Those Dummies Had Their Baby, Named it “Sebastian ‘The Bash’ Taylor Thomaz”

Wiz Khalifa Amber Rose tonguesI would say that I don’t know what it is about “Da Real” Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa that makes me want to smash my baby toe with a sledgehammer, but that’s not true…

It’s the incessant appearances at award shows like the VMAs, AMAs and Grammys. Dare I say that I could make more of a case for Chris Brown being invited?

The cure for Wiz Khalifa’s rapping is submerging your ears in bathtub water for 30 minutes a day, and the same goes for listening to Amber Rose talk.

You are NOT the black Natalie Portman, and it’s only amazing that you made a baby because of the medical miracle of his sperm heading towards your eggs instead of the weed clinic.  Continue reading “Those Dummies Had Their Baby, Named it “Sebastian ‘The Bash’ Taylor Thomaz””

Celeb-By-Celeb Breakdown of the 2013 Grammys

jennifer lopez grammy leg
The Grammys are boring, but you and I, we can pretend they’re not by focusing less on the gaudy “rock” and country music and more on the scandals, bad outfits and cleavage.

These are the most headline-worthy celebrities at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards

1. Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo joked onstage that she couldn’t give a cougarf*cking Casper Smart about CBS’s prude dress code memo, delivering a big f-you in the form of a giant, puffy genital-exposing gam.  Continue reading “Celeb-By-Celeb Breakdown of the 2013 Grammys”

2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else

Kim and Kanye new yearsI can tell from scrolling through every salacious website ever created that this is not in fact the year of the snake, but the year of the thing inside of Kim Kardashian. Let’s get our binoculars out and perv on some headlines…

Kanye As A Dad: What His Music Tells Us About His Parenting Style (Huffington PostHuffPo plops the lyrics to “New Day” off Watch The Throne in front of analytical readers. In the song with fellow rap papa Jay-Z, Kanye basically says that his son will be a half-Armenian replica of Steve Urkel (no ego, no strip clubs, no fun).

They don’t want to know the sex of the baby. Whatever. I’m sure TMZ will take do a secret, high-tech ultrasound (using some sort of wand) from outside Kim’s window and fax the results to her right before they post it on their website.

A source seems pretty sure the pancake batter that knocked up Kim was injected sometime in Rome, possibly inside the Sistine Chapel or on top of the pope’s robes.  Continue reading “2013 is About Kim Kardashian’s Baby and Nothing Else”

Wiz Khalifa (Possibly) Married Amber Rose

It doesn’t come as a surprise that the skinny-bones rapper Wiz Khalifa would marry that bald girlfriend of his, Amber Rose. The two were discussing marriage just a few weeks ago at the VMA pre-show.

MediaTakeOut is reporting that the two were wed Thursday, September 8th in Las Vegas, but others are saying that the “photographic evidence” is really just of them celebrating Wiz’s birthday.

I guess since Kanye never married her, she took the so-not-next best thing. And who is Amber Rose? I see her all the time and still don’t know. A model/alien with a diamond-encrusted vagina?

Continue reading “Wiz Khalifa (Possibly) Married Amber Rose”