Former Hugh Hefner Girlfriend Contemplated Suicide

Holly madison hefnerHugh Hefner’s most famous (and oldest?) girlfriend has written a tell-all book detailing her time at the Playboy Mansion.

In Down The Rabbit Hole, 35-year-old Holly Madison apparently describes living at the mansion and being with Hef as a “nightmare” that ultimately led to her “sitting alone in a bathtub contemplating suicide.”  Continue reading “Former Hugh Hefner Girlfriend Contemplated Suicide”

Double D*ck Dude Hopes to Bring ‘Something Positive to the Table’ With New Memoir

man with two penises bookThe man with two penises, aka Double D*ck Dude – who you may remember from his highly informative Reddit AMA – has written a book about what it’s like to live with Diphallia. While talking to Rolling Stone, he said he hopes to do more than just make money with Double Header: My Life With Two Penises.

He says his condition since becoming an internet phenomenon has allowed him to help people who feel different in general. “With so much negativity in the world, the ability to bring something positive to the table is a great feeling,” he says.  Continue reading “Double D*ck Dude Hopes to Bring ‘Something Positive to the Table’ With New Memoir”

Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer

Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was all the rage? You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting a woman with secretion-stained underwear daydreaming about Christian Grey blindfolding her and stuffing her with buttplugs in the back of his private jet.

The least-romantic story ever, about a man who is entitled to degrade women he barely knows because he’s rich and handsome, is so backwards it reminds me of an article I was just reading about how doctors used to diagnose horny women with hysteria. (It was also about crank-up dildos that look like a drill and blowdryer in one.)  Continue reading “Horrible Movie Adaptation of Horrible Book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has a Trailer”

Harvard Library Contains Book Made From Human Skin

Harvard dead skin bookLook closely at the accompanying image. Neat, it’s an old leather book. Well, look more closely because this motherf*cking book was once a person.

Harvard University has just confirmed that their massive library contains a volume bound in human skin. The 19th century French owner of the tome wrote a note explaining the choice…

“This book is bound in human skin parchment on which no ornament has been stamped to preserve its elegance. By looking carefully you easily distinguish the pores of the skin.”

It’s “meditation on the soul life and after death” and the skin came from the back of a female mental patient who suffered internal bleeding and died suddenly in the hospital. In other words you can (sort of) rest easy, because she wasn’t slaughtered for the sole purpose of book makin.’ In a way, her body was put to good use…  Continue reading “Harvard Library Contains Book Made From Human Skin”

Tori Spelling’s Sex Tape Will Never Be Seen (Because There is a God?)

Some PEOPLE hate Tori Spelling for being the perfect mix between a goldfish and a horse, but not me. I hate, no, “dislike” Tori because she’s always managed to keep a fraction of herself in the spotlight even though she’s lacking in the… everything department. Daddy gave her a free ride, life skipped the lemons and handed her lemonade, etc.

Beauty is not exactly a talent, but if it was, it would certainly not be in Tori Spelling’s possession, and she never developed a good personality despite never having to hire a bodyguard to keep strangers from groping her ass (like Kim Kardashian).

She is neither beautiful nor talented, and the recent news of her sex tape alarmed me until I learned that it would [probably] never see the light of day. From Radar Online:

Michael Jordan Rolled the Dice For a Famous VJ’s Virginity

mtv vj naked In her new book, former MTV VJ Kennedy talks about how her interview style was inspired by Howard Stern, an awkward encounter with Thom Yorke, and Madonna’s unlikely romance with Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins. And then there’s the time Michael Jordan tried to devirginize her with a pair of dice.

Not like, insertion.

Apparently she was sitting around in New York with Russell Simmons and Michael was all like “If I win, you come back to my hotel room with me tonight.”

She definitely makes it sound like he was joking, writing that he quickly reminded her that he had a wife and ended up agreeing to play for bball tickets instead of Georgia O’Queef.

From TMZ:

Kennedy says she freaked out because she was a virgin –and imagined MJ’s giant penis would “eviscerate me from the inside out” … so she asked if they could play for Knicks tickets instead.

Continue reading “Michael Jordan Rolled the Dice For a Famous VJ’s Virginity”

Would You Try a Recipe From ‘The Semen Bartender’s Handbook?’

Semen cocktails bookNatural Harvest author Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer is taking advantage of how weird people are with his new book, Semenology – The Semen Bartender’s Handbookon shelves March 3, 2013.

In an interview with SF Weekly, Photenhauer wonders why semen, as food, is any weirder than yogurt. Wording like “People eat all kinds of weird sh*t” and “at least it’s fresh” tells us that he basically did this because he’s bored.

I’ve heard of people incorporating sperm into their diet or beauty regime, but I’m just not a big enough fan of literal or metaphorical oyster shooters to order a “Slightly Saltier Caviar” or a “Watermelon Gin Jizz.”

Continue reading “Would You Try a Recipe From ‘The Semen Bartender’s Handbook?’”

Differences Between ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ The Movie And Book

Bradley Cooper Silver Linings Playbook As much as I loved Silver Linings Playbook the movie, I noticed some strange things with the timeline and didn’t completely understand why Bradley Cooper’s character suddenly seemed to forget about getting back together with his wife Nikki in favor of the girl (Tiffany, Jennifer Lawrence) he seemed to regard as a friend throughout the entire film.

Then, in the improper order, I picked up the book (with the faces and voices of the actors and actresses imprinted in my mind) and it all made sense. Here are the major differences between Silver Linings Playbook (2012) directed by David O. Russell, and The Silver Linings Playbook (2008) written by Matthew Quick…

Continue reading “Differences Between ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ The Movie And Book”

Britney Spears To Write A Fictionalized Account of Her Life?

I know “Fictionalized Account of her life” is an oxymoron but so is the idea of Britney Spears writing a book, which isn’t even a factor because celebrities don’t write books (unless their name happens to be Craig Ferguson or Tina Fey).

A new Britney Spears novel that will “most likely” be a work of fiction that incorporates “elements of her real life” will fit comfortably on your shelf next to Paris Hilton’s Confessions of an Heiress, Lauren Conrad’s L.A. Candy, Gorilla Beach by Snooki and Joey Buttafuoco’s Closure.

The best we can hope for from Spears’ not-yet-confirmed deal with Harper Collins is a whitewashed explanation for her behavior from 2004 to now besides that she has Michael Jackson “I-never-grew-up” disease.

Continue reading “Britney Spears To Write A Fictionalized Account of Her Life?”

Rod Stewart Used To Have ‘Ridiculous’ Sex Noise Wars With Ronnie Wood

In his new book Rod: The Autobiography (on shelves now), playboy musician Rod Stewart discusses his marriages, children, and long career both as a solo artist and as a songwriter/singer for Jeff Beck Group. One memorable excerpt relates to former Beck bassist and current Stones guitarist Ron Wood, who Rod shared living quarters with during sexy times with groupies.

“In the dark, behind the screen, going about our fumbly business, the schoolboy gene would kick in and Woody would make a ridiculous noise, and I would make an even more ridiculous noise, and then an escalating ‘ridiculous noise’ war would break out, culminating, frequently, in one or the other of us knocking down the barrier and burying the adjacent couple in a mound of luggage and chair legs.”  Continue reading “Rod Stewart Used To Have ‘Ridiculous’ Sex Noise Wars With Ronnie Wood”

The Best Excerpts From ‘Who I Am: A Memoir’ By Pete Townshend (Mick Jagger’s Wang)

Legendary The Who guitarist Pete Townshend was subjected to a four-month investigation by the police after they learned that he paid to access a child pornography site in 2003.

In his new book, Who I Am: A Memoir, Townshend explains that he typed “russian orphanages boys donations” (for charity) into his web browser and was horrified by the results.

“I used my Barclaycard once on a site with a button that (rather ridiculously) said ‘Click here for child-porn.’ The charge was $7, which I immediately cancelled, not wanting even this small charge to benefit banks and credit-card companies that allowed the transaction in the first place,” he said of the research he swears he was doing for an essay on his blog in 2002.  Continue reading “The Best Excerpts From ‘Who I Am: A Memoir’ By Pete Townshend (Mick Jagger’s Wang)”

Arnold Schwarzenegger Totally Recalls His Unbelievable Life With Maria, Brigitte And Mildred

Arnold Schwarzenegger is back in the public eye after his pubic affair with the younger housekeeper Mildred Baena because of his new book, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story.

The Sperminator discusses the affair in an especially humorous chapter where wife of 25 years Maria Shriver confronted him at the therapist’s office. He admitted to cheating but tried to reassure her by saying he was still “turned on” by her.

Imagine that in Arnold’s accent. And also him telling her she’s the “perfect wife.” In another chapter Schwarzenegger talks a separate “hot affair” with Brigitte Nielsen in 1985 during the filming of Red Sonja.  Continue reading “Arnold Schwarzenegger Totally Recalls His Unbelievable Life With Maria, Brigitte And Mildred”

J.K. Rowling Ditches Wands For Cleavage In ‘The Casual Vacancy’

Back in April, it was announced that Harry Potter darling J.K. Rowling would put hand to computer for a book directed at a more adult audience.

In just a day, Rowling’s first book since the series that sold over 450 million copies and made her the most famous living author in the world comes out.

It’s called The Casual Vacancy and it’s “a comic tragedy,” five hundred and twelve pages long, and about some sort of rivalry. Most importantly, it contains multiple laughable references to genitalia.

Here are three excerpts to blush and cackle over:

“That miraculously unguarded vagina.”

“The leathery skin of her upper cleavage radiated little cracks that no longer vanished when decompressed.”

” …With an ache in his heart and in his balls.”  Continue reading “J.K. Rowling Ditches Wands For Cleavage In ‘The Casual Vacancy’”

Fifty Shades Of Sasha Grey

Retired porn star/Entourage actress Sasha Grey is cashing in on the erotic novel craze brought on by E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Of Grey. And who better to compete with that franchise than a woman who starred in over 200 adult movies?

Deadline reports that Grand Central Publishing and Little, Brown UK have offered her a publication deal for an erotic novel called The Juliette Society.

“For the very first time I can create my own world, my own characters, my own story, and express my own vision with publishers who are just as passionate about the subject matter as I am,” Grey said in a statement.  Continue reading “Fifty Shades Of Sasha Grey”

Joey Buttafuoco’s ‘Closure,’ Better Or Worse Title Than Ex-Wife And Mistress’ Books?

This is the one time you’ll be wishing Joey Buttafuoco DIDN’T have debilitating health issues.

The mechanic whose “charm” caused his mistress, 17-year-old Amy Fisher, to shoot his wife in the face in 1992, is writing a book about the events that took place 20 years ago.

The notorious statutory rapist was inspired to write the memoir, titled Closure, after he almost died of diverticulitis (pouches of stool trapped in the intestinal lining) in December of 2011.

Maybe he can answer some important questions like “why did Mary Jo Buttafuoco wait until 2003 to file for divorce?” and “how on earth were TWO women in the state of New York interested in you?”

Continue reading “Joey Buttafuoco’s ‘Closure,’ Better Or Worse Title Than Ex-Wife And Mistress’ Books?”

Apple Store Employees Do Not Empathize With You, But They Are Trained To Pretend

Tech site Gizmodo got their hands on the “Genius Training” book for Apple Store workers. Like many commercial establishments, the company trains their employees to pretend like they relate and have sympathy for the customer.

Businesses do care about your happiness, but only because happiness equals money. It’s a cutthroat reality, one faced by anyone who reads the contents of this “secret” book of tips for selling iPods, iPads and computers.

There’s a list of banned words, which include “crash” (replace with “stops responding”), “hot” (replace with “warm”), and “bug” (replace with  “issue,” “condition,” or “situation”), but everyone’s favorite section is the one on learnable, sincere-sounding phrases…  Continue reading “Apple Store Employees Do Not Empathize With You, But They Are Trained To Pretend”

Exactly What Can We Expect From Jerry Sandusky’s Tell-All Book?

Here’s what the book Jerry Sandusky is writing in prison is going to look like…

Cheap font on the front cover. Picture of Jerry looking just happy enough for us to know the timeline. After 1990, when we assume he first started ruining the future’s of young boys, and before his arrest in 2011.

The body will reveal little. Page one: “I like football.” Page two: “I did nothing wrong.” Page three: “I swear I did nothing wrong.” Page four: “In 1998, when I was first investigated for child abuse, I did nothing.” Page five: “I also did nothing wrong after 1998.” Pages 6-200: “There are a lot of misconceptions about me.”

All we can hope for is a title less horrifying than Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story.