into contact with that doesn’t get hit. Sometimes it’s figurative, but it happens. Do I have love for star fuckers? No, but I have a lot less love for the man who made Rihanna look like a chump. It’s his fault ‘Anti’ still hasn’t been released AND that it’s cold in winter and that I’m broke, and also, he killed Natalie Cole, but not a lot of people know that, so shhh.  Continue reading “Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas”

Beyoncé is Turning Into Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks Beyonce lookalikeWhen you think of strong black women in the industry, Beyonce and Tyra Banks are two names that hopefully come to mind.

One’s a successful singer, the other a successful model, about 10 years apart in age, and the older they both get the more they start to morph into each other.  Continue reading “Beyoncé is Turning Into Tyra Banks”

Azealia Banks Posing For Internet-Breaking Playboy Photos

Playboy is employing Azealia Banks for an upcoming shoot. Banks is famous for songs like “212,” getting into Twitter feuds, and being a rapper who often gets confused with Iggy Azalea (who she affectionately calls “Itchy Areola”) despite not being white or Australian.

Banks will be interviewed by Rob Tannebaum within the April 2015 issue and photographed by Ellen Von Unwerth, whose portfolio includes compromising photos of Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Beyoncé and Janet Jackson.  Continue reading “Azealia Banks Posing For Internet-Breaking Playboy Photos”

Unretouched Photos of ‘Regular Woman’ Beyoncé Promptly Removed From Internet

unretouched beyonce Over the years, we’ve loved and scrutinized Beyoncé to Oprah-sized proportions.

I get alerts on my phone informing me when her roots grow and if she may or may not have bunions. And if she does have a bunion, I want to know exactly which foot and the exact location in latitude and longitude.

Which brings me to a website that released not one or two but a whopping 224 unretouched photos of the singer.  Continue reading “Unretouched Photos of ‘Regular Woman’ Beyoncé Promptly Removed From Internet”

Kanye is ‘Definitely’ Recording With Taylor Swift

taylor swift kanye memeWhat kind of world am I living in? Apparently one where Kanye West and Taylor Swift bury the hatchet by recording sweet sweet music together.

Kanye hasn’t recorded sweet sweet music since 2010, and while I doubt a country/pop crossover with Taylor is the answer, it’s still astounding that he says he’s for sure going to make sure going to make music with the girl who’s moment he ruined on behalf of Beyonce all those years ago.  Continue reading “Kanye is ‘Definitely’ Recording With Taylor Swift”

Video: The Weeknd – “Earned It”

At 4 minutes and 36 seconds, The Weeknd’s version of Fifty Shades of Grey is better than the movie. And instead of being summed up by an entire book with scenes featuring tampons and buttplugs that apparently turned on every woman in the world except me, this music video can be explained with a single gif of Dakota Johnson playing with The Weeknd’s hair tuft.
the weeknd hair dakota johnson
Ellie Goulding has also released a song from the weirdly good Fifty Shades soundtrack AND a bonus Nike campaign video of her running in tights. You’re welcome.

Video: Childish Gambino – “Sober”

Actor/rapper extraordinaire Donald Glover enlists his favorite director Hiro Murai (“Telegraph Ave,” “Sweatpants,” and “3005”) to shoot the stoner anthem “Sober.”
childish gambino sober childish gambino sober dove
Glover displays excellent pantomiming skills in hopes of impressing a girl (Amber Lauren Jones) at a diner. Dude has doves flying out of his shirt and she barely bats an eye. Cold.

As you can imagine, Glover, Murai and Jones had a blast making this.  Continue reading “Video: Childish Gambino – “Sober””

Video: Nicki Minaj – “The Pinkprint Movie”

Nicki Minaj is feeling generous this holiday season, after delivering the “Only” video, a song about all the guys she could have banged but didn’t, she’s giving us The Pinkprint Movie – three videos in one displaying varying stages of heartache-inducing grief.

These stages of grief are: crying, crashing your car while crying, continuing to sing even though you’ve been in a car accident, and playing the piano.
nicki Minaj pinkprint gif imgur  Nicki minaj crying gif the pinkprint movie
The songs are about an angry guy with a Minaj chest tattoo who looks like Big Sean…

Continue reading “Video: Nicki Minaj – “The Pinkprint Movie””

Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…

Jlo Iggy azalea bootyThe oldest butt and the newest joined forces for a song called, get ready for it, “Booty.” A middle-eastern tune best served after repeated viewings of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda,” the “Dance (Ass)” remix and Kim Kardashian’s entire Instagram.

Seriously, how many simple-minded men have to die of heart problems all so Jennifer Lopez can feel superior to Kim and Nicki?

You know she came up with this concept after turning around in the mirror asking Evil Queen-style who has the roundest derriere of all?  Continue reading “Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…”

Meet Hefe Wine, the Man Behind the Alleged Iggy Azalea Sex Tape…

Hefe wine iggy azalea exThe only people who have seen Iggy Azalea’s sex tape at this point seem to be the “businessmen” over at Vivid Entertainment, who think the tape could actually be worth millions of dollars, possibly even more than saucer-eyed knob-polishers Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

The only people BESIDES of course Iggy herself and her co-star, former boyfriend and manager combo Hefe Wine.

Azalea is busy denying the tape’s existence while her lawyers are busy telling TMZ that it was filmed “without her knowledge or consent” and Hefe is busy pretending like he had nothing to do with it ending up at Vivid.

There’s also word that Iggy – known back then as Amethyst Amelia Kelly – may have accidentally signed over the rights to it to the douchey ex. (Which is bullsh*t, because the contract only related to music and music-related videos.Continue reading “Meet Hefe Wine, the Man Behind the Alleged Iggy Azalea Sex Tape…”

Robin Thicke’s Recollection of ‘Blurred Lines’ is, Well, Pretty F*cking Blurry

Robin Thicke, the man famous for putting naked girls in a music video and grabbing butts other than his wife’s recently admitted that he was drunk and high on pills when his biggest song, “Blurred Lines” was being born in the studio. Also, he didn’t write it, but took credit anyway.

“I was high on vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio,” Thicke said during a court deposition deciding whether “Blurred Lines” is a white copy of a Marvin Gaye song. “I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

Continue reading “Robin Thicke’s Recollection of ‘Blurred Lines’ is, Well, Pretty F*cking Blurry”

This R&B Cover of ‘Do You Want To Build a Snowman’ is Absolutely Spectacular

STOP contemplating spending your bad day watching videos of dancing lambs and monkeys bothering cats and listen to the folky/R&B version of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” in all its glorious smile-inducing cuteness.

Yes, The Voice Australia semi-finalist Fatai just released her full rendition of the song everyone – even people who miraculously haven’t seem Frozen – are singing regardless of it being summer and there not being access to snow in most parts of the country.

Beyonce is surely jealous of all this note-stretching soulfulness, wondering why she didn’t come up with this for the sing-Blue-Ivy-to-sleep mixtape.  Continue reading “This R&B Cover of ‘Do You Want To Build a Snowman’ is Absolutely Spectacular”

Video: Jessie J – “Bang Bang” Feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj

“Bang Bang,” is a song by music’s Vampira featuring big voice-having little person Ariana Grande and inspiration for the “ass like a cadillac” line, Nicki Minaj.

Jessie j vampira
                                               Tell me you don’t see it…

From Grande’s uncomfortable mating dance to the Wham sample, the video is as sad as Minaj’s staged wardrobe malfunction at the VMAs. (Not to mention all the attendees knowing they’re going to win/lose ahead of time.)  Continue reading “Video: Jessie J – “Bang Bang” Feat. Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj”

This Year’s VMAs are Cursed

scary britney spearsThe 2014 VMAs haven’t even begun and they’re already more interesting than they’ve been in a long long time…

So far, Suge Knight was shot, Nicki Minaj’s dancer was bit by a snake during rehearsals, Iggy Azalea fell backwards off the stage AAAND this year’s show is officially cursed.

Knight is currently in intensive care recovering from stomach and arm injuries caused by gunfire at Chris Brown’s pre-party, Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj’s dancer – who was attacked by a boa constrictor during a run-through of “Anaconda” – appear to be fine.

Individually, we could assume that Tupac cursed Suge Knight from the grave for being involved in his murder and Nicki had bad karma after cursing Iggy Azalea for stealing her thunder, OR we could apply actual logic and say that Suge is a known gangster and Iggy’s ass and gravity are as deadly a combination as wild animals and human dancers.

All I have to say is, this is what happens when you don’t invite Britney Spears.

I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…

Nicki minaj pink outfit anaconda
On behalf of everyone, I would like to proclaim that I watched all of Nicki Minaj‘s new music video, which is “Baby Got Back” with a different title and a verse about a dude named Michael with a “dick bigger than a tower” who tossed her salad “like his name Romaine.” 
nicki minaj anaconda gif
Michael and this other guy Troy love that she’s down to bang in a car and that she eats breakfast lunch and dinner because, as you can tell from the salad references and slow-motion banana peeling, she’s very health conscious.

As with all things Nicki Minaj, it all boils down to the ass, and this is definitely the most assalicious song of Nicki’s. (“Dance A$$” doesn’t count if we’re being technical.)

The video is just an excuse for Nicki and other self-proclaimed big bootied hoes to twerk.

All twerk and no play / twerking hard or hardly twerking?

Continue reading “I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…”

Video: Ella Eyre – “Comeback”

It might seem unusual for a debut album to have a song called “Comeback” on it, but at only 20 years old, obvious Best Hair in Music-haver Ella Eyre makes it work.

It’s about a scoundrel who “comes back” after cheating, but instead of being a weak ass weak sauce bad-guy-taker-backer, she breaks his dishes, dissects his flatscreen with a guitar and lights his ride on fire. With a little help from her friends, of course.  Continue reading “Video: Ella Eyre – “Comeback””