Angelina Jolie Releases Video Announcing her Chicken Pox, Glares Menacingly at Amy Pascal

Angelina Jolie glare amy pascalOne year after announcing a double mastectomy, Angelina Jolie wants you to know she’s f*cking fine and just needs a second to stop being scratching her beautiful face and body with her gnarled witch hands.

“I will be home, itching and missing everyone, and I can’t believe it because this film means so much to me,” she said in a video to her fans.

You see that photo? That’s not the face she made when she found out she couldn’t promote Unbroken due to her outbreak, it’s the one she made when she found out Sony executive Amy Pascal was a backstabbing, knob-eating slag who shit-talked her in emails.

Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Releases Video Announcing her Chicken Pox, Glares Menacingly at Amy Pascal”

Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back”

‘Maleficent’ is a Sword in the Heart of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Fans Everywhere

Maleficent new and old
Maleficent did mighty well at the box office, resulting in Angelina Jolie’s biggest opening weekend that trumped Tomb Raider and Wanted by millions, but many fans of Disney’s original Sleeping Beauty are calling it disappointing and a little anti-feminist.

The discussion on where Maleficent went wrong seems to always begin with the villain not being nearly as evil as we remember: from her strange, distant interactions with Princess Aurora, the botched story of how she lost her wings and turned evil goth solely because of a man, and the fact that she never f*cking turns into a dragon.

Via i09’s “How Could Disney Do This To Maleficent“:

She doesn’t really build any sort of personality; instead all we see is a woman who is reacting to a slew of terrible things her former lover inflicts on her. It just seems like she’s running around, coming up with all of these ideas as they hit her. Her go-to move is to zap people into unconscious human balloons, which she then manipulates around in the air.

The article’s author, Meredith Woerner says the film spends way too much time on Aurora and not her wicked fairy godmother, and that the retelling of the story depicts Maleficent as a mentally weak woman who makes rash decisions because Aurora’s father, King Stefan, “drugged and violated her.” Continue reading “‘Maleficent’ is a Sword in the Heart of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ Fans Everywhere”

Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at the Los Angeles premiere of Maleficent (which is, let’s face it, Snow White and the Huntsman with a different cast) and his real-life evil wife did nothing to stop it.

Angelina Jolie was reportedly “busy signing autographs in another section” when the attacker jumped over a barrier and lunged at Pitt, but I believe she hired the man to punch her husband so other women would find him less desirable even though most of us haven’t desired him since Troy. (Ten years ago? Eek, I feel old.)

The assailant is notorious prankster Vitalii Sediuk, the very same who kissed Will Smith at the Men in Black III premiere and stole Adele’s award at the 2013 Grammys.

 
Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is rejoicing…  Continue reading “Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted”

Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face

Angelina and brad The Normal Heart Angelina Jolie white face
Angelina Jolie‘s makeup put-er-on-er let her down in a big way. Jolie arrived at a screening of her husband’s film, The Normal Heart with flour or cocaine all over her cheeks and nobody bothered to tell her!

That’s right, the most beautiful woman in the world forgot to look in a mirror…

Brad probably thought about mentioning it, but was afraid she’d spit venom and then a tail with a stinger would come out from under her dress and burning green venom would fly out of her lips as soon as he did.

You know, method acting to prepare for her role as a giant scorpion in Jurassic World. 

“What looks perfect in normal lighting can appear totally different when you have the harsh lights of flashing cameras on you,” Mark celebrity makeup artist Jamie Greenberg tells Us Weekly. “Many women think you can just touch up with any powder for a red carpet event, but all powders have different finishing textures.”

Mystery of the white woman doing whiteface, solved. Whoever chose that powder has no business working with anyone but people who don’t matter, like the cast of Sharknado 2. And redheads.  Continue reading “Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face”

You Ready For ‘Maleficent’? …Angelina Jolie Is

first Maleficent posterI fear 3D-ready live-action Disney adaptations more than I love Angelina Jolie. I mean… Oz The Great and Powerful, Alice in Wonderland… why so shiny?

Perhaps we can rest easy knowing Tim Burton DID NOT direct Maleficent? (We all remember a day when that sentence would have been appalling.) And speaking of shiny, look at the new poster!

Jolie, who hasn’t starred in a movie since 2010’s The Tourist, looks as devilish as she did when she was ripping off rich men in Original Sin.

Pajiba is right in pointing out that  the “gleam in her eye” appears to be back.

Maleficent, the intriguing feature starring Sleeping Beauty’s villain, also starring Elle Fanning, Juno Temple and Miranda Richardson, hits theaters May 30, 2014.

Melissa Etheridge is Banned From My Window Until She Shuts Up About Angelina Jolie

Melissa Etheridge on stageMusician, activist and cancer survivor Melissa Etheridge dislikes all the talk of Angelina Jolie as a brave and honorable soul.

During a non-televised interview, Etheridge said Jolie actually made the “most fearful choice,” adding that her stress levels and nutrition should have been taken into account.

“It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not,” Etheridge told the Washington Blade. “Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything but it never comes to cancer.”

There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to start. It’s like the notion that you can’t catch a cold unless you’re a feeble, bedridden old geezer.

Eating healthy, exercising and living with the lowest amount of stress are proven ways to extend the human lifespan, but cancer is much harder to avoid than say, heart disease.  Continue reading “Melissa Etheridge is Banned From My Window Until She Shuts Up About Angelina Jolie”

Angelina Jolie Chose The ‘World War Z’ Premiere Over Her Aunt’s Funeral

Angelina Jolie World War Z premiereBrad Pitt washed his hair for last night’s World War Z premiere in London, maybe because his wife missed the funeral of her mother’s younger sister, Debbie Martin, to be there.

I’m not going to utter a single bad word about the woman who underwent a double mastectomy and sweeps refugee orphans off their feet like a humble superhero with shiny apple-waxed legs. Some might say that Angelina Jolie‘s alter-ego, the woman with no friends who fingerpaints with blood on other people’s husband’s nutsacks, needs to get her priorities straight. But not me.

Maybe her aunt was one of those “live in the moment” people who told her in advance to only attend her funeral if she didn’t have some sort of zombie movie event to attend. Maybe Angie prefers to grieve in her own way. Maybe she already said goodbye at a special one-on-one rich person pre-funeral.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Chose The ‘World War Z’ Premiere Over Her Aunt’s Funeral”

Angelina Jolie Starts Dialogue on Genetic Testing, Lands Cover of Time Magazine

Angelina Jolie cancer coverAngelina Jolie caused quite a stir when she announced she had both her breasts removed shortly after learning that she had an 86% chance of developing cancer in them at some point in her life.

Most applauded her courage in one way or another. Some respected her choice even though it was not the one they would have made while others slammed her, calling the decision and following announcement extreme and irresponsible because it might encourage other women to “mutilate” themselves. (“Where is the proof that she even did it in the first place?” one ScienceAlert user wondered.)

Jolie’s predisposition to breast and ovarian cancer (caused by the BRCA1 gene) also brought up the timely issue of who can and can’t afford the highest quality of health care in our country. People know the system doesn’t work, but no one – politician or otherwise – seems to know how to fix it.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Starts Dialogue on Genetic Testing, Lands Cover of Time Magazine”

Angelina Jolie Had a Double Mastectomy

Angelina Jolie 2013Angelina Jolie explained her recent absence, revealing that she had joined the likes of Giuliana Rancic, Sharon Osbourne, Kylie Minogue, Kathy Bates and the tens of thousands of American women who undergo mastectomy a year, in a New York Times piece titled “My Medical Choice.”

Jolie wrote that the decision to have her breasts surgically removed and replaced with implants came after doctors learned that she carries a gene that heavily increases the chance of developing breast cancer.

In the heart-melting article, she describes the process, which began in early February and ended in late April, and encourages others to be brave and get tested.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Had a Double Mastectomy”

Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Earning $3,000 a Week For Disney’s ‘Maleficent’ Reboot

Vivienne Jolie PittI always knew that if I was going to have children, I’d have a whole Bekins truck full of ’em. At least enough to cover the offense and defense lines of the Edmonton Oilers or conduct in a band like The Jackson 5 or Selena y Los Dinos.

Spider-hand broodmother Angelina Jolie is no dummy either. After four long years of prestigious drama courses at Juliard, Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, born in 2008 as one-half of the most expensive twins in history, is ready for her acting debut.

The blonde, younger sister of Shiloh is set to star in Maleficent alongside Angelina, Elle Fanning, and Juno Temple. Siblings Pax and Zahara have been cast in smaller roles, with paychecks never exceeding Vivienne’s reported $3,000 per week.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Have Two Nannies Per Child

Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie six kidsAngelina Jolie and Brad Pitt brought 12 nannies on vacation to Donna Karan’s house in Turks and Caicos. This according to Vanity Fair editor Jeffrey Slonim.

The story comes to Jeffrey by word of mouth, third-hand, so it’s likely to be some sort of wild exaggeration from a well-meaning West Indies gossip monger.

“Had read that the Jolie Pitts would be traveling the globe this vacation. But I’m not so sure. At lunch on a small island three away from Parrot Cay this morn, a woman said she’d heard from a local that they were in town with two nannies per child. Count ‘em, 12 nannies,” Slonim wrote on his blog.  Continue reading “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Have Two Nannies Per Child”

Fiona Apple Will Go To Jail For At Least Two Years

Because possessing hash in Texas is a third-degree felony, Fiona Apple faces up to 10 years in jail after her arrest on Wednesday for having four grams on her tour bus (big surprise, the lady with the octopus on her head likes THC).

A third-degree felony in the lone star state gets you at least two years in prison and a maximum of 10, according to the penal code.

Apple was busted in Hudspeth, the same county where Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg were detained. At a concert on Friday in Houston at  Bayou Music Center, she attempted to explain what happened.

Continue reading “Fiona Apple Will Go To Jail For At Least Two Years”

Angelina Jolie As Maleficent, ‘Mistress Of All Evil’

Here’s a first look at Angelina Jolie in the role she was born for, as Sleeping Beauty‘s Maleficent. A classic Disney tale with a twist – it’s from the viewpoint of the villain.

In 2010, Jolie called the chance to work with Tim Burton “extraordinary.” Too bad that’s not happening anymore, as he has been replaced by first-time director, visual/special effects specialist Robert Stromberg.

I already have more faith in the quality of Maleficent (due 2014) now that Burton isn’t involved. He forgot how to make movies as soon as the countdown for the year 2000 began.

Continue reading “Angelina Jolie As Maleficent, ‘Mistress Of All Evil’”

Read Angelina Jolie’s Intro To Billy Bob Thornton’s Book

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Billy Bob Thornton is a more than adequate writer, he did pen scripts for Sling Blade and the underrated psychological mystery The Gift. He’s also an accomplished songwriter, with four albums under his belt.

His new book of recorded conversation, The Billy Bob Tapes: A Cave Full of Ghosts (released May 15) features an introduction by none other than his former wife of two years, Angelina Jolie. So they’re on good terms? Who knew they were on any terms at all?

The book begins with Thornton’s childhood in Arkansas. On Jolie, he talks about her being too good for him and tells the Huffington Post that it was “like the janitor marrying Audrey Hepburn.”

Here’s what she says about him, in A Cave Full Of Ghosts…  Continue reading “Read Angelina Jolie’s Intro To Billy Bob Thornton’s Book”

What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!

Angelina Jolie’s recent engagement to Brad Pitt, father of her children and partner for seven years means doesn’t mean much to humanity. You’re just going to see a ton of pictures of her left elongated spider hand and the ring that adorns it.

Before you say it, Jennifer Aniston does not care about this news There are even [unlikely] rumors that she might go to the wedding. And how good would that feel? Showing up with Justin Theroux, looking happier than ever, relieved not to be with that toolbox that left her for another woman. Hopefully she gets a plus two invite so she can bring Chelsea Handler.  Continue reading “What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!”

Angelina’s Too Good For Her Own Leg

Angelina Jolie has no sense of humor. I’m saying this because I just now realized it. She’s smart, a good actress, considered the most beautiful woman in Hollywood and happily married to her exact male counterpart but she’s NOT FUNNY.

You know how I know? She completely shrugged off the jokes about her multiple leg-flashing incidents at the Oscars. She wasn’t necessarily a bitch about it, well kinda, but her comprehension level was weak. Jolie told the Huffington Post, “I honestly didn’t pay attention to it. You know what I mean? I don’t watch those TV shows and if I go online and see something about myself, I don’t click on it.” 

Continue reading “Angelina’s Too Good For Her Own Leg”