Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’

donald trump i am not a crookAn anonymous woman has come forward alleging Donald Trump and his longtime friend Jeffrey Epstein raped her in 1994 when she was only 13-years-old. Epstein was added to the National Sex Offender Registry in 2008 after soliciting a 14-year-old girl.

Here’s what possible fellow pedophile Trump had to say about Epstein, in 2002:

I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it, Jeffrey enjoys his social life.

See how he describes his buddy’s affinity for minors as charming?

The Jane Doe, who is now around 22-years-old, says Trump “initiated sexual contact” with her multiple times in a new lawsuit she’s filed with the help of an alleged former employee of Epstein’s who claims she witnessed the encounters.

From the Huffington Post:

On the fourth incident, she says Mr. Trump tied her to a bed and forcibly raped her, in a “savage sexual attack,” while she pleaded with him to stop. She says Mr. Trump violently struck her in the face. She says that afterward, if she ever revealed what he had done, Mr. Trump threatened that she and her family would be “physically harmed if not killed.” She says she has been in fear of him ever since.

Epstein has also been linked to Bill Clinton, Kevin Spacey, Chris TuckerStephen Hawking and Prince Andrew, who all flew on his private jet (the “Lolita Express”) and/or visited his private island in the Caribbean, sometimes referred to as “Sex Slave Island” or “Orgy Island,” based on reports that Epstein and some of his high-profile cohorts engaged in group sex with girls as young as 12.

Continue reading “Donald Trump Once Called A Pedophile A ‘Terrific Guy’”

Did England Just Make The Worst Business Decision Of All Time?

What I’m about to say probably sums up the vapid nature of most Americans, but I didn’t hear about the EU referendum until today after looking at Ellie Goulding’s Instagram account and noticing she’d written that something “devastating” had happened to her country. Less attention to celebrities and more to world politics = a smarter me, I’m sure.

Because I was deeply concerned for my true love Ellie Goulding England, I learned the bare bones basics about “Brexit,” Britain’s exit from the European Union, and the potentially terrible impact it will have on the economy.

From The Telegraph:

The European Union is an economic and political union of 28 countries. Each of the countries within the Union are independent but they agree to trade under the agreements made between the nations.

The European Union operates a single market which allows free movement of goods, capital, services and people between member states.

Now that we understand what the EU is, let’s learn the effects of leaving it.  Continue reading “Did England Just Make The Worst Business Decision Of All Time?”

The Real Reason Hillary Needs To Be President

Hillary clinton winkingHello, 18 through 30-year old Democrats that aren’t necessarily feeling “The Bern.” Some might call me a hipster (though I’m pretty most of those are definitely feeling it), but there’s this thing called popularity that I’ve always been wary of. People say, “Hey, see that guy you’d never heard of until 2015? You should totally vote for him.” And I’m like, “Hmm, why?” And they’re like “I dunno. He’s cool! And like, for the people.” Something something money, something something corruption and stuff.

A friend invited me to a Sanders rally and I contemplated going for all of two seconds and then realized that even though I had nothing better to do, I couldn’t consciously attend this event without knowing exactly who this guy was.

Like Sarah Silverman, I’d always been a tried and true Hillary fan, and now that I actually do know more about dear Bernie, I’m still Team Clinton.

The biggest, least-talked about reason America needs Hill and Bill back in the White House is simple: revenge. As soon as Hillary perches her sweet pearls-and-pantsuit-wearing self in that beautifully upholstered Oval Office chair she can start doing what her husband did when he was president, and that, my friends, is GET LAID.

hillary clinton cigar cartoonOnce elected, Hillary is totes going to get her motherfucking Lewinsky on. Having phone sex with Justin Trudeau while shirtless male interns take turns going down on her. Or taking Air Force One to East Asia to put a piping hot cigar up Kim Jong-un’s tight Korean ass. Perhaps a hot lesbian affair with Sarah Palin? Or an equally amazing round of JELL-O wrestling with Palin, Coulter, Bachmann and Davis?

With permission from his dom, Bill may sometimes be allowed to watch. (Participation is an express no-go.)

Winter isn’t coming. Hillary is.

 

Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby

bill cosby bushBill Cosby’s name is on the tip of everyone’s tongues lately for being the unwanted tongue at the tip of pretty much every woman he ever came in contact with, and we’re all sick of his freedom. Even Whoopi Goldberg, who has famously, stubbornly defended horrible people like Michael Vick and Roman Polanski thinks Cosby should be punished.

The latest person to speak out against Cosby is the king of America, President Obama, who sadly doesn’t have to power to revoke a presidential medal Cosby received in 2002, let alone to speed up the process of him getting DP’d by pudding pops in a federal penitentiary.

Continue reading “Obama Has No Tolerance For Bill Cosby”

Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying

Jon Stewart Brian Williams quoteNews anchor Brian Williams has been suspended by NBC for 6 months without pay for saying he was in a helicopter that had to make an emergency landing after coming under fire in Iraq.

To add insult to injury, Williams claimed he told the lie because umm, like, a bunch of helicopters crashed that day and stuff and he was in a helicopter but just not one of those helicopters and he forget that that totally didn’t happen to him at all because he’s got a lot going on, like trying to ignore trolls who send him videos of his daughter getting her ass eaten out.

Continue reading “Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying”

12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons

charlie hebdo islam cartoonThe offices of the newspaper Charlie Hebdo came under gunfire earlier today by three masked men who killed 12 and left two critically injured in the worst attack on France since 1995’s Paris train bombing.

The gunman, who wielded assault rifles and a rocket launcher and yelled “Allahu Akbar” (Allah is the greatest) as they stormed the building, have been identified and the youngest attacker, 18-year-old Hamyd Mourad, has turned himself in. Authorities are working hard to locate the other two men.  Continue reading “12 Dead in France Over Anti-Islamic Cartoons”

Sony Pulls ‘The Interview’ From All Theaters

Kim jong il death scene the interviewSeth Rogen and James Franco’s The Interview has been scrapped from all major theaters by Sony, who also reportedly have NO PLANS to release in on DVD or on demand due to the plot of the entire movie, specifically a scene were their beloved(?) leader Kim Jong-un burns to death in slow motion.

Leaked emails from Rogen himself detailed the gory scene, which apparently included “hair burning,” “face embers” and a “wave of head chunks.” 

Sounds hilarious, right? North Korean hackers didn’t quite think so…

After catching wind of The Interview, a group calling themselves the “Guardians of Peace” threatened to bomb any venue who dared screen it, 9/11 style.

Warning

the interview posterWe will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the
premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

Continue reading “Sony Pulls ‘The Interview’ From All Theaters”

The Five Strains of Ebola, Fear Mongering and the Ebola Boat

ebola fearBeing the utterly neurotic human that I am, I was drifting off to sleep late last night listening to a podcast called “How Ebola Works,” of course and learned a few things, most interestingly, the five strains.

Named after the regions they were discovered in, the strains are: Zaire (Democratic Republic of Congo), Sudan, Bundibugyo (Uganda), Ivory Coast and Reston.

You do not have to worry about Reston or Ivory Coast Ebola unless you’re a monkey. Sudan, Bundibugyo and Zaire Ebola however, are very dangerous to humans.

As far as discovery goes it’s a relatively new player on the deadly virus, infectious scene. I guess we should go back to 1976. It’s actually named for the Ebola River in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

At the time that country was known as Zaire, and even still there’s a strain of Ebola known as Zaire type Ebola, and it’s the deadliest of all.

One thing fellow neurotic, fearful types who listen to How Stuff Works podcasts on deadly diseases at 2:00 a.m. really need to keep in mind:

Ebola is not as easy to contract as you think…

According to Dallas County Health and Human Services Director Zachary Thompson, “It is easier to get the flu than to get Ebola.”

The only two American citizens to contract Ebola so far have been nurses who treated Thomas Eric Duncan, the man who died earlier this month of the virus after flying from West Africa to Texas.

It is completely unlike the common cold in that it is NOT airborne.  Continue reading “The Five Strains of Ebola, Fear Mongering and the Ebola Boat”

Turns Out, Uneducated Pervs DIDN’T Try to Ruin Emma Watson’s Awesome Speech On Feminism

You may have heard about Emma Watson’s extremely insightful and empowering speech to the U.N., which was about equality and feminism being one and the same.

You ALSO may have heard that a bunch of trolls threatened to leak naked pictures of Watson to somehow make her seem like less of a feminist.

The people behind the countdown to Watson’s nude leak were actually a marketing group hired to shut down 4Chan and end the constant invasion of privacy from the hackers behind the Jennifer Lawrence scandal.  Continue reading “Turns Out, Uneducated Pervs DIDN’T Try to Ruin Emma Watson’s Awesome Speech On Feminism”

President Engages in Hand-to-Hand With Gay Cashier

obama gay fistbumpA ballsy man working at Franklin Barbecue in Austin yelled “Equal rights for gay people!” in the vicinity of none other than the president, to which Obama turned and said “Oh, are you gay?”

The man, Daniel Webb, looked at him, cool as a cucumber and responded, “Only when I have sex.”

With even cooler presidential cucumber coolness, Bama held out his fist, knuckles out and said “bump me.”

A Gif Celebration of Gay Marriage Being Legal in Oregon


Throw your Home Depot gift cards in the air like you just don’t care, because gay marriage was just legalized in Oregon, officially making the entire West Coast a haven for men in leather and women in plaid boning in the middle of church and children’s bouncy castles.

And I’m speaking solely from the perspective of Oregonian FB commenters with too much time on their hands. Here’s what one Geoff Davey, voice of all homophobes, wrote:

A GAY RULING BY A SINGLE GAY JUDGE, Real surprise here. Why can’t men be men and women be women anymore, seriously? Is this some kind of evolutionary thing? if it wasn’t for the “wonders” of modern medicine, the human race would be doomed as procreation is not naturally possible through the anus or by one female licking the vagina of another.

Because with 7 billion people on the planet and the environment crumbling as a direct result, we really need to worry about the 15% who might not reproduce. 

Speaking of percentages, Portland seemed pretty happy about the news, and at least 70 couples rushed to the courthouse for licenses since the ban on same-sex marriage was lifted.

As amazing as this is, let’s take a moment to remember Eric Marcoux and Eugene Woodworth, the adorable old man-couple profiled by NPR last year, who were together since 1953 and just barely missed the ruling in their home state.

Not just them, but all the gay rights pioneers, past and present, who paved the way for future generations to not live in fear.  Continue reading “A Gif Celebration of Gay Marriage Being Legal in Oregon”

9/11 Memorial Features a Gift Shop Next to Human Remains, $24 Entrance Fee

9:11 memorial museum
Victim’s relatives are outraged over the museum built as a tribute to those lost during the September 11 terrorist attacks, calling it a greedy, disrespectful mess.

The museum oddly features a gift shop adjacent to 8,000 unidentified human remains. It also costs $24 to visit, along with an extra $10 bucks or so for a stuffed animal, you know, in case you wanted to get super ripped off in the process of remembering dead family members.

From ABC:

Jim Riches doesn’t plan on visiting. His son Jimmy, a firefighter, was 29 when he died in the attacks. It took more than six months to find some of Jimmy’s remains. The rest, Riches believes, are unidentified and in the repository.

“My son’s friends are going to have to pay $24 to go down and pay their respects,” Riches said. “I think that’s a disgrace. It’s the only cemetery in the world where you have to pay a fee to get in.”

Diane and Kurt Horning tells ABC News they’re appalled by what they’re calling “greed and commercialism.” They lost their son Matt Horning in the twin towers.

Continue reading “9/11 Memorial Features a Gift Shop Next to Human Remains, $24 Entrance Fee”

Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins

russian attack dolphinsNow that former Ukraine president Viktor Yanukovich is gone, the two countries are going through a nasty falling out, with macho Russian prez Putin taking back a fleet of war ships and now battle dolphins.

True story. Back in the ’60s, when Ukraine and Russia were one big Soviet family, the military began training dolphins as a means of defense in a top-secret division of the navy that was “restarted a few years ago” according to ABC.com.

The highly intelligent mammals (along with sea lions, apparently) were recruited for tasks such as “patrolling open waters with detection devices,” “defending against mines and enemy divers” (operation non-human shield?), and “attack missions.”  Continue reading “Putin Just Repossessed Ukraine’s Attack Dolphins”

Michele Bachmann is Afraid of the Big Bad GAY

michele bachmann gay agendaMichele Bachmann called the gay community a bunch of bullies in an interview with Lars Larson about the vetoing of Arizona’s pro-discrimination SB 1062 bill, telling the world that they strike fear into politicians and “dictate the agenda.”

“There’s nothing about gays in there. But the gay community decided to make this their measure,” Bachmann said. “I think the thing that is getting a little tiresome, the gay community, they have so bullied the American people, and they’ve so intimidated politicians.”

Where was Sarah Palin to add, “I agree! The next thing you know, people will be marrying donkeys and toasters”?

Okay, well, I think the amount of conservative, blue-collar types that want to beat up gay Americans and the amount of liberals who want to beat up Michele Bachmann are about the same.

Does telling her to always be ready for the armbar and an overly ripe kiwi to the face make me a bully?

Michelle Obama Makes an Otherwise Boring Meeting With the Miami Heat Interesting

Everyone knows Ms. Bama and her husband are super active and into basketball, football, hell, all the ball sports, and during a visit with LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Ray Allen, coach Erik Spoelstra, 50-year-old Michelle Obama showed impressive jumping and dunking skills in the background of an otherwise boring talk between Wade, Allen and the coach. The toothy faces her and LeBron make after the dunk might have you wishing for a buddy comedy starring the two of them as boisterous siblings or longtime besties coping with adulthood.

Gahhh. Michelle Obama is so fucking adorable. If she wasn’t so obsessed with abolishing fast food / shoving apple slices in everyone’s mouths I would want her to adopt me.

A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies

Obama funeral selfieEven though people have been twerking and taking selfies since before the invention MTV and polaroid cameras, 2013 was the year we gave these occurrences a title that even your most out-of-touch relative might causally drop into a sentence.

Just the other day Obama was called out for taking a “selfie,” (a “self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a hand-held digital camera or camera phone” according to Wiki), at a funeral.

Not just a funeral, but the funeral of Africa’s most beloved icon of peace, equality and freedom: Nelson Mandela.

The Obamas are as American as a family can get, one that often partakes in selfie-taking. For instance, here is one of Michelle with her and Barack’s Portuguese Water Dog Bo…  Continue reading “A [Very] Brief History of Obama Selfies”

Canadian Mayor Says He Has ‘More Than Enough’ P*ssy to Eat at Home

Rob Ford mayor wifeMarried trainwreck mayor of Toronto Rob Ford stood in front of a room full of press yesterday to deny a whole mess of things, including telling one of his staff members that he wanted to eat her out.

Ford, a notorious partier and admitted crack user said, “I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home. Thank you very much.”

This kind of thing would never fly in America, but if I had to compare his attitude to two people I’d go with Rex Ryan and Vladimir Putin. Amount of f*cks given: 0.0.