Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ List DID NOT Include Joan Rivers

joan and melissa rivers first red carpet interviewThe 87th Academy Awards had plenty of time for a guitar-playing Batman, Sean Penn making green card jokes and embarrassing Dakota Johnson, but NO time for their longtime employee, Joan Rivers. 

Rivers — a woman who epitomized show business and the Oscars in general — was snubbed from the show’s In Memoriam segment that included and multiple marketing directors, producers and sound editors.

Let me remind you that at one time, Joan was the only one who did red carpet commentary. She is also the the inventor of “Who are you wearing?”, not to mention a very accomplished comedian, writer, actress and co-host.  Continue reading “Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ List DID NOT Include Joan Rivers”

Jennifer Lawrence’s Best Friend (Who is Not You) and Boyfriend (Also Not You) Sing Her Praises

Jennifer Lawrence Nicholas Hoult Oscars 2014If you watched (or read about) the Oscars you may have noticed Jennifer Lawrence – dolphin in a sea of sharks, America’s charmingly shocked, clumsy and down-to-earth sweetheart – falling on the red carpet, presenting Best Actor to Matthew McConaughey (who memorably spoke of his father in heaven drinking beer in his underwear) and taking a Twitter-breaking selfie with Ellen, Bradley Cooper and a lot of other people with perfect skin who poop uncut diamonds.

Jennifer Lawrence is in fact so special and loved, she has separate dates to sit and walk with. Bestie Laura Simpson took the arrival honors, lending an arm-flailing Lawrence her neck and “freshly done Lauren Conrad up do” to break her fall, while longtime Brit boyfriend Nicholas Hoult (About a Boy, Skins, X-Men: First Class) appeared as her grinning, televised chair warmer.  Continue reading “Jennifer Lawrence’s Best Friend (Who is Not You) and Boyfriend (Also Not You) Sing Her Praises”

Oscar Predictions: ‘American Hustle’ Will Probably Win Best Picture, But Like Jon Snow, I Know Nothing

jennifer lawrence thank god for me kitchen fire american hustle gif
The Oscar nominations list has been released and the important categories (best picture, actor, actress etc.) include a whole lot of the same non-crap we saw at the Globes, and I have a lot of questions.

Does Sandra Bullock spinning through fake space in a tank top and booty shorts constitute a nomination or is she just too beloved by the world Academy to ever not be honored?

Can Leonardo DiCaprio score his first win for the most picked-apart movie of the year, The Wolf of Wall Street? If Ralph Fiennes couldn’t win for Schindler’s List, then no, he can’t.

Like me, they still see Leo as the baby-faced Romeo who fucked Tilda Swinton on a beach.

I didn’t see Nebraska, Philomena (or “Phil-o-mania,” as DiCaprio called it last Sunday), 12 Years a Slave, Dallas Buyers Club OR Captain Phillips, so I’m rooting for the one I did see and liked. [David O.] Russell’s [AmericanHustle, not because it had an original premise, but because Christian Bale, Jeremy Renner, Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence are golden Gods and Goddesses all worthy of a statue or two.

Continue reading “Oscar Predictions: ‘American Hustle’ Will Probably Win Best Picture, But Like Jon Snow, I Know Nothing”

Quvenzhané Wallis is the Best Academy Award Nominee Ever [WINNERS LIST]

Quvenzhané Wallis flexingInstead of an Oscar, Quvenzhané Wallis won our hearts.

The 9-year-old Beasts of the Southern Wild actress clutched a puppy purse on the red carpet, telling Ryan Seacrest she chose her adorably adult Armani dress because it was “sparkly and fluffy.”

The two times clips of Beasts were thrown on the monitor during the ceremony, she flexed her tiny muscles like her character in the “I’m the man” scene of her film and smiled a broad and innocent smile more infectious than bird flu.

During a live Tweet of the Oscars, satirical publication The Onion decided it would be funny to call her the c-word. Because… shock value?

Continue reading “Quvenzhané Wallis is the Best Academy Award Nominee Ever [WINNERS LIST]”

Ethan Hawke Thinks The Oscars are ‘Destructive’ and Pointless

Ethan Hawke crazyEthan Hawke couldn’t care less that the 85th Annual Academy Awards are today.

During a sit-down with Zoe Kazan, the co-star of his off-broadway play Clive, Hawke expressed his hatred for the competitive aspect of the event.

“It’s so asinine … if you look at how many forgettable, stupid movies have won Oscars and how many mediocre performers have Oscars above their fireplace. Making a priority of chasing these fake carrots and money and dubious accolades, I think it’s really destructive,” He said.  Continue reading “Ethan Hawke Thinks The Oscars are ‘Destructive’ and Pointless”

2013 Oscar Nominations Include ‘Life of Pi,’ ‘Lincoln, ‘Silver Linings Playbook,’ ‘Les Miserables’

Oscar Nominations 2013The 85th Academy Awards nominations were announced by host Seth MacFarlane and random crowd-pleaser Emma Stone yesterday morning.

You can read the full list HERE, but let me first go over a few of the snubs…

As usual, many directors whose movies were nominated for Best Picture did not receive an actual directing nod. This year that distinction goes to Ben Affleck (Argo), Kathryn Bigelow (Zero Dark Thirty) and Tom Hooper (Les Miserables).  Continue reading “2013 Oscar Nominations Include ‘Life of Pi,’ ‘Lincoln, ‘Silver Linings Playbook,’ ‘Les Miserables’”

Look Academy, You Almost Nominated A Katy Perry Movie

It has been revealed that Katy Perry was almost in The Help, a movie that was wrongly nominated in all three Oscar categories – Best Picture, Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress.

Perry told Teen Vogue“There was a time when I was going to be involved in The Help. Just a small part, I wasn’t going to be Emma Stone or anything, but I couldn’t because the shooting schedule conflicted with the release of my record.”

“I was upset about that. I knew it was going to be an important film. Not that I need to do drama first, but I do want to do something that makes a strong impression.”

I personally got too involved in caring about the Academy Awards this year and was particularly perturbed by The Help, which was a fine movie but not award-winning material. (I didn’t think The Social Network was either)  Continue reading “Look Academy, You Almost Nominated A Katy Perry Movie”

Angelina’s Too Good For Her Own Leg

Angelina Jolie has no sense of humor. I’m saying this because I just now realized it. She’s smart, a good actress, considered the most beautiful woman in Hollywood and happily married to her exact male counterpart but she’s NOT FUNNY.

You know how I know? She completely shrugged off the jokes about her multiple leg-flashing incidents at the Oscars. She wasn’t necessarily a bitch about it, well kinda, but her comprehension level was weak. Jolie told the Huffington Post, “I honestly didn’t pay attention to it. You know what I mean? I don’t watch those TV shows and if I go online and see something about myself, I don’t click on it.” 

Continue reading “Angelina’s Too Good For Her Own Leg”

Dictator Dumps Ashes Down Seacrest’s Blouse

Sacha Baron Cohen made a big stink about being invited to the Academy Awards and being able to walk the red carpet as his latest faux-documentary prankster, Admiral Aladeen.

The green light he received allowed him to do something that is frowned upon within the industry, but, for a viewer it’s a non-dusty Pecan Sandy treat for the eyes. At the 2012 Oscars the bearded 6’3″ Sasha poured an urn full of ashes right down little Ryan Seacrest’s Burberry tuxedo.

Clap it up for “The Dictator” and his breathtaking use of Kim Jong-il‘s remains, and leave it to Ryan to make the whole ordeal sound cute. That his mama told him when he was young…we’re all born superstars. Continue reading “Dictator Dumps Ashes Down Seacrest’s Blouse”

Oscar Peep Show: J-Lo’s Nip And DEAR GOD ANGELINA, PUT YOUR LEG AWAY!

My vision isn’t all that good to begin with, making barely discernible things even harder to spot. Usually I’m the only one inappropriately yelling about nip slips (surrounded by family) during awards shows or televised concerts.

After Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony I realized it wasn’t just me who thought they saw J-Lo’s side areola while onstage with Cameron Diaz.

No matter how I peer at it through my old man magnifying glass I just can’t tell if there’s anything there or not. From far away there does seem to be a larger shadow on the right side?  Continue reading “Oscar Peep Show: J-Lo’s Nip And DEAR GOD ANGELINA, PUT YOUR LEG AWAY!”

Sacha Baron Cohen To Attend Oscars, As Dictator

Borat/Ali G/Bruno chameleon Sacha Baron Cohen was probably always going to show up at The Academy Awards we just never knew if it was going to be as himself or Admiral Aladeen from The Dictator.

In 2007 he was banned from showing as Borat because of “marketing” conflicts but has officially been invited to the Oscars as Aladeen.

Cohen Tweeted that he had “triumphed over the Zionist snakes of Hollywood.” “The Academy have surrendered and sent over two tickets and a parking pass! TODAY OSCAR, TOMORROW OBAMA!”  Continue reading “Sacha Baron Cohen To Attend Oscars, As Dictator”

David Fincher And Charlize Theron Got F’ed In The A

I know I talk about David Fincher’s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo way too much, but it was basically my favorite movie of 2012 next to Young Adult. Coincidentally, both movies got fucked by the Oscars.

Theron for her spot-on portrayal of a painfully realistic woman with the maturity level of a five month-old Rottweiler.

The character, written by a subsequently more grown up Diablo Cody was passed over in every way. No best actress or picture. In other disappointing Young Adult/Academy Award news, if Jonah Hill deserves a supporting actror nom for Moneyball than Patton Oswalt should get one as well. Continue reading “David Fincher And Charlize Theron Got F’ed In The A”

Eddie Murphy Drops Oscar Hosting Gig, Billy Crystal Picks It Up

Eddie Murphy was asked about his return to the Oscars, which he was meant to host in February, in his Rolling Stone interview with Mark Seliger. He replied:

“There’s no pressure. It ain’t about me that night, it’s about the Oscars and making the show move smoothly. It’s not ‘And now ladies and gentlemen , the 2012 version of my ice cream bit, sit back and relax. I want some ice cream… In closing ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to say, ‘Goonie goo goo.’ Thank you very much!’ I don’t think it’s going to be anything like that.” 

Continue reading “Eddie Murphy Drops Oscar Hosting Gig, Billy Crystal Picks It Up”