This Woman is the New Lorena Bobbitt

Amber Ellis tulsa mugshotA Tulsa woman took Gaga’s “Show Me Your Teeth” lyric WAY TOO far when she took a bite out of her boyfriend’s unsuspecting penis.

31-year-old Amber Ellis did not get as far as knife-wielding Lorena Bobbit, as her significant other was able to wake up in time to fight her off and not lose his entire shaft, though he did receive “several stitches at the base of his penis.”

He was also treated for injuries to his head and neck, due to the fact that Ellis smashed him in the noggin with a laptop.  Continue reading “This Woman is the New Lorena Bobbitt”

Abercrombie Sales Drop Attributed To CEO’s Controlling Boyfriend

Abercrombie CEO memeAbercrombie & Fitch have been sued and scrutinized over the years for discriminating against basically anyone who doesn’t look like Brad Pitt or Heather Locklear in their early 20’s.

CEO Mike Jeffries, 68, has been vocal about his dislike for the overweight and disfigured cave-dwellers of Wal-Mart, admitting in a 2006 interview that his company only caters to “cool, good-looking people.”

Since the exclusivity remarks’ recent surface, Jeffries, with his unsuccessful plastic surgery, has been hilariously compared to the kid from Mask, Sloth from Goonies and Gary Busey.

Hard to feel anything but elated that Jeffries and his minions are being forced to close nearly 200 of their U.S. stores over the next few years due to financial troubles.  Continue reading “Abercrombie Sales Drop Attributed To CEO’s Controlling Boyfriend”

Lea Michele Not Planning on Dumping Cory Monteith While He’s in Rehab

Lea Michele Cory Monteith dinnerKind and generous soul Lea Michele has decided not to kick boyfriend Cory Monteith to the curb after he checked himself into rehab for substance abuse.

“I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this,” she says, as if she were the wife of a politician who cheated on her with an underage Thai boy. “I am grateful and proud he made this decision.”

Monteith first entered rehab when he was 19 and has described himself as a heavy drinker since age 13 who did “every and any drug” he could get his hands on.

You know those awful people who hate Anne Hathaway for no reason besides that she’s too “actressy?” I may feel that way about Lea Michele, and I don’t want to.  Continue reading “Lea Michele Not Planning on Dumping Cory Monteith While He’s in Rehab”

Wladimir Klitschko is Murdering Hayden Panettiere’s Vagina Again

Hayden P boxer boyfriend When considering going through with vagina murder, you don’t book a meeting with an all talk, no-action noob like Amanda Bynes. You want Hayden Panettiere, because she’s a goddamn expert on getting her vagina murdered daily.

On Sunday, 5’2″ Panettiere was spotted at a Miami Heat game making out with her 6’6″ ex-boyfriend, Ukrainian boxer Wladimir Klitschko. To recap, they broke up in 2011 after two years. He said managing a relationship “between two continents” was too difficult.

In actuality, it was because a reverse penis pump had yet to be invented. I mean, can you imagine sex between these two? It’s soul crushing.  Continue reading “Wladimir Klitschko is Murdering Hayden Panettiere’s Vagina Again”

Meet Britney Spears’ New Boyfriend, Non-Famous Guy #4 a.k.a. David Lucado

Britney Spears David Lucado mall Britney Spears has a new boyfriend/escort. He’s from Hotlanta and is currently working for a law firm in L.A., not as a lawyer, but as an errand boy. I’m guessing she met him online (Craigslist “free” section, under dirt/tools?) or because someone he works for is involved in her legal affairs.

By my count, he’s her fourth unfamous boyfriend after NOT-George-Constanza (but just as schlubby) high school friend Jason Alexander, amateur hamburger reviewer Kevin Federline, and uncle Jason Trawick.

Britney’s taste for famous guys (or their taste for her) was put to rest over a decade ago, when her true love broke her heart. (Unless we’re counting the four-night stand with Colin Farrell.)  Continue reading “Meet Britney Spears’ New Boyfriend, Non-Famous Guy #4 a.k.a. David Lucado”

Paris Hilton Sees Photo Op in Boyfriend’s Misery

Paris Hilton boyfriend injurySay you and your significant other are skiing in Lake Tahoe and he or she falls and splits their lower leg open to the point where the bone is exposed and it looks like a pair of dentures wrapped in a tomato…

Do you rush to their side and never leave it, or do use the paramedics’ snowmobile as a prop in your twisted photo shoot while your mangled lover bleeds in the background?

Throw some custom-made Chanel goggles into the mix and you’ve got sociopath-socialite Paris Hilton in the previously mentioned scenario. To be fair, I think that is actually her “sad face.”  Continue reading “Paris Hilton Sees Photo Op in Boyfriend’s Misery”

Pitch Perfect Come to Life: Japanese Pop Star Punished for Sleeping with Boy Band Member

Minami Minegishi shaved headJapanese popstar Minami Minegishi, 20, broke the cardinal pop group rule: never sleep with a boy band member.

Japanese tabloids published a story of AKB48 member, Minami Minegishi spending the night with her boyfriend Alan Shirahama, a dancer of boy band, Exile. After some begging, the singer was kept on the team but demoted to a “trainee pop star” for the band cash cow girl group AKB48.

Get this – the band is a rotating group of 90 girls who just train to dance, pout and squish their boobs together.

You gotta give Minegishi credit for being on trend, the poor starlet shaved her head and gives a teary apology letter to four million Youtube fans.  Continue reading “Pitch Perfect Come to Life: Japanese Pop Star Punished for Sleeping with Boy Band Member”

Like Jodie Foster, ‘Argo’ Actor Victor Garber is a Longtime Gay

Victor Garber boyfriendCharming salt and pepper-headed Canadian actor Victor Garber (left) of Titanic and Argo fame told a determined reporter at the Television Critics Association press tour in California that he is in fact gay.

“I don’t really talk about it, but everybody knows,” he responded after the journalist asked him about the man Wikipedia has rightly listed as his boyfriend.

The partner in question is bearded hunk Rainer Andreesen, a former model and current artist who has been at Garber’s side for 14 years.  Continue reading “Like Jodie Foster, ‘Argo’ Actor Victor Garber is a Longtime Gay”

Here’s Why Sofia Vergara’s Holiday-Themed Fights Are Better Than Halle Berry’s…

Sofia Vergara boob fell outSofia Vergara was involved in fight at a club on New Year’s Eve that was mildly reminiscent of the Gabriel Aubry/Olivier Martinez brawl, except not because Sofia Vergara wasn’t hiding in a corner applying hair gel like a pansy (Halle)…

Sofia’s hothead boyfriend Nick Loeb was reportedly tense because of the male attention Sofia was (/is always) receiving from “a friend.” Later, Loeb got into a physical altercation with some folks at a nearby VIP table.

It wouldn’t be a news-worthy Vergara moment if a body part didn’t burst out of her dress, and that’s exactly what happened when she tried to get involved.

Continue reading “Here’s Why Sofia Vergara’s Holiday-Themed Fights Are Better Than Halle Berry’s…”

More Hope Solo Drama, Soccer Star Gets Into Mysterious Scuffle With NFL Boyfriend

Don’t get me wrong when I say that a third domestic violence-related story involving Debra Morgan-lookalike Hope Solo has me thinking that she’s a bit of a drama-magnet and possible exaggerator…

Solo is a highly skilled athlete, famous for her MVP performance in the London Olympics for the winning U.S. women’s soccer team, writing a book and appearing on Dancing With The Stars in 2011.

In her memoir, Solo: A Memoir of Hope, she claims to not only have been violently shoved by a former coach, but hit in the stomach and slapped by her DWTS partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Continue reading “More Hope Solo Drama, Soccer Star Gets Into Mysterious Scuffle With NFL Boyfriend”

Taylor Swift Removes Hipster Testicles With Rusty Acoustic Guitar Strings

In an interview with The Guardian Taylor Swift talks about all the things you’d expect her to talk about – fairy tales, boys, youth, and hipsters.

She tells the publication that the line “And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind with some indie record that’s much cooler than mine” from “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is inspired by a guy who despised the mainstream.

That was the most important line of the song. It was a relationship where I felt very critiqued and subpar. He’d listen to this music that nobody had heard of … but as soon as anyone else liked these bands, he’d drop them. I felt that was a strange way to be a music fan. And I couldn’t understand why he would never say anything nice about the songs I wrote or the music I made.  Continue reading “Taylor Swift Removes Hipster Testicles With Rusty Acoustic Guitar Strings”

Kelly Osbourne Is Dating Alison Mosshart

Reformed “bad girl” Kelly Osbourne traded in her last boyfriend (who cheated on her with a pre-op transgender named Elle) for Matthew Mosshart.

If you’re at all familiar with the band The Kills, know that Matthew is lead singer Alison Mosshart’s brother and there is a strong resemblance.

In case the shorts and flowery kimono thing weren’t a big enough clue, they’re in Hawaii, for Jack Osbourne’s wedding.

Kelly also flaunted her bikini body, which is 50 pounds lighter because she eats cucumbers for breakfast.

In 2010 she told Shape that she’d “never worn a bikini” in her whole life.

Things change, but the Mossharts will always have long greasy hair.  Continue reading “Kelly Osbourne Is Dating Alison Mosshart”

Paris Hilton’s New Boyfriend Is As Crazy As Her Other Boyfriends

If I told you that Paris Hilton making out with a girl in a club caused her new boyfriend to get arrested for starting a fight would you be surprised in any way?

Good, me neither.

A man told police that he was in the XS nightclub in the Encore hotel in Vegas when Paris started making out with his girlfriend…

Then, Paris’ new Spanish model boyfriend/fictional Street Fighter character River Viiperi attacked the random clubgoer guy with the bi curious girlfriend.

TMZ reports that Viiperi injured him “so badly” that he “needed medical attention” at around 2:30 Monday morning and that Viiperi was cited for misdemeanor battery without going to the police station.  Continue reading “Paris Hilton’s New Boyfriend Is As Crazy As Her Other Boyfriends”

Anderson Cooper’s Boyfriend Caught Kissing Another Man

Anderson Cooper came out as a gay man just last month, but had long been seeing bar owner Ben Maisani (far left).

They had been dating for around three years, lived together, and were reportedly considering marriage and adoption.

Unless they  broke up, Ben has some explaining to do. He was spotted holding hands and making out with a mystery man in a New York park yesterday.

Much like Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders’ affair, there is photographic evidence.

After Anderson announced his sexuality to the world, close friend Kathy Griffin told him to “be careful.” I know this probably isn’t exactly what she meant, but ouch.  Continue reading “Anderson Cooper’s Boyfriend Caught Kissing Another Man”

Amy Winehouse’s Ex-Husband Blake Fielder Is In An Alcohol-Related Coma

A little more than a year ago, in July of 2011, Amy Winehouse died of alcohol intoxication.

Fielder, who married the troubled singer in 2007 and found himself divorced two years later, is in an induced coma after the mother of his child (Sarah Aspin) reportedly found him choking in his bed due to organ failure from alcohol intoxication.

Winehouse’s father Mitch often spoke out about the danger of his daughter’s relationship to Blake, but still urges you to send good thoughts his way. “Terrible news about Blake this morning. Remember Amy loved him. Let’s pray for his recovery,” He wrote on Twitter.

Aspin has a similar message. “I’m praying he’ll survive, but I’m having to prepare myself that he may never wake up.”

Octomom Has A ‘Boyfriend,’ What’s His Motive?

Nadya “Octomom” Suleman seems to be doing better, for her. The self-satisfying porn she’s in, Octomom: Home Alone, will hopefully pay off some of her reported debt of half a million dollars and she has a new man in her life and his name isn’t gargantuan prosthetic sexual device.

Suleman, who claims to have been celibate for the past 13 years (I tend to believe her) met her new boyfriend, amateur bodybuilder Frankie G, at church.

They were spotted at LAX kissing and canoodling after she arrived back in town from Philly. When asked if the age difference (he’s 23, and she’s 36) was a problem she responded:  Continue reading “Octomom Has A ‘Boyfriend,’ What’s His Motive?”

Clive Barker Accused Of Giving His Boyfriend HIV

Tuesday was a really odd day for celebrity news. Chris Bosh killed his masseuse (she actually collapsed while massaging him and died later in the hospital), Sheryl Crow was found to have a non-cancerous tumor, and Clive Barker gave his boyfriend HIV. Maybe.

According to a lawsuit filed by L.A. photographer David Armstrong, the man who wrote Candyman and directed/wrote Hellraiser gave him human immunodeficiency virus in 1996.

Armstrong claims they dated on and off from 1996 to 2009. Barker allegedly contracted the disease from his own cousin, and was into prescription drugs, alcohol, cocaine, meth and sex with younger (but not underage) men.  Continue reading “Clive Barker Accused Of Giving His Boyfriend HIV”