Andy Dick Stole a Necklace, Got on His Bicycle and Promptly Went to Jail

In D-list celebrities committing crimes news, Andy Dick was briefly arrested for grand theft after riding away on his bike with some guy’s jewelry

Apparently Andy approached the man on Hollywood Blvd., asked to see his $1000 necklace and then bolted off with it.

No idea if he did it for attention or because he really just liked it THAT MUCH, but sending Andy Dick to a jail full of big burly bros with a thing for petite blonds for thievery is like sending me to the Cheesecake Factory for double homicide.

We can only hope male Piper Kerman hasn’t been bailed out yet and is still living the dream.

Buffy’s Nicholas Brendon Arrested for Injuring a Plate

Nicholas Brendon now and thenNicolas Brendon, who many know as Xander on Buffy the Vampire Slayer was arrested for causing a ruckus in a hotel lobby in Boise. You may have just randomly developed boredom narcolepsy thinking about sad, out-of-work actors whose early credits include “basketball player one” in Children of the Corn: Urban Harvest getting drunk in Idaho, but trust me, there’s some meat to this story.

The hotel’s main beef with Brendon was the breaking of a “decorative dish,” which earned him a charge of “malicious injury to property.”  Continue reading “Buffy’s Nicholas Brendon Arrested for Injuring a Plate”

Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash

Justin bieber four wheelerLast week, wittle baby Justin Bieber climbed up on a big bad four wheeler and hurt his itsy bitsy wrist. Did I mention he was arrested, or that Selena Gomez was there?

A photographer in a minivan reportedly caused the ATV crash in Ontario, but it’s more probable that he sprained his wrist texting, shaking his fist at the paparazzo he got in a fight with or whacking off to pictures of himself.

The weirdest part is that noted lawyer Gloria Allred is getting involved, and at first I thought she was repping Bieber (which would make sense since she’s all about protecting women’s rights), but she’s on team paparazzi, looking to imprison the Biebs in rusty shackles somewhere comparable to where Bane sent Batman, I hope.  Continue reading “Bieber Injures Wrist in ATV Crash”

Chris Kattan Stumbles Like a Bad SNL Sketch Prior to DUI Arrest

Chris Kattan mugshot DUIChris Kattan, lovable comedic actor and former Saturday Night Live cast member Chris Kattan (Mr. Peepers, Mango, Doug Butabi from A Night at the Roxbury) was arrested for hitting a parked car last week, and TMZ has a video of him a few hours prior wobbling around an airplane like he just watched back-to-back showings of Gravity at IMAX.

An utterly harmless 5’6″ Kattan, who admitted to taking prescription drugs and was reportedly seen “weaving all over the roadway at slow speeds” tweeted that he was more tired than high.

“I just got back from a 15 hour flight after touring out of the country. I was exhausted. The police were so kind. I’m lucky nobody was hurt,” he said, channelling his inner Canadian.

#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest

Jutin Bieber tiger beat mugshot memeJustin Bieber was pulled over and taken into police custody today in Miami Beach for resisting arrest, driving under the influence and driving with an expired license, because Justin doesn’t have time to renew things, not yell “fuck” at the cops, or have someone else drive him after he’s washed a few Xanax down with his martinis.

He had a pretty HUGE smile on his beautiful ladyface in his mugshot, which totally inspired some radical photoshops, dude. (The best involved Orange is the New Black and Miley Cyrus, separately.)

Justin’s hooliganism arrest also inspired some kindness from his thousands of remaining fans on Twitter. Crap like “#PrayersforBieber” and “FreeBieber” trended, while the rest of us pushed “DeportBieber.” From TMZ:

According to the police report — obtained by TMZ — cops approached Bieber’s car and they instantly realized he reeked of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes.  He had a “stupor” look on his face.

The police report says … Bieber was defiant from the get-go, yelling at the cops, “Why the f**k are you doing this?”  He also yelled, “What the f**k did I do.  Why did you stop me?”  Continue reading “#DeportBieber Trends on Twitter Following DUI Arrest”

Rejoice! The Swiss Cheese Pervert is Behind Bars

Swiss cheese pervert mugshotLast weekend we heard about a 40-something man in Philadelphia who was terrorizing women by putting cheese on his penis, driving up to women and asking them to blow and/or handy j him.

This age old story with the added bonus of things we usually put on sandwiches came to a conclusion when Chris Pagano, nicknamed the “Swiss Cheese Pervert” by the press, was arrested this morning in Norristown.

Turns out, Pagano was also cuffed in 2009.

From PhillyMag.com:

Monday: Court documents revealed that Pagano was arrested in 2009 after he allegedly “removed a large block of cheese from his pocket” and offered a woman on the street “$20 to rub the Swiss cheese on his penis.” Pagano pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, and a solicitation charge against him was dismissed.  Continue reading “Rejoice! The Swiss Cheese Pervert is Behind Bars”

Police Continue to Search For Egg-Related Clues in Justin Bieber Case

Justin and lil za instagramFun and true facts:

1. Justin Bieber’s home was raided on Tuesday after a neighbor complained that he’d egged his house.

2. After an initial arrest for drug possession, Bieber’s buddy Lil’ Za was kept in jail longer for vandalizing a phone.  Sources tell E! he “got angry,” yelled and “ripped the phone off the wall entirely.”

3. Because Bieber’s neighbor claims his house was damaged to the tune of $20,000, the crime has been classified as a felony.

4. Police have not found significant evidence to charge the Biebs, but Los Angeles Lt. Dave Thompson says “The investigation is ongoing.”  Continue reading “Police Continue to Search For Egg-Related Clues in Justin Bieber Case”

Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.

Chris Brown monkeyChris Brown was arrested and jailed this morning for assaulting a man outside of the W Hotel in downtown D.C.

There’s a bit of a he said/he said situation going on, but the altercation either started because the victim photobombed Brown while he was posing with two female fans, OR Brown broke the man’s nose after he tried to jump on his tour bus.

Chris, who is still on probation for beating Rihanna senseless, faces up to 4 years in prison. From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.  After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Funny how he’s constantly yammering on about how everyone needs to get over the past and forget about the time he lost his temper and beat up an internationally loved pop star. That he’s “not that guy” and blah blah blah. Cross your fingers for sodomy.  Continue reading “Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.”

Salt Lake Beauty Queen Gets Bored, Throws Bombs

Kendra Gill beauty queen utah bombKendra Gill, aka Miss Riverton 2013, apparently couldn’t handle the boredom of being surrounded by Mormons and decided the best hobby to take up would be terrorism.

The 18-year-old Salt Lake County beauty queen and her three equally blonde deadbeat friends were arrested over the weekend for throwing homemade bombs out of a car at “property and people,” according to authorities.

The good Capt. Clint Mecham, whose team is handling the investigation, wisely pointed out the teens could have blown their extremities and the extremities of others right the fuck off.

“They could have lost their lives, fingers, hands,” Mecham told CNN. “It’s not a very smart thing to do all around.”  Continue reading “Salt Lake Beauty Queen Gets Bored, Throws Bombs”

Strawberry-Faced Blonde Erin Brockovich Wasn’t Drunk, She Was Hungry

Erin Brockovich mugshotPGE nemesis, consulting firm prez and Julia Roberts movie-inspirerer Erin Brockovich was arrested this past weekend for drunk driving her boat around Lake Mead in Las Vegas after Park & Wildlife officials noticed she was “struggling to dock her boat” a.k.a. ramming it repeatedly into the dock.

TMZ released Brockovich’s corresponding mug shot plus a statement where she explained that the sun and food deprivation were partially responsible for her OUI (operating under the influence) charge.

“I apologize for my actions Friday evening. After a day in the sun and with nothing to eat it appears that a couple of drinks had a greater impact than I had realized,” she said. “I take drunk driving very seriously, this was clearly a big mistake, I know better and I am very sorry.”

A couple of drinks?? She looks like she asphyxiated herself with zip ties and fell into a blender.
boat crash dubstep gif

BONGS AWAY: Amanda Bynes Charged With Reckless Endangerment

Amanda Bynes short hairAmanda Bynes has no hair, no sanity, and according to her, no bong.

After being arrested and charged with unlawful possession of marijuana and reckless endangerment for allegedly throwing a bong out the window of her Manhattan apartment, Bynes tweeted that she doesn’t do drugs at all.

“I only smoke tobacco I don’t drink or do drugs. I’ve never had a bong in my life! I need to get another nose job after seeing my mugshot,” she wrote.

Amanda showed up to court in a messy blonde wig looking like Smurfette after an incestual gangbang.

So… Her shopping list now includes a new bong, more rhinoplasty and a better toupee?  Continue reading “BONGS AWAY: Amanda Bynes Charged With Reckless Endangerment”

Georgia Authorities Arrest Reese Witherspoon For Disorderly Conduct *UPDATE*

Reese Witherspoon mugshotSouthern belle Reese Witherspoon was arrested for disorderly conduct at 3:30 a.m. on Friday.

The adorable actress was reportedly handcuffed because she refused to stay in the car after her husband and agent, James Toth, was pulled over for a DUI in Atlanta.

Cops in Georgia are real douchebags. I mean, Reese is 5’1″ and couldn’t hurt a fly even if she wanted to. It doesn’t matter if she jumped out of the car with a machete yelling about severed heads.

TMZ says she tried to play up her celebrity status, yelling “Do you know my name?” and “You are going to be on national news” to avoid getting in trouble.

You do not simply arrest Reese Witherspoon. Her and Kristin Chenoweth are off limits. He should have just fed her a Snickers and ran.

UPDATE: The man who arrested her wrote in the report that she hung her head out the window and yelled that she was didn’t believe he was a “real police officer.”

Reese has released a statement saying she “clearly had one drink too many” and is “deeply embarrassed.”

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach

Jenna Jameson 39th birthdyRetired porn star, mother of twins and “Best American Actress” Jenna Jameson was arrested for battery on Saturday night in Orange County.

Jameson, who has been celebrating her 39th birthday for the past two months, was wandering around Balboa in Newport Beach with friends when she got into an argument and attacked “someone.”

From TMZ:

We’re told the alleged victim put Jameson under citizen’s arrest and then flagged down a police officer. The cop arrived and cited Jenna for battery. She was later released.  Continue reading “Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach”

Desmond Bryant Enters Top Best Mugshot Lists

Desmond Bryant mugshotRaiders DT Desmond Bryant (not to be confused with Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant) rolled his drunken eyes and stuck out his tongue for a shirtless mugshot at Dade County’s correctional facility Sunday morning.

Bryant was reportedly arrested for causing an inebriated commotion at a neighbor’s home in Miami.

Deadspin has the photo(s) of the NFL star and is holding a photoshop contest. Currently in the unofficial running: him as a seal, him chopped into one of Beyonce’s unflattering Superbowl pics, and him in The Miracle Worker.

Desmond becomes an unrestricted free agent on March 12. It’s really too bad he can’t go play with fellow best/worst mugshot contender Todd Helton.  Continue reading “Desmond Bryant Enters Top Best Mugshot Lists”

South African Olympian Oscar Pistorius Shoots and Kills Girlfriend Valentine’s Day Morning

Oscar Pistorius girlfriendParalympic champion Oscar Pistorius, also known as “Blade Runner” and the “Fastest man on no legs,” was arrested today for the murder of his model/law graduate girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Police arrived at Pistorius’ home in Pretoria, South Africa in the early hours of Valentine’s Day, recovering a 9 mm pistol from the scene believed to be the murder weapon.

Early reports suggested that the shooting was an accident and the possibly result of him confusing Steenkamp for an intruder while she was attempting to surprise him for Valentine’s.

Authorities say they had been called to his house multiple times for incidents of “a domestic nature,” and TMZ has learned that Pistorius was arrested in 2009 for assaulting a female companion.  Continue reading “South African Olympian Oscar Pistorius Shoots and Kills Girlfriend Valentine’s Day Morning”

Chris Brown Uninjured and Unarrested After Crashing Into a Wall

Chris Brown crash 2013From the Frank Ocean fight to the speeding ticket to not doing his community service, these past few weeks have been amazing for everyone but Chris Brown and delusional Team Breezy.

Yesterday, according to the police and the paparazzi, Chris crashed into a wall completely of his own accord (or Porsche) on his way to a children’s dance competition.

Brown, whose body faired better than his car, claims he was chased into the wall by the paps (if that’s true, I’m sending them all flowers).

My problem is this – it’s the night of the Grammys and he still hasn’t been arrested or severely hurt. It seems everything he’s been up to is leading to that. Still, no Chris behind bars. No Big Bubba sodomy. Thanks a lot, universe.

Awwww, Gentle Giant James Cromwell Arrested For Being a Crazy Cat Lady

James CromwellI’m not one of those people who thinks Martin Sheen is the president or that Angelina Jolie raids tombs in her spare time (though that could actually be true). I know the difference between reality and fiction, BUT I do have to say that I was starting to associate James Cromwell with evil after I saw him cut Chloe Sevigny’s legs off in American Horror Story: Asylum.

In wonderful news, the nice tall man from Babe (and well-meaning but insane conspiracy theorist in Six Feet Under) was handcuffed Thursday morning for protesting unnecessary cat research at University of Wisconsin.

While it makes me nervous that some guy from PETA was involved, I think it’s weirdly cute and amazing that Cromwell burst into a board meeting screaming “This is not science!”  Continue reading “Awwww, Gentle Giant James Cromwell Arrested For Being a Crazy Cat Lady”