Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’

donald trump i am not a crookAn anonymous woman has come forward alleging Donald Trump and his longtime friend Jeffrey Epstein raped her in 1994 when she was only 13-years-old. Epstein was added to the National Sex Offender Registry in 2008 after soliciting a 14-year-old girl.

Here’s what possible fellow pedophile Trump had to say about Epstein, in 2002:

I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it, Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

See how he describes his buddy’s affinity for minors as charming?

The Jane Doe, who is now around 22-years-old, says Trump “initiated sexual contact” with her multiple times in a new lawsuit she’s filed with the help of an alleged former employee of Epstein’s who claims she witnessed the encounters.

From the Huffington Post:

On the fourth incident, she says Mr. Trump tied her to a bed and forcibly raped her, in a “savage sexual attack,” while she pleaded with him to stop. She says Mr. Trump violently struck her in the face. She says that afterward, if she ever revealed what he had done, Mr. Trump threatened that she and her family would be “physically harmed if not killed.” She says she has been in fear of him ever since.

Epstein has also been linked to Bill Clinton, Kevin Spacey, Chris TuckerStephen Hawking and Prince Andrew, who all flew on his private jet (the “Lolita Express”) and/or visited his private island in the Caribbean, sometimes referred to as “Sex Slave Island” or “Orgy Island,” based on reports that Epstein and some of his high-profile cohorts engaged in group sex with girls as young as 12.

Continue reading “Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’”

Did England Just Make The Worst Business Decision Of All Time?

What I’m about to say probably sums up the vapid nature of most Americans, but I didn’t hear about the EU referendum until today after looking at Ellie Goulding’s Instagram account and noticing she’d written that something “devastating” had happened to her country. Less attention to celebrities and more to world politics = a smarter me, I’m sure.

Because I was deeply concerned for my true love Ellie Goulding England, I learned the bare bones basics about “Brexit,” Britain’s exit from the European Union, and the potentially terrible impact it will have on the economy.

From The Telegraph:

The European Union is an economic and political union of 28 countries. Each of the countries within the Union are independent but they agree to trade under the agreements made between the nations.

The European Union operates a single market which allows free movement of goods, capital, services and people between member states.

Now that we understand what the EU is, let’s learn the effects of leaving it.  Continue reading “Did England Just Make The Worst Business Decision Of All Time?”

Disney Beaches Reopened, Still Just As Infested With Gators

disney world alligator signThe beach alongside the Disney World lagoon where a young boy was drowned by an alligator has reopened with “heightened security,” including a before-sunset curfew and signs that read “You should have gone to California instead.”

Justtt kidding. The signs actually say, “Danger! Alligators and snakes in area. Stay away from the water. Do not feed the wildlife.”

Safety precautions or not, you couldn’t pay me to visit, because Florida is home to an estimated 1.5 million alligators and just as many venomous spiders and snakes. It’s also hot, crowded and full of young people that are way better looking than you and old people who are so close to death you don’t know if they’re talking to you or an invisible deceased relative in the corner.

Let me tell you a story.

I grew up near this golf course that was constantly flooding and full of red-winged blackbirds. People like my mom and all our hippie dippy friends were always trying to get the forest service to buy the land and just let it be what it was meant to be, but it never happened.

The entire state of Florida is the equivalent of that golf course, a giant natural wetland that we — a bunch of stupid humans — couldn’t resist building on. Except instead of harmless chirping blackbirds and cattails, they have gigantic teeth-gnashing reptiles that eat children. We have no right to be mad at anyone but ourselves because we displaced them, not the other way around.

Speaking of the macabre and unnecessary, a reported 240 alligators have been slaughtered by Fish and Wildlife in the past 10 years around The Most Magical Place On Earth. The commission, which is currently sold out of Statewide Alligator Harvest Program permits, also wants us to feel better now that they’re “confident” they killed the very same alligator that devoured 2-year-old Lane Graves on June 16.

No! Alligators are like grey pubic hairs. You pull one out, and three more come to the funeral and ruin your plans. The solution is to drug and blindfold all the Floridians and ship them to Arizona (it’ll be days before they even notice).

Excuse me, all Floridians except the Trump supporters.

Build a giant wall on the Southern borders of Alabama and Georgia, and let the scaly, bloodthirsty creatures have the state of Florida.

 

Facebook’s Infuriating Policies Allow Removal Of Post Exposing Misogynist Pig

facebook messsage asking for nudesApparently Facebook and their employees are in the business of protecting incomprehensibly ignorant, entitled and pushy men.

Yesterday, a friend I’ve known for years received a message asking if she’d be interested in selling pictures of her body. Totally fucking presumptuous and gross, right? Let me interject for a moment by saying that being accosted by random pervs is not flattering. Just a little tip for all the guys out there: most of us prefer well-worded compliments from people we know, trust and respect.

My friend, who is pretty familiar with this type of behavior from years of social media-having — not to mention multiplayer gaming on Xbox Live — decided to thwart his efforts with humor, telling him she was sans genitalia. Continue reading “Facebook’s Infuriating Policies Allow Removal Of Post Exposing Misogynist Pig”

Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby

bill cosby bushBill Cosby’s name is on the tip of everyone’s tongues lately for being the unwanted tongue at the tip of pretty much every woman he ever came in contact with, and we’re all sick of his freedom. Even Whoopi Goldberg, who has famously, stubbornly defended horrible people like Michael Vick and Roman Polanski thinks Cosby should be punished.

The latest person to speak out against Cosby is the king of America, President Obama, who sadly doesn’t have to power to revoke a presidential medal Cosby received in 2002, let alone to speed up the process of him getting DP’d by pudding pops in a federal penitentiary.

Continue reading “Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby”

Unhappy, Penisless Man Becomes Happiest Man Ever After Successful Transplant

banana cuttingDoctors in Cape Town, South Africa were recently able to confirm the world’s first successful penis transplant on a 21-year-old man who lost his member three years earlier. And it only took 9 hours!

The man was 18 at the time of his initiation to manhood, when a surgeon accidentally cut off his entire shaft instead of just his foreskin.

Fortunately, things are starting to look up, as he reportedly sported a post-op erection during a follow-up procedure.  Continue reading “Unhappy, Penisless Man Becomes Happiest Man Ever After Successful Transplant”

This Woman is the New Lorena Bobbitt

Amber Ellis tulsa mugshotA Tulsa woman took Gaga’s “Show Me Your Teeth” lyric WAY TOO far when she took a bite out of her boyfriend’s unsuspecting penis.

31-year-old Amber Ellis did not get as far as knife-wielding Lorena Bobbit, as her significant other was able to wake up in time to fight her off and not lose his entire shaft, though he did receive “several stitches at the base of his penis.”

He was also treated for injuries to his head and neck, due to the fact that Ellis smashed him in the noggin with a laptop.  Continue reading “This Woman is the New Lorena Bobbitt”

Super-Centenarian Attributes Old Age to Raw Eggs, Single Life

Emma morano CentenarianThe oldest woman in Europe and fifth oldest in the world, 115-year-old Italian-born Emma Morano tells the New York Times she believes she’s cruised through three centuries because of her diet, which has included three raw eggs a day since adolescence, and her decision never to remarry.

Morano has been living the single life since 1938, when she separated from her husband and forever decided she “didn’t want to be dominated by anyone.”

Amazingly, Italy’s famous super-centenarian refuses to ever go to the hospital. Continue reading “Super-Centenarian Attributes Old Age to Raw Eggs, Single Life”

Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying

Jon Stewart Brian Williams quoteNews anchor Brian Williams has been suspended by NBC for 6 months without pay for saying he was in a helicopter that had to make an emergency landing after coming under fire in Iraq.

To add insult to injury, Williams claimed he told the lie because umm, like, a bunch of helicopters crashed that day and stuff and he was in a helicopter but just not one of those helicopters and he forget that that totally didn’t happen to him at all because he’s got a lot going on, like trying to ignore trolls who send him videos of his daughter getting her ass eaten out.

Continue reading “Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying”

POLL: Worse Embodiment: Red Skull or Justin Bieber?

extreme plastic surgery red skull justin bieberHenry Damon – a man with a wife and children who are either also insane or couldn’t convince him otherwise – has opted for multiple surgeries to make him look more like Red Skull, the satan-faced Nazi nemesis of Captain America.

“Most of my customers know that body modification is the last step of body art, everyone knows very well what they want and as well as Henry, many of them are waiting for me for many years to make their dreams a reality,” said the man who helped the real-life Red Skull tattoo his cheekbones and eyeballs and remove part of his nose.  Continue reading “POLL: Worse Embodiment: Red Skull or Justin Bieber?”

Measles Outbreak Linked to Idiot Parents

Measles meme The hot new thing right now is measles, a child-killing virus and rash that wasn’t much of a problem developed countries like the U.S. since widespread use of the vaccine in 2000. In 2004, there were only 37 cases, but in 2014 there were at least 644 confirmed cases in the states and many think that Jenny McCarthy the popular anti-vaccine movement is to blame.

If certain parents weren’t opposed to vaccinating their children there would likely be no outbreak in California or a rise in cases in general.  Continue reading “Measles Outbreak Linked to Idiot Parents”

TransAsia Plane Crashes into River, Yields 15 Survivors

taiwan plane crashA plane traveling from Taipei, Taiwan to the neighboring Kinmen islands carrying 58 passengers flew directly in front of traffic on a highway bridge today before crashing into the Keelung River.

Footage and images captured on an onlookers’s dash cam are so surreal they look like something straight out of a Michael Bay movie. The plane, which turned out  a miraculous 15 survivors who stood by the wreckage waiting for rescue, also clipped a taxi cab before plummeting into the river.

Twenty six have been confirmed dead so far with 17 more missing.

This LEGO Memo is a Must-Read for all Parents

lego message to parentsIn 1974, LEGO included this message to parents with their sets, urging them to encourage creativity and disregard gender roles not only when it comes to toys, but in life as well.

The urge to create is equally strong in all children. Boys and girls. It’s imagination that counts. Not skill. You build whatever comes into your head, the way you want it. A bed or a truck. A dolls house or a spaceship. A lot of boys like dolls houses. They’re more human than spaceships. A lot of girls prefer spaceships. They’re more exciting than dolls houses. The most important thing is to put the right material in their hands and let them create whatever appeals to them.

Continue reading “This LEGO Memo is a Must-Read for all Parents”

Stories I’m Too Lazy to Write About [1-28-15]

Paris Hilton monkey whacking it gif

 No man or monkey is immune to Paris Hilton‘s feminine charms. (Uproxx)

Amada Peet (wife of creator David Benioff) hates Game of Thrones(Gawker)

33% increase in people being idiots with guns at the airport since 2013. (Mental Floss)

Eat as much fat as you can because it‘s delicious keeps you young. (MaxWorkouts)

Woman born with adactylia talks pros and cons of Freakshow’s Lobster Boy. (Jezebel)

One of Blink 182‘s lead singers is still in the band but refuses to tour or record. (Spin)

Football-playing children will grow up braindead. Might I suggest ballet? (Time)

The new Ghostbusters movie is basically Bridesmaids 2 with ghosts. (CinemaBlend)

America is the 18th Fattest Country

The United States are in trouble. ISIS and Justin Bieber are still at large, Men are having just as much plastic surgery as women and I keep forgetting which side of the kitchen the silverware drawer is on. On top of all that, we’re not even good at being fat anymore.

Yes, a study pulled using CIA obesity statistics tells us that America, land of the hydrogenated oil spongebath and McDonald’s apple pie enema came in 18th on a list of the fattest countries after Samoa, Nauru, The Cook Islands and a bunch of other names I can’t pronounce because I’m illiterate and overweight but not illiterate and overweight enough to make it to number one.  Continue reading “America is the 18th Fattest Country”

Stories I’m Too Lazy to Write About 1-16-15


Lorde is a drunk because of Taylor Swift. (Jezebel)

Tap your foot to Sleater Kinney’s “No Cities to Love.” (Spin)

Man reunited with dog after 4 years of agony. (Reddit)

Business is booming for professional bridesmaids. (Pix 11)

Jamie Lynn Spears is good with knives under pressure. (TMZ)

People will hate you less if you whack it on the daily. (Evil Beet)

Ian Somerhalder is really, really off the market. (E! News)

Victim’s case almost solid enough to send Cosby to jail. (Gawker)

Miley Cyrus took a shower. (Refinery 29)

12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons

charlie hebdo islam cartoonThe offices of the newspaper Charlie Hebdo came under gunfire earlier today by three masked men who killed 12 and left two critically injured in the worst attack on France since 1995’s Paris train bombing.

The gunman, who wielded assault rifles and a rocket launcher and yelled “Allahu Akbar” (Allah is the greatest) as they stormed the building, have been identified and the youngest attacker, 18-year-old Hamyd Mourad, has turned himself in. Authorities are working hard to locate the other two men.  Continue reading “12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons”