Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Angelina jolie wedding dress front and back
The most beautiful couple of all time (Sorry, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello) got married in a secret ceremony last weekend and in usual Jolie fashion, it wasn’t all ordinary.

White dress: check. Designer dress: check. Drawings all over the back of the dress: check.

In the words of someone over at Gawker, the dress was designed by the master tailor at Atelier Versace and A BUNCH OF SCREAMING CHILDREN!!!

Yes, Jolie adorably gave her children the dress as a canvas to display their artwork, and the entire back was covered in pictures of well, all I can make out are flowers, but I think I also see a plane and a robot and possibly Billy Bob Thornton waving goodbye.  Continue reading “Angelina Jolie’s Wedding Dress: Business in the Front, Party in the Back”

James Franco’s Birthday Cake Hurts Me All Over

James Franco birthday cake James Franco turned 35 on April 19. This is his completely unappetizing birthday cake.

It’s adorned with a sickly grey dildo, anal beads, a ball gag, and tasseled leather whip.

Franco said little about it on WhoSay besides that it was presented to him in Miami. Not a word about what it tasted like (cherry-flavored earthworms?) or why it was given to him and not Ian Somerhalder or whoever’s rumored to play Christian Grey this week.

I’m looking at this cake with my eyes, and it’s hurting other parts of my body, including my stomach.

The beads look like a child at an impoverished art school’s attempt to sculpt the hungry hungry caterpillar, the gag makes me think of Pulp Fiction and the strap-on looks like congealed seal skin.

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-16-12]

Lady Gaga satisfies more fetishes as she plays in cake for Terry Richardson. (Celebuzz)

Receiver Brandon Marshall accidentally tweets teammate’s Bear booty. (Mashable)

Breaking Dawn Part 2 given excellent review by The New York Times. (Huffington Post)

Oh, now I see why Emma Stone likes Andrew Garfield. (ohmyGAHH!)

Pat Robertson has a huge boner for Paula Broadwell’s runner body. (The Hollywood Gossip)

UFOs are real! Denver news station stumped by mysterious footage. (Yahoo!)

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t pay attention to anything, didn’t know about her new sister. (Gawker)

Amber Tamblyn And David Cross’ Wedding Photos Will Make You Believe In Love Again

There have been so many tragic divorces in 2011 and 2012, ones that made me even more skeptical of marriage. Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard, Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, and most recently, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.

Amber Tamblyn (who wore a yellow dress and arrived to the ceremony on a canoe) and David Cross’ barefoot wedding in the woods might restore at least a fraction of your faith.

DJ Questlove of The Roots tweeted out a collection of lovely candid photos of the cake, playlist and celebrity guests which included Alexis Bledel, Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, America Ferrera, Amy Poehler, and Jason Ritter. Yo La Tengo performed.

Check out the photos and plan your wedding accordingly…  Continue reading “Amber Tamblyn And David Cross’ Wedding Photos Will Make You Believe In Love Again”

Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-4-12]

Michael Phelps’ Vegas retirement party looks like fun and/or mayhem. (Celebuzz)

The second Hobbit film is called “The Desolation of Smaug.” (G4)

Hank Williams Jr.’s calls Obama out for hating “cowgirls” in latest rant. (TruthDig)

Learn to use condoms while you’re waiting for your plane to take off. (Gawker)

Nude landform in England is world’s largest. (Yahoo!)

Vote for Betty White to open at Democratic National Convention! (EW)

Stevie Wonder didn’t mean those things he said about Frank Ocean. (Idolator)

Arrested Development creator hints at new Freaks And Geeks seasons. (UPROXX)

Christina Aguilera loves showing her cleavage and having a big ass. (The Hollywood Gossip)

Kali Ma! Translation: Pass The Heart Cake, Please

UK baker Lily Vanilli has perfected a medically-realistic heart-shaped cake. It is made of red velvet sponge cake topped with raspberry and blackcurrant sauce and will have you running up to strangers chanting with your fist open in no time…

I shouldn’t admit this, but I have a bizarre affinity for sequels that nobody else likes. Return Of The Jedi is my favorite Star Wars movie, I don’t mind David Fincher’s Alien 3, and I LOVE Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.  Continue reading “Kali Ma! Translation: Pass The Heart Cake, Please”

Happy Glittery Butter[fly] Birthday Mariah Carey!

Mariah Carey turned 42 today. Her first album ever, the self-titled debut that contained “Someday” and “Vision Of Love” was released 22 years ago, in 1990.

Since then we’ve seen her at her best and worst. Her pricey wedding to manager Tommy Mottola that supposedly included no less than 50 flower girls.

The millionth clue that her mental age doesn’t come close to matching her actual years on earth – the time she surprised Carson Daly on TRL, stripping and handing out ice cream to audience members.  Continue reading “Happy Glittery Butter[fly] Birthday Mariah Carey!”

John McCrea Reveals That Cake May Disband Soon

On Chris Hardwick’s Nerdist podcast guest John McCrea, lead singer of Cake, talked about the band’s future. Or NOT future. After Hardwick said, “Congratulations for still being around after all these years,” McCrea responded:

“I’m doing okay, I still sort of hate touring a little bit but you know, I’m thinking about maybe dropping out of the music industry one of these days, I’m not sure when.”  Continue reading “John McCrea Reveals That Cake May Disband Soon”

Miley Cyrus Is Still Bananas, Plus Other Phallus-Related Things!

Miley Cyrus celebrated her Thor-brother boyfriend’s b-day by jumping on top of a table at Club Icon in Los Angeles and licking an ebony penis cake.

Here’s how the event went. Miley: Hey ya’ll, everyone sing to Liam, he’s 22 today! Liam: Thanks babe, you’re the best, but what’s with this cake?” Miley: You don’t like it?

Liam: It’s great, why don’t you JUMP ON THE TABLE AND PRETEND TO GIVE THE CAKE A BLOWJOB! Miley: SURE! Continue reading “Miley Cyrus Is Still Bananas, Plus Other Phallus-Related Things!”

Miley Cyrus Is A Stoner? ‘Surprise’ Is The Wrong Expression

I’m also not surprised that Paris Hilton or Sarah Silverman or freakin’ Willie Nelson for that matter, are fans of cannabis. The great thing about weed is it’s not as personality-specific as you think. The hobo on the street can stink of skunk weed, but so can your dad or some Ivy League wannabe.

Now, meth, coke and LCD, those are very specific. There are distinct caricatures of these people, because they are unmistakable. ANYWAY, Miley Cyrus aka Bob Miley is a stoner, I don’t care if she was smoking salvia or saliva or snake blood, she still also smokes pot. That is, if you even believe that wasn’t ganj.

A new vid from her 19th birthday party in L.A. has surfaced, it’s not of her smoking but it is of her talking about smoking.

Continue reading “Miley Cyrus Is A Stoner? ‘Surprise’ Is The Wrong Expression”