Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall

best William and Kate photosSo I was sitting with my mom in my apartment with CNN muted in the background while she checked her email, and upon glancing at the TV and seeing a segment on Kate Middleton’s labor, she goes, “People have been giving birth for centuries, what’s the big deal?”

As I watched her shake her head in that effectively unimpressed way that only a feisty mother can, I thought about how right she was.

Every time someone throws confetti and cigars and baby-proofing items at the sky lords just because some baby successfully slid out of some woman I lose my wings.

And that’s exactly who Kate Middleton is. Some woman. And Prince William is some man who shot a load into that specific woman making a human being that could either be a huge disappointment or a minor success in the form of someone who doesn’t cheat on his taxes or ignore elderly street-crossing ladies.  Continue reading “Kate Middleton’s Baby Broke the Internet and Also Her Uterine Wall”

Alcohol Made a 42-Year-Old Titans Cheerleader Confuse a 12-Year-Old Boy With a Full-Grown Man

Elizabeth Leigh Garner mugshot If you still believe in beer goggles – the effect of alcohol making people more attractive – then do you also believe booze could transform a child into a man right before your eyes? I say, yes to beer goggles, NO to the pedophile-friendly excuse.

In light of recent cases involving male rapists in India, Ohio, and Connecticut and here to remind us that women be also be creepy, predatory bastards, cheerleader Elizabeth Leigh Garner is being charged with sexual battery and solicitation of a minor for rape of a child after offering to perform oral sex on a 12-year-old boy at his home in Murfreesboro.

42-year-old Garner, who cheered for the Tennessee Titans until 2009, told a detective that she “got the boy confused with a man who also at the residence” because she was intoxicated.  Continue reading “Alcohol Made a 42-Year-Old Titans Cheerleader Confuse a 12-Year-Old Boy With a Full-Grown Man”

Perez Hilton Blessed With the Birth of a Hairy Baby

Perez Hilton son After a semi-secret, four-year search for a surrogate mother, online entrepreneur Perez Hilton finally found a match and is now the proud father of a baby boy.

“I am ready to announce that earlier this month I was blessed with the birth of my first child, a beautiful and healthy baby boy – with lots of hair on his tiny head,” Hilton, real name Mario Lavandeira, wrote on his website yesterday afternoon.

Perez said in a 2009 interview with the Los Angeles Times that his “professional mom” Teresita Lavandeira would become a “professional grandmother” if he ever had kids. As in, no nanny.

A lot of people seemed really surprised by this news because he’s not exactly Donny Osmond-wholesome, but do I really need to remind you of all the less-worthy celebs who have children?

Continue reading “Perez Hilton Blessed With the Birth of a Hairy Baby”

Sesame Street Tainted – Voice Of Elmo Accused Of Sex With 16-Year-Old Boy

I’ll so never look at that little red googly-eyed puppet the same way again…

Kevin Clash, the famous voice of Elmo and star of the documentary Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journeyis being accused of sleeping with an underage boy.

Clash has taken a leave of absence, admitting that there was a relationship but insisting that it didn’t begin until after the man (now 23) turned 18, and NOT when he was 45 and the victim was 16. Lawyers for Sesame Street believed there was not enough evidence to support the claims, which originally surfaced in June.

Continue reading “Sesame Street Tainted – Voice Of Elmo Accused Of Sex With 16-Year-Old Boy”

Ladies, Adele’s New Baby Is About To Galactically Ruin Your Life

Four months ago, after she was noticeably pregnant in a way that was undeniable to the mighty lord Jesus Christ Xenu Allah Buddha Angelina Jolie Spaghetti Monster, Adele confirmed that she was indeed with child.

Yesterday it was announced that the lady who was once known solely for creating songs for women going through breakups while menstruating into a pint of Cherry Garcia, had created something else…

Yep, 24-year-old Adele and 38-year-old turkey baster Simon Konecki are “ecstatic” over the birth of their baby boy who resides in a lavish ten bedroom home in Sussex with his parents.

Continue reading “Ladies, Adele’s New Baby Is About To Galactically Ruin Your Life”

I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!

The vodka prenatal vitamin guzzling queen of the Jersey Shore has sold her “big Snooki interview” (as they not-so-subtly stamped on their cover) to In Touch where she revealed the sex of her baby with Jionni LaValle.

Now, depending on dominant genes, this baby could end up looking like either Mark Consuelos (he’s half-Italian half-Latino just like their baby will be), or James Gandolfini, just because.

Their baby could grow up to be so many things… a firefighter like Snooki’s dad, a wrestler like Jionni’s relatives or a reality television star, like mom.

“Everyone said I was going to have a boy, and they were right!” Snooki told the magazine. “I thought it was going to be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls, it’s still my baby, no matter what.” The couple is deciding on two names – Lorenzo or Jionni Jr.  Continue reading “I Think We Have A Situation… It’s A Boy!”