Nobody Smiles More Than Nicole Richie Being Walked Like a Dog by Britney Spears

Nicole Richie leash Britney spearsTwo of my great guilty pleasure loves are Britney Spears and also The Simple Life, specifically Nicole Richie because she was kind of a looney tune, but a conscious looney tune who didn’t give a crap about anything but getting high and saying made-up words in a chipmunk voice.

Britney Spears is my favorite because every song she makes sounds like porn.

Die-hard-fan-since-age-15 Richie recently visited The Tonight Show to talk about the she went to Vegas to see Britney and her dancers put a harness on her, brought her on stage and handed her leash to Britney, who proceeded to walk her like a dog and how it was the best moment of her life, better even than her wedding to that guy with a fedora glued to his head. 

Read: Crosby, Stills, Nash, and ‘Young’ Cover Iggy Azalea’s ‘Fancy’ on ‘Jimmy Fallon’

Video: Britney Spears – “Perfume”

Britney’s new single almost has better lyrics than “Phonography” from Circus (“I like my bluetooth, buttons comin’ loose”) and “Email My Heart” (self-explanatory) from …Baby One More Time.

In “Perfume” Britney is the other woman, singing “I hope she smells my perfume” and “I want it all over you, I’m gonna mark my territory.” All because of some bitch named Cindy.
Britney Spears Perfume still 1
OF COURSE Britney strips down to sexy granny panties and sprays Fantasy all over her stomach.

Video: Britney Spears – “Work B*tch”

I’m posting this and not “Pour It Up” because Rihanna is lazy in a chair in that and Britney stands for most of “Work Bitch” despite them both letting other bitches do most of the dancing.

Do the sharks remind anyone else of Britney’s past five boyfriends?  Continue reading “Video: Britney Spears – “Work B*tch””

Britney of ‘It’s Britney, Bitch’ and Co. is Back

Britney spears work bitch album art single Even though Britney’s Femme Fatale album and the accompanying tour feel like yesterday, fans can’t exactly complain about a new single and Vegas-themed music video for “Work Bitch,” NOT TO MENTION a collaboration with Miley Cyrus, which will be good if studio engineers did the right thing and turned the volume down on the sexless, real-life rodent and up for the Mouseketeer.

Check out this album art.

Heavy on top and full of feathers like one of Hefner’s girls after a peacock dinner. (Hef eats the peacocks, right?) The feathers also confirm my theory that people love to hear her swear (especially the word “bitch”) because she’s like a parrot, which are in turn are like small children and very fun to teach bad but incomprehensible things to.

GIF: Britney Spears Bald With The Smurfs

Britney Spears sons smurfs gif
Bald Britney Spears gif she's completely bald
Britney Spears has had, what, two or three shots at “acting” in her career? There’s her movie, Crossroads and the ode to Titanic in the beginning of the “Oops!..I Did It Again” video…

…And then there’s an early episode of Punk’d (which doesn’t count), her British accent in “Scream & Shout” and HER WORK IN THE SMURFS -THEMED clip for “Ooh La La,” where she displays her worst acting yet using her slack-jawed X-Factor judge face as inspiration. (Beside her real-life sons.)  Continue reading “GIF: Britney Spears Bald With The Smurfs”

Britney Spears Gets in Shape by Avoiding Giant Bowls Full of Cookie Dough

Britney Spears Shape Magazine 2013 Britney Spears‘ exercise and diet tips involve walking backwards on the elliptical three times a week and saying no to uncooked gobs of sugary salmonella goodness.

“I try not to make those too often or I’ll eat the whole bowl of dough,” Spears says of the chocolate chip cookies she sometimes makes for her sons. Other quotes on her regime and new CD from the latest issue of Shape Magazine:

On her Vegas residency: “I’m working out really hard for my upcoming shows in Vegas. The performances won’t be special – they’ll be a massive party from start to finish. And to pull this off, I have to be in top condition and running at full speed.”

Reverse booty workout: “My favorite way to tone my butt is going in reverse on the treadmill and the elliptical. It targets those muscles that are often overlooked. Yeah, that’s my big secret: Do everything backwards!”  Continue reading “Britney Spears Gets in Shape by Avoiding Giant Bowls Full of Cookie Dough”

Meet Britney Spears’ New Boyfriend, Non-Famous Guy #4 a.k.a. David Lucado

Britney Spears David Lucado mall Britney Spears has a new boyfriend/escort. He’s from Hotlanta and is currently working for a law firm in L.A., not as a lawyer, but as an errand boy. I’m guessing she met him online (Craigslist “free” section, under dirt/tools?) or because someone he works for is involved in her legal affairs.

By my count, he’s her fourth unfamous boyfriend after NOT-George-Constanza (but just as schlubby) high school friend Jason Alexander, amateur hamburger reviewer Kevin Federline, and uncle Jason Trawick.

Britney’s taste for famous guys (or their taste for her) was put to rest over a decade ago, when her true love broke her heart. (Unless we’re counting the four-night stand with Colin Farrell.)  Continue reading “Meet Britney Spears’ New Boyfriend, Non-Famous Guy #4 a.k.a. David Lucado”

Britney Spears and Jason Trawick to Remain ‘Friends’ After Break-Up

Britney Spears and Jason TrawickFragile, mental 12-year-old Britney Spears and  facial 50-year-old Jason Trawick have called it quits after three and a half years, but Britney and her rep insist that she will remain friends with her former fiancé.

Britney’s statement: “Jason and I have decided to call off our engagement. I’ll always adore him and we will remain great friends.”

Her rep: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick have mutually agreed to end their one-year engagement. As two mature adults, they came to the difficult decision to go their separate ways while continuing to remain friends.”  Continue reading “Britney Spears and Jason Trawick to Remain ‘Friends’ After Break-Up”

Britney Spears Fired Herself From ‘The X Factor’

Britney Spears pink dress x factor 1Today it was announced that Britney Spears removed herself from The X Factor before Simon Cowell canned her and her cans for delivering the wrong kind of crazy.

As much as I love her I don’t think I’ll miss the polite clapping and three or four-word comments like “I really enjoyed it” or “You’re a diva!” (in a positive context).

Come on. This is no surprise. We knew from the get-go that this was a one time thing. Britney was paid $15 million to make faces and walk out and wave with Demi in the beginning of the show for a few months…

She probably wants to come back about as much as Simon wants her to, which is not at all. It’s time for her to work on her music, and sit at home ordering Fox Racing gear for her sons. Continue reading “Britney Spears Fired Herself From ‘The X Factor’”

Princess of Pop Working On ‘Personal,’ ‘Unexpected’ New Album

Scream and Shout BritneyBritney Spears‘ recording schedule has always been a bit erratic. She churned out an album for each of the first three years of her career, taking a breather after Britney (2001) and then In The Zone (2003) to get married, have kids, shave the old noggin’ and keep a watchful eye on Fanta and beef jerky sales at the gas station.

She returned for Blackout (2007, infamous “Gimme More” dance at the VMAs) and Circus (2008), then took a nearly three-year break before releasing Femme Fatale.

A Q&A with fans on Twitter indicates that a whole new CD full of Britney’s breathy “oohs” will actually come out sometime this year! Continue reading “Princess of Pop Working On ‘Personal,’ ‘Unexpected’ New Album”

Kevin Federline’s Brother Says Britney Spears Stole His Credit Card and Had His Baby

Christopher FederlineThe National Enquirer is reporting an absolutely bonkers story about K-Fed’s surprisingly okay-looking brother Christopher and Britney Spears.

In papers filed earlier this month, Christopher Federline claims Britney stole his Capital One card out of his wallet to buy comics for her sons, one of whom Chris claims is his.

According to him, a temporary restraining order is necessary because they had sex seven years ago and she’s still terrorizing him by racking up over $4,000 in Betty Boop and Archie comics.

What an insensitive father. I mean, you’d think he wouldn’t mind her spoiling their son with G-rated reading material.  Continue reading “Kevin Federline’s Brother Says Britney Spears Stole His Credit Card and Had His Baby”

Fifth Harmony, Tate Stevens and Carly Rose Sonenclar Advance to ‘The X Factor’ Finals

X Factor finalists 2012  1The X Factor results show was last night and the three finalists are unlistenable country singer Tate Stevens, Fifth Harmony and Carly Rose Sonenclar.

Three-surfers-with-three-brain-cells Emblem3 were finally sent home after hanging Beatles’ favorite “Hey Jude” from the rafters and beating it with a bag full of antique railroad spikes.

Fifth Harmony, who have slowly been gaining momentum since their cover of Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger,” sealed the deal on Wednesday with a show-stopping rendition of “Anything Could Happen” by Ellie Goulding. Stevens sang about falling into a bonfire that reminded him of his wife and Carly Rose did Elton John’s “Your Song” and “Imagine” by John Lennon.  Continue reading “Fifth Harmony, Tate Stevens and Carly Rose Sonenclar Advance to ‘The X Factor’ Finals”

Britney Spears is 31 Years Old Today!

Britney Spears Santa outfitHappy birthday to my all time favorite pop star – wincing X-Factor judge, and Kevin Federline survivor Britney Spears!

Original queen of the gas station turned 31 today. No exact word on how she’s celebrating or what undeserving fiancé Jason Trawick gave her as a gift.

She did tweet a photo of latest addition to the Spears family, Hannah the dog, standing on a birthday card and later thanked her fans and wrote that she was having an “absolutely wonderful birthday.”

I’m going to encourage you to check out a certain lesser-known landmark moment in her career… The Christmas song “My Only Wish (This Year).” Released in 2000, the song is predictably about how Britney wants a man under the mistletoe and in her sleigh.  Continue reading “Britney Spears is 31 Years Old Today!”

Video: Will.i.am – “Scream & Shout” feat. Britney Spears

Will.i.am’s “Scream & Shout” video featuring Britney Spears debuted on The X Factor Wednesday night and it’s a little like “3” meets “Stronger” meets… a British robot invasion.

Britney’s beloved intro to “Gimme More” is injected for an added dose of hypomania.  Continue reading “Video: Will.i.am – “Scream & Shout” feat. Britney Spears”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-26-12]

Britney Spears‘ new dog, Hannah, already has a Twitter account. (Digital Spy)

Canadian deportation is too good for angry Halle Berry ex Gabriel Aubrey(Radar Online)

Demi Lovato has faithful birds tattooed all over her arm. (Celebuzz)

Shirtless UB40 singer is perfect example of why not to pierce your nipples. (TMZ)

Gavin Rossdale is really close with his nanny, almost Schwarzenegger close. (Evil Beet)

Ewwww, Russell Crowe almost played Wolverine in 2000’s X-Men. (Yahoo!)

Larry Birkhead and Anna Nicole Smith‘s daughter is a model for GUESS Kids. (Too Fab)

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-12-12]

Britney Vogues like an Egyptian in new Fantasy Twist advertisement. (ohmyGAHH!)

Antivirus software creator John McAfee suspected of murder in Belize. (Gizmodo)

Justin and Jessica help with Hurricane Sandy relief. (Just Jared)

Lakers hire former Phoenix Suns coach Mike D’Antoni to replace Mike Brown. (Yahoo!)

Ashley Judd‘s fans really want her to run for senate in Kentucky. (Inquisitr)

People born before 1995 are not MTVs demographic anymore. So fuck you. (UPROXX)

Bieber hates Timberlake comparisons but breaks into “Cry Me A River” post-breakup? (Celebuzz)