Charlie Sheen Says Farrah Abraham Has ‘Tranny Boobs’

farrah-abraham silicone implantsSooo you probably know about the subcategory of pond scum that Farrah Abraham belongs to?

First we have Amber Rose, Paris Hilton, Snooki, and Kim Kardashian. People who didn’t do much to become famous but are able to sell perfume or clothing because they made an inadvertent sex tape, dated someone famous or got punched on TV.

Then there are the Courtney Stodden and Tan Moms of the world. Octomom and that girl Pumpkin (a person) who spit on New York (a person) on Flavor of Love probably fit in here too.

Farrah Abraham, star of porn and Teen Mom, who probably calls the paparazzi before every inane coffee enema, tanning session or boob job and DEFINITELY leaks texts from people who are much more deserving of fame, is part of this subcategory.  Continue reading “Charlie Sheen Says Farrah Abraham Has ‘Tranny Boobs’”

Selena Gomez’s Special Relationship With Hooters (The Restaurant)

Selena Gomez Harper's Bazaar 2013 Widowers, fathers, and okay-looking guys with extremely cute dogs are chick magnets. You know this, I know this, Sonny Koufax from Big Daddy knew it and Selena Gomez‘s dad knows it.

In the April issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Gomez sits in a Hooters, eating a deep-fried pickle and reminiscing about watching basketballs bounce with her father back in Grand Prairie, Texas.

“When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch Spurs games,” she said while vigorously shoving a pickle in mysterious sauce. “He started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that kind of became our thing.” 

Scarlett Johansson Gets Called a Bombshell Because of her Boobs and Nothing Else

Scarlett Johansson Elle Uk coverIn the February 2013 issue of Elle UK, sometimes-uptight, often-misunderstood Scarlett Johansson says that “any woman who is curvy and wears a gown to an event is, like, super sexualized.”

You hear that, Christina Hendricks and Sofia Vergara? When you wear a gown, everyone reaches for something, preferably the overseas edition of a certain fashion mag, to cover their boners with.

I think they both already knew. But I also think they know that it’s not necessarily because they’re curvy, but because they’re pretty actresses.

Not sure if the same reaction would arise if it were Rosie O’Donnell, and not Rihanna, in that black Armani dress with the suicidal neckline plunge.  Continue reading “Scarlett Johansson Gets Called a Bombshell Because of her Boobs and Nothing Else”

Amanda Bynes Posts Faceless ‘No Candy Diet’ Photos

Amanda Bynes no candy diet 2Today in Instagram photos, Oprah plays with eggs that aren’t Gayle King’s, and Amanda Bynes gets a few steps closer to never recovering her marbles.

Bynes’ Instagram account (@amandabynes4386) popped up in November, and was semi-verified by Amanda herself. I say this because I can’t believe these recent photos aren’t the work of say, a hacker. I’ve always been one of the few who thought she was more talented than Lindsay Lohan (it’s inarguable that she had a longer career, pre-crazy), and I really don’t want her to be this insanely random and smutty.  Continue reading “Amanda Bynes Posts Faceless ‘No Candy Diet’ Photos”

G-Spirits Pour Their Rum, Whiskey And Vodka Over The Teats Of Models

If you like alcohol and ridiculously out-there methods to make products unique, you’ll LOVE G-Spirits, a German liquor company that sells bottles of rum, whiskey and vodka that have been “poured over the breasts” of “special women” (underwear models).

The creators decided that dumping liquid on boobs before bottling, then selling it to refined gentleman James Bond wannabes for 129 euros (roughly $160 American dollars), was a great idea.

Sooo next time your boss is trying to butter you up, he might offer you this, instead of a cigar. Sports agents/boosters of colleges too. “Hey kid, you’ll be playing in the NFL in no time, here’s some shit a naked playmate used as a waterfall.” Mmm tit sweat.  Continue reading “G-Spirits Pour Their Rum, Whiskey And Vodka Over The Teats Of Models”

Kate Upton Transitions From Jerk Off Titty Girl to “High Fashion” Titty Girl in Vogue

When Kate Upton appeared on the low camel-toe edition of Sports Illustrated this year, Victoria Secret Stylist Sophia Neophitou told the New York Times, ” We would never use her… She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

Ouch, well Ms. Neophitou can kiss Kate’s big generic ass now that the model is high fashion’s new “it” girl. Ugh I feel like I’m on the set of Gossip Girl all of a sudden.

Former Paris Vogue Editor Carine Roitfeld dubbed her “The New Girl”, which sounds way better than “beat off material for teenage boys who steal their mom’s annual Victoria Secret Catalogue.” Nobody jerks off to Vogue. Nobody but Anna.  Continue reading “Kate Upton Transitions From Jerk Off Titty Girl to “High Fashion” Titty Girl in Vogue”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-29-12]

Developers of fighting game Dead Or Alive 5 are really pumping things up. (Kotaku)

Fargo television series helmed by Coen Brothers coming to FX. (Rolling Stone)

Japanese women and men are making their foreheads look like bagels. (Daily Mail)

Carrie Underwood gives 12-year-old boy his first kiss. (Global Grind)

Which pop star supposedly had a massive cache of meth in their house…? (Evil Beet)

Nicki Minaj bought Lil’ Wayne a really weird, really expensive car. (TMZ)

Firefighters called to cupcake shop where Amanda Bynes locked herself in bathroom. (E! Online)

Nicole Richie and George Takei will guest star on The New Normal. (iNews Hollywood)

Oliver Stone Touched Salma Hayek Inappropriately

Salma Hayek stayed cool as 66-year-old Savages director Oliver Stone touched her boobs on the red carpet outside of the Mandarin Oriental hotel in London.

Everyone else, on the other slightly less pervy hand, was completely disturbed by his non-subtle grab for her Mexican sugar skulls.

He’s been married for 15 years to Sun-jung Jung, and Salma’s been tied down since 2009 to a 50-year-old billionaire François-Henri Pinault.

I don’t care how small your wife’s bra is, Oliver. You’re no Woody Allen (he at least refrained from actually touching Scarlett Johansson’s bazoombas). Eighty percent of your movies suck!

Lindsay Longboobs Goes On A Shopping Spree

This is a photo of Lindsay Lohan doing some shopping in Venice Beach.

I know what you’re thinking – ‘god, I hope it was just laundry day, and that she was shopping for bras and shirts with enough fabric to cover the magical ginger map to Asgard known as her back.’

Here’s a math problem for you. If the Grand Canyon is 5,000 feet deep and Lindsay Lohan is standing naked at the top of it, how far do her boobs fall, and do they graze the bottom of its dusty basin?

If I saw Lindsay walking around near my house, like at the grocery store or something, not only would I not know who she was, but I would call the cops and pray that she would be taken to the cleanest, least-molestery psychiatric hospital in town with the most supportive straight jackets.

Oh how the mighty have fallen [5,001 feet].

Katy Perry Displays Major T&A At Water Park

Katy Perry’s bikini bottoms were partially forced off by rushing waves on Sunday at Raging Waters water park in San Dimas California.

Normally I’m a little on the fence about Katy. The public is always too busy looking at her fertility statue bosom to notice that her brain cells depleted at birth.

These pictures kind of make me like her, for multiple reasons.

One, she’s out with no bodyguards, just hanging at a public water park with friends. Second, she’s showing her completely regular looking plumber’s crack to civilians, and laughing about it afterwards.  Continue reading “Katy Perry Displays Major T&A At Water Park”

Breast-Baring Australian Robber The ‘Buxom Bandit’ Flubs Gas Station Burglary

An unidentified blonde woman in her 20’s messed up a robbery on Monday when she entered a Queensland Gold Coast service station and failed to cover her face. She also wore a single glove, like Michael Jackson with boobs! Eee heee.

The most noticeable thing about the security footage was her chest so maybe the ‘Buxom Bandit” as she’s being called, is in the clear after all.

But why bring a knife when you’ve got pre-baby Jessica Simpson artillery to use as a distraction?

Her male accomplice was outside filling up on gas as she ‘terrorized’ the clerk with threats and made off with under $200 dollars from the cash register. Continue reading “Breast-Baring Australian Robber The ‘Buxom Bandit’ Flubs Gas Station Burglary”

Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!

This is completely asinine. Is there really so little going on in the entertainment world that has to do a feature story on Jessica Simpson’s gigantic tits? Yes, they’ve gotten bigger. Yes, they look ridiculous. At this point she’s basically a sideshow freak. She’s Chelsea Charms (Porn star. Look her up, then vomit.). And let me tell you, no one looks at Chelsea Charms because they think she’s hot. I mean, nothing in the story even alludes to these massive balloons making her attractive at all. The picture they use in the story is totally unflattering.

Does anyone even remember why this clown is famous? She was a singer, right? No, seriously. I don’t remember. If she was I honestly cannot think of a single song of hers that was on the radio. I remember she was on some reality show with her husband that showcased how incredibly vapid and idiotic she was. I seem to recall she was part of the Mickey Mouse Club graduating class that included Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake. And…that’s about it.  Continue reading “Jessica Simpson’s Funbags Ahoy!”

‘Boobstagram,’ Instagram’s Seedy French Uncle

Two Frenchman have taken the best parts of the photo-sharing filter program Instagram and transformed it into “Boobstagram.”

It’s a compilation of thousands of pictures of barely-covered bosoms from Instagram (thanks, Paulina Gretzky), AND it promotes breast cancer awareness!

See, it’s right there on the front of the page:

“Showing your boobs on the web is good, showing them to your doctor is better.” 

Founder Julien GLT and sociologist Lionel Pourtau explain that their idea is “glamorous,” “audacious,” and “original.”  Continue reading “‘Boobstagram,’ Instagram’s Seedy French Uncle”

Evil Dead’s Bruce Campbell Talks Cleavage Signing, Demonstrates

Candace Bailey‘s sweet-as-pie Southern attitude combined with the willingness to do anything for good TV might make up for the recent loss of Kevin Pereira and his lightning-quick wit on Attack Of The Show.

Case and point, an interview with Evil Dead/Army Of Darkness legend Bruce Campbell.

The chainsaw-armed man dropped by AOTS, talking about Burn Notice, people naming their kids “Ash,” and the female fans.

Bailey: I hear you have lots of women coming up to you asking for autographs?
Campbell: The ladies have started to step up a little since Burn Notice has come along, and so you’ve got to manage that as a signable asset…  Continue reading “Evil Dead’s Bruce Campbell Talks Cleavage Signing, Demonstrates”

Jimmy Fallon Flashed At Book Signing

A woman wearing a fake mustache flashed her boobs at Jimmy Fallon at a book signing for Thank You Notes 2 at Barnes and Noble in New York’s St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Thursday.

She was escorted out shortly after baring her bosoms, and according to TMZ this isn’t her first offense.

I’ve seen lady flashers in public three times. At the Oregon Country Fair (it’d be a surprise to NOT see nudity there), an outdoor Violent Femmes concert, and a Howard Stern comedy tour. “Hot flasher” is an oxymoron.

How Dare They Change Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Boobs!!

Someone went ahead and altered a promotional photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt for the Lifetime tv-movie turned show The Client List to make her boobs look smaller and more covered.

Hewitt plays a mother who gives happy endings, which is already pretty spectacular. I would almost watch it based solely on that description if I hadn’t seen part of the Golden-Globe nominated movie.

Sadly it’s similar to Ghost Whisperer in that it never goes full retard, forever stuck somewhere between taking itself seriously and going consciously into Broken Lizard’s so-good-it’s-bad format.  Continue reading “How Dare They Change Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Boobs!!”

Steven Tyler Needs A Breast Reduction

It’s baffling to me that Steven Tyler was once considered one of the sexiest frontmen of the 70’s and 80’s alongside Bret Michaels and Mick Jagger. Now he’s more like something you’d snicker at on the National Geographic Channel or in your parent’s contemporary art history book.

This photo was posted yesterday on TMZ with the headline “Steven Tyler topless in Maui.” His boobs just keep getting bigger too, he’s definitely a B-cup, a future [insert inappropriate Hepatitis C joke here] C. Tyler may have a busy year in 2012. He’s signed on for one more season of American Idol, engaged and soon-to-be-wed, and was the first guest on Oprah’s Next Chapter, a new primetime series, January 1st.

Continue reading “Steven Tyler Needs A Breast Reduction”