Oprah Winfrey Reveals Lifelong Fear of Balloons

Oprah BalloonsFor the spooky Halloween issue of O, Oprah admits she has always been afraid of the sound of balloons popping, just as I am afraid of hoards of greedy clapping middle-aged women with bingo wings. And clowns. Oh wait, same thing.

“I don’t like balloons, and for my 40th birthday my entire staff decided to surprise me,” 59-year-old Winfrey recalls. “I come downstairs and the entire audience is filled with balloons. Literally, I’m stepping over balloons, having to walk through balloons and I’m so, like, ‘Oh! When is one going to pop?'”

What’s worse, this or Tyra’s fear of dolphins? Probably Tyra’s thing because sometimes you can’t get out of a child’s birthday party without a really good excuse, but going to Sea World is never mandatory unless a dying child asks you to go for Make-A-Wish. Or if you’re a really smart parent, you get your kid to ask Tyra AND Oprah to go to Sea World on their birthday and you tie balloons to the dolphins, get a bowl of popcorn and watch those bitches howl.

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Justin Bieber Turned 18 And The Internet Didn’t Break (Two Miracles In One)

On March 1, 1994 Justin Bieber was birthed from the sky, floating down to us on a pillow made from virgin hair and maple bars. The day is important to more than just 2 billion preteens who sing “Baby” on their home Karaoke machine nightly.

It’s a big deal for Selena Gomez too! The LAPD no longer have her on their statutory rape watchlist. The two can bone in public (on the beach, the wing of a plane, wherever) instead of a rented out Staples Center with Titanic playing on a projector screen.

Unfortunately no pictures of the Biebs seductively blowing out candles on a penis cake or snorting heroin off Demi Lovato’s elbow have surfaced. The only “surprise” is that he’s buying a mansion and releasing a new single on March 26, co-written by Mike Posner and called “Boyfriend.”  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Turned 18 And The Internet Didn’t Break (Two Miracles In One)”

Selena Gomez Is Hungry, Hit By Lights And Swallowed By Balloons

It really wouldn’t be hard for a balloon to eat Selena Gomez, seeing as she’s tragically skinny, though we can blame that on her youth. If she still looks this malnourished when she’s 25, I’m calling the psych ward.

In case you were wondering, this is a clip from the teaser video for her new song “Hit The Lights.” I can already tell it’s not going to be as good as the “Love You Like A Love Song” or “Naturally” videos.

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