Video: The Weeknd – “Earned It”

At 4 minutes and 36 seconds, The Weeknd’s version of Fifty Shades of Grey is better than the movie. And instead of being summed up by an entire book with scenes featuring tampons and buttplugs that apparently turned on every woman in the world except me, this music video can be explained with a single gif of Dakota Johnson playing with The Weeknd’s hair tuft.
the weeknd hair dakota johnson
Ellie Goulding has also released a song from the weirdly good Fifty Shades soundtrack AND a bonus Nike campaign video of her running in tights. You’re welcome.

Marilyn Manson is a Reclusive Cat Lady

Marilyn Manson loves catsIn a New York Times profile on Marilyn Manson’s “phoenix rising” music and acting career, we learn details so mundane they’re actually startling.

Firstly, Manson gave up the drink he mentioned in pretty much every interview prior to this one (absinthe) to get in better shape, and was inspired to do so by Charlie Hunnam from Sons of Anarchy. 

He’s also best friends with Johnny Depp, enjoys Sisqo’s “The Thong Song” and loves his cat Lily more than anything in this world.

Otherwise, Marilyn Manson is a bit of a homebody, preferring to watch TV and movies or paint. His dearest companion is his 11-year-old danderless cat, Lily White. “She is definitely the one true center of my universe,” he said, scrolling through photos of her on his phone. “It’s the closest thing, I guess, to having a child.”

Enjoy this picture of Michael C. Hall rescuing a cat from a roof and imagine fellow unexpected cat ladies Snooki, Manson and Russell Brand there lending a hand.

Video: Childish Gambino – “Sober”

Actor/rapper extraordinaire Donald Glover enlists his favorite director Hiro Murai (“Telegraph Ave,” “Sweatpants,” and “3005”) to shoot the stoner anthem “Sober.”
childish gambino sober childish gambino sober dove
Glover displays excellent pantomiming skills in hopes of impressing a girl (Amber Lauren Jones) at a diner. Dude has doves flying out of his shirt and she barely bats an eye. Cold.

As you can imagine, Glover, Murai and Jones had a blast making this.  Continue reading “Video: Childish Gambino – “Sober””

Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess

justin bieber falling skateboardA few days ago I awoke to uplifting news of Justin Bieber falling off his skateboard, but upon further reading learned that he was barely hurt and gently drifted across the cement like a single sheet of leftover Christmas tissue paper caught in a persistent breeze.

No carnage, just blonde-headed Justin in dress skating poorly but still better than the average schmo reluctantly eating pavement, about as bruised as a green banana. Continue reading “Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess”

Video: Nicki Minaj – “The Pinkprint Movie”

Nicki Minaj is feeling generous this holiday season, after delivering the “Only” video, a song about all the guys she could have banged but didn’t, she’s giving us The Pinkprint Movie – three videos in one displaying varying stages of heartache-inducing grief.

These stages of grief are: crying, crashing your car while crying, continuing to sing even though you’ve been in a car accident, and playing the piano.
nicki Minaj pinkprint gif imgur  Nicki minaj crying gif the pinkprint movie
The songs are about an angry guy with a Minaj chest tattoo who looks like Big Sean…

Continue reading “Video: Nicki Minaj – “The Pinkprint Movie””

Video: Nicki Minaj – “Only”

While you’re waiting for Nicki Minaj‘s third full-length album The Pinkprint (tomorrow), here’s a video of Nicki bouncing around in business casual attire with Drake professing his love for cellulite-laden ass dimples and Chris Brown in his most believable performance ever as a rapey-eyed devil. Produced by alleged Ke$ha and Lady Gaga rapist Dr. Luke.
  

I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore

The internet is abuzz with news that Mariah Carey has absolutely no ability to sing live after a disastrous televised performance at Rockefeller Center.

I’ll admit that the “true-ue-ue-ue” part of “All I Want For Christmas” sans music sounds like a downed bird being repeatedly stepped and unstepped on, but talent is not something you simply lose one day like a coin in a couch cushion.

I am of the slightly unpopular opinion that Mariah is the best female singer of my generation (suck it, Beyoncé) and would like to defend her honor by saying that she’s no dummy. She made it through the rain with multiple personalities, Glitter and a mustache in Precious. I say she’s pretending to suck so she can make another comeback.  It’s a brilliant business plan that you wish you’d thought of. Continue reading “I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore”

Jaden and Willow Smith are the Most New Agey Kids Ever

Willow and Jaden look like Will SmithYou know that one friend you have that’s all about good “energy, “being “connected” and forcing weird food into your mouth and bad thoughts in your head? The one that makes you feel like you’re gaining and losing brain cells at a rapid and weirdly equal rate with their conspiracies on cancer being secretly curable and GMO corn being responsible for 9/11.

Willow and Jaden Smith are those people, except that they’re 14 and 16, which makes it even weirder than it already is. In an interview with the New York Times promoting Jaden’s music, the Smiths don’t sound like the children of Scientologists, they sound like the children of pretentious, brainwashed hippies.

The only thing that could “explain” the  interview is the Jaden line, “I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time.”

It starts out like this, with the simple question “What have you been reading?”

WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.

JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.

And then it gets odder:

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

And odder:

JADEN: When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness.

And BOOM, your head explodes like a watermelon in a movie adaptation of Fruit Ninja directed by Michael Bay:

JADEN: Honestly, we’re just trying to make music that we think is cool. We don’t think a lot of the music out there is that cool. So we make our own music. We don’t have any song that we like to listen to on the P.C.H. by any other artist, you know?

WILLOW: That’s what I do with novels. There’re no novels that I like to read so I write my own novels, and then I read them again, and it’s the best thing.

And then your internal organs splat onto everything. Intestines on the window pane, liver on the kitchen tile, kidneys wrapped around the faucet while Willow and Jaden laugh sadistically because they’re too cool for novels and music…  Continue reading “Jaden and Willow Smith are the Most New Agey Kids Ever”

Video: Taylor Swift – “Blank Space”

In “Blank Spaces,” we are reminded that even the most “hardcore” version of Taylor Swift makes about as many waves as a grain of salt in a bathtub.

With its use of Swift’s real-life pet – the splendiferously fluffy Olivia Benson – horses, golf clubs and a male model, “Blank Spaces” is a 12-year-old’s version of a revenge video.
  
She really dented the shit out of that guy’s car and killed the fuck out of that cake.

I would have liked to see a Lorde cameo. Like busting out from behind a bush freak-dancing with lighting bolts coming out of her head (all her power comes from her hair), but she’s too busy covering sexy R&B songs to bother.  Continue reading “Video: Taylor Swift – “Blank Space””

Video: MJ’s “Thriller” in 20 Different Styles

Anthony Vincent of the Ten Second Songs is back singing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” in various spooky styles like Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, Jack Skellington and The Spice Girls. He’s vocally versatile to the point of making me want to ritualistically murder him and eat his flesh in hopes of becoming just as disgustingly talented.

Just in time for Halloween, the holiday where you become a slut to get attention and I become one to get free candy.  Continue reading “Video: MJ’s “Thriller” in 20 Different Styles”

Video: Gwen Stefani – “Baby Don’t Lie”

Gwen Stefani’s comeback is underway with this hippie dippie new acid trip video that plays out like a slowed-down “Rude Boy” B-side sponsored by Puma.

††† ⇒Click here if you prefer videos that feature black Jesus and blond Pete Wentz⇐ †††
gwen stefani baby don't life gif tumblr  gwen stefani baby don't life gif tumblr
The fact that Gwen’s been married for 12 years makes it really hard to guess who this song is about… P.S. Her new solo album, the first since 2006, is rumored to drop in December.

Gavin DeGraw’s New Video is the Most Lesbo-Centric NON-LESBIAN Video of All Time

Yesterday I was sitting around watching VH1  on mute, so all of a sudden I see Gavin DeGraw’s face and I’m about to change the channel when I notice that the video seems super gay and therefore mildly interesting.

There’s a lady doctor and a lady firefighter and some other random businesswoman being oddly sexual at the workplace like opening their mouths and tilting their heads back for no reason and while I’m waiting for them to bang I realize that they’re not lesbians, they’ve just seen Whip-It one too many times and want to knock each other out on a roller derby rink.
Basically, as I’d expected, the video is super cliche, just in a different way. It also doesn’t star Juliette Lewis OR Ellen Page and is therefore a complete waste of my time.

Dr. Luke and Ke$ha are Suing Each Other

dr luke and keshaDr. Luke, who produced nearly every song on Animal and Warrior, not to mention top 40 contenders by Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Kelly Clarkson, is being sued by Ke$ha for physically and emotionally abusing her.

Ke$ha’s camp claims he attacked her drugged her, forced himself on her and insulted her, which all led to her well-documented breakdown and debilitating struggle with body image.

On one occasion, she says she had to run down the Pacific Coast Highway into the mountains with no shoes on to escape his arm-thrashing wrath.

Kesha’s lawyer, Mark Geragos, tells TMZ … “This lawsuit is a wholehearted effort by Kesha to regain control of her music career and her personal freedom after suffering for ten years as a victim of mental manipulation, emotional abuse and an instance of sexual assault at the hands of Dr. Luke.”

Geragos adds, “The facts presented in our lawsuit paint a picture of a man who is controlling and willing to commit horrible acts of abuse in an attempt to intimidate an impressionable, talented, young female artist into submission for his personal gain. Kesha is focused on moving her life and her career beyond this terrible time.”

Dr. Luke is suing her right back, claiming the whole thing is a ploy to get out of her recording contract and go in a new direction with her music.  Continue reading “Dr. Luke and Ke$ha are Suing Each Other”

Video: Maroon 5 – “Animals”

This completely unoriginal video, released 3 days ago, is apparently controversial.

A spokesperson for RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) are calling the video – which features Adam Levine creeping on real-life wifey/10,000th-model-he’s-bedded Behati Prinsloo – “a dangerous depiction of a stalker’s fantasy.”
 
I, on the other hand, believe that the majority of people have enough sense to differentiate harmless, horror-themed imagery from instructions on how to stalk and kill women, but then again, they are watching Maroon 5 videos in their spare time…
Adam Levine kissing Behati animals gif Adam Levine kissing gif
I personally found the video of him making babies with Minka Kelly more upsetting.

(Not sure if bad kisser or intentionally slobbering to make video grosser…?)

Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…

Jlo Iggy azalea bootyThe oldest butt and the newest joined forces for a song called, get ready for it, “Booty.” A middle-eastern tune best served after repeated viewings of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda,” the “Dance (Ass)” remix and Kim Kardashian’s entire Instagram.

Seriously, how many simple-minded men have to die of heart problems all so Jennifer Lopez can feel superior to Kim and Nicki?

You know she came up with this concept after turning around in the mirror asking Evil Queen-style who has the roundest derriere of all?  Continue reading “Stand by for Maximum Butts: J-Lo and Iggy Azalea Made a Video Together…”

Meet Hefe Wine, the Man Behind the Alleged Iggy Azalea Sex Tape…

Hefe wine iggy azalea exThe only people who have seen Iggy Azalea’s sex tape at this point seem to be the “businessmen” over at Vivid Entertainment, who think the tape could actually be worth millions of dollars, possibly even more than saucer-eyed knob-polishers Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

The only people BESIDES of course Iggy herself and her co-star, former boyfriend and manager combo Hefe Wine.

Azalea is busy denying the tape’s existence while her lawyers are busy telling TMZ that it was filmed “without her knowledge or consent” and Hefe is busy pretending like he had nothing to do with it ending up at Vivid.

There’s also word that Iggy – known back then as Amethyst Amelia Kelly – may have accidentally signed over the rights to it to the douchey ex. (Which is bullsh*t, because the contract only related to music and music-related videos.Continue reading “Meet Hefe Wine, the Man Behind the Alleged Iggy Azalea Sex Tape…”