Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos

A slightly misleading but still incredible NME article says “US First Lady Michelle Obama to release hip-hop album.” Don’t get your hopes up too high, internet…

Mich O. won’t actually be singing on said album, she’s just organizing it for educational purposes. You know her deal, getting kids to replace delicious fried food with food that is good for you and tastes like unseasoned gelatinous hippie pit sweat (but at least makes you poop consistently).

Artists included on the compilation Songs For A Healthier America are Darryl ‘DMC’ McDaniels, Travis Barker, Ashanti, Doug E. Fresh, Jordin Sparks and Matisyahu.

Michelle will only be appearing in videos for songs like “U R What You Eat,” “Veggie Luv” and “Everybody” (download for free HERE if you dare and/or care), but I still keep imagining them turning out like this: (Take it away, Mary Sue / Let his love bust a cap in your butt and say HALLELUJAH!) Or this: Continue reading “Michelle Obama to Appear in Health-Conscious Hip Hop Videos”

Anthony Weiner Not Finished, More News to Come

Anthony Weiner memeIn today’s TMI news, we’ve learned more and more about Anthony Weiner than we ever wanted to. As if numerous dick pics weren’t enough, the woman involved with Weiner has claimed the politician is terrible at phone sex, and that she never had the chance to get off because Weiner would typically ejaculate after about 30 seconds.

Seriously dude, are you thirteen years old? Are you that horny? How have you not learned that phone sex is a beautiful thing that should be savored and last more than the length of a TV commercial?

The woman believed that she and Weiner were in love (LOL), but would often feel used after their phone sessions because she didn’t feel like she was getting any attention. I swear, politicians these days are such dicks.

Weiner has some long, hard days ahead – the hopeful mayor of New York City is in the midst of his second sex scandal, but he’s showing no signs of pulling out of the race.

Continue reading “Anthony Weiner Not Finished, More News to Come”

Obama: “Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me”

obama trayvon martin 1On Friday Obama gave a very personal and heartfelt speech about the shooting of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman’s not guilty verdict, which caused outrage across America in the form of protests large enough to shut down freeways in L.A.

“You know, when Trayvon Martin was first shot I said that this could have been my son,” Obama said of the teen who was gunned down by the neighborhood watch captain in Sanford, Florida in 2012. “Another way of saying that is Trayvon Martin could have been me 35 years ago.”

“And when you think about why, in the African-American community at least, there’s a lot of pain around what happened here, I think it’s important to recognize that the African-American community is looking at this issue through a set of experiences and a history that doesn’t go away,” he continued.  Continue reading “Obama: “Trayvon Martin Could Have Been Me””

Check Out Obama’s Groovy Hawaiian Prom Photo

Obama prom picture
Awww. Look at Barry in 1979 all decked out in a lei with his bottle poppin’ best friend and their dates.

With the help of the brunette on his left (Kelli Allman), Time Magazine released two photos of 17-year-old Obama at the dance in honor of the Millions of American teenagers who will go to prom this year.

The guy in the white pants (Greg Orme) was Barack’s basketball teammate at Punahou School in Honolulu and brother from another mother, according to Allman.  CLICK for bonus ’70s fun-time photo

Vladimir Putin Enjoys Long Walks on the Beach and Nude Protests

Putin topless women GermanyOn Monday, Russian president Vladimir Putin gave a double thumbs-up to a topless protester in Germany who came bouncing towards him like Michelle Jenneke. The girl was in Hanover with the women’s rights group Femen, opposed to the treatment of the band Pussy Riot, who were jailed in 2012 for “premeditated hooliganism.”

Putin understandably missed the part where they  yelled “f*ck you” and called him a dictator, reportedly telling a translator afterwards that they were “pretty” and he “liked” how they approached him. Via NPR:

Putin told reporters he “couldn’t see if they were blond or brunettes. … I don’t see anything horrifying in what they did.” He also quipped that while it’s better to keep one’s clothes on during protests, “it’s not so cold out — so they can also do it this way.”  Continue reading “Vladimir Putin Enjoys Long Walks on the Beach and Nude Protests”

Sarah Palin Sticks it to Mayor Bloomberg

Sarah Palin Big Gulp Sarah Palin celebrated Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on soda falling through the cracks by sipping a 600-calorie Big Gulp at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference where I assume Republicans vent their anger by burning popsicle stick abortion clinics and chanting “Legitimate rape, Obama h8!”

“Bloomberg is not around, our Big Gulps are safe. We’re cool. Shoot, it’s just pop with low-cal ice-cubes in it,” Palin told the crowd.

I’m with glasses. Somehow, all the way on the West Coast, the word of a proposed ban on oversized sodas made me sympathize with gun-nuts. After all, my freedoms as a future diabeetus-having ‘Merican were being trampled by donkeys.  Continue reading “Sarah Palin Sticks it to Mayor Bloomberg”

Dennis Rodman Wants Obama and Kim Jong-un to Bond Over Basketball

Dennis Rodman Kim Jong Un drinkingBROMANCE ALERT. Dennis Rodman is back from his trip to North Korea where he and the Harlem Globetrotters were allowed to meet with “lifelong” basketball fan Kim Jong-un, son of former nightmarish dictator (and butt of lesbian jokes) Kim Jong-il.

In an interview with George Stephanopoulos on ABC, Rodman, who seems to have picked up a Barbados accent during his travels, tried his hand at foreign affairs, pleading for the president to have a talk with his new best friend.

“He wants Obama to do one thing: Call him,” the five-time NBA championship ring-holder told Stephanopoulos, adding that Kim does not want to “do war.”  Continue reading “Dennis Rodman Wants Obama and Kim Jong-un to Bond Over Basketball”

George Bush Hacker Leaks Dubya Bath and Shower Pics

george bush painting Did I say “bath and shower” pics? Because I mean drawings. Sorry, sickos. To the left is an actual photo of George Bush THE ARTIST.

Naked George Jr. by camera may be more “valuable” in terms of Google searches and common perverse curiosity, but you and I both know that a self-portrait of him soaking his feet in the tub is somehow priceless.

This is the result of a hacker (thus the giant “Guccif[er]” logo, though I think “Bushwhacker” is way better) who leaked the content of the entire family’s phones and email accounts.

Let go of your past feelings. That whole worst president of all time who made up words, aimed his bellows at the recession and “forgot” the people of New Orleans thing. Ancient history.

Continue reading “George Bush Hacker Leaks Dubya Bath and Shower Pics”

NO ONE Sings The National Anthem Like Beyonce

Beyonce Obama InaugurationBeyonce is garnering perfect reviews across the board after effortlessly performing the National Anthem at Obama’s inauguration earlier today. Gawker described her voice as “more heavenly than a thousand Hallelujah choruses,” and I can’t really disagree.

Her rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” is comparable only to the one that lady sang at the Panthers vs. Patriots Super Bowl in 2004. Oh oh, that was Beyonce too? Never mind.

Singing this is easier for her than talking, addition problems for preschoolers, or stealing sugar-free candy from Paula Deen’s purse while she’s window shopping for butter.  Continue reading “NO ONE Sings The National Anthem Like Beyonce”

Obama Proposes Civilian Assault Weapon Ban and Background Checks For All Firearm Buyers

Obama gun conferenceAfter over a month of depressing post-Sandy Hook gun “solutions” from the NRA, one Piers Morgan deportation petition and a million opinions from every political and non-political corner of the earth, Obama has finally set a plan in motion to combat rampant gun-related homicides in America.

During a press conference on Wednesday morning, Obama proposed legislation that would require criminal background checks for all gun sales and ban assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets to anyone but law enforcement and military officials.

“[Gun violence] has terrible consequence for our society … and if we can only do one thing to stop it, we should all try and do that,” he told a crowd of reporters at the televised event.  Continue reading “Obama Proposes Civilian Assault Weapon Ban and Background Checks For All Firearm Buyers”

Newark Mayor Cory Booker Stopped Hating Gays in 1992 (Naturally, Everyone Now Thinks He’s Gay)

Cory Booker gayAn opinion piece from the Stanford Daily’s archives reveals that Newark, New Jersey mayor and potential senator Cory Booker’s gay college counselor cured his homophobia.

In 1992, Booker wrote that he was “disgusted by gays” until a Stanford therapist shared his life story and the stories of the physical attacks and verbal condemnations of others like him.

It was chilling to find that so much of the testimony he shared with me was almost identical to stories my grandparents told me about growing up Black.

And here’s the part that made everyone wonder if Cory Booker is gay himself…  Continue reading “Newark Mayor Cory Booker Stopped Hating Gays in 1992 (Naturally, Everyone Now Thinks He’s Gay)”

Jennifer Aniston, Beyonce and Other Big Names Say ‘It’s Time’ To Prevent Gun Violence

Beyonce Jennifer Aniston gun controlJulianne Moore, Paul Rudd, Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, Jon Hamm, Jessica Alba, Chris Rock, Michelle Williams, Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston, Steve Carell, Beyonce and many more have come together to deliver an important message on gun control.

The PSA was put together by Demand A Plan, which was launched by the collective Mayors Against Illegal Guns after the tragedy in Newtown, with a goal to change America’s lax gun laws.

Their website includes an option to sign a petition that ultimately looks to ban assault rifles, make gun trafficking a federal crime and criminal background checks a requirement for potential gun owners.

Continue reading “Jennifer Aniston, Beyonce and Other Big Names Say ‘It’s Time’ To Prevent Gun Violence”

Coming Soon to IMAX: Queen Elizabeth’s Christmas Speech!

Queen Elizabeth red coatFirst the Pope joins Twitter, and now the Queen is in 3D. What’s next, The Celebrity Apprentice in space? The Guardian is reporting that Sky News (who have recently added 3D golf and soccer to their programming), will broadcast Queen Elizabeth II’s speech on Christmas day in 3D.

“What’s the highlight of her speech? Like she’s going to give one hand gesture and people will be like ‘Remember when the hand came at you?'” Chelsea Lately round table member Ryan Stout wondered.

A spokeswoman for the palace said The Queen “agreed straight away” and needed no convincing to have her likeness glaring and waving her finger in an extra dimension on Jesus’ birthday.  Continue reading “Coming Soon to IMAX: Queen Elizabeth’s Christmas Speech!”

NRA Blames Video Games, Says We Need More Guns

National Rifle Association Holds News Conference In Wake Of Newtown School ShootingToday, after a week-long silence (out of “respect for the families” in Sandy Hook), NRA President David Keene and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre spoke in a press conference about the tragedies in Connecticut.

After emphasizing that the National Rifle Association of America is made up of “4 million mothers, fathers, sons and daughters,” LaPierre blamed movies, music videos and video games like Grand Theft Auto (Saint’s Row is probably worse), Bulletstorm (only purchased by fans for the Gears of War 3 beta code), Splatterhouse (no one plays that anymore) and Kindergarten Killer (no one ever played that).  Continue reading “NRA Blames Video Games, Says We Need More Guns”

Victoria Jackson Found a Way to Relate a ‘Million’ Abortions to Sandy Hook

Victoria Jackson american flagThe tragedy in Newtown has evoked sympathy from around the nation, and with that sympathy comes…. a few extremists who should be disallowed from opinion-sharing, like Westboro Baptist picketers, people who blamed the video game Mass Effect, Louie Gohmert, and Victoria Jackson.

Jackson, a former SNL alum, is now famous for sad but hilarious tea party rants like the one after Obama was re-elected, where she wrote that she couldn’t stop crying because “America died.” Also, Glee turns kids gay.

In her latest, and possibly craziest yet, she compares the child victims at Sandy Hook Elementary to aborted babies. From FacebookContinue reading “Victoria Jackson Found a Way to Relate a ‘Million’ Abortions to Sandy Hook”

Another Elementary School Shooting, Another Day to Not Talk About Gun Control

Connecticut shooting 2012Nearly 30 people, including at least 20 children, were gunned down this morning at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut just three days after the Clackamas mall shooting in Oregon.

News outlets, politicians and the Twitter/Reddit/Facebook generation are bringing their boxing gloves to the table today either in favor, or against a forum on stricter laws regarding guns. In one corner, we have men and women who, at some point, felt threatened enough by their surroundings to “need” a gun or two to “survive,” standing by others from rural red counties who were taught to hunt and clean a rifle at age seven.  Continue reading “Another Elementary School Shooting, Another Day to Not Talk About Gun Control”

Do Michelle Obama and Madonna Belong on a List of the 25 ‘Least Influential’ People?

GQ just released their list of various politicians, sports figures, musicians and Hollywood figures who they consider to be the least influential, and there are more than a few inclusions that just don’t sit right.

Amanda Bynes and Gotye: yes, Michelle Obama, hell no.

Forget that she’s the first lady, Mrs. O is actually somebody worth idolizing.

Seeing that her entry (number seven) is accompanied by a picture of her snarfing down Haagen Daz straight out of the container in a bath robe, it’s clear that the compiler of this list merely dislikes her vendetta against fast food.  Continue reading “Do Michelle Obama and Madonna Belong on a List of the 25 ‘Least Influential’ People?”