Mexico’s Golden Goalkeeping God Guillermo Ochoa Keeps Brazil at Bay


The World Cup is an amazing occurrence in sports to most, full of bright colors and whizzing balls on a field the size of space which usually excites me about as much as Ron Jeremy naked on a silver platter, but Mexico’s game against Brazil on Tuesday caught my attention.

…Or at least the muted highlights (seen here in glorious Gif form) on SportsCenter did.

Goalkeeper Guillermo Ochoa somehow managed to keep a tie-game interesting with his trampoline legs, Mr. Fantastic arms and steel chest. He’s The Avengers, Justice League and the Guardians of the Galaxy combined.  Continue reading “Mexico’s Golden Goalkeeping God Guillermo Ochoa Keeps Brazil at Bay”

Justin Bieber Visits a Brothel, Stands Up Fans in Brazil

Justin Bieber in a sheetJustin Bieber can’t get no satisfaction since his seemingly permanent separation from Selena Gomez, who seems to have completely tainted his feelings for “real” women.

Since visiting a strip club late last month, failing miserably (in a white sheet) to exit from a brothel in Brazil incognito, Bieber was most recently hit in the face with a water bottle during a concert. The boy disliked the sudden feel of plastic on his perfectly moisturized face, and ran off without returning to finish his set.

This is a simple case of neglect by his mother. All the kid really needs a blanket for his shoulders and a teddy bear that sings “if you want it, here it is, come and get it” when you pull a string in its back.

Lindsay Lohan Has Bruises All Over Her Legs

Lindsay Lohan bruisesWhile taking a dip in the waters of Brazil, Lindsay Lohan displayed some pretty large, above-the-knee bruises.

Let me explain this, in case you forgot what happens to your pain tolerance when you get sloshed on jungle juice… Drunk bitches fall hard because they don’t feel it.

Alcohol may ruin your vision, motor skills, and equilibrium, but it also turns you into Hulk, and Lindsay is no exception. Close your mouths and stop imagining that she’s being abused by Avi Snow or Max George or whoever she’s supposed to be dating now.

UNLESS one of them pushed her down the stairs without knowing that her “I’m pregnant” Tweet was a late April Fool’s joke. Here are some other photos of past and present damage: Continue reading “Lindsay Lohan Has Bruises All Over Her Legs”

Paris Hilton Takes DJing VERY Seriously

Paris Hilton told Hello! Magazine that she is less focused on sniff-testing perfumes and riding in cars with boys. These days, she’s all about being a full-time DJ.

On spinning at Sao Paolo Music Festival in May she says:

“I’ve been training every day for six to eight hours for the past year. I was up until 4am most nights, and then I had to change my set when I found out that it was going to be more of a pop crowd in Brazil, rather than a dance music crowd.”

While Samantha Ronson quipped, “It’s like me calling myself a doctor from reading WebMD twice,” but at least Paris’ professional beat-making boyfriend Afrojack could give her some pointers. I’m going to equate DJing to singing…  Continue reading “Paris Hilton Takes DJing VERY Seriously”

‘Welcome To Megan Fox Island’

Yeahh Megan Fox is in a new foreign commercial with none other than Mike Tyson, but don’t worry, they’re never onscreen at the same time, Megan’s earlobes and cavelady thumbs are intact.

The ad is for CCAA, a Brazilian school that has hopes of implementing universal education of the English language. It features two dudes who find themselves in a mysterious water-surrounded land covered in multiple Megan Foxes, thus “Megan Fox Island.”

When she finds out they don’t speak English she and her clones echo the words “oh no,” catch them in a net and ship them somewhere else… Continue reading “‘Welcome To Megan Fox Island’”

Courtney Love’s Marbles – Still Not Recovered

The Hole frontwoman became excruciatingly infuriated when she noticed a fan holding a picture of Kurt Cobain on the second day (November 13th) of Brazil’s SWU Music & Arts Festival.

Though the Foo Fighters and Dave Grohl were not present, Courtney started making random insulting comments about them. She actually walked off stage after she saw the photo, and had her replacement Hole member incite the crowd to chant “Foo Fighters are gay” in order to make her come back.

Continue reading “Courtney Love’s Marbles – Still Not Recovered”