James Franco’s Birthday Cake Hurts Me All Over

James Franco birthday cake James Franco turned 35 on April 19. This is his completely unappetizing birthday cake.

It’s adorned with a sickly grey dildo, anal beads, a ball gag, and tasseled leather whip.

Franco said little about it on WhoSay besides that it was presented to him in Miami. Not a word about what it tasted like (cherry-flavored earthworms?) or why it was given to him and not Ian Somerhalder or whoever’s rumored to play Christian Grey this week.

I’m looking at this cake with my eyes, and it’s hurting other parts of my body, including my stomach.

The beads look like a child at an impoverished art school’s attempt to sculpt the hungry hungry caterpillar, the gag makes me think of Pulp Fiction and the strap-on looks like congealed seal skin.

Now It’s Ra Ra Lady Gaga’s Birthday

On this date in history the queen of America was born, the day after Mariah Carey and Fergie Ferg and the very same as Xena and Führer Elle MacPherson.

Lady Gaga has had so many memorable moments since 2008 that I have trouble naming one in particular.

Instead, I posted this picture of her from a few days earlier with no makeup plus a sad piece of cake that someone who hated her must have bought at Chuck E. Cheese for New York adults. I’ll never forget how amazing The Fame was but I’ll also never wash the lingering scent of mediocrity, failed controversy attempts and successful stabs at narcissism on Born This Way. 

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Rihanna And Chris Brown Release Dueling Remixes

Chris Brown is on a Rihanna song (the “Birthday Cake” remix) and Rihanna is on a Chris Brown track (“Turn Up The Music” remix) both of which were released yesterday.

Brown encouraged people to buy his music on Twitter and wrote things like “Number one trend! IM DONE” and “Just so teambreezy knows… I’m never ‘ANGRY’ when I speak my mind on twitter! They want me to be mad! Thats the difference! Love.”  Continue reading “Rihanna And Chris Brown Release Dueling Remixes”

Let’s Talk About Rihanna’s Leaky New Album

Rihanna’s new CD, Talk That Talk, was leaked yesterday in all its standard edition glory, and seems okay. I think I like it about as much as I liked Loud when I first heard it, which is not much at all. Sadly there’s absolutely nothing as catchy as “Only Girl (In The World) or “S&M.”

There’s two noticeably strange things about it, the intro track (at least I think it’s the intro, these songs may be out of order) “Birthday Cake”  is a minute and 18 seconds long yet manages to stick in my head for the lines,

“It’s not even my birthday/But he want to lick the icing off/I know you want it in the worst way/Can’t wait to blow my candles out/He want that cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake.” 

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