I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…

Nicki minaj pink outfit anaconda
On behalf of everyone, I would like to proclaim that I watched all of Nicki Minaj‘s new music video, which is “Baby Got Back” with a different title and a verse about a dude named Michael with a “dick bigger than a tower” who tossed her salad “like his name Romaine.” 
nicki minaj anaconda gif
Michael and this other guy Troy love that she’s down to bang in a car and that she eats breakfast lunch and dinner because, as you can tell from the salad references and slow-motion banana peeling, she’s very health conscious.

As with all things Nicki Minaj, it all boils down to the ass, and this is definitely the most assalicious song of Nicki’s. (“Dance A$$” doesn’t count if we’re being technical.)The video is just an excuse for Nicki and other self-proclaimed big bootied hoes to twerk.

All twerk and no play / twerking hard or hardly twerking?

Continue reading “I Watched Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ Video So You Don’t Have To…”

Michelle Rodriguez Shares Naked Meditation Photo

Michelle Rodriguez naked Thailand Michelle Rodriguez, angry princess of action films and not giving a f*ck, recently shared a beautiful photo of the ocean view in Thailand. 

Probably taken by her girlfriend of two wonderful months (model Cara Delevingne, who Rodriguez called “cool” and “awesome” to The Mirror), the shot features lovely palm trees, grass, luscious tropical shrubs and most of Michelle’s ass.

“A sweet break from worldly chaos not missing the city although the mosquitoes are killer out here love the peace & quiet,” Rodriguez wrote on Instagram.

To cure your boredom, imagine bloodthirsty snakes, skin-melting fire ants and “caterpillars that shoot a cloud of venomous hairs” (according to THIS), interrupting this careless nude meditation session.

 

Joe Pesci Gave Jonah Hill a Rectal Exam

Jonah Hill butt fingers storyThere are only a handful of men as weird and wonderful (and elusive) as Joe Pesci, right? I mean there’s Bill Murray… Sean Penn, maybe? And that’s really it.

Mobster extraordinaire and two-time Home Alone villain Pesci recently approached Jonah Hill at The Wolf Of Wall Street premiere to give him some sage advice about getting a swollen ego and allowing people to over-sing his praises.

“He goes, ‘You’re great in the movie, kid, I’m really proud of you.’ And I’m like, ‘Thank you, your acting means so much to me,'” Hill told Jimmy Fallon. “And he goes, ‘Here’s what I want you to do: I want you to go buy a helmet.’ And I go, ‘okay…'”  Continue reading “Joe Pesci Gave Jonah Hill a Rectal Exam”

Underage Justin Bieber Grabs a Beer and a Handful of Texan Stripper Booty

justin bieber shirtless strip clubSome girls break free of their clean-cut image by wearing more revealing clothing and making risky non nun-approved career moves, but Justin Bieber isn’t like the other girls.

He breaks free by being completely topless in public, drinking Dos Equis and molesting exotic dancer sirloin.

Would he get girls (or boys) if he wasn’t famous? Yes, but not nearly as many.

Instead of being at some ultra-packed strip club in Texas, he’d be at the dive on the corner throwing quarters into the cheese-filled ass dimples of girls with nicknames like Buckwheat and Tiny.

I’m about to turn my own life around and open a really popular club in L.A. with a strict “no shirt, no service” policy for the sole satisfaction of rejecting Justin the second him and his goofball entourage catch wind of it just to prove that rules do in fact apply to them.

Read: Unbeliebable: 33-year-old Bieber fan has $100k of plastic surgery to look like his idol

Toni Braxton’s Dress Fell Off, In The Back, And Stuff

Toni Braxton assIn ass news unrelated to big-assed Kim Kardashian calling Katie Couric a two-faced assclown assface, Toni Braxton had a gravity-defying moment of booty-showing bareness at a concert.

Remember her? People used to compare her to Whitney Houston even though she only had a few songs. Good ones, mind you, but it’s like everyone saying Lady Gaga is Madonna after one album or that Leona Lewis is Mariah Carey just because of “Bleeding Love.”

Toni B. sang “Unbreak My Heart,” “He Wasn’t Man Enough,” and “You’re Making Me High,” hits that allow her to continue to tour to this day. At one show this week in the not-so-fine state of New Jersey, Braxton’s completely fine backside backslid out of her dress for the world to see, causing an uproar in the audience and a good-natured smile and giggle from her.  Continue reading “Toni Braxton’s Dress Fell Off, In The Back, And Stuff”

Miley Shows Liam Hemsworth She’s Ready For Anal Penetration

Miley Cyrus ass in the air
Miley Cyrus has been promoting her new coke and MDMA-fueled single “We Can’t Stop” by spamming the crap out of her Twitter followers. In one of her more recent reminders, she wrote “editing #wecantstop” along with this wonderful picture of her in the traditional “downward dog wants anal” pose.

This was either a hello to Liam Hemsworth or an “I’ve got a love and I know that it’s all mine” message to Amanda Bynes, who totally thinks Liam is the most gorgeous white vagina-murderer in the land.

8====D Bonus Miley Cyrus arse pic here if that’s really something you’re not sick of yet <—–

Leighton Meester Momentarily Satiates Flaunt Magazine’s Ass Fixation [PHOTOS]

Actress, singer and style icon Leighton Meester appears in Flaunt Magazine‘s November issue surrounded my male asses, showing her ass, and posing with a grabby-hands female model.

The cover has text exclaiming that this is “The Mother Issue,” with a subtle label below telling you to “blow your load.” Because nothing goes together like mothers and load-blowing. How Freudian. Now that Flaunt has succeeded in raising your eyebrows for all the wrong reasons, go ahead and read some of Meester’s anecdotes.

Motherhood: “I definitely want kids. It’s really important to me. I think it’s going to be the one thing I do. That’s your life, that’s the meaning of life. Besides art, which I think is definitely part of that. And that all goes in with love and making children – making art. It’s creating. I think that’s the meaning of life.”  Continue reading “Leighton Meester Momentarily Satiates Flaunt Magazine’s Ass Fixation [PHOTOS]”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-23-12]

Spider-Man eats Uncle Sam’s ass for Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (ohmyGAHH!)

A long time ago, Mayans erected a statue honoring Lil’ Wayne. (TMZ)

Hector ‘Macho’ Camacho may be removed from life support on Saturday. (L.A. Times)

PETA talked Courtney Stodden into hiding her body. (Evil Beet)

Ke$ha doesn’t just have a necklace and earrings made of human teeth… (Allie is Wired)

Phresh off the 777 tour, Rihanna spends turkey day clubbing with Chris Brown. (E! Online)

Black Friday shoppers at Wal-Mart nearly kill each other for phones, towels, and games. (Gawker)

Sofia Vergara’s Ass Fell Out At The Emmys

This year’s Emmys were pretty boring. Mad Men and Girls were snubbed while Modern Family won five statues.

HBO’s Game Change, starring Julianne Moore as Sara Palin, took home four.

In dress news Claire Danes wore a bag (because she’s pregnant), and Lucy Liu wore Versace armor but the biggest, least boring thing to happen was Sofia Vergara‘s behind-the-scenes wardrobe malfunction.

“Yes!!!! This happend 20 min before we won!!!! Jajajajja. I luv my life!!!!” Vergara wrote on WhoSay with an accompanying photo of her ripped green dress, then another of an “emergency team” frantically pinning it together.  Continue reading “Sofia Vergara’s Ass Fell Out At The Emmys”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-24-12]

Justin Timberlake showed his butt at his bachelor party in Cabo. (TMZ)

Turkish diver “saves” blow-up doll from a watery death. (Reuters)

Michael Jackson totally wrote a song about “abortion papers.” (ohmyGAHH!)

All the 2012 Emmys dresses you needed to laugh at and/or envy. (Jezebel)

Amanda Knox still Skypes with her ex-boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito. (Yahoo!)

News lady Katie Couric struggled with bulimia. (ABC)

Kerri Walsh Jennings was five weeks pregnant during the 2012 Olympics. (Inquistr)

Quarterback Eli Manning likes a band called Technopop Slashfest. (Deadspin)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-22-12]

You’re welcome in advance. Here’s Eve Longoria’s bare ass. (Daily Mail)

Taylor Swift buys Conor Kennedy ice cream sundaes, writes him love notes. (Celebitchy)

Linebacker Bart Scott threatens to “smack the shit out of” Jets writer. (Deadspin)

JWOWW is engaged to that Roger guy? Not surprising. (Radar Online)

Party rockers LMFAO on hiatus. (Rolling Stone)

Clint Eastwood may talk to empty chairs, but he loves the gays. (ohmyGAHH!)

Friends of Amanda Bynes angry at her parents for not helping more. (TMZ)

Gaga wears a pink and blue fatsuit, quotes Monroe. (ONTD!)

Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan booed after saying he wants to repeal ObamaCare. (ABC)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-31-12]

When people dye their hair brown, it means they’re crazy. See Lady Gaga. (Celebuzz)

Bearded Portland men cross bridge with guns and camo in the name of breasts. (KATU)

Stupid people make beautiful babies. See Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. (Tale Tela)

Tori Spelling had a fourth child with Dean no-relation-to-Dylan McDermott. (People)

Actors/actresses: DON’T WORK WITH TERRENCE MALICK. He’ll cut you. (Yahoo!)

Sage Stallone died of a heart attack, not illegal substances or pills. (TMZ)

The Possession‘s Jeffrey Dean Morgan doesn’t want that haunted box anywhere near him. (io9)

Britney Spears berates and seduces X Factor contestants in new promo. (EW)

This is what Michelle Obama looks like in a nude, neoclassical painting. (Gawker)

Ryan Lochte‘s VERY ALLEGED penis pic is still unavailable. (Deadspin)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [8-26-12]

Kim Kardashian asks if her “butt looks big.” World answers yes, years ago. (Evil Beet)

On top of face-kinis, China also has RED beaches. (Grind Tv)

Macaulay Culkin just turned 32. Is still friends with more celebs than you can name. (Yahoo!)

Sesame Street’s Jerry “Count von Count” Nelson passed away. (Grouchy Muffin)

Alexander Skarsgård has a new baby brother. His seventh sibling! (E! Online)

Woman fired from Burger King for wearing a skirt. (Inquisitr)

Anti-Obama documentary sours at box office. For a documentary. (Gawker)

Mother nature hates Republicans, sends tropical storm Isaac to their convention. (Washington Post)

Snooki‘s baby gorilla introduced to society. Here’s some more info. (Access Hollywood)

Katy Perry Displays Major T&A At Water Park

Katy Perry’s bikini bottoms were partially forced off by rushing waves on Sunday at Raging Waters water park in San Dimas California.

Normally I’m a little on the fence about Katy. The public is always too busy looking at her fertility statue bosom to notice that her brain cells depleted at birth.

These pictures kind of make me like her, for multiple reasons.

One, she’s out with no bodyguards, just hanging at a public water park with friends. Second, she’s showing her completely regular looking plumber’s crack to civilians, and laughing about it afterwards.  Continue reading “Katy Perry Displays Major T&A At Water Park”

Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’

One of the most shocking moments in my young life came in the form of a harmless walk in the woods behind my house. I had taken to lifting rocks in the hopes of examining interesting bugs, usually ants or the occasional red centipede.

On this comfortably cool summer day on the Oregon Coast I lifted a particularly large rock and discovered a nest of baby snakes. They startled me mostly because there were so many and they moved so quick and pointlessly.

When I see the Kardashian-Jenner family I am reminded of that day. This is a group of creatures that never stop working, but for what cause I do not know.  Continue reading “Kardashians Cover Biggie’s ‘Hypnotize’”

Milla Jovovich’s Windy Bum-Flash Moment

Milla Jovovich, famous for nude scenes in movies, can add [almost] public nakedness to her resume.

The actress/model/singer/zombie-murderess was in New York filming an Avon perfume commercial when she suffered a momentary Marilyn Monroe moment circa The Seven Year Itch .

This is more modern, a little more exposure and some kind of string underwear that is barely visible instead of Marilyn’s high-waisted garment that Katy Perry would call “a long pair of shorts.”

Milla’s also got a new album coming out (she released her first, The Divine Comedy in 1994) and we can expect it in early fall plus a video in July for the single “Electric Sky” which will be available on iTunes May 19.  Continue reading “Milla Jovovich’s Windy Bum-Flash Moment”