Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall

best William and Kate photosSo I was sitting with my mom in my apartment with CNN muted in the background while she checked her email, and upon glancing at the TV and seeing a segment on Kate Middleton’s labor, she goes, “People have been giving birth for centuries, what’s the big deal?”

As I watched her shake her head in that effectively unimpressed way that only a feisty mother can, I thought about how right she was.

Every time someone throws confetti and cigars and baby-proofing items at the sky lords just because some baby successfully slid out of some woman I lose my wings.

And that’s exactly who Kate Middleton is. Some woman. And Prince William is some man who shot a load into that specific woman making a human being that could either be a huge disappointment or a minor success in the form of someone who doesn’t cheat on his taxes or ignore elderly street-crossing ladies.  Continue reading “Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall”

Darth Vader, Voldemort and Sally Jessy Raphael React to Kim Kardashian Giving Birth

Voldemort darth vader sally jessy raphael
Kim Kardashian’s vagina became a protractor last night and erupted into full saber-toothed tiger early this morning. I mean, contractions. And labor. Either way, the red priestess gave her a baby 5 weeks early because, you know, sorcery is not an exact science.

Three of the most dreaded villains of all time commented on the news on Twitter.

First, Sith Lord electrocutioner Darth Vader wrote that he is “no longer the worst parent in the universe,” with The Dark Lord Voldemort adding “No word on which ‘K’ name she gave it but I’m hoping for ‘Kreacher.'”

Never one to let her poker buddies have the last word, Skynet Talknet mastermind Sally Jessy Raphael slithered out of an abandoned glory hole and commanded one of her minions to type the above words.

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Perez Hilton Blessed With the Birth of a Hairy Baby

Perez Hilton son After a semi-secret, four-year search for a surrogate mother, online entrepreneur Perez Hilton finally found a match and is now the proud father of a baby boy.

“I am ready to announce that earlier this month I was blessed with the birth of my first child, a beautiful and healthy baby boy – with lots of hair on his tiny head,” Hilton, real name Mario Lavandeira, wrote on his website yesterday afternoon.

Perez said in a 2009 interview with the Los Angeles Times that his “professional mom” Teresita Lavandeira would become a “professional grandmother” if he ever had kids. As in, no nanny.

A lot of people seemed really surprised by this news because he’s not exactly Donny Osmond-wholesome, but do I really need to remind you of all the less-worthy celebs who have children?

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