Every Thing Miley Cyrus DID At The 2015 VMAs

miley drag queen vmasA lot of folks are talking about what Miley Cyrus wore at the 2015 Video Music Awards, and while she did earn the title of Space Skank and Juicy Fruit Whore with her many neon, crotch-framing outfits, her hosting gig was about more than just costume changes. Here are a few things she did:

1. Became a feminist. I wasn’t aware that appearing in tired sketches about getting high with rappers and “accidentally” showing some nip from behind a curtain equalled feminism, but website-I-usually-respect Pajiba says she’s “spurring a new wave of sexual revolution like Madonna did in the 80s.”

By having such obvious fun with her body in a way that mocks the Male Gaze, she’s challenging society’s concept of women’s bodies.

By this logic, every scantily clad, kinda weird pop star is a feminist. Grace Jones, yes. Gaga, maybe. Miley, NO.

2. Got called out by Nicki Minaj. I thought for sure Nicki Jekyll and Hydeing from sweet to pissed while accepting the Best Hip-Hop Video award for “Anaconda” was fake. She was visibly laughing while referencing an interview where Cyrus called her “not very polite” for the way she handled the Taylor Swift feud (a beef that was probably created solely to be squashed during the show’s intro), but according to MTV, the moment was 100% unscripted.

miley what's good

And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press, Miley what’s good?

It was much more amusing that Nicki randomly thanked her pastor in her speech, but whatever.

3. Announced a new, free album. It’s called Dead Petz, was inspired by The Flaming Lips and has a lot to do with weed being more available than ever. Witness the lyrics to “Pablow The Blowfish:”

Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so bad
on Saturday night we all went out to eat
I can never decide, so someone chose sushi
I got soup, I ordered rice, but watching my friends eat my friends ruined my appetite

Suspiciously similar to “My Little Locked Room” from Slackers, right?

Things are at least a bit more clear on “Bang Me Box:”

I wanna touch it so bad, it’s almost like I can feel it on my fingertips
I want yours inside of me but don’t forget where I like licking babe
I want you to bang my box

Is she sadder about her dead fish friend than she is horny for Stella Maxwell?

4. Danced with drag queens. Miley turnt it all the way up (though nothing was more exciting than Ye’s announcement about Kim Kardashian being the potential first lady of the United States of America) for her performance of “Do It” with a hoard of humpy drag queens. A scene that surely continued Bieber’s epic fit of tears over his own awesomeness fear of heights.

5. Pissed off black people. Miley drew criticism from Chance The Rapper (among others) on Twitter for her Gone In Sixty Seconds dreadlocks and use of the word “mammy” while talking about her grandma in a skit featuring Snoop Dogg, but was it really any worse than her Kim K joke?

Kim Kardashian, I mean have you guys seen those nipples? I am so jealous of the baby in there.

According to the internet dictionary, the term mammy can refer to “one’s mother (especially as a child’s word)” or a black nursemaid in charge of white children.

6. Showed concern for The Weeknd’s hair. After the Weeknd’s show-stopping rendition of “I Can’t Feel My Face” (in the sort-of words of Kathleen Madigan, “I hope it’s not Bell’s Palsy”), long-hair-don’t-care Miley called Mr. Tesfaye a braver soul than she.

All that fire, and all that hair? I mean, I’ll do almost anything, but that is where I draw the line. That shit is fucking crazy.

So I wasn’t the only one having flashbacks to one of The Weeknd’s biggest influences, Michael Jackson, getting second-degree burns during his Pepsi commercial?

 

HBO ‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Season 5, Episode 1

Young-Cersei-Lannister

‘Game of Thrones‘ is officially underway, and as usual, showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss managed to make a lot happen in the latest 50 minute-long episode of the hit HBO series.

***Warning: spoilers ahead***

The season five premiere, titled “The Wars to Come,” opens with a glimpse of a young Cersei Lannister fearlessly convincing a friend to approach a witch’s hut with her. While Cersei doesn’t suffer the fate of fellow classic fantasy-characters Hansel and Gretel, it wouldn’t be a George R. R. Martin production without a little bloodshed and heartache.

“You’ll never wed the prince, you’ll wed the king,” the messy-haired sorceress tells Cersei after commanding her to prick her finger. “You’ll be queen, for a time,” she ominously continues. “In comes another, younger, more beautiful, to cast you down and take all you hold dear. The king will have twenty children, and you will have three. Gold will be their crowns, gold their shrouds.”

In one short scene, Cersei learns much of what we know about her adult life. From Margaery Tyrell‘s marriage to Tommen, to Robert Baratheon‘s bastard sons and her incestual relationship with Jaime Lannister.  Continue reading “HBO ‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Season 5, Episode 1”

OITNB Actress Shed 50 Pounds in 7 Months

Big boo weight lossLea DeLaria, who plays Big Boo on Orange is the New Black credits her weight loss to diabetes.

“What you need to do is, first contract diabetes. Two, take the medication that they give you for diabetes,” she told reporters at an annual dinner for New York’s LGBT Community Center.

“[I was] told that you can either eat potatoes or have beer,” DeLaria, who has lost a whopping 50 pounds since Sept. 2014, said. “So I went with beer.”  Continue reading “OITNB Actress Shed 50 Pounds in 7 Months”

Howard Stern Doesn’t Think Natalia Kills Should Have Been Fired

Natalia Kills Howard SternAmerican’s Got Talent judge Howard Stern has weighed in on the Natalia Kills / Willy Moon firing over at The X Factor New Zealand.

Like the rest of the United States, Stern and Robin Quivers barely knew who Natalia was (Quivers accidentally called her “Natalie”). Stern thought Natalia and her husband went too far, but didn’t agree with them being fired because “they asked for her opinion.”

“They were outrageous,” Stern said. “They made a personal attack on a guy who didn’t deserve it. I felt the two judges were just a**holes.”  Continue reading “Howard Stern Doesn’t Think Natalia Kills Should Have Been Fired”

Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ List DID NOT Include Joan Rivers

joan and melissa rivers first red carpet interviewThe 87th Academy Awards had plenty of time for a guitar-playing Batman, Sean Penn making green card jokes and embarrassing Dakota Johnson, but NO time for their longtime employee, Joan Rivers. 

Rivers — a woman who epitomized show business and the Oscars in general — was snubbed from the show’s In Memoriam segment that included and multiple marketing directors, producers and sound editors.

Let me remind you that at one time, Joan was the only one who did red carpet commentary. She is also the the inventor of “Who are you wearing?”, not to mention a very accomplished comedian, writer, actress and co-host.  Continue reading “Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ List DID NOT Include Joan Rivers”

Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying

Jon Stewart Brian Williams quoteNews anchor Brian Williams has been suspended by NBC for 6 months without pay for saying he was in a helicopter that had to make an emergency landing after coming under fire in Iraq.

To add insult to injury, Williams claimed he told the lie because umm, like, a bunch of helicopters crashed that day and stuff and he was in a helicopter but just not one of those helicopters and he forget that that totally didn’t happen to him at all because he’s got a lot going on, like trying to ignore trolls who send him videos of his daughter getting her ass eaten out.

Continue reading “Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months For Lying”

Dancing Shark is Real Super Bowl Winner

katy perry shark memeEven two years later, nothing beats Beyonce’s unflattering Super Bowl photos, but Katy Perry’s out-of-sync dancing shark, Wiimote and lion are trying their best.

Like the Packers against the Seahawks in the playoffs, Seattle had the game completely in the bag but failed, deciding to pass the ball at the end of the 4th with the end zone just inches from Marshawn Lynch’s face. Tom Brady jumped for joy as Russell Wilson threw the game-losing interception to Malcolm Butler, ending it at 28 to 24.  Continue reading “Dancing Shark is Real Super Bowl Winner”

Trailer: Game of Thrones Season 5

All your favorite, scattered medieval peeps are returning in April and instead of finding each other they’re going to die get even more spread out! (See Varys and bearded Tyrion drifting towards the Khaleesi, Arya all by her lonesome in Bravos.)
  
Various websites keep telling me that season 5 may kill me be a “tough watch” for attached fans and Sansa is going to go through an “intense trauma,” so not only are more Starks going to die, but prepare to get bombarded with new characters like Oberyn’s daughters and brother, the High Sparrow and more!  Continue reading “Trailer: Game of Thrones Season 5”

Today, J.D. Salinger Would Have Been a Sex Offender

Jd salinger jean millerThe documentary Salinger on Netflix is very interesting, and not only because of the countless fans who would show up unannounced at J.D. Salinger’s house and leave notes asking for “some answer to something in their lives,” the journalist hired to sneak a photo of an aging, highly reclusive Salinger, or even John Lennon’s killer’s obsession with Catcher in the Rye that stuck me about the film. It was his repeated relationships with underage and much younger women, which are highlighted in detail for the duration of Salinger.

1. In 1941, at age 21, Salinger began dating 16-year-old Oona O’Neil, “debutante of the year” and daughter of Nobel prize-winning playwright Eugene O’Neill who was photographed by yesteryear’s paparazzi at clubs with a glass of milk because she wasn’t old enough to consume alcohol.

2. In May of 1946, not long after suffering a nervous breakdown during his time in WWII, Salinger met and married Sylvia Louise Welter, a member of the Nazi party. At 27, she was hardly underage, but this relationship is interesting not only because Salinger himself was Jewish but because it only lasted less than a month after they had returned to the States.

He didn’t try to kiss me or hug me or squeeze me or anything the way other people did. Maybe I was too old for him. I think he liked younger girls. I was only 7 years younger, I think maybe he preferred 12 years. Younger than that…

-Leila Hadley Luce, friend

3. At age 30, after his annulment to Sylvia Louise, Salinger began a platonic relationship with Jean Miller, then 14, who describes walking along the pier and sharing popcorn and ice cream with him. “I was fresh and new like a breath of spring,” she says.

4. Salinger met his second wife, Claire Douglas, when she was 19. They married when she was 21 and he was 36. The 15-year age difference wasn’t the problem, it was his refusal to attend to Claire or his children while writing Franny and Zooey in a shed on their property.

Thinking back on the guys who sat around the poker table, what distinguished Jerry out of that pack was that there was in him no doubt that he was going to be published, no doubt that he had an enormous talent, and no doubt that everybody else at the poker table was inferior to him.

-A.E. Hotchner, friend of both Ernest Hemingway and J.D. Salinger

5. In 1965, after Salinger, 54, published his very last story, he sent a letter to 18-year-old writer Joyce Maynard after she appeared on the cover of New York Times Magazine. They lived together shortly, but the relationship ended when Salinger told Maynard he was not interested in having any more children. She went on to write about her time with him, which of course made Salinger almost as irate as the time his editor put a comma in one of his short stories without his approval.

Read: Why Joyce Maynard Is Right About J.D. Salinger

 

 

 

Is Bruce Jenner Actually Becoming a Woman?

Bruce Jenner transitionAfter reading countless gossip articles telling us basically that the Jenner/Kardashian patriarch Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman all because he likes to wear his hair in a ponytail, I decided the “news” was probably nonsense, but finally, after seeing him with, as the Washington Post points out, long highlighted hair, a French manicure, diamond earrings and lip gloss and his own stepdaughter Kim Kardashian confirming that he’s filming a docuseries about his “journey,” it seems that yes, Bruce Jenner is actually becoming a woman.

An Us Weekly source alleges that Bruce has wanted to transition from male to female, or at least enjoyed wearing women’s clothing, since his Olympic golden days.  Continue reading “Is Bruce Jenner Actually Becoming a Woman?”

Nancy Grace Gets Panties in a Wad Over Marijuana Legalization for the 100th Time, Yells at Dr. Drew

nancy grace pot meme2 Chainz and Nancy won’t-listen-to-reason Grace made headlines when they duked it out over whether or not weed is dangerous, and of course 2 Chainz was the rational one.

In a new debate, Nancy made a fool of herself in front of Dr. Drew. (Though Dr. Drew almost beat her out on that front when he sorta kinda said he was for the legalization of meth.) Anyway, since not a lot of kids or women have gone missing or been shot lately, Nancy’s personal marijuana vendetta has grown into a Pacific Rim-sized monster that no one, not even Nancy herself, can put a stop to.  Continue reading “Nancy Grace Gets Panties in a Wad Over Marijuana Legalization for the 100th Time, Yells at Dr. Drew”

Dan Castellaneta Does 26 ‘Simpsons’ Voices

Simpsons voice chart
Hank Azaria is frequently and rightfully praised for his voice acting on The Simpsons, where he embodies Moe, Apu, Cletus, Snake and many more, BUT let’s not forget that Dan Castellaneta is the voice of 26 regulars including Homer since its 1989 premiere.

I’d like to see charts for H. Jon Benjamin, the lead on both Archer AND Bob’s Burger’s, and John DiMaggio (Jake The Dog on Adventure Time and Bender on Futurama).

Ross Geller is Khloe, Kim, Kourtney and Rob’s Father

ross robert kardashianDavid Schwimmer – the man we will probably always know as Ross Geller from Friends – is playing Robert Kardashian in an FX series created by Ryan Murphy called American Crime Story, which is the same concept as American Horror Story but with less dead people, more court cases and just as many famous people (Sarah Paulson, Cuba Gooding Jr.). The first season tells the story of O.J. Simpson from the perspective of those involved with the case, also focusing on the police’s “history with the African-American community in Los Angeles at the time.”

Continue reading “Ross Geller is Khloe, Kim, Kourtney and Rob’s Father”

The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes

Jessica Chastain goldeng globesWhen it came to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Bill Cosby joke at the Golden Globes, you were either laughing hysterically (Lena Dunham) or completely losing your sh*t (Jessica Chastain). So fun seeing harmless Clooney’s-wife-could-do-better and Meryl Streep-has-a-million-awards jokes turn into I PUT THE PILLS IN THE PEOPLE.

There were of course other funny moments from the monologue which are being a tad overshadowed…

1. Amy, to Frances McDormand: Frances, I love you. Can I just say you’re the only person in this room that I would save in a fire?

2. Tina: George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.

3. Amy: I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape, I don’t want to just see myself up there on the screen.

4. Amy, on Reese Witherspoon in Wild: She did all of her own walking … Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.  Continue reading “The Best Non-Cosby Jokes from the Globes”

Fred Armisen is Someone Basically All Women Should Avoid

Take what anonymous commenters on the internet have to say with a grain of salt, but there are just too many similar stories about Portlandia pioneer and Late Night bandleader Fred Armisen not being the fun, nice nerd-guy you imagine for it to be a coincidence.

Before and after Armisen’s ex-wife Elisabeth Moss publicly called being married to him “traumatic” and “horrible,” many non-famous women have taken to the internet to share their experiences. Apparently, Fred likes to keep girls on the side. Girls that he is very attentive and sweet with until he gets what he wants, and while his marriage to Moss might not have broken up because he was “sleeping with prostitutes,” as one commenter suggested, one woman did say this:

Fred got me pregnant, I had a miscarriage and he abandoned me.

And that’s not a stand-alone statement just coming out of nowhere. There are handfuls of people using the words “sociopath,” “cheater” and “asshole” to describe him.

He’s also very funny, so if you have a vagina, turn on your TV and laugh at him from afar. Or just work with him be gay. That seems to work for Carrie Brownstein.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner, Then and Now

kendall and kylie then and now

Everything these days seems to be about Kendall and Kylie Jenner, from who they’re dating to detailed breakdowns of every pore, shadow and cocktail dress on Instagram.

Flashback to 2007: a more innocent time, when Kylie and Kendall were just kids, laughing and swinging on their sister’s stripper pole. Before Kimye, when Paris Hilton was famous and Rob was skinny and their parents were still technically together but living at separate addresses and dating other people. Weren’t they cute?  Continue reading “Kylie and Kendall Jenner, Then and Now”