Shotgun Wedding for Mila and Ashton?

Mila kunis pregnant clippers gameRecently engaged Mila Kunis will not be able to enjoy all the free bottles of bourbon that her latest gig as the face of Jim Beam will earn her, if she is actually pregnant, as E! is reporting.

Maybe Ashton can hand them out to Bruce Willis and Laura Prepon in the hospital waiting room? Or the expecting father could use them to numb the trauma of watching his boo push an enormous him-sized baby out her tiny Ukrainian vajay.

Kunis is pregnant with the couple’s first child, a source confirms exclusively to E! News just weeks after being first to report that the former That ’70s Show co-stars were planning to tie the knot.

The Ted star was even recently spotted attending a prenatal yoga class in Hollywood. 

Continue reading “Shotgun Wedding for Mila and Ashton?”

Shakira, Hurry Up and Have Your Baby! (Nobody Dances and Howls Like You Do)

Complimenting pregnant women is not easy for outsiders. Usually it’s friends and family showering the expectant mother with kind words about their glowing skin (and skin really is the only thing you can compliment because there’s so fucking much of it).

When Shakira posted this photo of her round belly, about to pop out an adorable little vagburster that better not taint her ability to yodel and make her hips tell the truth, I found myself reaching for something nice to say.

“Shakira looks great without makeup,” is what I came up with. Not bad, eh?  Continue reading “Shakira, Hurry Up and Have Your Baby! (Nobody Dances and Howls Like You Do)”

Adele Looks Like She’s Having Quintuplets

Adele and virtually unknown sperminator Simon Konecki were photographed wandered around London on Tuesday.

Girl is looking completely ready to give birth to a litter of hungry hungry hippos [with really excellent vocal capabilities].

The “Turning Tables” singer may have announced her pregnancy in June, but the human eye does not lie.

She is WAY more pregnant than a mere few months.

Ladies who have given birth in the past: give me an exact number? Six months? Seven?  Continue reading “Adele Looks Like She’s Having Quintuplets”

Just In Case You Weren’t 100% Sure That Megan Fox Was Carrying David Silver’s Baby…

Several months ago, Brian Austin Green tossed a fastball covered in tadpoles into Jennifer’s Body. After not answering yes or no to curious reporters, Megan Fox‘s status a pregnant woman has been confirmed by visual proof.

She and Green visited Kona, Hawaii for their wedding anniversary and Fox was photographed in a bikini with little David Silver kissing her belly like it held the Khaleesi’s second son.

Speaking of second children, this is the Beverly Hills 90210 star’s second child. His first, 10-year-old Kassius, was conceived with ex-wife Vanessa Marcil.  Continue reading “Just In Case You Weren’t 100% Sure That Megan Fox Was Carrying David Silver’s Baby…”

Jessica Simpson’s Baby News Upstaged By Kim Kardashian

Did you hear that Jessica Simpson confirmed her completely obvious pregnancy the other day? On Halloween?

Of course not, because Kim Kardashian got divorced that day. Bad news always trumps good news in the celebrity world.

It has Ms. Simpson wondering, “Is this a baby, what I have here?” (In tuna-confusion-voice)

No two million dollars for a People magazine spread covering the announcement, Jess gave her approval to Yahoo’s Omg! along with a picture that was already on her website, where she had originally written, “It’s true! I am going to be a mummy!”

Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Baby News Upstaged By Kim Kardashian”

Jessica Simpson Is Ten Kinds Of Pregnant!!

Jessica Simpson has neither confirmed or denied her pregnancy and as far as I’m concerned SHE DOESN’T NEED TO.

It is clearer than Perry and Bieber post-Proactiv that Jessica is ten thousands billion kinds of pregnant. She’s been harboring the seed of Eric Johnson (former 49ers tight end) for at least four months now.

You’re all morons for even wondering if she’s with child, because that belly certainly isn’t the result of an early thanksgiving meal or a significant need to go number two.

Johnson and Simpson have been engaged since November of 2010 but have still not tied the knot. (Probably because she can no longer fit into her cliche Vera Wang body sheath)

Octomom’s Octobelly

Nadya Suleman, better known as the “octomom,” the one I really shouldn’t even be talking about due to the fact that she seems to revel in publicity, but these pictures can not go undiscussed or unseen. Well, they easily could, but I’m sick and I like to torture people…

Ms. Suleman is the proud mother of 14 children overall, so in all honesty this isn’t the worst thing I could imagine. Evil Beet mentioned it looking like Voldemort’s face (slit nose) and not only do I agree but I have a message for all potential mothers out there…

EVEN IF YOU ARE SKINNY, YOUR BODY IS GOING TO GET FUCKED THE FUCK UP.

Continue reading “Octomom’s Octobelly”

Sinead O’Connor Looks Like Harry Potter’s Fat Cousin

Sinead O’Connor, is a respected artist right? Her cover of Prince’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” was the wispy, teary-eyed anthem of 1990 and beyond. It was also a number one on the US Hot 100 Chart, and Connor herself gained notoriety in 1992 by tearing and burning a picture of the pope during a performance of her song “War,” on Saturday Night Live. She was also the hip, sensitive, bald activist/extremist 90’s singer version of Natalie Portman.

So explain this new look to me, which the Irish singer debuted while she was singing backup for former Bob Marley keyboardist Natty Wailer and Celtic folk singer Damien Dempsey at Bray Summerfest 2011.

The festival takes place south of Dublin, Ireland, and Connor took the stage to support Dempsey and Wailer on August 7th, where she showed of her business lady jacket, mullet-bowl haircut, glasses, multiple-chin, giant hip-hop cross, sheer belly-net and black camel-ball pants.

She’s 44, but really really looks like a rebellious little boy chanting scripture from the Torah at his Bar Mitzvah, attempting to piss off his parents with leftover prop jewelry from a Madonna video.

It’s been seven hours and fifteen days
since you took your wand away
I go out every night drinking butterbeer all day
since you took your wand away
since you’ve been gone I hear Moaning Myrtle’s haunts
I can see Snape if I choose
I can eat dinner at Hogsmead restaurants
but nothing can take away this news
cause nothing compares to
nothing compares to you (Hermione)

[Sung by Irish sensation Harry Potter Connor Jr.]