America is the 18th Fattest Country

The United States are in trouble. ISIS and Justin Bieber are still at large, Men are having just as much plastic surgery as women and I keep forgetting which side of the kitchen the silverware drawer is on. On top of all that, we’re not even good at being fat anymore.

Yes, a study pulled using CIA obesity statistics tells us that America, land of the hydrogenated oil spongebath and McDonald’s apple pie enema came in 18th on a list of the fattest countries after Samoa, Nauru, The Cook Islands and a bunch of other names I can’t pronounce because I’m illiterate and overweight but not illiterate and overweight enough to make it to number one.  Continue reading “America is the 18th Fattest Country”

POLL: Canada’s Weed Vending Machine Vs. America’s

Weed vending machines

With North America’s governments finally beginning to capitalize on the millions and millions of dollars generated by the distribution of marijuana, we’re hearing about the very first vending machines designed to dispense sweet sticky herbs.

While there are reportedly others in Arizona and California, the most publicized machines reside in Avon, Colorado and Vancouver, B.C.

So who has the better machine? ‘Merica, or those maple-syrup guzzling ladies and gents to the North? It’s a matter of taste (literally).

Colorado’s machine specializes in pot-infused baked goods, and doesn’t require identification until approached, whereas the one in Canada is in a “fenced-off zone” that requires customers to “flash a card confirming that they have received a doctor’s prescription for the drug.”  Continue reading “POLL: Canada’s Weed Vending Machine Vs. America’s”

Sarah Palin Sticks it to Mayor Bloomberg

Sarah Palin Big Gulp Sarah Palin celebrated Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on soda falling through the cracks by sipping a 600-calorie Big Gulp at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference where I assume Republicans vent their anger by burning popsicle stick abortion clinics and chanting “Legitimate rape, Obama h8!”

“Bloomberg is not around, our Big Gulps are safe. We’re cool. Shoot, it’s just pop with low-cal ice-cubes in it,” Palin told the crowd.

I’m with glasses. Somehow, all the way on the West Coast, the word of a proposed ban on oversized sodas made me sympathize with gun-nuts. After all, my freedoms as a future diabeetus-having ‘Merican were being trampled by donkeys.  Continue reading “Sarah Palin Sticks it to Mayor Bloomberg”

NRA Blames Video Games, Says We Need More Guns

National Rifle Association Holds News Conference In Wake Of Newtown School ShootingToday, after a week-long silence (out of “respect for the families” in Sandy Hook), NRA President David Keene and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre spoke in a press conference about the tragedies in Connecticut.

After emphasizing that the National Rifle Association of America is made up of “4 million mothers, fathers, sons and daughters,” LaPierre blamed movies, music videos and video games like Grand Theft Auto (Saint’s Row is probably worse), Bulletstorm (only purchased by fans for the Gears of War 3 beta code), Splatterhouse (no one plays that anymore) and Kindergarten Killer (no one ever played that).  Continue reading “NRA Blames Video Games, Says We Need More Guns”

Boy Band Trademark War? A Dance-Off Will Solve It

If you happen to watch Saturday Night Live and don’t have DVR capabilities that allow fast-forwarding, the boy group One Direction graced your television last Saturday.

Their album Up All Night went to the top of the U.S. and UK iTunes charts. Their “story” is far more interesting. They are one of those cobbled-together groups. Like O-Town or other Making The Band Danity-Kane-concoctions.

Ninteen months ago One Direction members Liam, Zayn, Harry, Niall and Louis auditioned separately on the 7th season of British X-Factor guest (and one-time U.S. judge) Nicole Scherzinger suggested that the five compete as a unite.

Simon Cowell signed them to his label, thus the birth of “What Makes You Beautiful” and all that. The problem is, there’s already a band from America with the same name…

Continue reading “Boy Band Trademark War? A Dance-Off Will Solve It”