Royal Palace Sh*tting Crumpets Over Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump

kate middleton bikini baby bumpThe palace is going crazy over honeymoon photos of Kate Middleton published in Italy’s Chi (proudly fucking with the royals since 1997).

She is neither topless nor bottomless. Just in a bikini, pregnant with a pinto bean.

All of Britain’s tabloids passed on printing the very unshocking images of Kate and William vacationing in the West Indies out of “respect” (or fear that their heads would be severed quicker than you can say “She ain’t no human being”).

A St James’ Palace spokesperson issued a statement that the family is “disappointed” over the breach of privacy. As usual, their reaction is more sensationalized than any headline, photo, or story. God save the Duchess.

AHOY! Kate Middleton’s Baby Bump Spotted Beneath Patterned Shawl

princess kate baby bumpDon’t you just get a kick out of how obsessed Americans are with Kate Middleton‘s baby? You know they’re all just pervs hoping for another William or Harry to gawk at (or a Diana, for the sake of Hollywood martyrdom).

The Princess is still a public figure, and her every waking move has become that much more scrutinized now that she’s pregnant. A walk around London turns into the resurrection of John Lennon. (I guess the Queen unshackled her following that whole morning sickness hospital trip/house arrest thing.)

One avid Duchess of Cambridge idolizer wrote: “Oh my gosh it makes me so excited for when the baby comes.” But why? I mean what are you planning to do with it? Toss her in a cell until she confesses!

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [1-16-13]

Shakira naked baby bumpBaby bump: Shakira edition! She-wolf poses in bikini with shirtless soccer husband. (Celebuzz)

Edward Furlong losing jobs left and right after latest domestic violence arrest. (TMZ)

In rare news, Howard Stern apologized! (to Jonah Hill’s doppelganger). (Us weekly)

Oprah basically “satisfied” with Lance Armstrong‘s doping confession. (CBS)

The guy who styles Nicki Minaj’wigs quit over “creative differences.” (Idolator)

Lady Gaga buying a share in Neverland Ranch, for restoration purposes? (Huffington Post)

Special edition of Dead Island: Riptide comes with the bloody plastic torso of a woman. (Jezebel)

Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum

Channing Tatum wife JennaSexiest man alive Channing Tatum and most-envied woman alive Jenna Dewan-Tatum are expecting their first child! After speculation that Dewan was sporting a baby bump at VH1 Divas, representatives for the couple told People that they are “pleased to announce” the arrival of a tiny charming potato sometime next year.

Channing said in an interview just last month that they were both “ready” for children.

“The first number that pops into my head is three, but I just want one to be healthy and then we’ll see where we go after that. It’s really easy for us guys to say, ‘I want like 15 kids.’ Jenna will be like, ‘Well you better get another wife!'”  Continue reading “Add Fatherhood to the List of Things You Love About Channing Tatum”

Drew Barrymore Looks Like A Tiny Khloe Kardashian

Hear me out hear me out. I know Drew Barrymore normally looks nothing like Khloe Kardashian.

Some may even call me a blasphemous harlot for uttering their names in the same sentence.

Barrymore’s career mostly looks like a bowl of cherries, and she’s no reality star BUT she has been married twice and one of those marriages was to Tom Green.

Lamar Odom has got to be at least 20 million steps up from a guy who puts rats in his butt.

Anyway, Drew Barrymore is awesome and so is Khloe (don’t judge me) but in this picture of Drew wandering around L.A. I have to say she looks like a 5’4″ version of the outcast Armenian.  Continue reading “Drew Barrymore Looks Like A Tiny Khloe Kardashian”

I Promise, Beyonce’s Baby Bump Isn’t Fake…

…It just LOOKS like a guinea pig trapped in a blanket.

Queen B made an appearance on the Australian talk show “Sunday Night HD,” last week and it wasn’t so much the talking but the visual that had every blog on the convoluted web ablaze like a plus-sized Jack-O-Lantern.

Rumors that Beyonce’s pregnancy is/was a complete sham crossed many people’s minds. But what exactly would the purpose of that be? Are Beyonce’s childbearing hips false advertising? Did she hire a surrogate?

OR is she actually much less pregnant and attempting to gain attention by wearing a lumpy bumpy fanny pack under her dress? I’ll never know WHY anyone would think that she made the whole thing up…

Continue reading “I Promise, Beyonce’s Baby Bump Isn’t Fake…”