Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas

chris brown lizianeHere’s what I know about the Chris Brown Vegas assault charges… A star-fucking groupie said Brown punched her in the melon during a concert. Brown called the star-fucking groupie “dusty” and said “I don’t know this old-looking bitch.”

Did he actually attack ye old bitchLiziane Gutierrez? Yes, totally.

There isn’t a single woman Chris Brown comes into contact with that doesn’t get hit. Sometimes it’s figurative, but it happens. Do I have love for star fuckers? No, but I have a lot less love for the man who made Rihanna look like a chump. It’s his fault ‘Anti’ still hasn’t been released AND that it’s cold in winter and that I’m broke, and also, he killed Natalie Cole, but not a lot of people know that, so shhh.  Continue reading “Of Course Chris Brown Attacked A Woman In Vegas”

Hope Solo Pleads ‘Not Guilty’ to Charges of Beating Up Insubordinate Nephew

hope solo court 2014U.S. Goalkeeper Hope Solo/unofficial 9th cast member of Jersey Shore is in the news for attacking her 17-year-old nephew. She reportedly called him a “p*ssy,” pulled his hair and punched him.

The nephew retaliated in typical teenage fashion, by stepping up the name-calling to “c*nt,” pointing a BB gun at her and hitting her in the head with the broom she flew in on.

An apparently drunk Solo began attacking her own sister once the boy called the police, leaving “visible injuries.” TMZ has a recording of the kid in the process of fending off his “psychotic” auntie  Ho Ho, who has already plead not guilty to assault.  Continue reading “Hope Solo Pleads ‘Not Guilty’ to Charges of Beating Up Insubordinate Nephew”

Chris Brown Sentenced to Jail Time That he Won’t Really Have to Serve

Chris Brown court 2014Le sigh. All-around sh*tty human being Chris Brown was just sentenced to 131 days, but due to overcrowding and confusing legal logistics, his lawyer thinks he’ll be out by Monday.

Brown pleaded guilty to violating his probation to speed up the process of being a free man who will most definitely continue to assault men and women and basically all living things.

He seems like the type to pull the wings off butterflies and dropkick newborn pandas, but judges and juries can’t be bothered with such things. Judges and juries care about what kind of sandwiches they’ll be able to eat on break and getting off work ASAP so they can go home and fall asleep to Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons. Via CNN:

“I would expect that Chris should be out of jail before the weekend’s up or before Monday,” Geragos said after the hearing. “If he isn’t out by Monday, then I would expect he’s getting special treatment. He’s got over 230 days credit on a 365 and generally the sheriff is releasing on a lot less than that.”

Brown’s probation for the 2009 beating of ex-girlfriend Rihanna was revoked after his arrest in connection to a misdemeanor assault charge out of Washington

Dream-shatterers! My vision of him being taken from behind by a man with a hairy back isn’t being realized. I haven’t felt this empty since grocery stores stopped carrying New York Seltzer and Orange Slice…

Kanye West Punched a Guy Who Called Kim Names

Kim and Kanye making facesKim Kardashian was on her way to an appointment with a chiropractor (an ass-reduction might be in order if these back pains persist) when a crazy 18-year-old shoved through the paparazzi and threw some choice vocabulary her way.

The teen allegedly followed her into the waiting room, called her a “stupid slut” and yelled “n*gger” at Kanye West, who she called on the phone during the commotion.

Black Alec Baldwin stormed into the office to bully the bully who called his wifey a stupid slutty “n*gger-lover,” and is now facing battery charges, according to TMZ.

If anyone is going to be arrested it should be Kim Kardashian for her performance in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. (I’m going to break all my dishes if she doesn’t win the Razzie.)

Chris Brown Headed To Rehab… For Anger

chris brown in court d.c.After having his felony assault charges against a D.C. man reduced to a misdemeanor, Chris Brown has checked into a rehab center in Malibu to help get his temper under control.

Did I say to get his temper under control? I meant to make people think he’s an imperfect person who can improve after a little counseling and yoga under palm trees.

Great publicity move, but anyone with a fraction of a brain cell knows that Chris Brown isn’t a circumstantial dickhead, he’s a no-hope toolshed full of dildos who miraculously avoids jail time by blinding people with his sh*tty imitation Usher bull honky.  Continue reading “Chris Brown Headed To Rehab… For Anger”

Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.

Chris Brown monkeyChris Brown was arrested and jailed this morning for assaulting a man outside of the W Hotel in downtown D.C.

There’s a bit of a he said/he said situation going on, but the altercation either started because the victim photobombed Brown while he was posing with two female fans, OR Brown broke the man’s nose after he tried to jump on his tour bus.

Chris, who is still on probation for beating Rihanna senseless, faces up to 4 years in prison. From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources and the alleged victim tell TMZ … before striking the man, Chris said, “I’m not into this gay s**t, I’m into boxing.  After Chris punched the man, the fight was taken to the ground.

Funny how he’s constantly yammering on about how everyone needs to get over the past and forget about the time he lost his temper and beat up an internationally loved pop star. That he’s “not that guy” and blah blah blah. Cross your fingers for sodomy.  Continue reading “Chris Brown VIOLATES PROBATION, Commits Felony Assault in D.C.”

Justin Bieber Faces Potential Deportation After Hamptons Brawl

Justin bieber flagI think at this point it’s pretty safe to say that we all just want Justin Bieber to disappear. And while vanishing into thin air is probably a longshot, we might be able to land the next best thing: deportation.

You don’t usually think Justin Bieber when you think deportation because, you know, he’s an enormously rich, white celebrity who is legally residing in the US. But technically speaking, he’s not a citizen and his recent scuffle in the Hamptons could theoretically get his ass kicked out of the US and sent back to Canada. I know, it’s like that movie The Proposal. Except when I watch The Proposal I don’t have a deep urge to punch Sandra Bullock in the face.

All that would need to happen are these two easy steps:

1. Biebs is accused of assault or battery in regards to the Hamptons case (defined as “threat of bodily harm coupled with an apparent, present ability to cause the harm.”)

2. The assault is deemed an “aggregated felony,” which could lead to deportation for any non-citizen.

Which means a one-way ticket back to Canada. Pretty swell, eh?  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Faces Potential Deportation After Hamptons Brawl”

Ex-NBA Baller Scottie Pippen Kicked a Guy’s Ass

Scottie Pippen doesn't smileRetired Jordan-era Chicago Bull Scottie Pippen was thought to have been arrested on Sunday for assaulting an autograph-seeking fan in a Malibu restaurant, but he wasn’t handcuffed or charged for breaking the man’s teeth and injuring nearly every part of his body including his back, which isn’t even news. (Slow day.)

I haven’t heard anything about Pippen, who won six NBA titles with the Bulls, in forever.

If you look at the “personal” section of his Wikipedia page, there’s nothing but a yard sale from 2011 and something about his wife being on Real Housewives of Miami.

Not that he needs to assault people to become interesting. Living in a sinkhole just crouching over his rings like Gollum until Kobe falls in there and pulls a Bilbo Baggins on his ass seems like a viable option.

TMZ reports that Pippen came out of the sinkhole to have dinner with his family when an overly aggressive fan called him the n-word, spit on his daughter and shoved him.  Continue reading “Ex-NBA Baller Scottie Pippen Kicked a Guy’s Ass”

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach

Jenna Jameson 39th birthdyRetired porn star, mother of twins and “Best American Actress” Jenna Jameson was arrested for battery on Saturday night in Orange County.

Jameson, who has been celebrating her 39th birthday for the past two months, was wandering around Balboa in Newport Beach with friends when she got into an argument and attacked “someone.”

From TMZ:

We’re told the alleged victim put Jameson under citizen’s arrest and then flagged down a police officer. The cop arrived and cited Jenna for battery. She was later released.  Continue reading “Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach”

I bet she gets killed at the end…

Rihanna Law and orderIn a story that’s only a couple years late (it happened in 2009), Law and Order: SVU is looking to capitalize on the Chris Brown’s Grammy night assault of then (and now current?) girlfriend Rihanna. Here’s the episode summary:

A promising singer is brutally attacked by her boyfriend, a popular hip hop star. ADA Barba (guest star Raul Esparza) works to build a case, but the victim refuses to aid the prosecution and, despite Detective Benson’s (Mariska Hargitay) best efforts, continues to put herself in danger. The case quickly spirals into a media circus, perpetrated by both the defendant and his uncompromising attorney (guest star Jeffrey Tambor).  Continue reading “I bet she gets killed at the end…”

Lindsay Lohan Arrested For Nightclub Assault

Lindsay Lohan was put in cuffs after punching a 28-year-old woman who invaded her space at Club Avenue nightclub in New York this morning after attending a Justin Bieber concert.

Lindsay tried to drive away from the scene, but cops pursued her and booked her for assault. She reportedly yelled “Are you kidding me?” over and over again at the police at the time of her arrest.

Hours later, she was separately charged officially for lying to police about her Santa Monica Porsche crash in June.

Pretty sure being arrested in New York as many times as she was arrested in Los Angeles is her new goal. Almost there.

WNBA Assault! Chamique Holdsclaw Smashes Girlfriend’s Car, Opens Fire

As a college basketball star in the 90’s, Chamique Holdsclaw was referred to as the “female Michael Jordan.” She’s also a former WNBA star and an Olympic gold medalist.

Holdsclaw, 35, is sadly now one of many athletes whose fall from grace stems from criminal activity.

WSBTV reports that she turned herself in on Thursday after she smashed the windows of her ex-girlfriend and teammate Jennifer Lacy’s car.

Chamique also pulled a handgun out after following behind Lacy’s Land Rover from a parking lot and shot at her vehicle in an attempt to ignite gasoline that she may have previously poured into the car.  Continue reading “WNBA Assault! Chamique Holdsclaw Smashes Girlfriend’s Car, Opens Fire”

Paparazzi May Have Battery Case Against Justin Bieber [PHOTOS]

Filing a battery case against Justin Bieber is like a complaining that the old folks at the nursing home sexually assaulted you. It’s plausible, but how would they catch you? Why didn’t you just move? Did you want to be attacked?  Continue reading “Paparazzi May Have Battery Case Against Justin Bieber [PHOTOS]”

A Heart More Frozen Than Pinkberry Yogurt

The man who co-founded Pinkberry, the successful frozen yogurt chain that spans across 20 states and nearly as many countries was arrested yesterday at LAX for assaulting a homeless man.

Young Lee, a former bouncer and kickboxer, was picked up on a warrant for the crime which occurred in June of 2011. He is accused of chasing after a man who asked him for money in downtown L.A.

Lee, who says he felt “threatened,” chased the man (who was later hospitalized) down with a friend and hit him repeatedly with a tire iron.

Continue reading “A Heart More Frozen Than Pinkberry Yogurt”

Brooke Mueller Arrested For…Drug Possession!

I certainly don’t wish for things like this to happen, I’m just not surprised when they do, nor is anyone else. Yes, Brooke Mueller was arrested on Friday night in Aspen, Colorado for possession of cocaine and for misdemeanor assault because of an incident in a bar.

Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife and Paris Hilton’s supposed close friend (though it always seemed like she was a friend of Kathy Hilton) allegedly assaulted a women and was arrested at Escobar nightclub, nearby.

TMZ wisely noted that it had been almost two years since Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller’s infamous domestic violence scuffle in Aspen, where Sheen reportedly threatened her with a knife.

Former NY Governor’s Stepdaughter Commits Bottle Assault

At 4:45 am on Saturday October 1st, Ashley Dennis – stepdaughter of ex-New York governor David Paterson – was arrested for hitting her boyfriend Brian McGuinness over the head with a bottle.

His stepdaughter, an account executive at Edelman Public Affairs, had a huge fight with her boyfriend at his West Village apartment. After neighbors, who described the fight as ‘loud and bloody’ called the police…

Continue reading “Former NY Governor’s Stepdaughter Commits Bottle Assault”

Matthew Fox Punched A Lady In The Boob

Sunday August 28, Lost and Party Of  Five star Matthew Fox, 45, punched a female bus driver in her boob, arm and groin.

29 year-old Heather Bormann filed an official complaint yesterday, charging him with assault.

She has photographic proof of her injuries and Matthew will almost certainly be apprehended in some way for his offense.

The altercation started when he tried to climb aboard the a bus that was booked by a bachelor party that he was not invited to.

After he stepped onboard and was asked to leave, he swung at her. She also reported that he smelled strongly of alcohol and that she swung back!
Continue reading “Matthew Fox Punched A Lady In The Boob”