James Franco’s Birthday Cake Hurts Me All Over

James Franco birthday cake James Franco turned 35 on April 19. This is his completely unappetizing birthday cake.

It’s adorned with a sickly grey dildo, anal beads, a ball gag, and tasseled leather whip.

Franco said little about it on WhoSay besides that it was presented to him in Miami. Not a word about what it tasted like (cherry-flavored earthworms?) or why it was given to him and not Ian Somerhalder or whoever’s rumored to play Christian Grey this week.

I’m looking at this cake with my eyes, and it’s hurting other parts of my body, including my stomach.

The beads look like a child at an impoverished art school’s attempt to sculpt the hungry hungry caterpillar, the gag makes me think of Pulp Fiction and the strap-on looks like congealed seal skin.

On Behalf of All of Portland, Let Me Apologize in Advance For ‘The Real World’

Marlon Williams The Real WorldI’m sorry that the male cast of The Real World: Portland are misogynist boars who spend their time flashing women and deciding who has the hottest ass in their concrete mess of a house. And I’m sorry that the nicest female cast member is a Hooters waitress…

It may be an accurate representation of the human race, but it’s a terrible representation of Portland, Oregon. In the first episode “Bondage, Butts and Burlesque,” the cast goes to – you guessed it – a burlesque show, where they run into swingers (okay, sort of accurate) and sweaty Jersey Shore types.

Yes we have clubs. Every town does. We have a nightlife that consists of microbrews, $2 Pabst, karaoke, concerts, strip joints and 24/7 Voodoo Donuts. The typical Portlander does not “go clubbing,” but typical people do, and I suppose that is the “reality” portion.  Continue reading “On Behalf of All of Portland, Let Me Apologize in Advance For ‘The Real World’”

Joe Jonas Denies Having Fifty Shades of Sex Tape Whoopee With Swiss Girlfriend, Blanda Eggbeater

Blanda Eggenschwiler Joe JonasPut away your whackin’ hands. Joe Jonas does not have a sex tape. Or so he says..

This week, wondrous rumors that the A.J. McLean of Jonas Bros filmed a drug-fueled, bondage-themed sex tape with his girlfriend, Swiss model Blanda Eggenschwiler, in Argentina surfaced. The video reportedly featured Jonas – the Anastasia to Blanda’s Christian Grey – being paddled in a Buenos Aries hotel. (Everybody’s favorite part was when he became confused about how sex toys work and yelled  “Owww! Don’t do that anymore!”)

Sadly, Joe denied getting his ass punished by ol’ bland eggs in a statement. “There is no truth or validity to the story. It is completely false,” his rep told TMZ.  Continue reading “Joe Jonas Denies Having Fifty Shades of Sex Tape Whoopee With Swiss Girlfriend, Blanda Eggbeater”

Don’t Look At This If Nipples Offend You

There are over four thousand species of mammals in the world and they all have one thing in common: nipples.

Lady Gaga is no exception, and she wants to make it known with this Christian Grey-approved ensemble that she wore out in Beverly Hills to dinner on Tuesday night.

You know you’re talking about a really unashamed person when you can’t remember how many times you’ve seen their areolas.

If this is your first time and you don’t believe that she’s shown them off before, here you go. Japanese Vogue, motherfucker.

Can you imagine being friends with her? Like, trying to tell her to tone it down…  Continue reading “Don’t Look At This If Nipples Offend You”

Creepy Lady Gaga Snuff Pictures (NSFW)

I mentioned previously in my Lady Gaga Is A Man (For Her “You & I” Single) article that matron monster had been in Japanese Vogue in 2009 where she debuted her male Pacino alter Jo Calderone…

Well now some very interesting outtakes from the photo shoot are being released.

And when you look at them, don’t worry, I also felt like I was being shown police evidence photos that once fell out of a sex offender’s “secret” album…

Ever hear that song, “Teenage Enema Nurses In Bondage?” Well, this is more “Legal Lady G In A Hogtie.”

So, yes, no more delaying, here are some graphic pictures of Lady Gaga, there’s a shot of her balls, or proof of ball absence I guess, and also some Bisquick boobs…

Continue reading “Creepy Lady Gaga Snuff Pictures (NSFW)”