Every Thing Miley Cyrus DID At The 2015 VMAs

miley drag queen vmasA lot of folks are talking about what Miley Cyrus wore at the 2015 Video Music Awards, and while she did earn the title of Space Skank and Juicy Fruit Whore with her many neon, crotch-framing outfits, her hosting gig was about more than just costume changes. Here are a few things she did:

1. Became a feminist. I wasn’t aware that appearing in tired sketches about getting high with rappers and “accidentally” showing some nip from behind a curtain equalled feminism, but website-I-usually-respect Pajiba says she’s “spurring a new wave of sexual revolution like Madonna did in the 80s.”

By having such obvious fun with her body in a way that mocks the Male Gaze, she’s challenging society’s concept of women’s bodies.

By this logic, every scantily clad, kinda weird pop star is a feminist. Grace Jones, yes. Gaga, maybe. Miley, NO.

2. Got called out by Nicki Minaj. I thought for sure Nicki Jekyll and Hydeing from sweet to pissed while accepting the Best Hip-Hop Video award for “Anaconda” was fake. She was visibly laughing while referencing an interview where Cyrus called her “not very polite” for the way she handled the Taylor Swift feud (a beef that was probably created solely to be squashed during the show’s intro), but according to MTV, the moment was 100% unscripted.

miley what's good

And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?

It was much more amusing that Nicki randomly thanked her pastor in her speech, but whatever.

3. Announced a new, free album. It’s called Dead Petz, was inspired by The Flaming Lips and has a lot to do with weed being more available than ever. Witness the lyrics to “Pablow The Blowfish:”

Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so bad
on Saturday night we all went out to eat
I can never decide, so someone chose sushi
I got soup, I ordered rice, but watching my friends eat my friends ruined my appetite

Suspiciously similar to “My Little Locked Room” from Slackers, right?

Things are at least a bit more clear on “Bang Me Box:”

I wanna touch it so bad, it’s almost like I can feel it on my fingertips
I want yours inside of me but don’t forget where I like licking babe
I want you to bang my box

Is she sadder about her dead fish friend than she is horny for Stella Maxwell?

4. Danced with drag queens. Miley turnt it all the way up (though nothing was more exciting than Ye’s announcement about Kim Kardashian being the potential first lady of the United States of America) for her performance of “Do It” with a hoard of humpy drag queens. A scene that surely continued Bieber’s epic fit of tears over his own awesomeness fear of heights.

5. Pissed off black people. Miley drew criticism from Chance The Rapper (among others) on Twitter for her Gone In Sixty Seconds dreadlocks and use of the word “mammy” while talking about her grandma in a skit featuring Snoop Dogg, but was it really any worse than her Kim K joke?

Kim Kardashian, I mean have you guys seen those nipples? I am so jealous of the baby in there.

According to the internet dictionary, the term mammy can refer to “one’s mother (especially as a child’s word)” or a black nursemaid in charge of white children.

6. Showed concern for The Weeknd’s hair. After the Weeknd’s show-stopping rendition of “I Can’t Feel My Face” (in the sort-of words of Kathleen Madigan, “I hope it’s not Bell’s Palsy”), long-hair-don’t-care Miley called Mr. Tesfaye a braver soul than she.

All that fire, and all that hair? I mean, I’ll do almost anything, but that is where I draw the line. That shit is fucking crazy.

So I wasn’t the only one having flashbacks to one of The Weeknd’s biggest influences, Michael Jackson, getting second-degree burns during his Pepsi commercial?

 

Demi Lovato Fails To Kiss A Girl In ‘Cool For The Summer’ Video

People love to compare the potentially bi-curious Demi Lovato single ‘Cool For The Summer’ to ‘I Kissed A Girl‘ by Katy Perry, but the songs really aren’t that similar, and Lovato has further proven that point by sidestepping the expected, cliché opportunity to make out with a girl in the music video.

I repeat, Demi Lovato doesn’t kiss a girl in ‘Cool For The Summer,’ which would be fine if the final product wasn’t so boring. Seriously, platonic girlfriends are so last year.

There is one part where she grabs a girl’s head and leans in, but without actual proof let’s be jerks and assume they’re just besties.

Faith No More’s Opening Band ‘Christeene’ Blows In The Best Way Possible

Christeene Faith no moreI had the good fortune of seeing ’90s alt-rock hitmakers Faith No More on the third date of their North American tour in Portland, OR last night and would like to take a second to describe what I saw.

Before arriving, my friend/ex Scott informed me that a really strange drag queen band called Christeene was opening up for them, but “really strange” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Handpicked by openly gay FNM keyboardist and Imperial Teen founder Roddy Bottum, Christeene was conceived at an queer open mic show in Austin, TX by Paul Soileau, the man behind the butt-baring fishnet stockings.  Continue reading “Faith No More’s Opening Band ‘Christeene’ Blows In The Best Way Possible”

Video: Anne Hathaway Swinging On A Wrecking Ball

I know Jimmy Fallon is responsible for Lip Sync Battle and it was really amazing, especially when all Emma Stone did was win, BUT it’s hard to believe there’s an entire show on Spike based on the segment.
   
Also hard to believe: there are still people who HATE Anne Hathaway. Like, hate hate. All they do is sit around talking about her haircut and how annoying she is even though she’s a legitimately good actress, singer and Miley Cyrus impersonator.  Continue reading “Video: Anne Hathaway Swinging On A Wrecking Ball”

Beyoncé is Turning Into Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks Beyonce lookalikeWhen you think of strong black women in the industry, Beyonce and Tyra Banks are two names that hopefully come to mind.

One’s a successful singer, the other a successful model, about 10 years apart in age, and the older they both get the more they start to morph into each other.  Continue reading “Beyoncé is Turning Into Tyra Banks”

Ariana Grande ‘Talks on a Talk Show’ For The First Time

Ariana Grande is already surrounded by rumors that she’s a total diva who makes her bodyguards carry her around like a doll and frequently gets into shouting matches with anyone who dares disagree with her, but in her first televised interview since hitting it big, she actually seems pretty laid-back.

“I’m so nervous,” Grande tells Jimmy Fallon. “I don’t speak. This is my first time speaking in front of people … I’ve never talked on a talk show.”  Continue reading “Ariana Grande ‘Talks on a Talk Show’ For The First Time”

Howard Stern Doesn’t Think Natalia Kills Should Have Been Fired

Natalia Kills Howard SternAmerican’s Got Talent judge Howard Stern has weighed in on the Natalia Kills / Willy Moon firing over at The X Factor New Zealand.

Like the rest of the United States, Stern and Robin Quivers barely knew who Natalia was (Quivers accidentally called her “Natalie”). Stern thought Natalia and her husband went too far, but didn’t agree with them being fired because “they asked for her opinion.”

“They were outrageous,” Stern said. “They made a personal attack on a guy who didn’t deserve it. I felt the two judges were just a**holes.”  Continue reading “Howard Stern Doesn’t Think Natalia Kills Should Have Been Fired”

Ellie Goulding And Taylor Swift Are Getting Drunk Together While Everyone Else Drinks Tea

Ellie Goulding Taylor Swift Selena Gomez HaimDancing Man fan Ellie Goulding (really loving “Outside” and “Heavy Crown” right now), Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez and members of the indie/rock group Haim had an epic all-celebrity girl tea party today, except someone wasn’t drinking tea.

Two someones, actually…

As you can see, Ellie and bestie/Taylor Swift, giggling in the corner and mowing down on some alcohol.

I wonder how Coke would feel about Taylor enjoying rum with their product?

Unretouched Photos of ‘Regular Woman’ Beyoncé Promptly Removed From Internet

unretouched beyonce Over the years, we’ve loved and scrutinized Beyoncé to Oprah-sized proportions.

I get alerts on my phone informing me when her roots grow and if she may or may not have bunions. And if she does have a bunion, I want to know exactly which foot and the exact location in latitude and longitude.

Which brings me to a website that released not one or two but a whopping 224 unretouched photos of the singer.  Continue reading “Unretouched Photos of ‘Regular Woman’ Beyoncé Promptly Removed From Internet”

Gaga’s Engagement Ring is a Bloody Giant Heart

lady gaga ringJust Kidding.

Lady Gaga of the meat dress-having, singing-while-covered-in-blood and eating-designer-cakes-dripping-with-red-dye persuasion, did NOT receive anything crazy for her engagement, but she did get a completely normal heart-shaped ring from her boyfriend, television firefighter and werewolf Taylor Kinney, for Valentine’s.

Kidding again. Gaga’s ring isn’t normal, it’s huge and probably worth a million dollars. The biggest shock here is one of the following multiple choice options:

1.  You can buy a ring like this at almost any high-end jewelry store.
2. Nobody was hired to pry it from the cold dead fingers of Alexander McQueen
3. Gaga is marrying not only a human man from Earth, but a pretty regular guy

 

 

 

 

 

Kanye is ‘Definitely’ Recording With Taylor Swift

taylor swift kanye memeWhat kind of world am I living in? Apparently one where Kanye West and Taylor Swift bury the hatchet by recording sweet sweet music together.

Kanye hasn’t recorded sweet sweet music since 2010, and while I doubt a country/pop crossover with Taylor is the answer, it’s still astounding that he says he’s for sure going to make sure going to make music with the girl who’s moment he ruined on behalf of Beyonce all those years ago.  Continue reading “Kanye is ‘Definitely’ Recording With Taylor Swift”

Paul McCartney Enlists Gaga for ‘Secret Project’

Gaga Sir Paul instagramIn the past few years, former Beatle Paul McCartney has collaborated with a plethora of artists who were mere embryos when The White Album was recorded. Since “replacing” Kurt Cobain in the Nirvana reunion at the Grammys, Sir Paul has filmed “FourFiveSeconds” with Kanye West and Rihanna and now he’s working on a “secret project” with Lady Gaga, which makes sense since she’s always had a thing for talented old guys like Clarence Clemons, Tony Bennet and Brian May.

Gaga’s new “post sex” fragrance inspired by her sessions with McCartney is available at Target.

Continue reading “Paul McCartney Enlists Gaga for ‘Secret Project’”

Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess

justin bieber falling skateboardA few days ago I awoke to uplifting news of Justin Bieber falling off his skateboard, but upon further reading learned that he was barely hurt and gently drifted across the cement like a single sheet of leftover Christmas tissue paper caught in a persistent breeze.

No carnage, just blonde-headed Justin in dress skating poorly but still better than the average schmo reluctantly eating pavement, about as bruised as a green banana. Continue reading “Justin Bieber Falls Lightly Onto Pavement like a Featherweight Princess”

I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore

The internet is abuzz with news that Mariah Carey has absolutely no ability to sing live after a disastrous televised performance at Rockefeller Center.

I’ll admit that the “true-ue-ue-ue” part of “All I Want For Christmas” sans music sounds like a downed bird being repeatedly stepped and unstepped on, but talent is not something you simply lose one day like a coin in a couch cushion.

I am of the slightly unpopular opinion that Mariah is the best female singer of my generation (suck it, Beyoncé) and would like to defend her honor by saying that she’s no dummy. She made it through the rain with multiple personalities, Glitter and a mustache in Precious. I say she’s pretending to suck so she can make another comeback.  It’s a brilliant business plan that you wish you’d thought of. Continue reading “I Refuse to Believe (or Care) that Mariah Carey Can’t Sing Anymore”

Video: Taylor Swift – “Blank Space”

In “Blank Spaces,” we are reminded that even the most “hardcore” version of Taylor Swift makes about as many waves as a grain of salt in a bathtub.

With its use of Swift’s real-life pet – the splendiferously fluffy Olivia Benson – horses, golf clubs and a male model, “Blank Spaces” is a 12-year-old’s version of a revenge video.
  
She really dented the shit out of that guy’s car and killed the fuck out of that cake.

I would have liked to see a Lorde cameo. Like busting out from behind a bush freak-dancing with lighting bolts coming out of her head (all her power comes from her hair), but she’s too busy covering sexy R&B songs to bother.  Continue reading “Video: Taylor Swift – “Blank Space””

Video: MJ’s “Thriller” in 20 Different Styles

Anthony Vincent of the Ten Second Songs is back singing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” in various spooky styles like Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, Jack Skellington and The Spice Girls. He’s vocally versatile to the point of making me want to ritualistically murder him and eat his flesh in hopes of becoming just as disgustingly talented.

Just in time for Halloween, the holiday where you become a slut to get attention and I become one to get free candy.  Continue reading “Video: MJ’s “Thriller” in 20 Different Styles”