Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back”

Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted

Brad Pitt was punched in the face at the Los Angeles premiere of Maleficent (which is, let’s face it, Snow White and the Huntsman with a different cast) and his real-life evil wife did nothing to stop it.

Angelina Jolie was reportedly “busy signing autographs in another section” when the attacker jumped over a barrier and lunged at Pitt, but I believe she hired the man to punch her husband so other women would find him less desirable even though most of us haven’t desired him since Troy. (Ten years ago? Eek, I feel old.)

The assailant is notorious prankster Vitalii Sediuk, the very same who kissed Will Smith at the Men in Black III premiere and stole Adele’s award at the 2013 Grammys.

 
Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston is rejoicing…  Continue reading “Brad Pitt Gets Punched, Angelina Jolie’s Claws Stay Retracted”

Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face

Angelina and brad The Normal Heart Angelina Jolie white face
Angelina Jolie‘s makeup put-er-on-er let her down in a big way. Jolie arrived at a screening of her husband’s film, The Normal Heart with flour or cocaine all over her cheeks and nobody bothered to tell her!

That’s right, the most beautiful woman in the world forgot to look in a mirror…

Brad probably thought about mentioning it, but was afraid she’d spit venom and then a tail with a stinger would come out from under her dress and burning green venom would fly out of her lips as soon as he did.

You know, method acting to prepare for her role as a giant scorpion in Jurassic World. 

“What looks perfect in normal lighting can appear totally different when you have the harsh lights of flashing cameras on you,” Mark celebrity makeup artist Jamie Greenberg tells Us Weekly. “Many women think you can just touch up with any powder for a red carpet event, but all powders have different finishing textures.”

Mystery of the white woman doing whiteface, solved. Whoever chose that powder has no business working with anyone but people who don’t matter, like the cast of Sharknado 2. And redheads.  Continue reading “Mirrors Are For Ugly People: Angelina Jolie Shows Up to Premiere With White Stuff all Over Her Face”

Angelina Jolie Chose The ‘World War Z’ Premiere Over Her Aunt’s Funeral

Angelina Jolie World War Z premiereBrad Pitt washed his hair for last night’s World War Z premiere in London, maybe because his wife missed the funeral of her mother’s younger sister, Debbie Martin, to be there.

I’m not going to utter a single bad word about the woman who underwent a double mastectomy and sweeps refugee orphans off their feet like a humble superhero with shiny apple-waxed legs. Some might say that Angelina Jolie‘s alter-ego, the woman with no friends who fingerpaints with blood on other people’s husband’s nutsacks, needs to get her priorities straight. But not me.

Maybe her aunt was one of those “live in the moment” people who told her in advance to only attend her funeral if she didn’t have some sort of zombie movie event to attend. Maybe Angie prefers to grieve in her own way. Maybe she already said goodbye at a special one-on-one rich person pre-funeral.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie Chose The ‘World War Z’ Premiere Over Her Aunt’s Funeral”

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Have Two Nannies Per Child

Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie six kidsAngelina Jolie and Brad Pitt brought 12 nannies on vacation to Donna Karan’s house in Turks and Caicos. This according to Vanity Fair editor Jeffrey Slonim.

The story comes to Jeffrey by word of mouth, third-hand, so it’s likely to be some sort of wild exaggeration from a well-meaning West Indies gossip monger.

“Had read that the Jolie Pitts would be traveling the globe this vacation. But I’m not so sure. At lunch on a small island three away from Parrot Cay this morn, a woman said she’d heard from a local that they were in town with two nannies per child. Count ‘em, 12 nannies,” Slonim wrote on his blog.  Continue reading “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Have Two Nannies Per Child”

Brad Pitt Is Still Making Women Fall Out Of Love With Him In The Name Of Chanel

Seven million dollars and three teasers later and we are finally seeing Brad Pitt’s entire (31 second) Chanel No. 5 advertisement which consists of him being vague while looking like a pensive lesbian.

“Chanel No. 5… inevitable” says black and white Brad as he stares vacantly, probably wondering, like the rest of us, what these phrases and words mean or have to do with scented water.

Charlize Theron welcomely objectified herself for Dior. So what’s the deal with Brad wearing all these clothes?

Continue reading “Brad Pitt Is Still Making Women Fall Out Of Love With Him In The Name Of Chanel”

Chanel pays Brad Pitt $7 million dollars to cock tease women

What do you do with male sex symbols who have passed their sexual peak and reside in pussy-whipped village? Woman’s fragrance commercials. (see Timberlake for Givenchy)

In this series of short teasers, Brad asks “mysterious” questions like “What’s the mystery?” and “Are you going somewhere? … Where?”  Continue reading “Chanel pays Brad Pitt $7 million dollars to cock tease women”

What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!

Angelina Jolie’s recent engagement to Brad Pitt, father of her children and partner for seven years means doesn’t mean much to humanity. You’re just going to see a ton of pictures of her left elongated spider hand and the ring that adorns it.

Before you say it, Jennifer Aniston does not care about this news There are even [unlikely] rumors that she might go to the wedding. And how good would that feel? Showing up with Justin Theroux, looking happier than ever, relieved not to be with that toolbox that left her for another woman. Hopefully she gets a plus two invite so she can bring Chelsea Handler.  Continue reading “What Does Angelina Jolie’s Engagement Mean For Society? – More Pictures Of Her Hands!”

Charlize Theron & Brad Pitt For W Magazine February 2012

Charlize Theron shares cover duty with Brad Pitt for next month’s “Best Performance” issue of W. They are both known for dramatic roles that sometimes glisten with humor, like Theron in Young Adult or Pitt in Inglourious Basterds or Moneyball. The interviews mirror that acting style, like the moment when Charlize brings up having no teeth as a child in South Africa.“For the first eight years of my life, I didn’t have front teeth. I was pretty sick as an infant, and antibiotics rotted them. But then I started to take dance classes, and I eventually got some teeth [laughs]. When I was 16, I went to Milan to model.”

Continue reading “Charlize Theron & Brad Pitt For W Magazine February 2012”

Amazon.com Confuses Angelina Jolie (Brad Too)

Angelina Jolie can UNICEF the fuck out of Cambodia, Sierra Leone, Tanzania, and more, win an Academy Award, land the cover of Rolling Stone three times and parent six children, but she can’t figure out how to work a user-friendly website like Amazon.

Yes, apparently the nerd is not strong within Mrs. Jolie, who told USA Today that her and Brad, who like to get their Christmas shopping done early, basically needed GPS to navigate their way through the shopping site.

Continue reading “Amazon.com Confuses Angelina Jolie (Brad Too)”

Dear Brad Pitt: Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up!

Oh lord, he just needs to stop talking. Hoof in mouth alert, times two. Brad Pitt is STILL talking about the comments he made about Jennifer Aniston to Parade Magazine.

This is actually the third time he’s talked about this, if you count the original quote about how he “wasn’t living an interesting life” during his marriage to Jennifer Aniston…

He’s spending all this unwarranted energy on backtracking a comment that was clearly disparaging…

Continue reading “Dear Brad Pitt: Shut Up, Shut Up, Shut Up!”

Brad Pitt Is A Whiny Douche

In an interview with Parade magazine Brad Pitt said some unnecessary comments about his ex-wife, America’s sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston.

He also recently complained about starring in 1994’s Interview With The Vampire, to EW

To Parade, on his marriage to Aniston from 2000 to 2005:

“I spent the 90’s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony, I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself…”

Continue reading “Brad Pitt Is A Whiny Douche”

Brad Pitt And Kate Winslet Like To Save People

On the set of Brad Pitt’s new zombie movie, World War Z (also starring Bryan Cranston and Matthew Fox) an extra was on the verge of being trampled during a chaotic scene. So what did Brad Pitt/Achilles do? He scooped her up and prevented her from getting her head crushed like a sunflower in a hamster’s mouth.

Apparently, there were around 700 zombie/human survivor extras running down the street in Glasgow, Scotland and several suffered broken bones and severe bruising.

So it looks like he didn’t save everybody. Geez Brad way to only save one lady and not help everyone at once. What were you thinking?

Continue reading “Brad Pitt And Kate Winslet Like To Save People”