Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday”

So many musicians – even those who make stripper pop – are out to impress their ever-disappointed parents, but I believe Katy Perry releases at least one music video per album with the goal of giving her preacher father an aneurysm. Unfortunately, this one doesn’t quite have the nudity to do the trick.

Like Charlize Theron, Perry loves ugling herself up for the sake of her art. She’s also ten million acres of firework and whipped cream trucks out of the league of every guy she dates, but that’s another story.

In the “Birthday” video, a sort of follow-up to “Last Friday Night,” she’s unrecognizable as 4 of the 5 characters of different genders and religions (the Bar Mitzvah DJ is the ultimate f*ck you to daddy) she plays.

Continue reading “Video: Katy Perry – “Birthday””

Oprah Winfrey Reveals Lifelong Fear of Balloons

Oprah BalloonsFor the spooky Halloween issue of O, Oprah admits she has always been afraid of the sound of balloons popping, just as I am afraid of hoards of greedy clapping middle-aged women with bingo wings. And clowns. Oh wait, same thing.

“I don’t like balloons, and for my 40th birthday my entire staff decided to surprise me,” 59-year-old Winfrey recalls. “I come downstairs and the entire audience is filled with balloons. Literally, I’m stepping over balloons, having to walk through balloons and I’m so, like, ‘Oh! When is one going to pop?'”

What’s worse, this or Tyra’s fear of dolphins? Probably Tyra’s thing because sometimes you can’t get out of a child’s birthday party without a really good excuse, but going to Sea World is never mandatory unless a dying child asks you to go for Make-A-Wish. Or if you’re a really smart parent, you get your kid to ask Tyra AND Oprah to go to Sea World on their birthday and you tie balloons to the dolphins, get a bowl of popcorn and watch those bitches howl.

Continue reading “Oprah Winfrey Reveals Lifelong Fear of Balloons”

James Franco’s Birthday Cake Hurts Me All Over

James Franco birthday cake James Franco turned 35 on April 19. This is his completely unappetizing birthday cake.

It’s adorned with a sickly grey dildo, anal beads, a ball gag, and tasseled leather whip.

Franco said little about it on WhoSay besides that it was presented to him in Miami. Not a word about what it tasted like (cherry-flavored earthworms?) or why it was given to him and not Ian Somerhalder or whoever’s rumored to play Christian Grey this week.

I’m looking at this cake with my eyes, and it’s hurting other parts of my body, including my stomach.

The beads look like a child at an impoverished art school’s attempt to sculpt the hungry hungry caterpillar, the gag makes me think of Pulp Fiction and the strap-on looks like congealed seal skin.

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach

Jenna Jameson 39th birthdyRetired porn star, mother of twins and “Best American Actress” Jenna Jameson was arrested for battery on Saturday night in Orange County.

Jameson, who has been celebrating her 39th birthday for the past two months, was wandering around Balboa in Newport Beach with friends when she got into an argument and attacked “someone.”

From TMZ:

We’re told the alleged victim put Jameson under citizen’s arrest and then flagged down a police officer. The cop arrived and cited Jenna for battery. She was later released.  Continue reading “Welcome to the O.C., Bitch: Jenna Jameson Arrested for Assault in Newport Beach”

Miley Cyrus Got What She Wanted For Her Birthday

Miley Cyrus stripper buttLike all Disney-related acts before her, Kiyomi from The Real L Word Miley Cyrus has made the transition from butterfly-loving cutie patootie to crunk, stripper-fondling, underfed member of ICP.

“If I don’t get atleast one big booty hoe my friends are officially not my friends anymore,” Cyrus wrote before her 20th birthday party last month.

You know it was a good get-together when random, Vegas-y photos are still surfacing (TMZ dug this one up yesterday).

To recap, Miley Cyrus still has friends and Liam Hemsworth has officially seen less naked girls than his wife has (see her performance at “Christmas Creampies”).  Continue reading “Miley Cyrus Got What She Wanted For Her Birthday”

Britney Spears is 31 Years Old Today!

Britney Spears Santa outfitHappy birthday to my all time favorite pop star – wincing X-Factor judge, and Kevin Federline survivor Britney Spears!

Original queen of the gas station turned 31 today. No exact word on how she’s celebrating or what undeserving fiancé Jason Trawick gave her as a gift.

She did tweet a photo of latest addition to the Spears family, Hannah the dog, standing on a birthday card and later thanked her fans and wrote that she was having an “absolutely wonderful birthday.”

I’m going to encourage you to check out a certain lesser-known landmark moment in her career… The Christmas song “My Only Wish (This Year).” Released in 2000, the song is predictably about how Britney wants a man under the mistletoe and in her sleigh.  Continue reading “Britney Spears is 31 Years Old Today!”

Demi Moore Spends 50th Birthday at Icy Anti-Aging Clinic

Happy birthday, prowling underfed cougar! Demi Moore turns 50 today and lady bought herself a present on Wednesday – a sexy cryotherapy session at a clinic in Los Angeles.

Here’s how it works: you walk into a chamber that blasts you with extremely cold air, basically shocking your body into producing more heat and collagen, which increases your metabolism and makes your skin look younger.

Cryohealthcare’s website boasts that anywhere between 500 and 800 calories can be burned following your walk in Dracula’s freezer. I’m not even going to knock this. I mean, she definitely doesn’t look 50.

If I didn’t know, I’d guess 41. If she’d just swallow a few sticks of butter, I’d probably be able to knock it down to 37.

Read: Demi Moore Parties in India With Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss Before 50th Birthday

Kim Kardashian Ate Ten Chocolate Cakes And Looked Like This Afterwards…

Kanye West took Kim Kardashian to Italy last weekend to celebrate her 32nd birthday then returned to New York to present her with a chocolate-covered cake that she wished was an engagement ring.

A witness told Us Weekly“She looked genuinely surprised and thanked Kanye with a kiss!”

On Wednesday Kim proved that she truly is a sweats and bra kind of girl. Also, she can eat an entire cake and 90% of the calories funnel into her backside and nowhere else.

Kim and Kanye are not engaged yet, but the black praying mantis widow is working on spinning a third web in which she will eventually consume Ye’s head in an ancient Armenian talent-eating ritual.  Continue reading “Kim Kardashian Ate Ten Chocolate Cakes And Looked Like This Afterwards…”

Wyclef Jean: Young And Free On Italian Bike

Wyclef Jean’s 43rd birthday was this month and he celebrated it by sitting on an American-themed [Italian] Motorcycle in his underwear.

Jean posted a photo last week of him on his prized Ducati 998 Bostrom with the inspiring message,

TODAY I AM 43 YEARS OLD! I look And feel 26! U cant keep à good Man down! Keep à smile when they want you to frown!”

And indeed, many did try to make him frown with responses like “THIS WHY THEY SHOT AT YOU IN HAITI NIGGA,” “Did you buy the Ducati w/ embezzled Haiti funds?” and “FUCK YO BIRTHDAY BRUH.”

Continue reading “Wyclef Jean: Young And Free On Italian Bike”

Look How Cute George Takei Is

Like all good nerdy liberals, I LOVE George Takei. Not in a molester way, I just wish he was my grandfather (Clint too) I mean how badass would it be if I was related to Sulu?

He’d probably give the best birthday presents too, and hopefully a realistic limited edition model of the Enterprise for graduation. Speaking of birthdays, that day just arrived for George yesterday, on April 20th. It was his 75th.

Today Robert Smith and Iggy Pop’s celebrated their special days but I’m much more interested in Mr. Takei. Look at this picture of him in Toronto celebrating. Ugh, I just want to abduct [insert beam joke here] him.  Continue reading “Look How Cute George Takei Is”

J-Lo Bought Her Son A Hot Wheels Truck

Jennifer Lopez bought her 25 year-old son boyfriend a customized Dodge Ram truck for his birthday on Friday.

People like to put emphasis on Jennifer’s age (she’s 42) and say they’re together cause he wants money and she wants to feel young, but it’s unnecessary.

I don’t criticize the age difference, I criticize her general taste in men, and this is a step down from everybody. Casper Smart might as well be Kevin Federline or former J-Lo hubby Cris Judd.

Continue reading “J-Lo Bought Her Son A Hot Wheels Truck”

Now It’s Ra Ra Lady Gaga’s Birthday

On this date in history the queen of America was born, the day after Mariah Carey and Fergie Ferg and the very same as Xena and Führer Elle MacPherson.

Lady Gaga has had so many memorable moments since 2008 that I have trouble naming one in particular.

Instead, I posted this picture of her from a few days earlier with no makeup plus a sad piece of cake that someone who hated her must have bought at Chuck E. Cheese for New York adults. I’ll never forget how amazing The Fame was but I’ll also never wash the lingering scent of mediocrity, failed controversy attempts and successful stabs at narcissism on Born This Way. 

Continue reading “Now It’s Ra Ra Lady Gaga’s Birthday”

Happy Glittery Butter[fly] Birthday Mariah Carey!

Mariah Carey turned 42 today. Her first album ever, the self-titled debut that contained “Someday” and “Vision Of Love” was released 22 years ago, in 1990.

Since then we’ve seen her at her best and worst. Her pricey wedding to manager Tommy Mottola that supposedly included no less than 50 flower girls.

The millionth clue that her mental age doesn’t come close to matching her actual years on earth – the time she surprised Carson Daly on TRL, stripping and handing out ice cream to audience members.  Continue reading “Happy Glittery Butter[fly] Birthday Mariah Carey!”

Happy Birthday Rob Kardashian! Here’s A Pic Of You In A Dress And Your Mom In Nothing

Rob Kardashian is such a lucky boy. His five sisters always seem disappointed in him and everyone forgets he exists until he randomly shows up on Khloe And Lamar, peering into the refrigerator, taking a nap or macking on Malika Haqq.

It was his 25th birthday on Saturday, March 17 and his lovely mother Kris Jenner decided that this was an opportune moment to post a naked pregnant picture of herself on her blog with the message:

“Happy 25th birthday to my wonderful, handsome son, Rob!! Rob, you are the best son a mother could ask for and you make me proud every day. I love you so much!!”  Continue reading “Happy Birthday Rob Kardashian! Here’s A Pic Of You In A Dress And Your Mom In Nothing”

Justin Bieber Turned 18 And The Internet Didn’t Break (Two Miracles In One)

On March 1, 1994 Justin Bieber was birthed from the sky, floating down to us on a pillow made from virgin hair and maple bars. The day is important to more than just 2 billion preteens who sing “Baby” on their home Karaoke machine nightly.

It’s a big deal for Selena Gomez too! The LAPD no longer have her on their statutory rape watchlist. The two can bone in public (on the beach, the wing of a plane, wherever) instead of a rented out Staples Center with Titanic playing on a projector screen.

Unfortunately no pictures of the Biebs seductively blowing out candles on a penis cake or snorting heroin off Demi Lovato’s elbow have surfaced. The only “surprise” is that he’s buying a mansion and releasing a new single on March 26, co-written by Mike Posner and called “Boyfriend.”  Continue reading “Justin Bieber Turned 18 And The Internet Didn’t Break (Two Miracles In One)”

Miley Cyrus Is Still Bananas, Plus Other Phallus-Related Things!

Miley Cyrus celebrated her Thor-brother boyfriend’s b-day by jumping on top of a table at Club Icon in Los Angeles and licking an ebony penis cake.

Here’s how the event went. Miley: Hey ya’ll, everyone sing to Liam, he’s 22 today! Liam: Thanks babe, you’re the best, but what’s with this cake?” Miley: You don’t like it?

Liam: It’s great, why don’t you JUMP ON THE TABLE AND PRETEND TO GIVE THE CAKE A BLOWJOB! Miley: SURE! Continue reading “Miley Cyrus Is Still Bananas, Plus Other Phallus-Related Things!”

Happy Ghost Ridin’ Birthday, Nicolas Cage!

It’s Nicolas Cage’s birthday today and I would like to celebrate him and perhaps all great actors who cannot seem to turn down a single script that lands on their desks. Samuel L. Jackson also falls into this category. Cage, who wowed audiences with a dramatic performance Moonstruck, and action hero roles in Face/Off and Con Air is a true national treasure.

What would I laugh at in the theaters if it weren’t for the Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance 3D trailer? And don’t forget Season of The Witch, one of my all- time favorite bad movies next to Van Helsing and From Dusk Till Dawn 3.

Continue reading “Happy Ghost Ridin’ Birthday, Nicolas Cage!”