Rachel Bilson’s Baby Sadly Isn’t Named ‘Darth’ Anything

darth vader summer robertsSummer Roberts and Darth Vader had a baby together and named it Briar Rose, code name for Disney Princess Aurora of Sleeping Beauty, which is barely Star Wars-related and completely un-O.C.ified. (Was really hoping for Darth Roberts, Summer Vader or Darth Mall.)

Briar Rose, otherwise known as B-Rose, enjoys long walks on the pier, pouting, gingerbread lattes and electrocuting people with her chubby fingertips.

At this point, Hayden Christensen needed the baby to at least secure child support payments from Bilson once she divorces him for COMMISSIONER GORDON.

It’s a Darth, Darth Summer, leaving me here on my own…

Crowned White Walker From Last Week’s ‘Game of Thrones’ Was Once a Stark Named Bran?

Night's King Game of Thrones walkerAn HBO GO employee accidentally spoiled that baby-stealing white walker as being a legendary figure in Game of Thrones lore in a summary of the “Oathkeeper” episode, and his story is quite interesting.

Known as the Night’s King in the books, the walker was once a Commander of the Night’s Watch, and according to Old Nan in a Storm of Swords, a former Stark who shared not only bloodlines with Bran, but also a name.

The Night’s King lost himself over a woman with ice-cold skin and bright blue eyes and was taken down by rulers of Westeros (including his own brother) after committing “horrific atrocities” that included sacrificing to the walkers.

While Old Nan probably made him a Stark with the same name to scare children embellish the story, this has fans wondering how the legend of the Night’s King ties in with Bran’s current storyline.  Continue reading “Crowned White Walker From Last Week’s ‘Game of Thrones’ Was Once a Stark Named Bran?”

Adamant Baby-Haters Admit that Prince George is the Cutest

Kate and Prince GeorgePrince William and Kate Middleton’s baby was not just born royal, but born destined to experience a heightened level of fame that, at just 9 months old, he can not even begin to comprehend.

He wasn’t however, destined to be cute…

Cuteness is not guaranteed, and I know it’s considered taboo and possibly wrong to insult babies, but the fact is, most of them look like rotting potatoes.

William and Kate’s baby miraculously managed to be as adorable, with his mother’s grin and father’s rosy cheeks and premature baldness. Prince George is not only a hit with stuffy British adults, but also with the worldwide meme-loving brats of Tumblr, Imgur and the like, as seen in his first gifs, below…
Continue reading “Adamant Baby-Haters Admit that Prince George is the Cutest”

Scarlett Johansson PREGNANT With a Half-French Baby

Scarlett Johansson baby daddyHot off a sort of win-by-association at the Oscars (Spike Jonze, Best Original Screenplay, for Her), it was announced today that former Woody Allen muse Scarlett Johansson will give birth later this year.

The sperm, injected roughly five months ago, belongs to Frenchman Romain Dauriac, a journalist who she has been dating since at least 2012.

I bet you all cannot wait to begin cringing and/or not caring when Kim Kardashian comes to her defense on Twitter after the paparazzi send unflattering photos of “fat” Scarlett to Star magazine.

(Tiny ex-flame Sean Penn masked his pain by diving headfirst into Charlize Theron’s tonsils.)

Megan Fox Names Baby ‘Bodhi Ransom’

Megan Fox and sonThis week we learned that super secretive parentals Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green named their second child Bodhi. Bodhi Ransom Green, if we’re being formal. “Bodhi” is a Buddhist word for understanding or enlightenment.

Teresa Palmer (the K-Stewy/Amber Heardlike blonde from Warm Bodies and Take Me Home Tonight) also JUST named her kid Bodhi Rain, so maybe the two babies can fight to the hypothetical death via cut-up hotdog eating or breakdancing contest the way Suri and Shiloh should have.

Perhaps Megan could enlighten us on the secret of being rail thin and making babies that aren’t stillborn?  Continue reading “Megan Fox Names Baby ‘Bodhi Ransom’”

JWoww At Four Months Pregnant Looks Like JWoww At No Months Pregnant

jwoww four months pregnantJersey Shore‘s “smartest” survivor Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who predictably found out she was pregnant while she was at a tanning convention, somehow looks fit as a mofo at four months.

After taking several tests and repeatedly seeing only a blurry line, JWoww landed in Nashville and had her manager get her a “stupid proof” test that spelled out the word pregnant. From jennifarley.com:

I cried and Roger looked like he was going to pass out! Hahaha. That day in Nashville I was on cloud nine.

And keep in mind that the baby will look like her BEFORE the plastic surgery. And by “like her before the plastic surgery” I mean “better.” (Snooki’s godchild also has a 90% chance of having a crazy name.)

Old Ass Michael Jordan Expecting Fourth Child

20131130-182547.jpgGood news! Michael Jordan’s ancient balls are still magical. The 50-year-old basketball legend and model wife Yvette Preito announced via Us Weekly that they are expecting their first child together, and grandpa-aged Jordan’s fourth overall. (Not-so-great-news for the various women who have unsuccessfully sued Jordan for child support.)

To get an idea of just how old of a dad he is, when this youngest son/daughter is 25 he’ll be 75, and by the time he or she is 50, like 2013-edition MJ, he or she will almost certainly be fatherless.

Just two more kids and he’ll have one for each championship ring….

Pauly D’s Sperm Count Apparently Not Affected by Hair Gel Toxins

pauly d hair gel french fry hairPauly D, second most well-known male cast member of Jersey Shore, is reportedly seeking custody of a lovechild he created during one of his many stints as a DJ in Vegas.

The now five-month-old baby was conceived with 25-year-old Amanda Markert, a fun-loving college student who formerly made a living peddling her dusty jugs across the wasteland known as Atlantic City.

It’s super shocking to hear that he not only wants custody of a potentially life-ruining applesauce guzzler, but that the booze, hair gel and tanning bed radiation didn’t stunt his swimmers.

I guess if Snooki can beat the odds and not incur damage to her eggs via electricity zapped through her Everest-sized poof, why can’t he? From Hollywood Life:

Pauly doesn’t think that the 25-year-old mother of his child, Amanda, is a fit mother because she used to work at Hooters and has another child, according to TMZ.

The two have reportedly filed dueling court docs because Pauly wants custody of his ADORABLE baby daughter, since he allegedly hasn’t physically seen the child yet. Amanda wants child support, even though Pauly is requesting custody — which may be a good thing, since Amanda took a picture of Amabella in a high chair that was covered in $100 bills.

Hey, Mr. D, Are you sure you got a legit paternity test? Because that churren totally has an afro.
Amanda Markert Dj Pauly d baby mamaPauly D lovechildamanda markert pauly d instagram
Read: Amanda Markert: 5 Things To Know About Pauly D’s Baby’s Mother

North West Has Kim’s Eyes and Kanye’s Look of Disgust

first image of northwest kris Kanye West revealed the first straight-on photo of his daughter, North West. No offense whatsoever, but the kid is really living up that androgynous male name. Babies are genderless to me anyway. And by genderless I mean invisible. And by invisible I mean I want one but I’d ruin its life. You know what they say though, worrying about being a good parent already makes you better than 80% of thoughtless, child-bearing MTV and government check-loving mofos.

This particular child, with its empty eyes and holier-than-thou air balance of ma and pa, made its debut on Kris Jenner’s talk show.

I wonder if Kim and Kanye are on the “troublesome bitch” list at the hospital. You know for me to be on that list I just have to be late, but for them it’s probably a bunch of crazy demands like pillows made from nearly extinct ostriches spliced with Kourtney’s placenta.

Alright, Alright, Jessica Simpson’s Baby Maxwell So-And-So is Pretty Cute

Maxwell simpson hairI always wonder if I should make this website all about me and just kind of disguised as a gossip site, or all about celebrities with no mention of my life, or some kind of balance?

Anyway, I apologize for my absence. A lot of bad things are happening to the people I love and I find it very hard to focus on being funny or commenting on the lives of those who can afford good health care and endless plane tickets to Ibiza.

What does this have to do with a photo of Jessica Simpson’s 15-month-old daughter Maxwell? Nothing. Just that she will never have to hear the word “no” because she’s adorable and wealthy with a Nordic, Hitler-approved face.

Shiloh and Suri beware, you’ve got competition.

Giant 13-Pound German Baby Will Give You Fever Dreams

giant baby germany
For all you royal watchers impatiently waiting for new pictures of Kate and William’s baby, stop. That shit is not impressive or interesting. A German woman giving birth to a 13-and-a-half pound baby is.

My giant Siamese cat Raisin doesn’t weight much more than that. I mean, the kid is almost two feet long and it just makes me think he had a bit too much time to gestate.

Like, damn. Smoke a few cigarettes or something. Reduce the birth weight. You don’t need to put yourself through that. Your baby has a mustache and looks like pre-Weight Watchers Horatio Sanz.  Continue reading “Giant 13-Pound German Baby Will Give You Fever Dreams”

Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles

Simon Cowell Lauren Silverman boat
Idol/Britain’s Got Talent/X-Factor judge Simon Cowell knocked up his friend’s wife, this kind of Demi Moore-looking woman that he likes to look at through binoculars even though she’s sitting right in front of him.

The baby mama, Lauren Silverman, is being compared to Blake Lively’s character on Gossip Girl because she’s a New York socialite. According to sources, she used his penis to wipe her tears after becoming estranged from her husband, Simon’s past-tense friend. (Who’s the third wheel now, bitch?)  Continue reading “Simon Cowell Impregnated The Woman He Sometimes Ogles”

Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall

best William and Kate photosSo I was sitting with my mom in my apartment with CNN muted in the background while she checked her email, and upon glancing at the TV and seeing a segment on Kate Middleton’s labor, she goes, “People have been giving birth for centuries, what’s the big deal?”

As I watched her shake her head in that effectively unimpressed way that only a feisty mother can, I thought about how right she was.

Every time someone throws confetti and cigars and baby-proofing items at the sky lords just because some baby successfully slid out of some woman I lose my wings.

And that’s exactly who Kate Middleton is. Some woman. And Prince William is some man who shot a load into that specific woman making a human being that could either be a huge disappointment or a minor success in the form of someone who doesn’t cheat on his taxes or ignore elderly street-crossing ladies.  Continue reading “Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall”

This is Adele’s Baby and This is Her New Tattoo

first pic of adeles babyYES I’m avoiding talking about Jessica Simpson’s new baby Ace Knute, future best friend of Jason Lee’s son Pilot Inspektor, to discuss Adele and her son. This because non-talented, unintelligent Jessica seems like a Pez dispenser of children despite only having two and I’m just plain sick of reading about her and her protruding stomach.

Onto the beloved siren of the Southern England, second-in-command at the Order of Break-Up Anthem High Priestesses above Swift and below Morissette…

Mrs. Adkins, who does have the potential to become a sad log ride/dispenser since she once told Vogue UK “If I ever have children, I want five boys” (because girls don’t love their mothers and “can be so mean to each other”), recently took her son Angelo to drool, spit, poop, barf and cry in the general direction of polar bears and snow leopards at the zoo in Central Park, NYC.

Continue reading “This is Adele’s Baby and This is Her New Tattoo”

How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo

channing tatum jenna dewan baby picI get slightly confused when people say Channing Tatum is smart.

I mean, smarts don’t really matter much when you’re that handsome and charismatic, I’m just saying that when the zombie apocalypse comes and the undead come looking for brains they may just pass him up. 

Regardless, the director of White House Down said he wouldn’t have cast Tatum if he hadn’t been so nice and “super smart” and poke-a-hole-in-the-condom worthy.

Beautiful brainless people do have their moments. Kim Kardashian had hers with the whole baby photo switcheroo and Charming Potato and his wife Jenna Dewan had a similar, f*ck those people moment involving their newborn…

Instead of selling their tater tot’s smashed skin fold pug face (I’m speaking generally here) to Us Weekly or People for a fat paycheck, the Potato family decided to simply put a photo of Everly Tatum on Facebook.

Continue reading “How Channing Tatum Snubbed The Press With a Single Facebook Photo”

Kim Kardashian Sent Out Fake Baby Photos to Weed Out Rats

kim and kanye fake babyInspired by the seasons of The Sopranos she just watched because she heard about James Gandolfini’s death and thought it was a prequel to Sister Act, Kim Kardashian cracked her shaved knuckles and practiced her skills as an accomplished and menacing mob boss on her friends.

In an attempt to weed out the rats, Kim sent fake photos of her and Kanye’s brand new baby North West to a select group of peers and acquaintances.

The snitches apparently weren’t afraid enough of getting stitches. From TMZ:  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Sent Out Fake Baby Photos to Weed Out Rats”

Kim and Kanye Named Their Baby North, As In ‘North West’

kanye and kim basketball game Surely you heard that Kim and Kanye named their love child North West, as in Oregon and Washington. Or in their case, Kris Jenner and Kris Jenner (always watching). The child, born at Cedars-Sinai — where all the celebs give birth, overdose and eventually die — currently has no middle name and is being called “Nori” for short, an apparent combination of her parent’s middle names, Noel and Omari.

I’ve been thinking of ways this family can expand their ever-growing empire and I think this baby is the catalyst…

If they would just listen to me and give it the middle name “By,” as in North By [North] West, they could start a music and arts festival featuring only their blood relatives.  Continue reading “Kim and Kanye Named Their Baby North, As In ‘North West’”